Heartbroken, and scared.... 7 years.... over?

[Chris]

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, because if I went over everything, it would never end.

My SO and I met online 7 years ago. We became best friends. 3 years into being best friends, we decided we wanted to start a relationship. Everything was wonderful and great. Everything with looking perfect.

Within a year of beginning our relationship we saw each other for the first time. And from that moment on, I would come and visit her every Easter and/or Thanksgiving. We never had issues and we both loved and looking forward to the visits. We had our disagreements now and then, sure, but I always apologized if I said something wrong and did my absolute best to make up for it. I come from a really messed up and abusive past, so sometimes I said very stupid things which hurt her, but I ALWAYS apologized and did my best to make up. Please understand though, that was a very rare thing. It wasn't something that happened a lot because we were very happy together.


Well... flash forward a few years of everything being great and a ton of visits. And I've just been crushed... completely killed. Our anniversary and my birthday were both at the very end of June. Literally just a couple days after we celebrated our 4th anniversary and my birthday, she came to me and told me she has been cheating on me with one of her co-workers, sexually, for almost 7 months. This wasn't a one time thing, she had been doing this for months, and lying to my face. Acting like everything was okay. I've told her from day one that if she ever felt unhappy with me, to talk to me, and if we had to, we could part ways on decent terms. But instead, she does this to me...

The fact that she cheated on me is hard. But for more than half a year of nothing but lying to me? It's killing me. And to make it even worse, she was having a sexual relationship with her co-worker. She comes from a hardcore Christian background. She told me at the beginning of the relationship that she didn't want to have intercourse until we were married. I respected her and her wishes. And then she goes and does that...

I'm so messed up right now. With her help, I battled through my major depression and actually was happy for the first time in as long as I can could remember, and now this... We're both in our 20s if that matters. And I feel I should point out that we were going to close the distance for good in September of this year... just a few months before I was going to ask for hand in marriage and close the distance... and she knows that...

During all of this, I've told her repeatedly that I still love her. That we can learn to completely forgive and trust again, if we're willing to put in the effort. And I am trying. I told her I could come down there right now if it would help her, and she said no. I want it to work, I want to forgive and love, and not be alone again =(. I don't want my depression to rip my life apart again... She told all of this to me on July 1st. It's now the 3rd. I asked her if she was willing to work with me to make things work out, and she said yes.

But now, again, she just messaged me telling me that she can't get over the doubts, and that it's not going to work. And that she doesn't love me the same anymore, because 1 year ago she wouldn't have even thought about doing what she did. What have I done to deserve this...?

I was literally getting everything together for her and getting ready to come down there to her in a few short months, to marry...


I'm sorry this was so long, I'm just so heartbroken and destroyed right now =(

[Anoulie]

[...] she has been cheating on me with one of her co-workers, sexually, for almost 7 months. This wasn't a one time thing, she had been doing this for months, and lying to my face. Acting like everything was okay. [...] She comes from a hardcore Christian background. She told me at the beginning of the relationship that she didn't want to have intercourse until we were married.

Dude. Dump her. That's just... dishonest. I wouldn't be able to ever trust someone again who did this to me. I'm generally not with the "once a cheater, always a cheater" crowd, but if she did this for seven months... lied to you (and probably her family) about waiting till marriage to have sex.. just... no.

[Chris516]

I will try to show you, that I know what you are feeling, even though the relationship was when I was in high school.

Between my Junior and Senior years in high school, I dated a girl over the summer. Three weeks into the relationship, she had a friend of hers, call me at 2am on a weekday(which woke my father up), to tell me the relationship was over because my girlfriend's 'real boyfriend' had just been released from the county lockup. I told her friend that I wouldn't listen to her, only my 'girlfriend'. It turned out that, my 'girlfriend', and her 'real boyfriend' were also present during the call. Because, When I said I wouldn't believe her friend, only my 'girlfriend' I was boiling mad about my 'girlfriend' pulling a stunt like this. My 'girlfriend' started crying in the background saying it was true. It wasn't the breakup that hurt, it was the time of day that she told me, and how she told me.

I know this part may sound sort of spiteful, or vengeful, or whatever.

Five years later, I happen to run into her mother at a local metro station. I asked how my ex was doing. Her mother told me, that my ex dropped out of school, her very first year of high school which was the school year after we dated. I was saddened, but not surprised. Considering that her 'real boyfriend' when we 'dated', was a petty criminal who has probably 'gone on to bigger and better(criminal) things'.

