Does a part of you think they are stupid?

[Louise_B]

This is something that has crossed my mind a lot and i thought i was do a thread and get everyone's opinions on the topic as i know we all have our own say.

Last year my eldest brother got married to his Fiance, When they were just BF and GF they got along like a house on fire, She was VERY supportive of when he was injured in Afghanistan she stood by him the whole time. Until they got engaged and she turned into the wicked which of the west, Stopped him from doing a tone of things, Belittled him in front of friends, Got into arguments and even a fight. And i thought to myself *no way will these two ever get married* But what do you know, they set a date which was late year and my brother spent over £23,000 on their wedding. Apart of me was like * Bro, you are so dumb why marry someone who makes your life hell * But obviously he loves her that's why he has married her ...

SOOO ... we all see each-other posts about us complaining about our SO's how much of a jerk they are being, Talking to us like crap, Blow hot and cold. And admittedly you know we all sit back and think 'Wow why is he/she putting up with that' But say a thread they will post next will be 'ENGAGED ' .. would you genuinely be happy for them or would you think they were dump for getting engaged to be married to a person who treats them the way they have told you or bitched to you about.

Just out of curiosity really.

[ThePiedPiper]

Depends on what they were arguing about. There are a lot of things people post about that have to do with core issues, and if the person in question is not going to work on that core issue, then the argument will crop up again and again. Sometimes it crops up in such a way that's harmful to the partner, either abusive or borderline abusive, and that's when I start to worry next I hear "oh, we're engaged!" or "we're each other's soulmates for sure, we worked it out. <3" simply because there are some situations for which I don't see it ever working out. That said, some people post about very solvable issues - communication problems, for example - and both partners are simply looking for a way to understand one another and they grow from it and the issue does not reoccur. I'm less likely to think they're stupid/"stupid" in that situation than in the former.

[Louise_B]

I Totally Agree. I know i have friends who live near me and the crap they argue about is insane and next breath they are engaged and i'm thinking holy moley .. i honestly don't know what to say. Its good to see what other people think about our LDR relationships and situations like this because i know how i feel with people who are close and do this,

[lyonsgirl]

I know I post crap about my SO on here all the time. I post it here because no one here knows us IRL. I post it here to get it off my chest, but in a place that I don't feel like I'll be completely attacked. I'll get honest opinions, but I won't be ripped to shreds.

We'll be married in October. Unless you live with them or are in the relationship, I guess I don't see how you can really judge them based on what you see. I dunno. If it was my best friend and she got engaged to a guy I wasn't sure about, I would be happy for her externally, but internally keep a close watch.

ETA: All that said, I know I'm guilty of thinking people are acting stupid. I don't think people are actually stupid, just that they make some pretty stupid choices some times.

[Chris516]

I never say and/or imply an individual is acting stupid. Because it comes down to the personal makeup of, both the individual that posts' here, and the individual makeup of their SO. Because to the rest of us here, our respective individual makeup will determine our perceptions, judgments, and assertions. How one person reacts to certain situations, may be entirely different from how someone else reacts to the same situation.

[aniay]

In my opinion (and experience) feelings and emotions can affect one person's decision to get engaged and then marry even if the other person is complete ass towards them. It's impossible to see what others see clearly.

In other situations, people don't know how relationship should look like and accept whatever they get.

Or they accept whatever they get because they are terrified of being alone.

In other cases it's a conscious decision to be with the other person no matter what for example from religious reasons.

It might look bloody stupid for outsiders but most of the times I find it sad or impressive because smetimes, in the end (after 30 years) suddenly it starts to work.

[committed]

I would doubt their marriage is going to work out but in all honesty, I would hope it does. I think very few people deserve to be miserable. But I think a LOT of people don't have a clue as to how to love their partner or even of their own value, so they accept what they've got.

[Dezface]

Depends on the issue. If it's a normal couple type fighting, I don't think twice. But when someone posts about how their SO is putting them down, cheating, ignoring them, etc.. Then yep, I think they're dumb.

I've made mistakes in relationships too and I see the signs. But no matter. People don't listen and I don't expect them to.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

My opinion is that people talk more about their relationships when something is going wrong. That doesn't mean that you're not happy together, or that you don't love each other, but when things are going really smoothly, you worry less, so you need to talk about it less. People's representations of their relationships on the forum are not necessarily accurate of the whole relationship.
1. Most of the time you're only getting one side of the story.
2. You hear the negatives in the relationship from a place where the poster is upset.
3. You really don't know necessarily what the relationship is like when things are positive.

It just means its really hard to judge whether or not someone is making good decisions.

[Louise_B]

Biddly .. I totally agree with you. Most of what we say or read on here is the negative side of their SO or relationship because the person is angry and upset. We rarely hear the good side etc. same as our friends in our town. We more than likely hear the bad but never the good. So when the big announcement is made .. You kind if are thrown if by it because all you hear is negative and then that person is getting engaged. You wonder if you missed something. But don't get me wrong like a previous poster said. If be happy externally but genuinely worried internally hoping everything would work out for that couple.

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with Biddly but Dez made my point better than I did, I think. We all fight. Even looking at my own posts from my relationship with my ex, I never really talked about anything that I later ended up breaking up with my ex for. But there have been some couples who fight almost constantly. Over the same issues. Or they bring up fights that stem from pretty deep issues, e.g. one partner forbades the other from having friends of the opposite sex, even if the other does not agree, and bullies the other into participating. Or there's talk of cheating (that happens more than once) or abuse. I think that in those cases, regardless of how "good" the relationship might be in other areas, then I stop being able to rationalise "oh, well I'm only seeing his/her side of things." I think about it like my posts about my ex. People saw only his grief and depression because his mother died less than a month after I joined LFAD. People conceived a notion of him based on who he was directly after his mother died. This was inaccurate, to a degree, and not why I ended up breaking up with him later on, but in that sense, I do believe that sometimes people can get the wrong idea. I simply also believe that sometimes you don't need to see the other side to know something bad is going on.

[Ahava]

Been there done that. Started dating, moved together, wanted a baby, got pregnant, got engaged, had a baby, got married. And even after starting to seriously think about separating went and had another child. It was stupid. But it was a lesson I needed to learn to become who and where I am now. And because of the lovely children that came out of it, I say it was worth it. Even though it was nearly 10 hellish years. Could have/should have ended sooner though :P
After all that I've been through, I can treasure the gem I have found

[Kiyama]

I simply also believe that sometimes you don't need to see the other side to know something bad is going on

I second this.
Of course we hear a lot about the negatives but not about the positives. Even though I think (most times) you can tell if there is something really wrong with the relationship.
I have seen quite a few people here (myself unfortunately included), who posted about certain issues that convey an unhealthy relationship and after a few months, they posted that they broke up, realising that the people here were right all along. I don't want to generalise things of course.