Mom doesn't like him PLUS too much video gaming?

[jennadreamer]

First off... hi, I'm Jenna! My boyfriend and I have known each other for over a year (met through a video game) and have been flirting all summer and we actually just finally met this past weekend and agreed to be exclusive. So yay. I've been in an LDR before (actually used this site, too!) but this one is really different and much more comfortable, I think.

I'm 18. He's 35. So naturally that raises some suspicions. (For those of you that see the "over a year" and the "18" thing... no flirting occurred at all prior my past birthday.) My parents hated the idea at first and we already have a rocky relationship, so I ended up moving out for a week, which of course created the "you abandoned our family for a boy!" argument, when I actually "abandoned" them because I need freedom and space with issues totally distinct from this one. My parents are helicopter parents. They MUST know everything, all the time, forever. They even made me install a GPS thing on my phone. I feel like I'm constantly under surveillance and since I already have a severe anxiety disorder that makes me extremely paranoid and upsets/triggers me. When I wasn't living there I made plans to meet my boyfriend. When I came back, my dad hesitantly agreed to let me keep those plans if he talked to my boyfriend and thought he was okay. So basically my dad likes him (or at least tolerates him...) now. My mom likes him off and on; she likes him when she doesn't catch grief from her family and friends about it, and when that happens, she turns on me and fusses and talks about how this is causing tension, tearing the family apart, etc. I think all that's causing tension is her judgmental and overbearing attitude. My family blames me for a lot of things... my boyfriend says they're unhealthy for me, even. They say I throw myself at anyone who shows me the least bit of attention, blame me for arguments/debates, make me feel guilty for wanting to be independent, etc. I'm just a very independent person, so when my family throws these colossal "sacrifices" at me, I can't take it. They basically keep threatening to disown me. Why can't I have their emotional support? I don't understand, and it makes me feel bad when my mom constantly tells me I'm choosing my boyfriend over my family. I understand that when this relationship is over (hopefully it won't be, of course) my family will still be around. But what kind of family is this, really? I told my dad I was going to go up to New York during school (I'll be a college freshman) and he said I needed to ask permission every time I go. What? That doesn't make sense to me.... And also he said that it's ridiculous for me to expect to not have to answer to my parents for the rest of my life. I can't be a slave to their wants, views, moral opinions, etc. I respect and love them, but I need them to respect and love me. My mom is being pretty terrible too... she told me that she thinks this relationship will "limit my college experience" and even though we're exclusive I should "keep my eyes open for other, good opportunities." I feel like that was a really terrible thing to say. I guess my question is, how should I handle this? I adore my boyfriend and I don't think I've ever been this compatible with someone, but I love my family, even though they treat me terribly a lot of the time and aggravate my anxiety disorder (mostly by telling me I'm acting even when I have a clinical diagnosis with at least 3 professional opinions). I'm 18, I've been very successful in life (licensed as a life insurance agent, finishing an internship at a financial firm, gotten into college on a full tuition scholarship, etc) and I'm not trying to date a hoodlum or a drug dealer or anything. My dad says it's because he has too much invested in me to watch me throw my life away. How is dating my boyfriend "throwing my life away?" I just really have no idea how to deal with this. Sometimes they say I can either cut all ties with my boyfriend or move out, and I think that's incredibly unfair.

Second question is more minor. My boyfriend and I are both very hardcore gamers (we're the people you read about that play in dedicated "raids" 3 hours a night two or three times a week minimum). He says that's something he loves about me, because I understand this passion of his. At the same time, though, when we're having an important discussion or one of us is really upset (usually me because of my parents/brother) I don't think it's appropriate for him to say, "Hold on, babe, the guys are asking for me to go ahead and log in." I understand more than any girl he's dated that it's important to show up to these online events because people count on you, but still... I have emotional needs and our relationship itself has needs and while I want to game and I want him to game to his little heart's content... I don't know, I feel selfish, and I feel silly complaining about it since I knew full well he was a hard core gamer when we started exploring the possibility of a relationship. He does do a good job of picking up the phone the few times I've been terribly upset, but... again, maybe I'm just being a little demanding. How do you think I should approach this situation?

Thanks for reading, guys!

