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**chizatlauren** · July 14, 2013, 10:25 PM

First of all, i'm really sorry for this. God knows how hard it is to be cheated on. My SO didn't REALLY cheat, but he thought of doing it before and I also got heartbroken. My dear, this is far worse. He really did it, and this is the worst fact:

He did it with someone he has feelings for, not just with a random hooker on the street.

He liked her for five years, and you are so far away from him. I think if he admits that he feels something for the girl he had sex with, I guess both of you should take some time off the relationship. He needs time to know what he really wants. And you need time too to heal. If you really want to forgive him even if he cheated on you, you shouldn't do it easily. Though I highly suggest you shouldn't go back to him because for me, cheating is a deal breaker.

Think about this long and hard my dear. I know you are feeling betrayed and you're still in love but you should think about your heart first. Sending you hugs dear. I'm just here if you need someone to talk to.

**Laurel11** · July 14, 2013, 10:28 PM

I know what you are saying, but honestly, we have been Broken up for a month, and I've thought about it ALOT and I would wait for him no matter how long, because I love him and he loves me......but I do agree that he needs to figure out what exactly these feelings are that has for this girl.

I should also probably mention that he is my first Love/boyfriend......and I guess First breakup.

**digitalfever** · July 14, 2013, 10:30 PM

Does he want to be with you? Or does he mean to say that he loves you and it's over.

**Laurel11** · July 14, 2013, 10:33 PM

I have no idea, I do know that currently we are broken up......and he is trying to figure out what his feelings for this girl are........but I really think he is just extremely confused....I KNOW he still cares for me because if he didnt we wouldnt still be talking and he wouldnt be looking out for me and helping me through this (or trying to)......

**Chris516** · July 14, 2013, 10:43 PM

Originally posted by Laurel11 View Post

soooo I have(had) the most AMAZING boyfriend we were together for almost 2 years then We met in person and everything was perfect.....I visited him for a little over a month, then he came here and visited me for some time. Then after he went back home something happened.
One weekend he decided to drink......a lot......and he hooked up with a girl. He felt terrible, and I'm completely heartbroken, but I love him soooo much and I know that what he did was a mistake... A few days later he told me he has had feelings for this girl for 5 years......but in the whole time he has known me(2and a half years) he hadn't heard from her......and apparently the night they hooked up she told him that she has feelings for him as well.

Then I asked if he still loves me, and he said yes.....

I'm soooo confused, I don't know what to do, I want him back.....I love him :'(

Laurel, Sort of indirectly, I know what you are going through.

I have been in an LDR with my SO, for six years. In 2011, following my visit, our communication got less n' less. I eventually found out why. My SO(who has OCD) feared I had STD, despite a full battery of STD testing in 2008 that all came back clean.(I agreed to it, because of my ex's 'storied' sexual past) She also said in 2011, that she wanted to go to a medical conference with me(that never happened). Then the weekend of the medical conference, a long-time online friend of mine in Canada went into a coma for three weeks, as a result of a toxic pregnancy. At the conference, I had an emotional breakdown because of thinking she might die. Back then, I reasoned my emotional breakdown to 'silent' feelings for my friend(we would tell each other everything), who I met online, four years before my SO.

Anyway, I told my SO about what happened because, I didn't want to hide it from her(honesty is the best policy....isn't it?). I didn't care if my online friend had feelings for me, or not. Even if she did, I couldn't do anything about them. After she came out of the coma, she was nice to me for awhile. Then she went back to being a self righteous, indignant grouch.

While my SO has OCD, she is much more emotionally stable than my online friend.

Like you, I don't want it to be over.

I asked her around the beginning of 2012, as the communication lessened, if she wanted to breakup, she said 'no'. Then when the thing with my online friend happened, her guilt was strong because she said that she wished I would have dated my online friend.

About a week-n-a-half ago, she said she wanted to come out here, when it wasn't so hot.

Then last week, on two consecutive days, we talked each day for 15mins. and she told me she loved me, without my asking.

These constant changes are making me depressed.

