Good and bad news

[TooFarAway]

Sigh after heartache and crying we talked and he wanted to still be with me. (It's a long complicated story that I don't want to talk about) I want to thank the people in my breakup thread lol...I was crying so hard reading those xD. You guys are amazing and I truly appreciate your kindness and support and encouragement and advice. ;-;
Yay we're still together...thats the good news..


Bad news is my mom found out that we broke up. She's more relieved then ever and is being so nice to me. She doesn't know we are back together and...I don't know what to do... I've decided that I want to start this over right. I found that my mom became mad in the first place because she saw that I became dependent on him. I paid more attention to my relationship with him then with my mom. (I know it doesn't excuse her abusive behaviour...). She also thought that I was so focused on him that I would fail life. I would fail university.
So I'm deciding to change. Both me and my SO became dependent on each other so now we are trying to set our lives straight.
I thought that I could keep it a secret from my mom until I graduate university and get a hopefully good career. She's said to me that once I finish education and have a stable job(because that's really what she was concerned about) I'm free to do as I please. I am determined to work hard to show her I can do that. This time I will be focused on working hard for myself.
But as I talked to my SO...he raised the point that I am "lying and backstabbing."... And part of the reason why he wanted to break up is because he was guilty of how my mom and me's relationship was ruined so he fears that keeping this from her will make things even worse. But I don't feel that its lying or backstabbing...it's just waiting for the right time to tell her...
But I'm just so confused and frustrated because we want to be together but everything seems to be going wrong...he again seems so hopeless...while here I am willing to make it work...

[digitalfever]

Well..., in my family it's not the norm to discuss your relationships. In my SO's family the family will meet you once you are engaged.

So..., I'm a bit out of touch here
and believe if you keep your grades high and your eye on the
prize (good grades, graduation and a good career.) Then it's not backstabbing or lying.


It's simply discussing something that isn't your mothers business.

[Bluejay Belle]

I agree that your relationship doesn't have to be your mother's business. As an adult you are allowed to have some privacy.

I am very open with my own mother about my relationship, but she is one of my best friends, and bringing it up is just like if I were talking to a girlfriend about it.

[sarahjane1992]

I agree that your relationship doesn't have to be your mother's business. As an adult you are allowed to have some privacy.

I am very open with my own mother about my relationship, but she is one of my best friends, and bringing it up is just like if I were talking to a girlfriend about it.

I'm the same way with my mom. I'm very open and honest with her about everything, including my relationship. I like getting her opinion and advice. Although most times I don't agree haha. Our personalities are very similar.

[Isla]

Hmm, tricky tricky.

In my experience it's better to just be honest about situations-- I hid the fact that I was dating my ex from my parents for almost a year, and as a result they truly resented him when they finally got the chance to meet him. If I were you I wouldn't really want my mother only being nice to me, because she thought that I'd broken it off with my boyfriend.

It's really up to you though, do whatever feels right. As Digitalfever said, as long as you do well at university, the fact that you are with your SO should be irrelevant. I'm sure you'll figure it out

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I sort of agree with what other people have posted, you're an adult, you're entitled to your privacy. On the other hand, if you WANT to build a positive relationship with your mother, being open and honest - even if she doesn't like it - is likely to contribute to a good relationship more in the long run, even if she's more angry in the short term. I think the privacy thing here is different because she already knows about him, really.

The way I see it, if she's happy because you broke up and is being nice to you because of it, it's now based on a false statement. So when she finds out that you're still together (and honestly, I doubt that it'll all fall into place just after graduation, I think it's more likely you'll be forced to tell her so you can see him or she'll find out looking through your phone or computer) she'll feel betrayed that you were dishonest, more angry about him because she'll believe this terrible boyfriend is forcing you to be dishonest with her, and she won't trust you because you lied to her. I don't think, if she displays abusive behaviour, she's going to be able to rationally understand (before or after graduation) why you didn't tell her straight off.

The combination of those things would make me seriously consider whether not telling her at this point, although she's happily right now, would actually be more damaging to her opinion of you and your SO's relationship as well as your relationship with her. If you don't care, it doesn't matter. If it does, I think you should consider it.

[TooFarAway]

Thank you for you're inputs! I'm so thankful >_<
Yes I agree that my mom has no business in my relationships...
But I also agree that she will feel betrayed and it will be worse if she does find out.
I have a plan and I really need your opinion on it.
So my parents are divorced and I am obviously living with my mom. My dad is actually accepting of my relationship- that's why I sometimes run over there for holidays when there's no school. He knows everything I am going through and knows my mom is stubborn and very old fashioned. Sigh I think me being dependent on my SO just added frustration and isn't the base of her anger. She just can't accept online relationships either.
My dad's so understanding and is picking me up this Saturday for the whole summer. But I need to talk to him about this and I know he's going to be there for me.
I'm going to ask him if I can visit my SO this summer. You know I really want to see if this is worth it- to see if we have chemistry even in person and if we are both serious about this.
After this, I'm going to have to bite the bullet. I need to tell my mom and talk to her about it truthfully. She will be mad at me...but at least she knows and I can prove to her by working hard >_<
Please give tell me if this is ok to do... And if it doesn't work out...I won't be lying or backstabbing because we will really be over anyway...