It's all on my shoulders, can't handle it

[Pinion]

A few weeks ago I made a thread about needing activities for my LDR and about my partner not taking an active role in helping us find some.

Well, now we have a few activities, but I'm the only one who ever says, "Hey, want to do such-and-such?". I'm also the only one who initiates deeper discussions, because he "prefers to let people bring up the things they're open to talking about". He's 100% passive in this relationship, only asking questions about things I bring up myself and very rarely bringing up anything in his own life to talk about.

He says he bonds over time spent together, moments shared, calls, etc, but where does it come from? Me! That's where. I'm sick of hearing things like "whatever you want to do", "if you want", and "whatever makes you happy".

I don't think I can handle this. I don't care if it's his first relationship; that's no excuse. I feel boring, lonely, and exhausted.

[80anthea]

I'm not sure what you want from him? Maybe he's not into doing all the activities you suggest and just likes talking to you. How long have you been doing the LDR thing for?

If you're feeling this exasperated by it all you need to say something to him though.

[Pinion]

I'm not sure what you want from him? Maybe he's not into doing all the activities you suggest and just likes talking to you. How long have you been doing the LDR thing for?

If you're feeling this exasperated by it all you need to say something to him though.

I want to spend time with him talking and doing things without knowing that if I don't initiate everything beyond "how was your day" it won't happen. I want to feel interesting and desired enough to seek out and seek a deeper connection with.

I've asked him to come up with activities and he had no opinions. He wanted whatever I wanted.

We've been in this relationship for almost two months, but known each other longer. He's always been passive, but I assumed he'd loosen up once things became official and he had a relationship to enjoy.

We have talked and things didn't change.

[redapple]

I want to spend time with him talking and doing things without knowing that if I don't initiate everything beyond "how was your day" it won't happen. I want to feel interesting and desired enough to seek out and seek a deeper connection with.

I've asked him to come up with activities and he had no opinions. He wanted whatever I wanted.

We've been in this relationship for almost two months, but known each other longer. He's always been passive, but I assumed he'd loosen up once things became official and he had a relationship to enjoy.

We have talked and things didn't change.

Throwing it out there is this him being passive or you two not naturally having a lot in common? I can only talk from experience however me and the bf fall into the conversations where you come out feeling like you know the other person a little bit better. But they're not initiated by anyone, we naturally have a lot to talk about and this brings up conversations like the ones your after. I'd maybe concentrate less on trying to have deep conversations and try and just have conversations you both enjoy without the pressure of having to entertain each other. By the tone of your message it makes it sound like you feel it's hard work and it shouldn't be IMO.

Also a side note... If he was passive before then he'll be passive afterwards. For example my personality is still my personality regardless of whether I'm choosing to be in a relationship, I'm still going to be lazy! Same with him, you can't blame him for not changing you shouldn't have expected him too.

[Pinion]

Throwing it out there is this him being passive or you two not naturally having a lot in common? I can only talk from experience however me and the bf fall into the conversations where you come out feeling like you know the other person a little bit better. But they're not initiated by anyone, we naturally have a lot to talk about and this brings up conversations like the ones your after. I'd maybe concentrate less on trying to have deep conversations and try and just have conversations you both enjoy without the pressure of having to entertain each other. By the tone of your message it makes it sound like you feel it's hard work and it shouldn't be IMO.

Also a side note... If he was passive before then he'll be passive afterwards. For example my personality is still my personality regardless of whether I'm choosing to be in a relationship, I'm still going to be lazy! Same with him, you can't blame him for not changing you shouldn't have expected him too.

I think it's him being passive, because we do have a fair bit in common. We had a similar upbringing, we have compatible senses of humor, we're both cockatiel owners, we both adore spicy food and cook at home, etc. He's even said that he feels we have a lot in common.

If I don't keep a conversation going throughout the evening, 4 out of 5 times it will die until one of us says we're going to bed. The rest of the time he'll bring up casual topics, like finding a news article related to an author he knows I like or asking what I've been up to.

If this is just how he is, I guess it's best to leave early.

[libelle]

Leave a couple of nights without initiating anything yourself and see if he gives any ideas for activities, or if he notices the change. If there is no reaction, just speak to him and tell him it bothers you really a lot, to the point of reconsidering the relationship. He obviously has found some sort of comfort zone and maybe last time you brought it up it didn't reach him and he didn't understand how big the issue is for you.

[MissButterfly]

I'm sick of hearing things like "whatever you want to do", "if you want", and "whatever makes you happy".

