When Distance isn't the only problem: Two cultures clash

[DesirousMuse]

Most long distance couples only have the problem of distance. Me? Distance is the easy part. I met my SO on twitter almost 2 and a half years ago, and have never met, cockblocked by the Atlantic with me in Canada and him in Italy. We are in talks of him finally coming over at the end of the summer and I honestly want nothing more but here is the deal: I am East Indian and he is Italian. Of course that means nothing at all to me but my parents is a different story because dating outside my culture is a big NO, which will make meeting difficult.

Having a boyfriend, much less a boyfriend who isn’t Indian and long distance is just asking for world war three in Indian families. I know my parents will blow a gasket, that they will talk about how I have shamed the family and what other people would say and if worse comes to worse, disown me.I am not stupid enough to just throw it all away for some guy but the thing is he isn’t just some “guy”. He makes me the happiest in the world and I know that after more than two years with him, I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Am I being stupid or naïve? Maybe. But I know that I won’t find the kind of boundless happiness anywhere that isn’t him and I will fight for this to the ends of the earth. So whenever I hear talks about how my so and so cousin married out of caste… OF CASTE… it’s such a disgrace. Why is this such a huge deal. It makes me so mad. At least the person is Indian and your child is happy. Would they rather them be miserable for the rest of their life so the family is not put to shame? If they are so scared of becoming “westernized”, why the hell did they come here in the first place. It is only natural if your kids are born here that they are going to be more “westernized”. It should not matter who the person is as long as your child is happy. All this really makes me want to pull my hair out and it’s always constantly at the back of my mind; of how this will all play out once I tell them. The timing needs to be right and a lot of other things need to be in place, meeting and seeing where we will actually go from there, before this all happens of course. It amuses me when I hear people go on about how the Sikh religion is all about equality. My ass.

If we are all about equality, please tell me why we have a caste system inside our OWN religion. I just really wish that being with someone outside your own culture wasn’t considered to be such a bad and shameful thing to Indian families.
I mean, yes he can stay at a hotel but I am going to get questioned as to where I am going everyday (they are strict and always want me home at around 10 because “It isn’t proper for girls to be out so late”). I know that when the time comes to tell them it will be WW3, possibly them disowning me and the usual “You tarnished the family name/disgraced the family” bullshit along with possible threats but I am willing to go through this because I know without a doubt that he is the one.

I want this first meeting to be just about him and I, no parents drama yet and whereas I should be so excited that he is FINALLY talking about coming here, the matter of pulling this off is freaking me out. I just don’t know… what to do…. Sometimes I feel like I should tell them… but something stops me because I know it will turn into a shit storm. The meetings are something that is supposed to be a dream come true, finally being with your other half and I know it will be but the matter of pulling this off…. And how…. Sigh.

[Verojoon]

*hugs*

I"m sorry you have to deal with that! I have to deal with it in a lesser degree. My boyfriend is Persian and his family does not approve of me at all. It's sad because I know I will be a very good match for him that can make him happier than many people out there and I would think they would want him to be happy! Recently, his mother said she would try to arrange a marriage for him with a family friend who lives in Iran. He became very upset because she knows he is with me and they got in a huge fight about it. His aunts and uncles keep on trying to talk to him indirectly about the problem. It causes a lot of stress in our relationship and I have often asked him if he was sure it was worth it. I hate that I cause him trouble. He says I am.

I think if his family was a different religion (they are Baha'i) it would be even more complicated... It would also be more complicated if he was a girl instead since men are given some more leeway...

The thing you need to remind yourself is that it's your life. Not theirs. A lot of things that seem completely wrong to people, can become right if they have time to get used to it. The more people within the family dare follow their hearts instead of following the older traditions, they will have no choice but the become used to it (or become more and more isolated).

In the end: Families behave like this because they love you and care about you and misguidedly believe that doing things the way they are used to them being done will make you happy. Make your own happiness, don't give up on either your relationship with your SO or your family... I think if you continue working on your relationship with your family (if you feel they are worth it) even after you have "disgraced" them, eventually things could get back to a more normal state... Things take time.

I'm sorry you are going through this!

[Ovrlrd]

Oh, boy. Let me tell you something you already know; there will never be a right time to tell your parents. I'm not saying to never tell them, just that even if you try to slowly introduce the idea it won't work. I've told my mom for YEARS that I will not marry someone according to her expectations. We've even had --- albeit, brief --- discussions about it. Even my older brother never expected me to marry or date within the culture or religion. We both grew up with a diverse group of people and Canadian culture that sometimes clashed with our own at home.