[PrincessJOE]

I don't want to sound 'harsh' or anything but... I think she doesn't deserve someone like you. From what I read, you really did anything you could, both when things were alright and now, telling her that you re willing to get over it together, but she doesnt seem to put a lot of effort in it.
I'm in my 20s too, i think if this cheating thing happened just once, it could be understood maybe (personally, i wouldn't be able to get over it either, but that's just me ). It could be justified by a moment of 'weakness', something she didn't expect or other things. But 7 months are a bit too much imo to justify it: 7 months means she did have the time to think about it, and considerate if it was just a 'crush', a mistake or what, and she chose to go on.
Obviously, it's up to you chosing whether to try to talk to her again or not, but as Anoulie said, think she did it once and she could do it again in the future. Could you really trust her again? :/
Personally, I wouldn't try to talk to her again: you showed her you are willing to forgive her and start again, if she really wants to too, she knows where to find you. If she decides to keep in touch with you (even if it may take her some time, maybe), then it'll be you the one who has the right to choose if you want to give her another chance or not

I wish you all the best, in any case

[LittleBox]

I agree with the above, trust is easier (not easy by any means but easier) to mend when your SO has had a onetime lapse in judgement. With her carrying on for seven months I can't fathom how you would even begin to forgive and forget. She has to be just as willing as you are to fix the problems if she's in it halfheartedly then all your efforts will be wasted. Speaking from experience, no matter how much you might want to mend something, its not enough to change their mind if their heart isn't in it.

You haven't done anything to deserve this, some people just turn on you in a split second and you really have no way of knowing. Its a risk you take when you love someone. I know you're going through an incredibly hard time and its going to be difficult to think objectively but give yourself some breathing room and in time you'll see this was for the best. If you need to vent/talk feel free to PM me (:

[leonsfangirl]

I'm heartbroken for you. So sorry that it's gone this way. You are not at fault here, she did this. You don't deserve this, you deserve better. What she's done is horrible and your better off without her. Atleast she told you before you moved and married, this way you can be with family and friends while you heal and move on.

Again, so sorry.

[libelle]

You just don't do that to someone who you love... On top of all bad words that come in my mind she is a coward and egoist. For losing 7 months of your life in order to have fun with her selfish actions, for deluding and betraying you like that, for not having the guts to tell you that something wasn't going good in the relationship. Instead of trying ot work on it or simply end it, she chose to go behind your back like that. Unforgivable. You even offered her to work on it and to forgive her for what she did... And what did she do? Accepted and then spat it back in your face. Just leave her. Maybe she was worth it 4 years ago, not anymore though. You deserve better.

[Ejoriah]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please bear in mind however that you don't need HER (or anyone else, for that matter) to be happy. Yes she helped get you through your depression but you can't hold on to the past after she has done something like this. You CAN be happy without her and you will find someone who does not feel the need to lie for 7 months to your face, depriving you of sex while freely giving it to someone else.

[Filly]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Please bear in mind however that you don't need HER (or anyone else, for that matter) to be happy. Yes she helped get you through your depression but you can't hold on to the past after she has done something like this. You CAN be happy without her and you will find someone who does not feel the need to lie for 7 months to your face, depriving you of sex while freely giving it to someone else.

THIS. To be lying to your face for 7 months is unforgivable. Please move on with your life she is not worth it.

[Goyangi]

Let go, man. I wouldn't regret your relationship; learn from it, and move on. When you find that person who deserves you, you'll be glad you did.

[abna1]

I completely agree with libelle.

First of all, I'm very sorry you had to go through this. As the others have already said, you deserve a lot better !
To me, what she's done would be unforgivable so my respect that you would have been willing to work through this and forgive her. I would never have been able to do that. Not only did she cheat for more than half a year without regret, but she told you a barefaced lie about wanting to wait for sex until marriage (for 7 years !) If you don't agree with her views on that, it's a pretty big sacrifice you made for her and she just went and disrespected you like that.
I guess the only "positive" thing would be that she confessed before you closed the distance and got married.
I'm really sorry you're feeling heartbroken and betrayed. I also believe it would be for the best to forget and move on. This girl doesn't deserve you in the least. I hope that you'll find someone soon who loves, appreciates and respects you and only you !

[Hollandia]

When someone does something like this to you it is telling you that the person you thought they were never existed. The person that you thought you were in love with was a lie. She does not exist. I hope it makes it easier to realize that you are not losing her, because you never had that person. Seven months is a very long time to carry out a lie. It takes a lot of forethought and repeated times to choose to continue to do so or not. She is, imo, scum. The woman you loved was a fantasy. The good news is there are many real women out there that will appreciate you for who you are and treat you with the same amount of respect, love and affection as you treat them.

[Chris]

I appreciate the advice everyone, I really do. But you have to understand that I'm still in shock and I'm still getting my thoughts together. I'm trying to look at this in a rational way, and not just with emotion, which is why I posted this. For advice, second opinions, and different perspectives. I'm not ready to make any real decisions yet because I'm still in shock. With time, will come the answers. I'm still deciding on what I really want to do.

[80anthea]

I've been there, I've been cheated on in the past and it's awful. You need to take time to get over the initial shock, don't contact her and if she contacts you just delete and ignore it. You will move on from this, I have, millions of others who have been cheated on have. You'll find someone wonderful who really deserves you. But right now take it day by day, hour by hour even and allow yourself to mourn the relationship.

[Hollandia]

I appreciate the advice everyone, I really do. But you have to understand that I'm still in shock and I'm still getting my thoughts together. I'm trying to look at this in a rational way, and not just with emotion, which is why I posted this. For advice, second opinions, and different perspectives. I'm not ready to make any real decisions yet because I'm still in shock. With time, will come the answers. I'm still deciding on what I really want to do.

Didn't she already take that decision away from you?