Haha! My SO is exactly the same in this regard. Aside from that I agree with the other posters, I just wanted to say that this isn't uncommon for a guy. It's not so much that he's not interested, it's probably that he just genuinely likes to do most what makes you happy, or what you want to do. I've told my SO a million times that girls don't like it when guys say stuff like that because it sounds like they don't care, but then he tells me that he doesn't mean it like that and that he'll try. I just try to not get so upset over it anymore, he means well. But if this is just a small part of a bigger problem that upsets you, then you really do have to work on it of course. Good luck!

[lyonsgirl]

I'm going to have to disagree with the "stop talking to him and see if he notices" response. Testing your SO like this is, honestly, a pretty shitty thing to do to him/her. How old are you two? Yes, it makes a bit of a difference.

A 19yr old male will be this way for several more years. A 30 yr old male may be able to change if he's alerted to it - plus chances are, the 30 yr old male is looking for a long-term relationship, whereas the 19 yr old might not be. (Please don't think I'm saying no 19 yr olds seek that kind of relationship (or 30 yr olds for that matter), it's just a generalization).

Tell him again how it makes you feel. The thing is, you can tell him once, but he may forget. I'm pretty sure my SO & I will discuss the same issue a number of times before we get it resolved, especially if it's a big one. Relax, talk to him. It will be okay.

[Pinion]

Leave a couple of nights without initiating anything yourself and see if he gives any ideas for activities, or if he notices the change. If there is no reaction, just speak to him and tell him it bothers you really a lot, to the point of reconsidering the relationship. He obviously has found some sort of comfort zone and maybe last time you brought it up it didn't reach him and he didn't understand how big the issue is for you.

I thought about doing that, but I'd feel bad about it. I'm angry with him, but he might interpret that as being shunned and I don't want to hurt him. I just want him to come to me a little more.

I'm going to have to disagree with the "stop talking to him and see if he notices" response. Testing your SO like this is, honestly, a pretty shitty thing to do to him/her. How old are you two? Yes, it makes a bit of a difference.

A 19yr old male will be this way for several more years. A 30 yr old male may be able to change if he's alerted to it - plus chances are, the 30 yr old male is looking for a long-term relationship, whereas the 19 yr old might not be. (Please don't think I'm saying no 19 yr olds seek that kind of relationship (or 30 yr olds for that matter), it's just a generalization).

Tell him again how it makes you feel. The thing is, you can tell him once, but he may forget. I'm pretty sure my SO & I will discuss the same issue a number of times before we get it resolved, especially if it's a big one. Relax, talk to him. It will be okay.

I'm in my early 20's and he's in his late 20's.

This is his first relationship not only because he's only recently begun getting over his anxiety issues, but because he's never wanted flings or casual relationships. We've both agreed we want a deep, committed relationship, but here we are....

We'll talk again tonight.

[snow]

I think it's him being passive, because we do have a fair bit in common. We had a similar upbringing, we have compatible senses of humor, we're both cockatiel owners, we both adore spicy food and cook at home, etc. He's even said that he feels we have a lot in common.

If I don't keep a conversation going throughout the evening, 4 out of 5 times it will die until one of us says we're going to bed. The rest of the time he'll bring up casual topics, like finding a news article related to an author he knows I like or asking what I've been up to.

If this is just how he is, I guess it's best to leave early.

To be honest this reminds me of my boyfriend a LOT.
I used to think I was boring and he didn't want to talk to me, but he just felt very comfortable around me and didn't need to fill every minute of being with me with talking. Once I understood that I thought it was nice. Most of our days were us doing each our own thing and if we wanted to do something together one of us (mostly me) brought up an activity and if he was into it we did it, if not we didn't.
Don't put so much stress on yourself!

Just think of how you spend time with people around you - do you talk ALL the time?

I'm in my early 20's and he's in his late 20's.

This is his first relationship not only because he's only recently begun getting over his anxiety issues, but because he's never wanted flings or casual relationships. We've both agreed we want a deep, committed relationship, but here we are....

We'll talk again tonight.

If he had anxiety issues he might just want to make you happy by doing whatever YOU want. Don't test him, try to find out if there is more behind this or if he is just a very passive person and likes to follow your lead (which doesn't mean he's not committed!!)

[Pinion]

Just think of how you spend time with people around you - do you talk ALL the time?

No, but they occasionally contact me and that's what makes me feel wanted as a friend or family member. If they didn't, I wouldn't feel wanted, I'd question whether or not they should be named as someone close to me and important, and if it was a friendship I might end things for someone who reciprocates so that I don't run on empty and have to sit out, alone, until I refuel on my own and can once again put on the charade of being more confident, active, and social than I really am just to earn some company. My friendships are held to better standards; why shouldn't my relationship be?