I thought that when he found out about my boyfriend he would be relatively okay with the idea. After all, I was 21 at the time. He wasn't okay with it. He pressured and threatened to tell our parents if I didn't. It didn't matter that he had countless relationships with all types of women. He never intended to marry any of them.

I told my mom. She was initially calm, but after a few hours became incredibly angry. They both were even more angry when they found out he was coming to see me. There were lots of threats. Threats to hurt me, hurt him, disown me, curse me, start questioning my virginity like they were intending to trade it for a cow but I fucked that up and now no one gets to eat, etc.

Things haven't been the same since. On the plus side me and my SO are stronger than ever. Him and his family have been extremely supportive.

Muse, my advice in this situation is to keep it quiet. I don't know if you still live at home, but don't tell them until you are completely self-reliant. Seriously. You do not want to come home to emotional or physical abuse. Make sure you have a safe place. I guarantee that you will be subjected to A LOT of emotional abuse.

When you are in a good place go ahead and tell them. Be mentally prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. Stay strong. Stand firm in your beliefs and decisions.


BTW,
I'm black and Muslim. My SO is white and catholic.

[DesirousMuse]

Thank you for that. It made me feel better. And I am sorry to hear that you are sort of going through the same thing with your SO and I really hope his mother can see that you two are perfect together (you really both are the cutest) I know the second I get out of university, they are going to start looking to arrange my marriage and I am totally against that. I know all this will be hard with a lot of emotional turmoil but like you said, these things take time. Thank you!

[DesirousMuse]

Ovrlrd, I am extremely sorry you went through all that and I know it sucks when parents cant accept our happiness. Right now I live with my family (I am 19 and they would never allow me to move out unless im married e.e) and go to university. I want to keep quiet, I really do but then I have these moments of.. wishing I could talk to my mom about this like other girls do but I know its for the best. I wish the situation wad easier but it isn't. I know it will result in a lot of abuse and threats so I will keep my mouth shut. I hope that the situation is better with you now and I commend your relationship for being so strong. I will keep quiet and figure out how to go about this meeting with some sneaky masterplan then. It sucks when parents cant overcome color or race in order to see love because I really dont notice race or skin color when I see a person. I see a person and thats that. Thankyou for that advice, sweets.

[Ovrlrd]

Thanks, it was a really difficult period of time. It's still not over, but it happens less frequently.

In terms of what you'll do for his first visit. I recommend that you get your parents used to the idea of you staying out for long periods of time. I never really had a curfew because I was always very truthful with who I was with and where I was. I'd even stay over at friend's places despite how much my mom disliked it. She was ok with me staying in the homes of friends with the same race and religion, but I've only known for a few months. Yet she had serious issues with me sleeping over at friend's of whom I've known for nearly a decade, because they're not the same. Warped, right?

Anyhoo, just tell them you'll be out studying or with friends. That's what I was going to do until I got found out thanks to a severe breech in privacy.

Just make sure that someone you trust knows you're with your SO at wherever. Safety first.

Also, leave no paper trails. Secure everything. A whiff of suspicious behavior will more than likely result in your stuff being searched.

Be smart about the places you take him, if you don't want to be caught.

[dragonlady]

sorry to hear you have that big problem, can give you any advice though, beside do what your heart tells you
for other reasons i gave my family the finger, turned around and never see them again the only one i still see is my mom (parents are divorced) but the rest nope and i havent had a day of remorse about it!
so what if they disown you, are the miljonairs? what do you care about there money your happiness is the most inportant and if they dont want to see you happy they dont love you.
i wish you all the luck with this hard dilema!

[PrincessJOE]

Hi, first of all i'm sorry you have to deal with it :/ I'm Italian, and I have few Indian friends who talked to me about this traditions and so on.
I don't know if it can be useful, but i noticed in the beginning my friends' families were a bit 'suspicious' towards me, but when they got to know me a bit they were really nice and kind people. i know its different, cos each family is different and cos i was just an high school friends... but maybe introducing him as a friend could be an option, have you already thought about it? maybe they could accept him better as a friend and then once they see they can trust him etc itd be more 'natural' for them to see him as your bf.
i wish you two all the best, and if i can help ill be glad to

[texasgal]

AWww! I know exactly what you're going through! It sucks like crazy! My bf is a different religion than what my family and I are. Long distance is hard enough let alone to deal with a family that doesn't support you. I ended having to move out of my house just for the opportunity to be able to go and visit my bf. I knew my family would never accept me meeting someone. I got the " HOw can you do this to us? You're wicked! You don't know who this person is. We will never talk to him no matter how hard he tries to speak to us. YOu are breaking our hearts. " ect! My family would try to publicly humiliate me on facebook, gossip behind my back, some even stopped talking to me. So I moved out. I haven't met my bf still due to money issues. its so not fair right? You jsut need and wan support because LDR is SOOO hard let alone having to deal with that is a HUGE damper on your spirits, excitement and more. YOu have to be more secretive about it, you watch all the youtube videos of couples meeting for the first time and how the family is htere with them so happy for them and you get soo happy for that couple but then so sad knowing it won't be the same for you. You are 19 and an adult. You aren't dating a psycho and you both love eachother. focus on the love. Maybe spend some days at your friends house who knows about him? ect. YOu can do it <3 ! Good luck!

