Strongly Discouraged From Continuing LDR

[Freebird]

On another relationship forum I asked a question and mentioned my LDR with someone in Europe. A few of the answers were quick to mention how LDR rarely work and how nothing would come of it. They told me that they highly suggested I end it NOW before I get my heartbroken. They told me not to waste my time and find someone closer than I can be with face to face because "that's the only way a relationship can be serious".

I told my mother about my LDR and she didn't appear to take it seriously or give it much thought... actually she said something along the lines of "oh sure! That way I know no one can hurt you and he'll keep his distance!"

My mother is... well my silly mother and it's very normal for her to joke like that. It didn't bother me. But, with the advice from the other relationship forum, well, hopefully some of you can understand, that this hurt.

I've known my guy for five years and have talked consistently that entire time through text, phone, etc. Just recently it has become more serious than just a platonic relationship, but things look very positive. We are talking about traveling to visit soon.

I've not told him my worries, I don't want to. I really like him and want to keep this going strong. And now I have this poisonous thought in my head that I am building this relationship for nothing. That the distance of being separated by a gigantic ocean and being on two different continents will not allow this relationship to go any further and that it will crumble with hurt feelings.

Has anyone else here been discouraged from continuing a LDR? And better yet, has anyone been discouraged but made the relationship work anyway? I could use some stories from other people's experiences, and advice would be very nice as well...

Thank you.

[aniay]

I think you ill find that most of people here were told countless times that LDR doesn't work.

You will also find LDRs that worked through distance and are now happily living together.

It's not easy but Loved person is worth waiting for. Don't give up! It CAN work.

I might not be long in a LDR but if I listened to people who said to get over it because it's not going to work I wouldn't now be a girlfriend to most amazing guy in the universe. And It doesn't matter that we are 2000 miles apart, we are aiming to close the distance in 2015.

It depends only from you and your boyfriend if this works or not. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise.

[Chlo]

People will just say that LDR doesn't work because that's what they hear, which is really silly because I believe, amongst a lot of other people here, that it's down to the couple themselves.
All boils down to trust, and if you truely want to be with your SO. People tend to say that it doesn't work because of this and that, but if you look around the site, there are many success stories, and it makes me, personally, very hopeful.
Don't get me wrong, it'll be difficult, without a doubt, but all relationships are. If anything, I believe that the distance makes the bond stronger between the couple.

I don't think my parents, or my SO's parents will agree with what we are doing, and we'll have to cross this bridge when we get to it, but just don't lose hope. These things really do happen!

[PrincessJOE]

I know what you mean, I think people cant really 'get' how a LDR work (and IS real!) until it happens involve themselves.
If I got asked about what I think about LDR before meeting my SO, I'd have said the same probably, cos I was only used to the 'standard' relationships.
Now I'd probably say they ARE possible, even if they surely require a bigger effort, and trust.

There are obviously many aspects that can make it easier or more difficult: you can easily understand how its different if the people involved are 25yo or 15yo, if the distance is 50miles or 1000miles and so on, but IMO, if those people are really meant to be and willing to make it work despite the obstacles, then yeah its possible

You kinda have to 'expect' some little downs due to the fact your SO is far, like when your friends go with their partners to the cinema for example and you think 'I wish he/she was here!'. Saying 'Goodbye' after spending some time together and knowing you'll be apart again for weeks will be a very difficult moment. Knowing you cant just show up at his/her place randomly to make him/her a surprise every now and then will make you feel a bit sad sometimes.
BUT when you'll finally get to meet your SO again, you'll feel soooo excited and enjoy every single second of your time together, much more than the couples who can spend time together every day

So yeah, I think they are possible, as long as BOTH of the people involved want it to be
Good luck with everything!

[Chris516]

On another relationship forum I asked a question and mentioned my LDR with someone in Europe. A few of the answers were quick to mention how LDR rarely work and how nothing would come of it. They told me that they highly suggested I end it NOW before I get my heartbroken. They told me not to waste my time and find someone closer than I can be with face to face because "that's the only way a relationship can be serious".

I told my mother about my LDR and she didn't appear to take it seriously or give it much thought... actually she said something along the lines of "oh sure! That way I know no one can hurt you and he'll keep his distance!"

My mother is... well my silly mother and it's very normal for her to joke like that. It didn't bother me. But, with the advice from the other relationship forum, well, hopefully some of you can understand, that this hurt.

I've known my guy for five years and have talked consistently that entire time through text, phone, etc. Just recently it has become more serious than just a platonic relationship, but things look very positive. We are talking about traveling to visit soon.

I've not told him my worries, I don't want to. I really like him and want to keep this going strong. And now I have this poisonous thought in my head that I am building this relationship for nothing. That the distance of being separated by a gigantic ocean and being on two different continents will not allow this relationship to go any further and that it will crumble with hurt feelings.

Has anyone else here been discouraged from continuing a LDR? And better yet, has anyone been discouraged but made the relationship work anyway? I could use some stories from other people's experiences, and advice would be very nice as well...

Thank you.

Pardon me for saying so, but your mother and all the people online, that have tried to discourage you from being in an LDR, to quote a favorite phrase of Polly Holiday's Flo from the sitcom 'Alice'........."They can take a flying leap in a rolling doughnut, on a gravel driveway". They don't know what real love is. Loving someone does not have to be contained within a four square block area, a city, county, state, or even a country. If that was the 'absolute' case, as society tends to suggest, then the loving words of a couple's marriage vows which essentially include distance without it being mentioned, might as well be chucked outright. Because if society doesn't like an LDR when CDRs'(Close Distance Relationships) don't always work, what is to say that, society is giving up on any kind of relationship.

So, Go with the Flo!!

