Mixed messages from SO

[Chris516]

Has anyone here, been in a LDR, where your SO says you should find someone else. Yet, They still refer to you in a loving way and want things from you, at the same time?

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Your SO doesnt actually want you to find someone else, your SO is looking for verbal reassurance that YOU don't want someone else.

[Karoshi]

This happen to me and my SO sometimes, he says that I deserve someone better etc. Maybe your partner is the same as mine and has some issues with self-confidence - just keep telling him/her how much you love them and how you don't want to be with someone else, he/she just need some reassurance like Biddly said.

[kteire]

Based on what you've posted about your relationship, I would imagine she's feeling insecure and wants you to reassure her that you only want her. Has the thing with your other online friend been an issue lately?

[TooFarAway]

Oh my goodness what are you doing?! Go reassure her that you love her and truly want to be with her like right now! I agree with everything the above posters are saying ;-;
I say the same things... :I *sniffle
I tell my baby that you should find someone better than me x-x and stuff like that...but really I just want him to say "No I love you and I want to only be with you." >_<

[Mims27]

What everyone said!
I'm a person who has been in her shoes and still is sometimes, she's probably just insecure and needs reassurance. Don't over think it, she just wants to hear that you love her and want to be with her.

[ThePiedPiper]

The confusion is why I wonder why people don't just ask for reassurance from their partners. But to the OPer, the above posters are more than likely right.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with above posters. There are just certain points in LDRs where we have weak moments and need the reassurance of our SOs so some say things like that to elicit that reassurance. However,I will agree with Piper and say that I've never understood why people don't just ask their SOs for reassurance when they need it. That being as long as it's not excessive.

[TooFarAway]

The confusion is why I wonder why people don't just ask for reassurance from their partners. But to the OPer, the above posters are more than likely right.

Well, I'm kinda shy to ask directly for reassurance...so >_< *sniffle

[ThePiedPiper]

Well, I'm kinda shy to ask directly for reassurance...so >_< *sniffle

I guess I don't understand why playing a game somehow tops honesty. Saying "hey babe, I'm feeling really insecure right now. I know that you love me, but could you remind me you don't want anyone else?" seems a lot less painful than "You should go find someone else" and a lot less potential to get messy or be misinterpreted. It's not as though your insecurity isn't obvious when you're trying to get around making it obvious (this goes for everyone, myself included), so sometimes it's better to be straightforward. :/ I don't know. It might depend on the age of the participants too. I think the OPer and his SO are in their teens? Not sure, but there's a certain point being open and honest with your SO just becomes more appealing.

[kayla_622]

I guess I don't understand why playing a game somehow tops honesty. Saying "hey babe, I'm feeling really insecure right now. I know that you love me, but could you remind me you don't want anyone else?" seems a lot less painful than "You should go find someone else" and a lot less potential to get messy or be misinterpreted. It's not as though your insecurity isn't obvious when you're trying to get around making it obvious (this goes for everyone, myself included), so sometimes it's better to be straightforward. :/ I don't know. It might depend on the age of the participants too. I think the OPer and his SO are in their teens? Not sure, but there's a certain point being open and honest with your SO just becomes more appealing.

I don't really think its a game when it comes to this usually. I know what its like to be very very shy. It can be really hard to just come out and be honest with someone even if they're someone you love. Age doesn't really play a huge role in that area either. I'm nearly 30 and my shyness gets the better of me still.

To the OP, I agree with everyone else. She just wants some reassurance that you love her and that you don't want to be with anyone else.

[LadyDaemon]

I don't really think its a game when it comes to this usually. I know what its like to be very very shy. It can be really hard to just come out and be honest with someone even if they're someone you love. Age doesn't really play a huge role in that area either. I'm nearly 30 and my shyness gets the better of me still.

To the OP, I agree with everyone else. She just wants some reassurance that you love her and that you don't want to be with anyone else.

Regardless of shyness,it's still better to tell them then to throw around "well find someone else" ,"you don't really love me" or "you never fight for me". By being shy and not saying anything,you're letting it go and the longer it goes the worse it's gonna get. Plus,why not just tell them then risk saying one of the latter and wind up losing your SO because they didn't get it or misunderstood?

Also,age might not play a huge role,but it does play somewhat of a role. Teenagers are more likely most of the time to not know the difference when something like this is said to them and then they jump the gun and call the quits,where as adults are more likely to know the difference and therefore not jump the gun.

[ThePiedPiper]

Regardless of shyness,it's still better to tell them then to throw around "well find someone else" ,"you don't really love me" or "you never fight for me". By being shy and not saying anything,you're letting it go and the longer it goes the worse it's gonna get. Plus,why not just tell them then risk saying one of the latter and wind up losing your SO because they didn't get it or misunderstood?

Also,age might not play a huge role,but it does play somewhat of a role. Teenagers are more likely most of the time to not know the difference when something like this is said to them and then they jump the gun and call the quits,where as adults are more likely to know the difference and therefore not jump the gun.

