My SO has gained a bit of weight...

[Dezface]

I don't see how it's unreasonable to prefer your partner maintain a normal healthy weight. The difference between this and some of the other examples given is that weight can be controlled. Losing your hair can not. I would prefer my SO not be overweight and he prefers the same of me. That being said, neither of us are skinny so it's not like we're setting a model standard for ourselves or anything.

My ex gained a lot of weight during our relationship. At one point he was probably about 50 pounds heavier than when we'd gotten together. It wasn't a deal breaker for me, but if I'm honest, I wasn't as attracted to him as I previously had been.

I think love conquers all is a nice idea but the fact is we're a visual creature. Now maybe for some it's a deal breaker and some it's not, but we all like to find our partners attractive. And that means our definition of attractive, not the standard.


OP, I would be tactfully honest with him. If you try hinting, he'll get it any way and probably just be more insulted. I would take the direct but kind approach instead.

[Deleted]

I think people is being a little harsh on the comments. I agree that emotions are WAY more important than looks because looks fade away, but I get how suddenly 50 pounds may be shocking, specially in a LDR. From one visit to another, suddenly BOOM, 50 more pounds, MUST be shocking. I am on the side of those who are wondering more on why he gained this weight. Just show some concern on the health side and not on the looks, telling him that could (but not necessarily) the be worst thing you could do if you want him to lose weight. Also, some people do really make an effort to look better to their SO and expect the same in return. While it is not precisely wrong, I'd say the best is to do it for oneself, which is why you should stress on the health side and not the looks. Doing it for yourself is usually healthy, and doing it for someone else may even be a sacrifice, so having him do it for himself and for his health will have him doing it happier and in a better way.

Besides, I imagine it would be horrible to feel you SO would leave you if you lost your looks. Well, to me at least :P I can't be with someone whom I feel would not love me if I lost my looks. I really need feeling that.

From my experience I can tell that cheering up is always the best. The more I call my SO "handsome", the more handsome he wants to get. I never did it to manipulate him, but believe me, he has really gotten better... he's now acne free and his teeth look better, he's more fit now and everything, and I never really told him he should change one single thing. But the best part? his self esteem is way better, and he projects it... and that's really attractive!

[aniay]

I guess I'm a small minority, but I would still love my partner even if she gained more weight. Attractiveness isn't all physical to me. However, if it came to a point where health is being risked, then yes, I would most certainly be concerned and might nudge some of it my partner's way.

Communicate this with your partner! But here's the thing, can exercise too! Make it a team effort. It doesn't have to be about weightloss. It can be about staying fit n' healthy. A little exercise never hurt anyone. Good luck!

Agree with that! No matter how my SO will look like, and I know how bad it can get for him, I will love him and find him attractive. He says it's the same for him. But we also have a promise that if we ever get to unhealthy point we'll motivate each other to loose weight for health, not because we'll ever find each other unattractive.

I can only say, for ten years I was with a thin guy who stopped finding me attractive the moment I gained weight after pregnancy, I lost 10kg for him and he was all 'couldn't you loose 5 more?' I know it's mostly attitude problem in that case and not necesairly in yours but I know how hard it is to understand weiht problems for someone who never had them.
It is very easy to hurt other person if you tell them you lost their attraction because they've gained wight. (After my last relationship it's a ealbreaker for me. I want to be accepted as I am no matter how much I weight.
For me love and commitment is accepting the other person with EVERYTHING, weight included.

[digitalfever]

You are not getting the point that attractiveness will fade. Will you still love your mate when it does?

I have to say you still don't get the fact that if you pick a life partner you pick them for all their flaws.

I agree that it is totally up to her SO and tried to explain that. If it is a deal breaker for her, then she should leave. If he is fighting this battle now, there is no guarantee he won't have to fight it again later in life and in a stronger vain.

