I just spent a month with my LDB. This is the longest time we have spent together and the wait until next time I see him will be the longest time we have ever spent apart (7 months). Next year we're closing the distance as I am transferring universities to one closer to him (about 10-15mins when we’re currently over 1,300 miles apart). I need to do well in school though so I really need my head on straight but it’s difficult. We did absolutely everything together for 31 days, from eating, sleeping, showering, brushing our teeth—literally everything. He’s my best friend and we’re really comfortable with each other, the whole farting and play wrestling, stuck like glue kind of besties. I’m sure some of you know or can imagine how empty I feel now being away from him now.
There is like a chasm in my chest that hurts so deeply sometimes it makes it difficult to breathe. I’m afraid that I won’t do as well in school as I need to because of how much I’m hurting at the moment. It is the kind of pain where the way to end it is just at your finger tips but it's as if someone is physically restraining you from reaching it. In this case, it's the fact that we really need to save up money to close the distance so we can no longer afford holiday visits. It would be 3 in total and that would cost over a thousand dollars. I'm afraid I'm going to convince myself it's okay to buy them anyway and that would push back closing the distance even further. I am not thinking rationally; my heart is overwhelming me. I know that it’s only temporary but I have this desperate ache to just hop on a plane and never come back here (but that would be irresponsible and illegal without me having some kind of visa - have to obtain my study visa which will require me to get accepted into uni first). I mean, even at the airport I was thinking of ways to get out of leaving like pretending to miss my flight.
In part this is because my home life is pretty awful and has been for the past year. I have extreme family issues and ended up kicked out on the streets to starve and die (luckily that did not happen). I won't make this a sob story by delving into that, but not only is he my boyfriend and my bestfriend but he's almost literally the only thing that makes me happy (aside from muffins). I really miss him more than anything. He is my home and being back in my actual "home" feels so depressing. I literally have no energy to even step outside because it feels like there is nothing for me here, nothing out there that I want. I want to be 1,300 miles away where my heart is. It's as if I was in heaven for a month and have just stepped back into the firey pits of hell. I feel home sick because it is so negative here and I have no love or support whereas with him I am his princess and he goes out of his way to make me smile and giggle like a little girl.
I need to get myself together because school will be starting soon and in order for me to transfer where I would like I need to make perfect grades. I need to somehow overcome the stress of my daily life and the emotional turmoil of not being able to see him for so long but being surrounded by those who make me feel horrible (can I just deck them all in the face and call it a day??)
Please lend me some advice on how to combat this overwhelming urge to drop all of my responsibilities and run as far away from the pain as possible. What keeps you strong and goal oriented without your emotions getting in the way of rationalistic thought?
There is like a chasm in my chest that hurts so deeply sometimes it makes it difficult to breathe. I’m afraid that I won’t do as well in school as I need to because of how much I’m hurting at the moment. It is the kind of pain where the way to end it is just at your finger tips but it's as if someone is physically restraining you from reaching it. In this case, it's the fact that we really need to save up money to close the distance so we can no longer afford holiday visits. It would be 3 in total and that would cost over a thousand dollars. I'm afraid I'm going to convince myself it's okay to buy them anyway and that would push back closing the distance even further. I am not thinking rationally; my heart is overwhelming me. I know that it’s only temporary but I have this desperate ache to just hop on a plane and never come back here (but that would be irresponsible and illegal without me having some kind of visa - have to obtain my study visa which will require me to get accepted into uni first). I mean, even at the airport I was thinking of ways to get out of leaving like pretending to miss my flight.
In part this is because my home life is pretty awful and has been for the past year. I have extreme family issues and ended up kicked out on the streets to starve and die (luckily that did not happen). I won't make this a sob story by delving into that, but not only is he my boyfriend and my bestfriend but he's almost literally the only thing that makes me happy (aside from muffins). I really miss him more than anything. He is my home and being back in my actual "home" feels so depressing. I literally have no energy to even step outside because it feels like there is nothing for me here, nothing out there that I want. I want to be 1,300 miles away where my heart is. It's as if I was in heaven for a month and have just stepped back into the firey pits of hell. I feel home sick because it is so negative here and I have no love or support whereas with him I am his princess and he goes out of his way to make me smile and giggle like a little girl.
I need to get myself together because school will be starting soon and in order for me to transfer where I would like I need to make perfect grades. I need to somehow overcome the stress of my daily life and the emotional turmoil of not being able to see him for so long but being surrounded by those who make me feel horrible (can I just deck them all in the face and call it a day??)
Please lend me some advice on how to combat this overwhelming urge to drop all of my responsibilities and run as far away from the pain as possible. What keeps you strong and goal oriented without your emotions getting in the way of rationalistic thought?
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