[aniay]

Hello

You sound like a very independend person indeed, but do you have your own money? Where did you move to? Couldn't you just move away?
Your parents sound very toxic indeed, yet all of that is because they care for you in their own mad way. Though they might not realize that their behaviour might be the reason for '' I throwing yourself at anyone who shows me the least bit of attention" did you ever figured out if there isn't even a bit of truth in that?

As for your boyfriend, at 35 a guy should know that real lfe is more important than online life. I know you understand how important raids and playing with team are but you are 18, a guuy who's 35, in my opinion, should show a bit more restraint and it worries me. Talk ith with him about it and see what he says. Hobbies are nice as long as they don't interfere with real life which is WAY MORE IMPORTANT. You won't be gamers for the rest of your lives.

The fact that your mum said about keeping eyes open for oportunities is not cruel, it's something every older person will tell you. You might think that at 18 you know the whole life and will never find any other guy but experience and time show otherwise. I'm not saying that this relationship won't work out it might but it might not.

In my opinion you just demand things any normal girl would, but I would look into yourself why are you with this guy And ask someone (Therapist?) to help with your family situation. It's very unhealthy and might cause problems in the future.

You are clever girl, you know what you want, now you have to know what you don't want. Just give it time, go to college and let the relationship evolve itself.

[Chlo]

Hello Jenna

This situation with your parents seems really tough, and I am really sorry they're acting this way. I personally think they're just worried about you and have gone into the 'over-protective' stage, since now you're also 18, they're worrying that their little girl is making bad decisions. Maybe you need to sit and have a conversation with them. You have to remember, in their eyes you'll always be their little girl, no matter how old you are.. (I have the same with my parents too). Tell them that you now have to start making your own decisions, and if they turn out to be bad then it's a life lesson you have to learn on your own. Tell them they should be supportive of your decisions because you feel like they're giving you an unlimatum, which is only pushing you further away, and family should be one of the closest and dearest to you.

As for the gaming situation, me and my SO are in a similar situation. We also raid 3 hours, 3 times a week Again, I think you have to try and talk to him about the situation. Tell him that you're upset straight off, and say you need him to listen, tell him it's important. He should always put you first if he knows you're upset, over any game or online companions.

I'm sorry if my advice seems obvious and a bit unhelpful, but I hope you can get some of these things straightened out *hug*

[temporaryuser]

You will never understand your parents point of view until you are put in their position with your own child. If you live under their roof, and you do not contribute to the household bills then they still have a right to give you a curfew and have a say in where you go. Don't like it? Move out and support yourself
Honestly, there is something wrong with a 35 yo that goes after a 17 yo (as that's what you were when you started talking). I don't care how mature you are. It is a huge age difference in terms of life experience
You are going to college on a full scholarship. You will not have time to game 3 hours every nite (unless you want to loose that scholarship). Right now you have a great opportunity ahead of you. Take advantage of it. Do well in school. During breaks you can game and hang out and if he is willing to wait the. You. An spend time with him then

[dizzyupthemeg]

At 18, I was completely independent from my parents. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, etc. Even with me not living in the house, my parents never would have approved of a relationship with a 35 year old. I don't know of any parents who would want their 18 year old in a relationship with that kind of age gap. Subeasley nailed it completely. If you don't like the rules, or the gps tracking, or the disapproval, you're going to have to move out and completely support yourself. Otherwise, you don't have much of a choice but to deal with it. I wouldn't hold your breath that your parents will ever approve, and I would imagine your mother will continue to encourage you to look elsewhere.

As far as the gaming, talk to him about it. There has to be compromise somewhere from both parties. Let him know how you feel and work on it together from there.

[ThePiedPiper]

At 18, I was completely independent from my parents. I lived on my own, paid my own bills, etc. Even with me not living in the house, my parents never would have approved of a relationship with a 35 year old. I don't know of any parents who would want their 18 year old in a relationship with that kind of age gap. Subeasley nailed it completely. If you don't like the rules, or the gps tracking, or the disapproval, you're going to have to move out and completely support yourself. Otherwise, you don't have much of a choice but to deal with it. I wouldn't hold your breath that your parents will ever approve, and I would imagine your mother will continue to encourage you to look elsewhere.

As far as the gaming, talk to him about it. There has to be compromise somewhere from both parties. Let him know how you feel and work on it together from there.

I agree with this.