If the SO's being lighter takes such issue to it then she must decide if these factors are deal breakers for her or not. I am much lighter than my SO and no matter if he gained a hundred pounds I am going nowhere. Do I wish he would be able to lose the weight, sure, does it affect my level of love or attraction to him, no.

Can you be anymore condescending?

Your examples don't correlate with the SO's issue. Being disfigured, goin bald and gaining weight after pregnancy are not things you have control over. Hormones, other people's decisions and generics play a role in those scenarios. Then your SO cant possibly be at fault. But I've seen people leave partners that have suddenly become paralysed or disfigured all the same.

People are shitty and the world isn't all about "life partners" and rainbows. Would I leave my partner when he looses his attractiveness? Funny you should ask. My partner wasn't originally someone is be attracted
too. He's skinny, kind of scrawny and looks like a geek BUT I fell in love with him and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. So no. I wouldn't. I love him.

BUT I can separate my feelings and what I believe true within myself and my relationship from what the OP is asking.

[ST25]

My SO is somewhat on the 'fit' side, but we do encourage each other to exercise together when we get the chance. If he gained weight, yeah, I'll still love him, but if he gained something more than 90 pounds or more...I'll love him but let's just say that I won't be having as much sex with him because I won't be sexually attracted anymore. To OP, again, you can talk with him about just why he gained the weight if it's out of character for him.

[Malaga]

I agree that the weight issue should be addressed, especially if he's gained it so fast, it should be a cause for concern. But I don't think either you or your SO have a responsibility to maintain a certain weight for each other, as some people suggested. I think in any relationship there should be freedom for partners to not be at their best at certain points in time and still feel loved and desired by their partners. It is cruel and shallow to impose weight as some sort of standard of whether or not your partner deserves your love and affection. Yes we are visual creatures but your emotions towards someone change how you perceive their looks. I was never into skinny men, yet you can hardly find skinnier than my SO. It's not just that I tolerate his skinny, I literally can't take my eyes off him. I still don't find other skinny men attractive. And sometimes I secretly chuckle at his skinny lil thighs and he does look a bit funny to me. But even then I feel stupidly attracted to him.

On the other hand, I understand how a change for the worse like that can be a turn-off. But I think what's unattractive isn't the weight itself, but the passive mindset he adopted - weight is just a symptom. Your boyfriend's lifestyle changed into something unattractive and something you don't have much in common with anymore, and I can understand why that bothers you. It's likely that he himself isn't happy about it and the weight might be just the most visible symptom of his stress. If he works long hours at his new job, he has to be stressed. I took on a new job last year and I work 12 hours a day at a computer. I'm feeling all sorts of symptoms too, burnout, fatigue, anxiety attacks and yes, my weight somewhat fluctuates as well.

So I wouldn't focus on the weight itself. I'd focus more on helping him get back in the healthier lifestyle he had before. Helping him relieve stress, find ways to relax, ways that don't include comfort eating but, say, stretching or some breathing techniques. Getting enough sleep and rest. Adding foods to his diet that provide him with enough vitamins and sustainable energy to keep him going during his long day. Adding short workouts to his daily routine that will boost his metabolism, help him feel more awake and relieve stress. If you help or inspire him to take back control over his life, the weight loss will follow and it will stay off.

[Jess!]

I think this post is shallow... I don't even understand the relevance of the topic, unless his health was in risk. Luckily we all come in different sizes and shapes and are atractive in our own way!
Fat is an adjective, but is neutral. shouldn't equal to unatractive.
Stop loving someone for his looks means there wasn't love at all. Just my opinion. My partner is atractive as hell to me and always be, no matter what changes.

[snow]

I guess my advice is to remain positive, be sensitive to the fact boys worry about their bodies too and be honest.

