Closing the distance but I have a few concerns?

[Tommybat]

Hello everyone! I haven't posted here in a little while.


I am moving to California to be with my SO in three weeks from today. I am pretty excited!

When I told my brother about it, he wasn't so pleased with the decision though. :/ You see, for months I have been trying to get my SO to come and visit me and I even offered to pay for her ticket and arrangements and what not, but she hasn't wanted to. I know that she is who she says she is without a doubt. We exchange video messages back and forth pretty regularly through Pair, Skype, and we were introduced by a personal real life friend.
But I really just don't understand why she hasn't wanted to make any efforts to come and see me ? and not only that, my friends have been trying to hangout with her since we restarted our relationship over a year ago and she hasn't wanted to. My father even offered to have lunch with her and her parents to get better acquainted when he was in town and she wasn't interested in that either... I guess that just after hearing my brother bring all of that up and ask me if I was sure I wanted to go, its kind of eating away at me.

I'm really excited to be moving and all. I put in my two weeks at my jobs, I just got my BFA and I got accepted to uni in California to get my masters. I told all of my art clients that I was leaving, I quit my band, I found a place to live in LA, etc., I guess that it is just all of that stuff being brought to the light that is really making me nervous? My brother thinks she may be cheating on me... which really scares me because we dated once before and she did that... I managed to get pass that and give this another chance, and I haven't really thought about it... until he said something. :/

Does anyone have any advice on the situation? :/

[snow_girl]

So let me get this straight....you are moving to be with a girl you've never actually met in real life? Don't you think you ought to meet her and make sure things are legit and not 'pending' as it says in your side info? What happens when you drop your entire life for a girl you don't even know you'll blend with well in real life and end up being miserable because things have gone south and you have nothing left? I would rethink this decision if I were you.
At least meet, have her show you she is committed to you and visit meet people before you drop everything for her.

[Black_Halloween]

So let me get this straight....you are moving to be with a girl you've never actually met in real life?

This. Even though Dan and I were 100% sure we would work we still met each other before making any final decisions. Have you asked her why she won't visit you? You really need to think twice about moving for this girl.

[LadyDaemon]

I have to say that I agree with snow and BH. You have no idea how you both will do in the real world and you're already dropping your entire life for her? I think you have things a little backwards.

[Tommybat]

I've met her in person before, years ago haha. We were introduced by that mutual friend I mentioned.

The only thing that I don't understand though, is why she isn't making any effort to do more things in person...
when we dated a few years back, I went down to her town often, and then we broke up and got back together years later and now she makes no efforts to hangout in person, despite the many offers I've given her and my friends and my family. They're all dying to meet her, and she says she wants to... she just never does. :/

[Kiyama]

So you haven't visited either since you got back together?
How does she like the idea of you moving there?
It would be extremely strange if she was just saying it while she really doesn't like it.
I don't know why you broke up back then but could it be that she is scared that it'll happen again when you visit each other? Such as the pain when you say goodbye .

[Tommybat]

Every time I made plans to go visit her there, she was busy. :/
She seems really excited about it! We broke up before because she cheated on me, quite a bit haha. But I found it within myself to forgive her.
She told me that she was tired of the distance a few months ago, so I began looking into ways to move down there and be with her.

[snow_girl]

Are you willing to commit to something so huge if she isn't showing the same commitment? I don't understand why you add 'haha' after you say she cheated on you several times. It isn't funny. I think she needs to show you she is serious about the relationship before you move. It is easy to act enthusiastic but if she really wanted a visit it would happen

[LadyDaemon]

Are you willing to commit to something so huge if she isn't showing the same commitment? I don't understand why you add 'haha' after you say she cheated on you several times. It isn't funny. I think she needs to show you she is serious about the relationship before you move. It is easy to act enthusiastic but if she really wanted a visit it would happen

This. Besides,You met in person years ago. So many things could be different now. I'd still try to arrange that get together with her before you do anything this permanent for her. If she makes excuses or won't do it then I think that should tell you she's not as committed as you think/wish she was.

[Tommybat]

I meant it as more of awkward nervous laughter than haha funny laughter.
I don't know how to get her to do that though... every time I offer or ask about meeting up, it's I'd love to! but it never happens.
Which I have a hard time grasping because before she'd be really into hanging out. :/

[LadyDaemon]

Ok,usually I don't condone giving ultimatums unless I feel it's really warranted. But,I'm going to make an exception in this case and tell you that you need to tell her that she either gets serious and meets you before you do this for her or you're gonna have to take a break or something. Then you're going to have to decide if you want to keep tolerating it or if you're going to leave her behind. Because honestly there's no point in having a relationship unless both people are serious,committed and willing to do what it takes.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

Every time I made plans to go visit her there, she was busy. :/

I don't know how to get her to do that though... every time I offer or ask about meeting up, it's I'd love to! but it never happens.
Which I have a hard time grasping because before she'd be really into hanging out. :/

...and you haven't wondered why all of a sudden she's unwilling to do visits? If she would before, I don't see why she wouldn't now unless something's changed that she doesn't want you to know about.

Is she encouraging you to do this move?

[Moon]

Moving under these conditions is a really bad idea, sorry about that. Something is wrong here.

Unless she has some kind of diagnosed social anxiety disorder, where meeting your family and friends (or you, for that matter) is blindingly terrifying, there is absolutely no good reason for her behavior You have a forum full of women in an LDR here, ask us if we'd so casually blow off a visit with our guys Not only is her reaction plain weird, she's totally disregarding your feelings about it, which is a really bad start to a relationship.

Don't move. Not yet anyway. Figure out what her deal is first, and ask yourself if it makes sense, then let her know you can't move until you've at least had the chance to hang out a bit. Good luck.

[kattermole]

Honestly, I think it's nuts to consider moving your whole life to be with someone when she seems pretty ambivalent about bothering to see you in the first place. What happens if you arrive there and she doesn't want to see you? I took every single chance I had to see my SO when were LD, I would never have passed up an opportunity because our time together was so precious, and spending that time together has made our transition to close distance a lot smoother than it would have been otherwise.

[Black_Halloween]

I would like to add: If she isn't willing to make the effort why should you? Really, call your work and BEG for your job back.