[princessmaria]

My mother was very unsupportive of my relationship and I've shocked them all by how serious we've become (I've now met and become a part of my SO's family and we're planning to close the distance sometime next year). My whole family was against us and it was an awful thing to go through day in and out. Constantly being told that you're being stupid and naive for loving someone over a thousand miles away from you is tough, but what made me stronger was that it was really impossible for me to deny the way that I felt. The feelings I had for my SO were undeniable, and I couldn't blame my family so much because it wasn't as if I could rip the feelings out of my chest and show it to them so that they knew they were real. I eventually learned to ignore them.

What's most important is that you know your feelings are real. There are times when we do have to sit down and weigh out if our emotions are irrational or viable, but in this case, you caring for another human being doesn't hurt anyone. It's not a "wrong" way to feel, it's an amazing beautiful thing regardless of the outcome. Being in an LDR does make situations more difficult, but you will find soon that the distance actually strengths a couples bond if you allow it, and you learn to appreciate your SO so much more because of it.

So yes, there is a risk of loving your SO but this risk comes along with loving anyone in life. Those you love have the potential to hurt you a lot easier than anyone else, but at the end of the day, you should never regret loving someone or taking risks because of love. Follow your heart, and good luck.

[kittyo9]

It always astounds me how many people are so quick to say, "LDRs rarely work out!" but they ignore the fact that most CDRs (close-distance relationships) don't work out, either. Many people cycle through something like 5-10 relationships before getting married. Imagine if every CDR ended in marriage (and no divorce)!

Your relationship should be dictated by you and you alone. No one else can make those decisions for you. If you are happy in your relationship and feel that you are heading in the right direction for you, you go for it.

[LadyDaemon]

Well,I'll tell you I've had people try to tell me the typical things like,"He could be cheating on you and you'd never know because he's over a thousand miles away.","LDRs don't work because you can't see each other every day.","LDRs aren't real relationships because you're not together all of the time." etc. etc. But I will tell you from personal experience that it can and does work. It takes a lot of work,a lot of trust and a lot of communication but it can work. I've been with my fiance for almost a year,we're engaged and now we're living together and even though we were in the same country we were also 1400 miles apart while LD. I hope maybe that can give you some inspiration. Good luck!

[lucybelle]

It always astounds me how many people are so quick to say, "LDRs rarely work out!" but they ignore the fact that most CDRs (close-distance relationships) don't work out, either. Many people cycle through something like 5-10 relationships before getting married. Imagine if every CDR ended in marriage (and no divorce)!

Your relationship should be dictated by you and you alone. No one else can make those decisions for you. If you are happy in your relationship and feel that you are heading in the right direction for you, you go for it.

This^^

Listen, this forum is full of people who are or were in LDRs who have made it work. I am one of the members who after being LD, closed the distance and got married. I'm not here to say that your relationship will work out, maybe it won't. But if you feel strongly enough that you want to give it a try, don't let the distance issue stand in your way. Best wishes

[garnet]

I heard it a lot too. Especially being international, with an 11 year age gap (I'm the girl, and older). We ended up married with a baby.

Anyway, I think sometimes people just like to hear themselves talk. No matter how little they know about any given subject. None of them have been in YOUR relationship. Guessing none have even done LD at all. So that gives them pretty much nothing to go on. So many people make it work. They make CRAZY ld relationships that could never work, work. Don't let anyone spoil it for you. If it's meant to be, it will be! Good luck!

[Kristin91]

People generally say that LDRs don't work because you don't get to see the person as frequently as you'd like, they're hard work, and of course you don't get the physical closeness of a CDR. However, this forum goes to show that with some effort an LDR can be just as (or maybe even more) rewarding than a CDR. If you explore the forum you will see so many veterans that have been in LDRs for years. Some of us have closed the distance and gotten married, some are planning to close the distance, and others are still fighting through the distance. However, wherever you may fall, I hope you find that LFAD is a really welcoming community.

Don't listen to others that say LDRs are hopeless... many people feel that people in LDRs get cheated on, but cheating happens in CDRs as well. And of course LDRs take a lot of work, but I found that the distance really forced me and my SO to get emotionally close before anything physical. It also forces us to talk and communicate about anything and everything. A lot of CDRs don't have that kind of connection because it isn't necessary for their relationship to thrive.

My advice is to talk about everything. My SO and I have a 100% honesty policy with each other, which really allows us to open up to each other. Don't be afraid to talk about the hard stuff too, I think you'll find that's where you'll really start to eliminate insecurities that come with the distance. Also, while it sucks to be away from your SO for long periods of time remember two things:
1. Each day your apart brings you one day closer together
2. It helps if you have a visit planned so you can countdown

If you ever need anything or have any questions feel free to PM me as well! Welcome to LFAD

[GFI_1155]

Don't listen to what they said. People tend to judge anything. I agree with everyone's comment in here. It depends on you two if you wanna make it works.
Have hope in your heart and be strong.

[Freebird]

Everyone,

Thank you, thank you, THANK you for your advice and input. I really appreciate it and it helped me realize this isn't automatically hopeless just because we are in a LDR. They may say that LDRs rarely work but so many "regular" relationships hardly work either! I will continue to make our relationship stronger and hope for the absolute best.

[LadyDaemon]

Everyone,

Thank you, thank you, THANK you for your advice and input. I really appreciate it and it helped me realize this isn't automatically hopeless just because we are in a LDR. They may say that LDRs rarely work but so many "regular" relationships hardly work either! I will continue to make our relationship stronger and hope for the absolute best.

Good luck!

[Secrecy]

You go girl.

Pretty much what I wanted to say has already been said. But I can say right now, that out of all of my relationships, my LDR has been the most rewarding. I know, two years of only seeing each other four times beats multiple times a week of seeing someone. But you know what? It's so much more than that.

Don't ever let anyone get you down just because it's an LDR.