I'm going to second what Zephii said, because I think it's important for us ladies to realize that our beloved men do worry about their looks as much as we do. My boyfriend asks me all the time if he looks fat and gets all happy when I tell him that his belly isn't showing through the shirt he's wearing :P

Honesty is key, I think. Guys don't like it if you beat around the bush and he might get insulted by a minor comment rather than if you tell him you are concerned about his weight gain. Together you can work on a routine he could do - alone through biking an hour a day I lost 35 pounds in 3 months and through walking everyday for 2 weeks I lost 6 pounds.

[Dziubka]

I only skimmed through most of the post, so sorry if what I repeat what everyone has already said.
It's a difficult topic and I agree with the people who said that gaining 50 pounds in a short time is pretty concering. But it doesn't matter how concerned you (or random people on an internet message board, duh) are, if he's not concerned himself. How does he feel about his weight gain? Has he mentioned seeing it as a problem? Does he realize where it comes from and does he have an idea what he wants to do about it? Does it bother him at all?

I think it's weird that people write things like "beauty will fade" or "It's only skin deep.". Who said that it will fade? Are only young people attractive?! I know my boyfriend (and I, too) will look different in 10 or 40 years, but who's to say he'll stop being attractive? "Looks fade" is such a weird statement. They may or may not - just like personality. Some people start out as assholes and turn into decent people and some decent people turn into assholes. No way to predict that, really. And why is "being attractive" a worse or less valid requirement to have of your partner than something like I don't know "agree with my political views", "must like children" or anything else. Different people have different values and requirements

That said, it *is* important to me that my SO is attractive to me. Physical attractiveness is a part of that. Maybe not the most important and I tend to find people attractive when I like their personality/values/wit. Not everyone, obviously, but I've had people I initially didn't think of as very attractive/good looking turn really handsome after I've gotten to know them. Seeing as I don't think they quickly grew a new face and body, it was probably my perception that changed

I sort of agree with Jess, that it's good that we come in different sizes and shapes and that everyone is attractive (or beautiful) in their own way. But we're not obliged to be (sexually!) attracted to every size and shape. If something about my boyfriend's body changed in a way that I couldn't find attractive at all, I seriously don't know what I'd do. I might have fallen in love for him because of his looks, but I love him because of who he is and I can't imagine finding someone who will be a better match for me than him. But spending my life with someone that is as attractive to me as my brother?! That seems pretty impossible, too.

As it is, weight is something, you can do something about. If he sees it as a problem as well, then you can find ways to work on it together or at least support him as good as you can from a distance. If he doesn't think it's a problem, then there's nothing you can do about it. (Other than decide whether or not you still want to be in a relationship with him, that is).

[LadyDaemon]

I completely agree with Malaga on this,I don't think anyone should make looking a certain way a responsibility or a standard. I don't feel I need to look any particular way for anyone and honestly in my opinion neither should anyone else,I look like what I look like and you either take it or leave it. Is it important to have a certain amount of attractiveness in a relationship? sure. But guess what? Life happens. If you can't be with someone at their worst in any department then frankly,in my opinion,you don't deserve to be with them at their best either.

I also think there needs to be some understanding here. It's hard as Aniay said to understand weight issues until you've had them yourself. I've battled my weight since I became of child baring age due to a certain health condition I have. I seriously went from being 100 lbs and under,then as soon as I got to that point in my life and I went through some things,I couldn't maintain 175 lbs and under,then as I've gotten older I haven't been able to maintain under 200 lbs and it's been an uphill battle every since. I'm also one of those people unfortunately who ties their emotions to food and that doesn't help. So,with that said,I don't think we always need to assume that it's because the other party is lazy,doesn't care and what have you. I think we need to come at it from a compassionate position and ask first if it's not because of health or mental health and once/if those things have been ruled out we can then assume the latter. The appropriate thing in my opinion to do is ask why it's happening and then if they need/want help,then help them. If it's because they have some emotional/personal turmoil in their life that's causing it then be understanding. Try to help them through it to the best of your ability. If it's the latter then I would talk to them about it and if they choose not to change it and it bothers you that much,leave. Please excuse the messy rambling,I'm still half asleep writing this xD

[Malaga]

If something about my boyfriend's body changed in a way that I couldn't find attractive at all, I seriously don't know what I'd do. I might have fallen in love for him because of his looks, but I love him because of who he is and I can't imagine finding someone who will be a better match for me than him. But spending my life with someone that is as attractive to me as my brother?! That seems pretty impossible, too.

