Heartbroken, and scared.... 7 years.... over?

[Hollandia]

Nothing else is going to be said on here. I didn't realize that she was going to say anything at all on here. It's all private from here on out, but I suppose we both needed to vent badly.

You asked for advice, you either want it or not.

[Black_Halloween]

I feel that I should give my perspective, and I'm prepared to accept the criticism because I agree that what I did was unforgivable.

When we were friends, and when we began our relationship, Chris helped me with my depression too. Together, we brought our depression to manageable levels, and we were pretty happy together. My memories of the first few years of our relationship are mostly positive, but I know we spent a fair amount of time arguing about various things. Anything as stupid as a movie or song I liked or even my religion. I became afraid and reluctant to discuss my religious or political views and came to refuse to choose movies for us to watch. Often, when we had arguments, I stopped talking and listened to Chris without saying a word... sometimes for hours on end. Chris began to offer me a chance to state my own opinions, but due to my own insecurities, I usually kept my mouth shut. I felt if I said anything, it would only escalate the argument. Sometimes I was relieved during our visits just because we had more to do than talk. We had more distractions available (board games, dinner, fairs) so our arguments were kept to a minimum.

I know it's petty. I should have just talked to him about how I felt or gotten over it. I vented to a friend at work instead. A few months into this year, I started cheating with that friend. I was never proud of it. Other than a few sexual acts with Chris, that was my first sexual experience. Before I got with this person from work, my coping skills tended to include pulling my hair, choking myself, digging my nails into my skin, taking medications incorrectly, or playing with knives. This person from work became my new coping mechanism. New punishment? I didn't do this without guilt.

I'm afraid to make things up with Chris for several reasons. I don't want to hurt him again. I don't want to feel the insecurity I felt before. I don't feel that I deserve him. I don't know what I want for myself.

So... Go ahead. Pick me apart. At this point, I need a push to figure out what to do with myself.

I call total bull shit. You're making up excuses to why you cheated. You're blaming your mental health for your actions when you know better than that. My ex did that to me, blamed his depression on his actions when he couldn't accept what he did. You're nothing but a cheater and a liar. Get over yourself.

[Hollandia]

It sounds like he bought all her bullshi% again. It is a shame he sounded like a nice guy and she cheated on him for 7 months and lied to him and yet some still think she deserves a second chance.

I feel bad for him when she decides to show her true colors again. I don't think it will be long. She might just learn to lie a bit better. Poor bud. I hope he does not waste too much of his life with this one.

[ST25]

I feel that I should give my perspective, and I'm prepared to accept the criticism because I agree that what I did was unforgivable.

When we were friends, and when we began our relationship, Chris helped me with my depression too. Together, we brought our depression to manageable levels, and we were pretty happy together. My memories of the first few years of our relationship are mostly positive, but I know we spent a fair amount of time arguing about various things. Anything as stupid as a movie or song I liked or even my religion. I became afraid and reluctant to discuss my religious or political views and came to refuse to choose movies for us to watch. Often, when we had arguments, I stopped talking and listened to Chris without saying a word... sometimes for hours on end. Chris began to offer me a chance to state my own opinions, but due to my own insecurities, I usually kept my mouth shut. I felt if I said anything, it would only escalate the argument. Sometimes I was relieved during our visits just because we had more to do than talk. We had more distractions available (board games, dinner, fairs) so our arguments were kept to a minimum.

I know it's petty. I should have just talked to him about how I felt or gotten over it. I vented to a friend at work instead. A few months into this year, I started cheating with that friend. I was never proud of it. Other than a few sexual acts with Chris, that was my first sexual experience. Before I got with this person from work, my coping skills tended to include pulling my hair, choking myself, digging my nails into my skin, taking medications incorrectly, or playing with knives. This person from work became my new coping mechanism. New punishment? I didn't do this without guilt.

I'm afraid to make things up with Chris for several reasons. I don't want to hurt him again. I don't want to feel the insecurity I felt before. I don't feel that I deserve him. I don't know what I want for myself.

So... Go ahead. Pick me apart. At this point, I need a push to figure out what to do with myself.

Why is everyone being so f##king sanctimonious all of a sudden? Remember, glass houses and stones and all?

To the OP: Let me just say...that I absolutely know where you're coming from. But the fact that you're doing self-harm, even picking at your hair, is not healthy. I agree that you should talk it out with your SO in private, but if you want any more perspective then you are free to message me since I've been down that road before. I have some coping mechanisms that helped me, but not sure if they can help you with your problem. Either way, I hope you and your SO (or ex, I dunno) can find some peace in anyway.

[libelle]

May I ask which those religious views were? Which religion do you count yourself to, CynderAngel? Because as far as I my information goes in none is cheating and betrayal accepted. You basically drifted apart from your SO because of being scared of arguments about Exactly those views of yours, and then stomped on them completely by 1,having sex and 2,that being with another man. You just created a needless mess on your own.

