My SO has gained a bit of weight...

[Hollandia]

I don't see the immediate correlation between "I want my SO to loose weight because I'm less attracted to him" and "I want my SO to be pretty so that he looks great ALL THE TIME!!!!"


While one is shallow and totally emphasizes physicality over connection the other is simply a preference that has to do with the relationship as a whole.

People leave their partners all the time. I don't understand why everyone is so emotional?

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

[Tooki]

I wouldn't be concerned that he gained 50 pounds, but I would be concerned about WHY he gained 50 pounds.

Did he really lose it because he got a desk job or did he gain 50 pounds because he has a bad diet? Is this more about your own health 'issues'?

I understand your concern. Gaining 50 pounds so quickly would cause me to worry as well. It isn't something minor and if the issue goes to his diet, it may even get worse. It is a touchy subject so I wish you well.

[digitalfever]

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

Seeing people for their inner beauty and all their awesomeness is great and all but it rarely happens. We all make judgements on appearance and that's a fact. But it's clear that the OP does care for her boyfriend and is seeking advice.

The clear and obvious problem is that op's SO has to want to change for himself and until that revelation happens anything she does will probably be in vain.

Obviously people gain and loose weight throughout life. But weight affects a lot of things like activity level, sexual performance and your general mood especially when like the OP's SO was originally lighter.

[LadyDaemon]

I would do as a couple of other people suggested,ask him what may have caused his weight gain and if he asks for your help,then help him. Just don't assume straight away that suddenly he gained weight simply because he has a desk job or just doesn't eat right,sometimes people gain weight because of emotional/personal issues. The worst thing you can do is say something to him about it assuming it must be strictly because he isn't active etc. an make an ass of yourself. Because then it not only makes him feel bad but then it can put strain on the relationship because then they may not feel good enough for you. I can attest to the fact that your emotions (if tied to food like it is for some people) will make weight gain happen,especially if there's any sort of depression involved. So,like I said just ask him why and if he asks for your help then do that for him.

[80anthea]

It is called being shallow.

If people are leaving thier SO's all the time for being shallow all the time, it is sad. I also agreed with it. No emotion involved, just sadness.

A preference over connection is a pretty way to rationalize being shallow. It is okay to be shallow but they should just admit it.

If you were married to your SO some ten years down the road and after a few kids and can't seem to drop the last 30 pounds he leaves you because of his preference of your condition, how will you feel then?

We are supposed to be in this for the long run. As we age, some go bald and some get fat and some have diseases or accidents that steal their attractiveness. I don't personally want a partner that will be dependent upon me meeting all his preferences. I want one that will love me for me.

50 pounds for any decent size guy is not that much weight and is not life threatening at all. It will be hard to lose but he may never lose it. She needs to decide if she is willing to stay with him if he never does. That much is a fact.

I agree with this. It's somewhat easier for me I suppose in that I totally fell for my SO before I'd even seen him as he didn't want to show me photos as he was really self-conscious. It turns out when I finally did see him in photos, videos and then real life that I did find him incredibly sexy but it was his mind and personality I fell in love with first and for me that will always be more important than what he looks like.

[Hollandia]

Seeing people for their inner beauty and all their awesomeness is great and all but it rarely happens. We all make judgements on appearance and that's a fact. But it's clear that the OP does care for her boyfriend and is seeking advice.

The clear and obvious problem is that op's SO has to want to change for himself and until that revelation happens anything she does will probably be in vain.

Obviously people gain and loose weight throughout life. But weight affects a lot of things like activity level, sexual performance and your general mood especially when like the OP's SO was originally lighter.

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

[sarahjane1992]

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

Exactly. This is on point!

[Black_Halloween]

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

Exactly Holl! Attractiveness fades but love is forever <3

[Zantanada]

Speaking from personal experience, losing 20-65 pounds isn't that much. From biking/walking to work every day for a year (without dieting) I lost 30 pounds. It was only about 3 miles both ways. Now I have gotten out of the habit of working out due to new job, schedule, and etc. Though I've taken up a really basic diet, mostly pasta, some meats, and rice in modest portions (different diets work for different people). I still drink soda, and have candy now and then. As well my SO and I's therapeutic Five Guys visit. I've still lost 30 pounds there as well. Point is smart eating can lead to weight loss, just as much as working out regularly can.

He can lose the weight, and you should talk to him. People may call you shallow, but I get it. Attraction is a big part of any relationship. I say stay with him, but help him fix the problem. There's always more that can be done.