It's hard to predict these things because we simplify them when we imagine them. If you're not attracted to a certain look and you imagine a situation where your boyfriend starts looking like that, you assume you wouldn't feel attracted to him anymore. As straightforward as 1+1=2. But when emotions are involved, things often stop being so straightforward, and you often find charming or even attractive things you thought you never would (and maybe still don't when it comes to other people). Love is magic
I really think it's the attitude that makes or breaks it, and I mean both partners' attitude.

[Tooki]

It's hard to predict these things because we simplify them when we imagine them. If you're not attracted to a certain look and you imagine a situation where your boyfriend starts looking like that, you assume you wouldn't feel attracted to him anymore. As straightforward as 1+1=2. But when emotions are involved, things often stop being so straightforward, and you often find charming or even attractive things you thought you never would (and maybe still don't when it comes to other people). Love is magic
I really think it's the attitude that makes or breaks it, and I mean both partners' attitude.

How tangible is this though? It could very easily go the other way. This statement seems like blind optimism to me. As you said, it is definitely hard to predict how we may react to any changes in our partner.

With that said, I agree that it comes down to your own and your partners attitude.

[Jess!]

I just think majority of people here assume that being atractive is sort of a normative thing, like: being thin is the only way to be atractive. I think we need to realize that for ones atractive means one thing, and for others another different thing.

In this post it does not seem to me the person is dealing with weight issues, but with a rather superficial issue. I had troubles with weight, but luckily I had the chance to realize that I am beautiful in any size I've had. So when it comes to love, I do believe you find the person atractive when you like or love them. This work for me this way. I love my partner, and when we met I thought he was such an interesting and inteligent person, that I got atracted to him. By his looks but not only! what makes someone atractive? I would say that other factors play a very important role on what we think are only looks... For example, self-eestem and atitude...

[Dziubka]

I just think majority of people here assume that being atractive is sort of a normative thing, like: being thin is the only way to be atractive. I think we need to realize that for ones atractive means one thing, and for others another different thing.

I agree and we can't stress this too much. BUT obviously for the original poster overweight is not attractive and that's perfectly fine, too.

In this post it does not seem to me the person is dealing with weight issues, but with a rather superficial issue. I had troubles with weight, but luckily I had the chance to realize that I am beautiful in any size I've had. So when it comes to love, I do believe you find the person atractive when you like or love them. This work for me this way. I love my partner, and when we met I thought he was such an interesting and inteligent person, that I got atracted to him. By his looks but not only! what makes someone atractive? I would say that other factors play a very important role on what we think are only looks... For example, self-eestem and atitude...

I said that and also taking into consideration what Malaga said.
But I also somewhat agree with Tooki that it's a bit optimistic.
I don't know... if my boyfriend shaved his head, gained 100kg and started wearing wife beaters and sweatpants only (alternatively: picture any other extreme change of appearance for the worse) he could still be the same intelligent, smart, witty guy I fell in love with, but I couldn't promise I'd still love him or wouldn't leave him over it.

[Jess!]

I agree with it, sorta, but love is not about looks (to me, at least). If my boyfriend went bald (as someone suggested too) I am sure I would learn how to like it because I love him so much. I don't like bald in general, but if that will happen, sure I will love him the same way. Even if you think this is not so realistic, I think it is important to learn to love what we think are 'flaws'. Physical or not, because we all have them!

I don't know, would you stop loving someone if they had ugly feet? ahah, stupid example maybe, but I have a problem with feet and was the first thing in my mind :P