[princessmaria]

I think something people are overlooking in this thread is that you both met each other in incredibly low places in your life. You both relied on the other person to fix the issue which is a huge red flag on any start of any relationship. It's really hard to love someone the way that you should when you aren't necessarily happy with yourself. From what I've gathered in this thread you both hurt each other quite a bit and you both have some deep rooted psychological issues that won't go away with simply "being in love". Love is an overwhelming thing, it consumes us and then we become obsessed with the feeling. It overshadows every other feeling in our life, but as time goes on it begins to fade and simmer in our hearts--it doesn't go away, but it becomes quiet and the feelings that you tried to suppress early on begin to resurface. I think where both of you messed up is not handling your issues before deciding to get so serious, and assuming that because of your strong feelings for each other, it was no longer necessary.

I really think it's best now for you two to go on your separate ways and become just friends. Work on dealing with your issues independently, seek therapeutic health and try to become happy with yourselves and where you are going in your life without relying on the crutch of a intimate relationship. I totally understand where CynderAngel is coming from in not knowing what she wants anymore, and I understand why OP is terrified but I think it's for the best that you two face your fears so that you can overcome them.

[chizatlauren]

I guess the two of you need a break.

To Cynderangel, I'm sorry, but I have to say this. You're just using all those excuses you mentioned as your "acceptable" reasons to cheat on Chris. Whatever shitty reason you have right there, just keep it to yourself. Because cheating for SEVEN MONTHS needs no excuse. It's unjustifiable. Don't blame your mental health because you pretty much have an idea on how wrong cheating is. What religion told you that it's okay to f*ck someone else when you're in a committed relationship?

To Chris, I only have a few words. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

[Hollandia]

Why is everyone being so f##king sanctimonious all of a sudden? Remember, glass houses and stones and all?

To the OP: Let me just say...that I absolutely know where you're coming from. But the fact that you're doing self-harm, even picking at your hair, is not healthy. I agree that you should talk it out with your SO in private, but if you want any more perspective then you are free to message me since I've been down that road before. I have some coping mechanisms that helped me, but not sure if they can help you with your problem. Either way, I hope you and your SO (or ex, I dunno) can find some peace in anyway.

Glass houses and stones is a biblical reference to those who had not sinned let them cast the first stone. Are you assuming in this case most of us cheated in some way? I have never cheated and so I don't have any respect for someone that does and I have no problem casting that first stone in this case. Please remember that doing immoral things come in all different levels of tiers. This one is pretty bad.

I was cheated on before and so I also know how it feels to be cheated on. I was not cheated on for 7 months and lied to about it and I did not go without sex all the while the cheater was banging their brains out. They idea of that just makes me want to vomit.

Saying that it is okay in anyway is just being an enabler to the next time someone cheats.

[snow]

I believe there is no reason or excuse for cheating.

But I also understand Chris' point of view since he really loves her and love makes blind - we all know that.
So it's not our place to judge their relationship, nor the things she did or why.

You two need to figure out by yourselves if and how it is going on with you two. Regard all the good advice that has been given and good luck.

[LadyDaemon]

Well,all I can say to dude is that I hope you realized the line of crap she's fed you and you move on from her. You deserve better then that. I understand you not being totally innocent and having snapped about somethings,but that's not an excuse for her to cheat on you. Ever.

I will speak on this as someone who has been cheated on multiple times by multiple people,as someone who deals with clinical depression on a daily basis with no help of any kind and as someone who's lived with a pathological liar for the last 22 years. Mental health status is NEVER an excuse to cheat on someone. I could maybe see it being a reason if she had mental issues to the point she only has the mental capacity of a 8 year old,but she's a grown woman who obviously has no such mental handicap. Depression does not hinder your ability to know the difference. To say that it is a valid reason is a cop out. People,especially pathological liars,pull those strings because they know if they do then the other party feels sorry for them and even in most cases makes the other person stay. All it is,is a means of manipulation to get what they want and in this case it was a means of manipulation so she could continue to have her cake and eat it too. She was keeping dude around in case the other "relationship" failed,I guarantee it. Gotta love being someones back-up choice. It's obvious the girl has no moral compass. I think he would do good to chalk this up as a lesson learned and then rid himself of her.

[MattDavies86]

I'm sorry to hear this mate but that's "game over" in my book, bye bye and get rid of her, you deserve so much better than that! it's disgraceful behavior!

[ST25]

Glass houses and stones is a biblical reference to those who had not sinned let them cast the first stone. Are you assuming in this case most of us cheated in some way? I have never cheated and so I don't have any respect for someone that does and I have no problem casting that first stone in this case. Please remember that doing immoral things come in all different levels of tiers. This one is pretty bad.