No matter how successful you've been up until this point, you are in a completely different stage in your life than someone who is 35. You are in a position in your life where you are working through your own emotional struggles, and while your parents might come off as "cruel" for saying things like "keep your eyes open," being worried that you throw yourself at anyone who shows you attention, etc., sometimes parents point out the subtle truths we don't want to see and sometimes can't see until we're looking at it in hindsight. I'm not saying your mother is 100% right, but I am saying some of the things she's saying might be worth exploring with your therapist and in the context of a professional environment. Your relationship might also be worth exploring, because I'm sorry, but it is concerning to me when someone of that age goes after someone underage, even if you "didn't do anything" until it was legal. And I get it. He's different. You're special. You're mature. You're beyond your years. He recognises that. Hell, maybe you're mature and he's immature, but I can tell you that in 99% of these situations, the intentions are far beyond whatever he has told you. I have seen it happen more than once. And I get it, you'll believe the reassurances that he throws at you because everyone wants to believe that they're special and different, but please do not persecute your parents for seeing what the rest of the world does too. Don't get angry at them for looking out for your best interests because you'd be hard pressed to find a parent who didn't take up issue with it.

Secondly, and if only because you won't listen to anyone on how wrong the age gap is/has the potential to be, have you ever talked to him about your feelings? Or maybe the ground rule can be that neither of you talk on raid nights? I'm suspicious of the fact he'll interrupt you when you're upset to go game, and I'm suspicious of him telling you how much he likes the fact that you're the only girl he's met who can understand his "passion" for gaming. There's a fine line between passion and addiction and if passion is cutting into his relationships so much that the only one who gets it is the girl he cuts off when she's upset to go raid... Eh, there are bigger issues here than the age gap. You don't need to feel selfish for wanting a little bit of priority time with your partner. The one exception I would say is if you're ranting about this constantly. Since it sounds like the issues with your parents are ongoing, I can say that while it's great to have a romantic partner there for you, be careful not to make them your therapist. Going to them every time something happens if something is happening everyday can occasionally get exhausting, so I don't want to demonize him completely if many of your conversations are skewed toward the negative. If they're not, then yes, I think cutting you off to go game is a problem and needs to be addressed, so I would bring that up to him. If you can't get over feeling selfish about it, then just tell him you want to have the rule you stop talking before he goes to game on raid nights and explain why.

Thirdly, I'm not going to fall into the whole MOVE OUT AND GAIN INDEPENDENCE IF YOU WANT TO GET AWAY thing, because moving out is not exactly easy, but I assume you'll be living in the dorms for college? Maybe that will help. Even so, if gaining more independence is something you want to work towards, then I would start finding a way to do that. Your family environment in general sounds toxic and perhaps brainstorming with your therapist some ways to get out while simultaneously coping with it at home, so that it doesn't put your mental health at risk, might be an option for you.

Best of luck.

[Moon]

subeasely is exactly right.

Look, there's something wrong with a 35 year old man who hits on minors and spends so much of his day playing video games, you don't realize this because you're only 18, and several years away from being out in the real world. Gaming is fun, sure, but by 35 you shouldn't have hours a day to spend on it, unless it's just weekends. What does this guy do for a living? Does he have his own place? How is it that he has so much time for this?

Also, I have a 24 year old daughter, had she come to me at 18 with a 35 year old boyfriend, I'd have done everything possible to get rid of the guy, everything. No way in hell I'd even entertain giving him a chance, or getting to know him, instead I'd wonder what in the hell it was that my peer wanted with my daughter. Sorry, but from a parent's perspective, that is how I see it.

[ThePiedPiper]

subeasely is exactly right.

Look, there's something wrong with a 35 year old man who hits on minors and spends so much of his day playing video games, you don't realize this because you're only 18, and several years away from being out in the real world. Gaming is fun, sure, but by 35 you shouldn't have hours a day to spend on it, unless it's just weekends. What does this guy do for a living? Does he have his own place? How is it that he has so much time for this?

Also, I have a 24 year old daughter, had she come to me at 18 with a 35 year old boyfriend, I'd have done everything possible to get rid of the guy, everything. No way in hell I'd even entertain giving him a chance, or getting to know him, instead I'd wonder what in the hell it was that my peer wanted with my daughter. Sorry, but from a parent's perspective, that is how I see it.