[Hollandia]

Speaking from personal experience, losing 20-65 pounds isn't that much. From biking/walking to work every day for a year (without dieting) I lost 30 pounds. It was only about 3 miles both ways. Now I have gotten out of the habit of working out due to new job, schedule, and etc. Though I've taken up a really basic diet, mostly pasta and rice in modest portions. I still drink soda, and have candy now and then. As well my SO and I's therapeutic Five Guys visit. I've still lost 30 pounds there as well. Point is smart eating can lead to weight loss, just as much as working out regularly can.

He can lose the weight, and you should talk to him. People may call you shallow, but I get it. Attraction is a big part of any relationship. I say stay with him, but help him fix the problem. There's always more that can be done.

50 pounds should not be enough to lose attractiveness to your mate. Attractiveness should not be all about physical appearance.

And sure he can lose all the weight, but he also might not, the question is can she handle that? Or if he gains more?

[LadyDaemon]

Exactly Holl! Attractiveness fades but love is forever <3

This..

[Zephii]

My boyfriend and I have been long distance since we started dating 3 and 1/2 years ago. I love him so very much. We have an amazing connection. I am extremely active, exercising almost everyday and I eat really healthy. He eats well, but does not exercise. He just recently got a new job where he sits at a desk all day long. This has brought on a good bit of weight gain. At least 50 pounds. I need to be with someone active and I want to be with him. It's hard to inspire someone to lose weight from 300 miles away.

Does anyone have any tips on encouraging him to lose weight? I'm scared I'm losing my attraction for him.

Because I know the kind of flaming you are going to get for this, I'm not reading the comments. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting a partner to maintain their attractiveness at the level they were when you got together with them (understanding of course the changes of age).
My SO has gained a little weight too, and I mean a tiny bit, no where near 50 pounds and already I'm giving him the nudge. I am not, in any way, physically attracted to larger men (even if the largeness is muscle not fat) and there's nothing wrong with that.
I have been with a very overweight partner before and could love and feel some attraction regardless of that, and I know within myself that I'm not a shallow person. The fact is, if my partner can not look after himself he can't look after me or our children. And like you, I want someone who can keep up with me physically. All political-correctness aside, that's the truth.

Like you said, it's much harder to encourage an active lifestyle LD. For me, I'm just like "Hey, while I feed this baby would you like to go do some sit-ups in the other room?" but when your main communication straps you into a computer chair, it's not so easy. I'd go with honesty, because that's how I roll. Try "I've noticed that your new job is effecting your health and think perhaps we could both find time to be a bit more active." If you're able to call each other on phones, you could take your daily phone call outside and jog together even.

I guess my advice is to remain positive, be sensitive to the fact boys worry about their bodies too and be honest. Good luck. I'm sure the response you've gotten today has scared you off the forum for life, but if not, welcome. Come chat to me sometime.

[Goyangi]

Expressing concern for your SO's wellbeing is perfectly acceptable, in my opinion. It is hard to say how his weight gain has effected his health because I have no idea what your SO is built like, his height, ect, but 50 pounds especially in a short period of time is, generally, a red flag. I would say sensitive, positive encouragements are the key because regardless of how much you may want him to change, people only do so effectively on his or her own terms.

I do think love and attraction are separate conditions, and perhaps some may have jumped the gun assuming your fading "attraction" is synonymous for fading love. I believe successful relationships are those with both a steady love and attraction; it is up to you to decide if your fading attraction is a deal breaker.

[Remy]

My girlfriend and I are on different parts of the 'weight spectrum' as you can probably tell from my avatar. Despite the fact that she feels she needs to lose weight and the fact that I LOVE the fact that she's curvy, it's not up to me at the end of the day if she wants to lose the weight or not. I have suffered (and continue to suffer, currently in a recovery phase...) from anorexia for almost 9 years. So weight, body image issues are things that are certainly not strangers to me.

I guess I'm a small minority, but I would still love my partner even if she gained more weight. Attractiveness isn't all physical to me. However, if it came to a point where health is being risked, then yes, I would most certainly be concerned and might nudge some of it my partner's way.

Communicate this with your partner! But here's the thing, YOU can exercise too! Make it a team effort. It doesn't have to be about weightloss. It can be about staying fit n' healthy. A little exercise never hurt anyone. Good luck!

[Zapookie]

My SO has some extra weight however he's much fitter than I am. You can still be fit and overweight, just like you can be skinny and unfit. I personally would talk to your SO and figure out why he's gained the weight.