[dandelion]

Hey..
Here is my story about the same question...
So I am Christian, my so doesn't beleive any religion...
I am from such country where culture and religion is on the first place...
I thought my parents will never get used to that i love one boy from another country, but i was super wrong! I wasn't saying about him to my parents long time. Even he had come to me but I didn't say, only after his first visit I said about him to my mom... nearly one month ago i went tired of not saying anything about him to my father, but i was super afraid to say it to him. I was super sure if i had said something he would go super angry and not support me... I went on a big risk becouse i said everything about my love 1 week ago he was going to visit me... I was like say now or never... So i said my mom to tell about him to my dad and so she did... I wasn't at home during that time so she called me and said that my dad had a cool reaction about that super big news! After that my sweety boy visited me for a second time so I took him at my house! We had super lovely evening they liked each other super much! It's funny becouse my family doesn't know any english (my bro does) so i was translator They talked about million things, my mom cooked super cool food and we were drinkign wine from my country (Georgian wine) which is super cool and we went a little drunk So everything went super good... And i was the happiest girl becouse it felt like i was really in the dream... I think my family felt in love with him too haha so did my boy... They are asking me about him loots how is he feeling, doing and so on...
But there is one big problem still... They are not letting me to stay with him becouse you are cant stay with boy during the night before marriage... So we go on a big problem now... I want to visit him and his family for christmas, but I think my family won't let me goo there before we are engaged or something like official way... I don't know what to do becouse He can't visit me before 2014... He only can visit me once in a year so if my family won't let me go to his country it will be a super super big problem ! (and there is one big visa problem too)

UUUppppps I wrote lots and maybe out of this question but It's same... We all are having problems becouse of our cultures and religion...

Hopefully everything will be OK for all of us...

Let's stay strong !!!

[DesirousMuse]

Ovrlrd: See with me, I have never given them a reason not to trust me. I am pretty good, I don't get super drunk (I have the occasional drink here and there), I don't sleep around and party like other girls here my age do but that is the thing, my mother works with a lot of teens who always talk about what they did over the weekend, ho they slept with, who they partied with and she automatically assumes I am the same which I am not. I can't even sleep over at a friends because she think I will lie to her and go out with boys or things like that. For his visit, my friends and I made a plan since we all have summer school till mid August to pack 2 months of summer vacation into two weeks and they are going to make a whole contract deal and talk to my mother to let us have fun everyday those 2 weeks before school starts up in the fall so hopefully it will be easier to go out. Thank you for that advice as I do plan on being super cautious. I really hope your family cools down on the whole bit; I am glad you stood your ground because this kind of love is rare and only some are lucky enough to have it and it's harder when there are more restrictions. Thank you again, talking about this has eased the nervousness.

[DesirousMuse]

I admire your bravery for taking a stand with your parents, Dragonlady and if it becomes like that for me, I hope I will have enough courage to do so as well. I am going to listen to my heart because I know without a doubt that this is a once in a lifetime love and I will never be happy without him. Thanks!

[DesirousMuse]

Thanks, PrincessJoe! Yeah, they aren't too keen as the having boys as your friends thing because they think it isn't possible because it will always turn into something more. I am glad your friends parents were able to accept you and I really hope my parents will too. Thanks!

[DesirousMuse]

TexasGal: I am super sorry you had to deal with that. It sucks when our parents cant stop for a moment to understand our situation because they are too busy thinking about themselves. I am glad you took all the negativity out of your life because you don't deserve that even though I am sure it was hard. I know, those YT videos always make me smile and its bitter sweet because of the whole parent thing but I appreciate your advice and kind words very much

[DesirousMuse]

Dandelion: I am glad your parents didn't freak out too bad at you telling them about your boyfriend and it's cute that they got along. I can see where you are coming from and I understand how their reaction might be but you also thought that they were going to freak out when you told them about him but they didn't. So who knows they might not freak out about that either. Just make sure to tell them it is coming from an innocent place and all you wanna do is visit him and his family like he did with you and who knows, they might warm up to it.