^ This

[jennadreamer]

Aniay ~ My parents definitely do care for me, and I for them... I just wish they could find a better way to show it that involves a little less yelling in my face and insulting me from time to time. =] As for the "throwing myself" thing, I am definitely a very sensitive and emotional person, but I can and do turn down men/guys that I don't feel are suitable for me. My mom only says that about boys she doesn't like, which is basically every boy I like, since we have very different tastes in men. I know that this relationship could very well end (as could any relationship) but to me, it's not right to tell someone who is in an exclusive relationship to be on the lookout for other people to date. I don't think that it's fair for me as someone's girlfriend to hang out with other men, go out on dates, etc to see if I can find someone better. I don't think that's any way to be in a relationship. As for my therapist, my mom told me the other night when I had a nervous breakdown/extreme panic attack (it happens from time to time... hasn't happened in a few months thank goodness) that my doctor said she thinks I should be committed to an asylum if I keep having panic attacks because they don't seem to be getting better quick enough. Not to say that my mom's a liar, but I really don't think that's something my doctor would say, but even the idea of my doctor saying that makes me uneasy to talk to her, if that makes sense. Plus, my doctor has developed a friendly relationship with my mom that, while I'm glad for the openness between them, makes it difficult for me to talk to her about the way my parents treat me sometimes.

Chlo ~ My parents have always been in the overbearing stage! Haha. It's difficult for me to explain without coming off as one-sided, because I of course fuss at them sometimes and I can be mean, too, but they have always been a bit down my throat. I graduated top of my class but I've never been able to please them... would come home with a 97 on a final exam and the first thing I got was "where are the other 3 points?" While I know some of that was just joking, it still hurt. It also hurts when my dad says things like, "you know you're a selfish piece of s***, right?" and other things that slip out when he's angry at me or something, even though they say they love me and I think deep down they do. I want to be friends with my family, if that makes sense, but I think part of the reason my recovery from my anxiety disorder has hit a standstill is that they refuse to implement the changes my doctor recommends, and I just can't see how that's a healthy environment.

Subeasly ~ Actually, I feel like I really understand where they're coming from, but I think they treat me in ways I would never, ever treat my own child and say things to me that I would never, ever say to my child. Also, I see where you're coming from, but we had very little personal contact before I was 18, whatsoever. In fact, I took a several month break from the game during which I turned 18, and it was a while after that that he and I started communicating on a more personal level. He had a girlfriend when I first met him. Also, I intend on gaming while I'm at school. =] Will it be three hours a night? No, but it isn't even that now, and I know the line that I don't need to cross between grades and recreation. I understand they have a say in what I do, but I'm also a human being who has a right not to be treated like a dog, and a human being who additionally needs to be able to walk away from triggering situations briefly to "cool off" and who also needs to not be yelled at or mocked when I'm panicking, which isn't a "luxury" my parents can apparently give. That isn't healthy for me as their child or even as a person, and I can't help but feel like I'm going to resent what they've done to my view of self when I get older. I personally feel very smothered... the attitude my parents have has affected my friendships and my view of self, and while I appreciate that they want to protect me, I think they're actually working contrary to their goal.

Dizzy ~ My parents have always encouraged me not to have a job (a little bizarre, I know, they thought it wasn't necessary) and the little money I have saved up (mostly my inheritance from my grandfather), my mom takes away from me when I move out. As for the age gap, I know it's not ideal, but I also know that it doesn't inherently make the relationship wrong or morally improper.

ThePiedPiper ~ I do have a therapist actually who has taught me skills to avoid codependent relationships as that's a risk for people with anxiety. I'm not angry with my parents... I'm more frustrated at the way they're act, dealing in absolutes in ultimatums and being unwilling to have a proper conversation except when everyone's already angry, and I'm also upset at the way they treat me and the way they make me feel about myself, which from what I've learned in therapy doesn't really seem like the traits of a good support system and in my personal opinion is actually working against my progress in therapy. That's why I would love to get out of the house and be able to handle myself and make my own wise, healthy decisions, but my dad has basically told me I'm not really "allowed" to move out on good terms while I'm still in college, except in very special circumstances, so I don't see a way to live alone and thus continue my recovery process, but simultaneously keep my relationship with my family. And I respect your concern about his intentions, but we've already discussed how I won't have sex with him as it's really not something that's in my personal moral values, what I want from the relationship, etc. He even thinks it's a little odd for him to be dating an 18 year old, actually, but he is telling his family about it and I'm actually meeting his brother in a few weeks. I know that this is an odd situation and that it's unlikely that I'm the "one in a million," but he's a businessman with his life together, a businessman whose girlfriend's parents have his address, phone number, company name, personal info, etc, and I truly think he's not stupid enough to try anything wholly inappropriate, if not because he's not "that guy" but because it's dumb. If he was using me, this would be a very inconvenient using. As for the gaming, I see your point. I have a problem with self mutilation because I internalize a lot of the things my parents say and get very angry/upset with myself, and knowing that he'd told me to call him first, but I'm not sure he realized how extensive it was when he said that. I do hold him like 15 minutes over sometimes before raids, even after I'm fairly stable, so maybe I should try to avoid doing that.