^ This.

As far as I know, when you say something indirectly to elicit a certain response, which can lead to getting upset if you get a different response (for example, "you're always telling me that, so maybe I should? Is that what you want?" would cause an entirely different reaction than, "no, I love you. Only you."), that's a game. When you do things like not sending an IM so that they might finally message first, which I used to do, that's a game. I consider it a game because it's essentially a guessing game. You're acting out a phrase or a behaviour with one correct response and feelings get hurt if your SO doesn't give you that response or insecurities can often be exacerbated.

And like Lady Daemon said, my point about the age was more that I see these types of things from a lot of teenagers. I wasn't saying shyness is specific to teenagers. I'm 22 and I have horrible social anxiety. I go selectively mute so I know what shyness is. But I can also be honest when I'm trying to indirectly weedle something out of someone and I do consider it technically game playing. However, I think more teenagers tend to play the "go find someone else" card or other similar ones than adults, simply because at that age, teenagers are usually learning to communicate for the first time with someone else. That's what I meant by the age comment, that such insecure statements over explicit honesty seem to be more common amongst teenagers than adults. But don't get me wrong, I've seen from LFAD that some adults try the same lines. I just think it's a game no matter your motivation behind it, because it's still looking for an express reaction from your partner and trying out certain behaviours to elicit that response...

[Chris516]

Your SO doesnt actually want you to find someone else, your SO is looking for verbal reassurance that YOU don't want someone else.

The only problem is, how can I give her that reassurance, when she doesn't communicate. I have told her a number of times, she has done by herself, far more than my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance did, combined.

This happen to me and my SO sometimes, he says that I deserve someone better etc. Maybe your partner is the same as mine and has some issues with self-confidence - just keep telling him/her how much you love them and how you don't want to be with someone else, he/she just need some reassurance like Biddly said.

Agreed absolutely!!! If only she would communicate. Communication lately, has been spotty at best.

Based on what you've posted about your relationship, I would imagine she's feeling insecure and wants you to reassure her that you only want her. Has the thing with your other online friend been an issue lately?

Communication has been an issue. As for the 'other woman', before last Thursday, I hadn't communicated with her for five months. She told me she had a baby with her boyfriend(not jealous) the day before my birthday(5/16). My SO has asked about her on occasion, thinking again I wanted to be with the 'other woman'. I told her, while I glad she is alive, I definitely don't want to be with the 'other woman'. In fact, I made the personal decision not to ask her about her health. Even though it is very similar to mine.

Oh my goodness what are you doing?! Go reassure her that you love her and truly want to be with her like right now! I agree with everything the above posters are saying ;-;
I say the same things... :I *sniffle
I tell my baby that you should find someone better than me x-x and stuff like that...but really I just want him to say "No I love you and I want to only be with you." >_<

As in, why don't I fly out there right now? I want to do that. I want to be out there, for her birthday.

What everyone said!
I'm a person who has been in her shoes and still is sometimes, she's probably just insecure and needs reassurance. Don't over think it, she just wants to hear that you love her and want to be with her.

I got a new cell phone today, so that takes care of the phone aspect. But I can't make her get on the computer. So, I will just fill her e-mail In Box, Yahoo IM, and Facebook page.

The confusion is why I wonder why people don't just ask for reassurance from their partners. But to the OPer, the above posters are more than likely right.

Yes, I agree. Why can't they ask, instead go into seclusion.

I agree with above posters. There are just certain points in LDRs where we have weak moments and need the reassurance of our SOs so some say things like that to elicit that reassurance. However,I will agree with Piper and say that I've never understood why people don't just ask their SOs for reassurance when they need it. That being as long as it's not excessive.

I agree, too.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The only problem is, how can I give her that reassurance, when she doesn't communicate. I have told her a number of times, she has done by herself, far more than my (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance did, combined.

She is communicating with you - but just like Piper says, she's choosing to communicate through playing games rather than through honesty. The whole basis of this issue is she's clearly not comfortable being honest yet and thinks that playing games will get her the response she's looking for in a way she's comfortable with. So actually, she IS communicating with you, she's just not communicating constructively. Obviously, you're having problems interpreting her method of communication (I'm not suggesting that her way is the correct way, I'm just saying that this is the way she's choosing to communicate) and that's something you need to talk about with her.

As gently as possible, call her out on it. The fact that she's insecure enough to be playing these games in the first place means that she's probably going to be embarrassed by you recognising what is going on, which is why you have to be kind about it when approaching this problem with her. Let her know that it's ok to want to be reassured, but that playing the "you should find someone else" game, rather than just asking to be reassured, is confusing for you.

LDRs are confusing enough without trying to play games with each other. Communication is pretty much all you have, and if you start f*ing around with that, you're f*ing around with the one thing you rely on for all your interactions with one another.