communication-related problem... i need your advice

[stargazerlily]

My SO and I can't regularly chat/email/text/call during weekdays. It used to bug me. I've cried and I've argued with him about the lack of communication. So I took people's advice to set up a Skype schedule; he agreed to do it every Sunday.

Things went well for a while. Now, the thing is, he never tells me on his own if he won't be available on that Sunday. Usually, I would text him 12 hours before our Skype date to remind him. Only then would he tell me that he can't make it. (And really, I don't understand why I have to remind him if it's supposed to be a regular thing.)

This weekend, as usual, I texted him. I didn't get any reply. But come Sunday night, I still logged on to Skype and waited for him. I've been waiting for an hour already when I thought that I should check his facebook. His latest status, which was posted the previous day, says that he will likely be incommunicado the whole weekend because he has to go somewhere. I was like, what the... Why didn't he tell me? And why did I have to learn through facebook just like any ordinary person? He knows what Sunday means, he should have given me a heads up directly!

Today is Tuesday and I still can't get a hold of him through his cell. I left him a voice mail a few hours ago saying that he should call me asap. Still, no word from him. And it's not as if he is totally incommunicado... His twitter and facebook have recent activities.

I really don't know how I should tell him that I hate it when he does that. I've already told him numerous times how sad and neglected it makes me feel that I am the only one putting an effort at keeping the communication lines open. Every single time, he says he's sorry and he would keep in touch more. But it never happened. I never demanded that we talk every single day; all I ask is to have a quality conversation at least once a week.

[annamorgan]

Being in an LDR, communication is the key to making things work. Having a lack of that is going to make things much, much harder, and it's going to weigh you down. It concerns me that he has the time to post on Facebook and Twitter, but doesn't have the time to send you a simple text or make a short phone call. You need to express to him that you need some time from him, and when he actually gives that to you, you need to express all these things to him. If he doesn't comply, I don't see your LDR getting any easier.

[NaNi]

Now that would frustrate me too. And make me sad. If my SO would have time to update Facebook, but not to get in contact with me. I'm sorry to hear that. You should really talk to him again. Especially since you would only like to talk to him once a week anyway. It's not too much to ask really.

[MTK]

It seems like he is not really making an effort to stay in touch with you and that can be troubling when it comes to a LDR.
When i was in the army i had limited time with my SO, so when i got home on the weekends i would make sure that she knew beforehand if i had anything planned so she wouldn't have to wait in vain and vice versa of course.
I think that you need to sit your SO down for a long talk about this matter and really make him see how important it is that he doesn't do stuff like that because you feel neglected.
It seems to me that maybe your relationship isn't his top priority.

[noodle]

I know how that feels it used to happen to me as well but my bf didnt do it on purpose :/
honestly I would ignore him, I know its hard but if he doesnt seem to care and doesnt make the effort to even tell you or talk to you I would maybe message him one more time why he does that and if he wants to talk about it and if not end of story.
Dont let him threat you like that its not ok! You care about him and try to make it work and everything and he's misbehavin like this.

[paulawriteslove]

When you're in a LDR communication is extremely important. I think that you should tell him directly how you are feeling. You need to tell him exactly what is bothering and why it is bothering you. Then together you guys can create a solution to the problem. I don't think that it's right that he's treating you this way. You need to feel important and not feel like just another person to him.

[LadyMarchHare]

Was there a reason you guys weren't able to talk all the time during weekdays such as work/school/other activities? Because I'll be honest, whining about that if it can't honestly be helped or on the chance they don't want to sit some amount of hours every day and just talk is not going to want them to talk to you more. It's frustrating, yeah, but sometimes you have to accept this sort of stuff.

That aside, was he enthusiastic when you guys decided upon Sunday? If he didn't really want to do it that may be the problem. But even so you still need to tell him, calmly, that even if he honest-to-God forgets what Sunday is, whenever he's unavailable for x amount of time or days, you should be amongst the first to know and it shouldn't be through a rather third-party system like Facebook. I wouldn't mention Twitter unless you're following him on there with your account because it might be taken as stalking. My SO's ex best friend used to stalk every site he went to and every forum he posted on so she could find out when/if he was ignoring her. He hated it.