I don't want to talk all the time. Once or twice a week of him initiating and 1-2 hours total resulting from his effort would be great. I wouldn't even be complaining here if I got that much, and I don't think it's a lot (at all).

The thing is, other people are starting to overtake him in priority, such as my co-writer and offline friends. We don't see each other every day or even every other day (sometimes there's a week or more in between), but sometimes they seek me out and we often do things together or have meaningful discussions. I'm starting to feel bad about seeking out more and deeper friendships to compensate for the loneliness resulting from this relationship, because they're not just fleshing out my life so that I don't have to rely on him, they're replacing him.

Twice in the past two weeks I wasn't bothered by an evening of silence specifically because I had my fill of closeness and talking from other people, and declined casual conversation attempts in favor of rest. That's bad for a relationship not because we're not talking 24/7, but because I got what I wanted from him from other people and as a result I didn't have energy for him. That's the gateway to an emotional affair, and past a point it's going to sabotage attempts to fix things.

[temporaryuser]

This is his first relationship not only because he's only recently begun getting over his anxiety issues, but because he's never wanted flings or casual relationships. We've both agreed we want a deep, committed relationship, but here we are....

.

I am a quiet person. In the beginning of our relationship, I would never initiate any part of the conversation. It just wasnt me. My SO accepted that fact. He is a very talkative person, and we could stay on the phone for hours, and it wasnt a bad thing to have moments of silence. After 2+ years, my converstion skills have improved, but i am still a quiet person.
if he has had anxiety problems, continually pressing him to be more talkative and initiate conversation is only going to make it worse. How often do you talk? How long are you on the phone for? For me, I can be much more open thru text or email than I can be on the phone. i guess I just have more time to put my thoughts together that way.
If you are willing to call it quits after 2 months, then this relationship is not meant to be.
Could you get a list together of conversation starters? (you can google it there are hundreds). Then talk to him and tell him it would be nice if a few times a week (not everyday!) if he could pick something off the list to talk about. You can pick a tv show to watch together, that doesnt involve much conversation, but youare doing it together. Play an interactive game together. Read the same book and have discussions after every chapter.
A relationship , especially a new one (and yes, 2 months is still new), doesnt consist of deep daily conversation. It is about sharing life experiences.

[Pinion]

I am a quiet person. In the beginning of our relationship, I would never initiate any part of the conversation. It just wasnt me. My SO accepted that fact. He is a very talkative person, and we could stay on the phone for hours, and it wasnt a bad thing to have moments of silence. After 2+ years, my converstion skills have improved, but i am still a quiet person.
if he has had anxiety problems, continually pressing him to be more talkative and initiate conversation is only going to make it worse. How often do you talk? How long are you on the phone for? For me, I can be much more open thru text or email than I can be on the phone. i guess I just have more time to put my thoughts together that way.
If you are willing to call it quits after 2 months, then this relationship is not meant to be.
Could you get a list together of conversation starters? (you can google it there are hundreds). Then talk to him and tell him it would be nice if a few times a week (not everyday!) if he could pick something off the list to talk about. You can pick a tv show to watch together, that doesnt involve much conversation, but youare doing it together. Play an interactive game together. Read the same book and have discussions after every chapter.
A relationship , especially a new one (and yes, 2 months is still new), doesnt consist of deep daily conversation. It is about sharing life experiences.

He's anxious about calls so we do them once or twice a week. He's terrified of video calls so we do them maybe once every other week. Our relationship is mostly text and I'm always accommodating him on this. We have 2-5 hours together in the evenings, and we talk only as much as I am willing to talk. That usually winds up being 30 minutes to 2 hours total of me carrying one long or a few smaller conversations. We watch TV shows but only when I ask and we discuss them only when I initiate it. Same for games.

[Anoulie]

Sounds almost like he's not ready to be in any kind of romantic relationship right now because of the anxiety... also, it seems like you want very different things out of this. You want all the acitivites, deep conversations, etc., he wants to talk about how his day went. Do you think you can find a compromise? If not, you'll have to sit it out until he becomes secure / confident enough to do the things you'd like to do. And that may take a long time, if it ever happens. Think about it. Talk to him about it. I wish you all the best.

[temporaryuser]

if this is a deal breaker for you, then end it now. This isnt something you can just expect someone to change. He is in his late 20's, this is who he is. You either accept it, or move on.
You should explain to him how you feel, but not ina demaeaning way. More of I understand this is your personality and how you interact, but unfortunately I need more kind of way. Depending on his reaction to that, would determine where the relationship goes.