I was cheated on before and so I also know how it feels to be cheated on. I was not cheated on for 7 months and lied to about it and I did not go without sex all the while the cheater was banging their brains out. They idea of that just makes me want to vomit.

Saying that it is okay in anyway is just being an enabler to the next time someone cheats.

But does that give anyone else a reason to judge them like they're the most evil person on this planet? Hell no. They're human beings and mistakes can happen, but whatever happens between them will happen between them only. You don't her - how can anyone know that she would cheat on him the next time it happens?

And funny you say that cheated part because I am what most people would consider a cheater, so her situation rang true to what I had to deal with and I answered towards it. Doesn't mean she was a bad person for what she did, she just did a really bad action based on fear and insecurity. If there is cheating, then there's always a reason for it, whether people want to believe it or not. Trust me, there are reasons behind it that, with both parties willing, can be worked out without too much damage control. In this case, it looks like two people have issues to deal with, not just one and hasn't been just one person in that aspect.

[Hollandia]

But does that give anyone else a reason to judge them like they're the most evil person on this planet? Hell no. They're human beings and mistakes can happen, but whatever happens between them will happen between them only. You don't her - how can anyone know that she would cheat on him the next time it happens?

And funny you say that cheated part because I am what most people would consider a cheater, so her situation rang true to what I had to deal with and I answered towards it. Doesn't mean she was a bad person for what she did, she just did a really bad action based on fear and insecurity. If there is cheating, then there's always a reason for it, whether people want to believe it or not. Trust me, there are reasons behind it that, with both parties willing, can be worked out without too much damage control. In this case, it looks like two people have issues to deal with, not just one and hasn't been just one person in that aspect.

Yes, it does gives us a right if we believe firmly enough in the opinion that everything is not inexcusable and making it sound like it is just makes more people commit the acts repeatedly over and over again. I am sorry if you are a cheater then you are kind of bound to feel this way for that reason itself. You cheated and you have your reasons, I did not and got cheated on. People have their reasons for murder too and rape, does that make that okay?

Let me say this again. She cheated on him for 7 stinking months. She told him she wanted to wait for sex and in the meanwhile was lying and cheating on him. Why should she be given any benefit of the doubt? There is no doubt, she did it for seven long months. What does someone have to do for you not to say we should not judge them? Screw his brother okay? No? What if she had really good reasons for it? How about his Dad? Or have an affair with with her own sibling? The are lines and we all have them. I actually think if it was a few times and then she confessed and came clean that would be different, but this was long and drawn out and I think that it is unforgivable.

[LadyDaemon]

But does that give anyone else a reason to judge them like they're the most evil person on this planet? Hell no. They're human beings and mistakes can happen, but whatever happens between them will happen between them only. You don't her - how can anyone know that she would cheat on him the next time it happens?

And funny you say that cheated part because I am what most people would consider a cheater, so her situation rang true to what I had to deal with and I answered towards it. Doesn't mean she was a bad person for what she did, she just did a really bad action based on fear and insecurity. If there is cheating, then there's always a reason for it, whether people want to believe it or not. Trust me, there are reasons behind it that, with both parties willing, can be worked out without too much damage control. In this case, it looks like two people have issues to deal with, not just one and hasn't been just one person in that aspect.

Fear and insecurity is not an excuse,you either deal with it and work it out like adults or you leave. There may always be a reason but that doesn't make it a good one or a legit one. I honestly think that once you cheat on someone then there's a significantly higher chance that it will happen again. I was with someone for 3 years and he cheated on me 7 different times with 7 different people. Every guy before and after him have all cheated on me and once they did it the first time they went and did it again even though I gave them a second chance. So,forgive me for my lack of compassion for what you're saying.

[Deleted]

No, she isn't the most evil human on the planet, but I still think it is wrong...and having reasons or not, we can't pretend cheating is right. I know there is always a reason to cheat but as someone else said, there is always a reason to do everything that is wrong. As far as I can get to know from what's been said here, both the OP and his SO need professional help, and in my opinion, his SO needs it even more. I do not think cheating is right, not even in her book, hence why she is feeling confused now and feeling guilty. And from what I read, she hurts herself so she really needs help, because she is hurting herself quite a lot too and this could happen to her again with any other guy. I don't mean cheating, I only mean, hurting people...either her SO or herself.

Maybe she will do it again, maybe not, but let along the cheating... if both of them are suffering so greatly in this relationship, it is time to let go. I would suggest they both take a big break before starting another relationship because it seems they have things to sort out with themselves too.

To be honest I am not one who can easily justify cheating, specially for long periods of time. There ARE situations in which it is understandable to some extent, and (almost) everyone deserves the right to be forgiven, but NOBODY is forced to forgive that...and even with forgiveness, nobody is forced to stay in a relationship that has caused a lot of harm and could eventually cause more.

Good luck both of you...