As the others have said, communication is key and for these situations you absolutely NEVER go to them when you're mad/upset because not only will it make the situation worse chances are most of what you'll complain about or bring up will be things that are not related to the issue or essentially don't matter. If it takes you a few days to calm down to where you can run whatever you want to say through your head without sounding accusing, angry, or like a victim then take those few days. You want him to realize that he is messing up, but you also want to know why without conflict and without him retreating further from you, communication-wise.

[HMA]

He needs to take some initiative. That's so rude, especially when you've already spoken to him about how upset this makes you and he just keeps doing it. Honestly, this may be immature but I would put the ball in his court and make him work for it. I would tell him that you're unhappy with his behaviour, note that you've spoken about it before, and then say that if he would like to talk to you he should go ahead and make the effort to contact you. If not then he'll end up with all the free time he could want. It's really not acceptable for him to act this way repeatedly when you've had that conversation already.
And hey, he might surprise you. When I gave my boyfriend the chance he really stepped up his efforts. I wasn't giving him enough time to miss me, I guess. But really, only talking once a week should give him plenty of time to miss you.

[alise120]

HMA is right. Let him take the initiative and step up the game more. Like everybody mostly said, your SO doesn't look like he keeps you as one of his main priorities and it's not good that he doesn't because that's a sign that he doesn't care about you as much as you care about him. If it takes sometime for him to call, text, email, or any other forms of communication, then wait; it'll make him miss you more. Let him take the ball down the court and shoot the hoop; thus making him do all the shots with bonus effort....hopefully scoring large points with you too in the end.

[Bluestars]

As the others have said, communication is key and for these situations you absolutely NEVER go to them when you're mad/upset because not only will it make the situation worse chances are most of what you'll complain about or bring up will be things that are not related to the issue or essentially don't matter. If it takes you a few days to calm down to where you can run whatever you want to say through your head without sounding accusing, angry, or like a victim then take those few days.

That is some really good advice that I should probably start taking lol! I didn't follow that last week and it turned out very badly O_o

[Silviar]

That would frustrate me as well. What is his response when you ask him to talk more or remember to tell you in advance about canceling Sunday? I can see why it would make you feel unappreciated. Communication is the lifeblood in an LDR, and both parties gotta give a little to make it work. I would definitely talk to him and impress upon him how important this is. Maybe because you keep giving him the reminders and stuff he thinks it's ok to continue in his ways?

I would also recommend giving him three small, easily attainable goals in terms of communication. Like informing you personally rather than a generic FB post if he can't make Sunday - that one should be easy. Specific goals are often easier for people to be able to meet rather than a general complaint about what is wanted.

[LadyMarchHare]

That is some really good advice that I should probably start taking lol! I didn't follow that last week and it turned out very badly O_o

I learned it the hard way myself as I'm notorious for overreacting when upset and it takes me anywhere between a full day and a week to calm down depending on the issue and I'll look back to things I've done/thought/said in those times and hate myself. I figure even if someone isn't as hot-headed as I am or as prone to dramatics, it's still keen advice that would save some headaches and possibly further misunderstanding. And luckily with LDRs we can give ourselves the space without physically shutting out the other person or having the temptation to get in their face.

[Čternity]

If you stopped contacting him, how long would it take him to notice?

[Rhiavaan]

If you stopped contacting him, how long would it take him to notice?

Exactly my take on this. -+
.It sounds like he isn't that into you. If you want to maintain the relationship and by your post, you do then skip a Sunday, act exactly like him. If he comes running then have a straight out 'I need this from you, if you can't then hit the road' because it is more hurtful to wonder than to know and trust me, it will hurt skipping the Sunday but you have every right to be treated better and he isn't stepping up to the plate.