**GFI_1155** · July 14, 2013, 11:13 PM

I'm sorry about what happened Laurel, I know being betrayed is really terrible.

I think cheating is not a mistake it's a choice, I know it's hard to say that but its truth.

I dont know what advice I can give but you might wait until he figures out his feelings and if you think he really worth a second chance, you might give it to him. First you should think wisely. I agree with what chizatlauren said you shouldn't do it easily.

**Zapookie** · July 15, 2013, 01:00 AM

If it were me, I'd cut all contact and move on with my life. Your SO had feelings for this girl for 5 years and never told you?? And then he hooks up with her? I think he wanted it to happen. If he had feelings for her, but didn't want to cheat, he wouldn't have put himself in a situation where alcohol was involved. But he did. So I think you should let him have her if that's what he really wants. You deserve better than a man who would do that.

**Chris516** · July 15, 2013, 01:44 AM

Originally posted by Zapookie View Post

If it were me, I'd cut all contact and move on with my life. Your SO had feelings for this girl for 5 years and never told you?? And then he hooks up with her? I think he wanted it to happen. If he had feelings for her, but didn't want to cheat, he wouldn't have put himself in a situation where alcohol was involved. But he did. So I think you should let him have her if that's what he really wants. You deserve better than a man who would do that.

I think you are right. While I like that they got back together, I do think he really has other ideas'.

**loneliestgirl** · July 15, 2013, 06:23 AM

Would you be able to ever trust him going out or hanging out with anyone of his friends? If you got back to together and texted him and he didn't respond for a few hours, would you get nervous? Will ever new or old person (female) cause you to become anxious or concerned?

These are questions you need to ask yourself. Can you forgive? Can you truly get over this enough to not have it color a relationship with him in the future?

I suspect he is trying to "help" you because he feels shitty about himself and doesn't want to be the "bad guy." But if he truly felt it was a mistake and wanted to make things better, we would be making amends. A "I'm sorry" and "IDK what I want" is not that. It's pretty lame even if it's his honest feelings.

From the way you write, it sounds like he is dating this other girl right now or at least sleeping around with her. Is he? Is that how he is figuring it out? If he is, then I am sorry to say, he may be stringing you along just in case he new romance doesn't work out. He is still not being honest with you in my opinion.

**Black_Halloween** · July 15, 2013, 06:46 AM

Originally posted by Zapookie View Post

If it were me, I'd cut all contact and move on with my life. Your SO had feelings for this girl for 5 years and never told you?? And then he hooks up with her? I think he wanted it to happen. If he had feelings for her, but didn't want to cheat, he wouldn't have put himself in a situation where alcohol was involved. But he did. So I think you should let him have her if that's what he really wants. You deserve better than a man who would do that.

Exactly. Alcohol is never an excuse to cheat on somebody. Its always a choice.

**MattDavies86** · July 15, 2013, 06:50 AM

Sorry to hear this, it's never easy, been there and had it done to me (I've never cheated and never would) but it is a choice as GFI said, being drunk to me is an absolutely pathetic excuse and I for one will never accept it. Sorry

**Louise_B** · July 15, 2013, 07:03 AM

for your own sake, and heart ache. Walk away. You will only be hurtingy yourself more waiting around for a guy who doesnt know what he wants. Easier said than done when im not in the situation of course .. But like someone else has said. He had feelings for her for 5 years and never said a word. I would of walked away as aoon as i knew it happened.

Chin up

**Sanja** · July 15, 2013, 07:45 AM

In my previous relationship, my SO admitted he had cheated. What made it a deal breaker for me was the fact that he had no intention of making it a one time thing but rather wanted to continue doing it with the same girl (who was married by the way). I knew it was something I couldn't get over and certainly did not speak highly of him, so the relationship ended. In your case, alcohol is really not an excuse for him to cheat. What is to say he won't do it again?

**chizatlauren** · July 15, 2013, 07:44 PM

I just have one question: Can you still fully trust him if he tries to win you back? If yes, then maybe you can give him another chance. If no, it's time to walk away.

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