Moon ~ I can see where you're coming from, but he doesn't spend most of his day playing video games... he has a very stable job (marketing analyst) and an MBA, and I know this because he's discussed his work with my dad who works in a similar industry and also because I knew him towards the middle of the MBA process so it would have to be an elaborate, months-and-months-long hoax, and personally I don't see why I would be worth the effort. I think that it's a tad judgmental to paint with such broad strokes and make the assumption that he just wants me for sex or worse. What does my father's "peer" want with me? Well, he wants a relationship: because we share similar interests, similar political views, similar religious views, similar goals in life, and a lot of other components that I feel make a good relationship. Is it unfortunate that there is an age gap? Of course it is, but it's nothing more than unfortunate, and if we decide that's something to work through, I think we, as consenting adults, have the prerogative to work through it. My dad felt very much the way you do at first but after speaking with, meeting, and shaking the hand of my boyfriend, he feels differently, because the situation is very different from how it initially seems.

Thanks everyone for responding. I really do appreciate it. <3

[Moon]

Moon ~ I can see where you're coming from, but he doesn't spend most of his day playing video games... he has a very stable job (marketing analyst) and an MBA, and I know this because he's discussed his work with my dad who works in a similar industry and also because I knew him towards the middle of the MBA process so it would have to be an elaborate, months-and-months-long hoax, and personally I don't see why I would be worth the effort. I think that it's a tad judgmental to paint with such broad strokes and make the assumption that he just wants me for sex or worse. What does my father's "peer" want with me? Well, he wants a relationship: because we share similar interests, similar political views, similar religious views, similar goals in life, and a lot of other components that I feel make a good relationship. Is it unfortunate that there is an age gap? Of course it is, but it's nothing more than unfortunate, and if we decide that's something to work through, I think we, as consenting adults, have the prerogative to work through it. My dad felt very much the way you do at first but after speaking with, meeting, and shaking the hand of my boyfriend, he feels differently, because the situation is very different from how it initially seems.

Keep in mind that I never claimed to not be judgmental, of course I'm judgmental, more than a tad, too. Also, I never said he wanted you "for sex, or worse", you said that I'm just questioning what someone around my age wants with someone your age, and it is a valid question. I also never asked for proof of what he does, or how you know he isn't lying, it never crossed my mind, but I do wonder why you felt like it did. Sometimes too much explaining says more than no explanation at all. I'll just say to be very careful, and protect your heart.

[Chlo]

Chlo ~ My parents have always been in the overbearing stage! Haha. It's difficult for me to explain without coming off as one-sided, because I of course fuss at them sometimes and I can be mean, too, but they have always been a bit down my throat. I graduated top of my class but I've never been able to please them... would come home with a 97 on a final exam and the first thing I got was "where are the other 3 points?" While I know some of that was just joking, it still hurt. It also hurts when my dad says things like, "you know you're a selfish piece of s***, right?" and other things that slip out when he's angry at me or something, even though they say they love me and I think deep down they do. I want to be friends with my family, if that makes sense, but I think part of the reason my recovery from my anxiety disorder has hit a standstill is that they refuse to implement the changes my doctor recommends, and I just can't see how that's a healthy environment.

I know this may seem kind of an odd thing, but if you're feeling that you cannot talk to your family properly, maybe you should ask them to go to some sort of counselling with you? Like family counselling. I know that's what I did when I felt I couldn't communicate properly with my parents. I understand it may be tough, but it might be a good way for you to see their point of view, and for them to see yours. I so hope that everything works out for you.

[temporaryuser]

I hope that some of the older men reply to this, to give a different perspective.
IMO, a 35 yo man going for an 18 yo is simply something for him to brag about. You see it as an unfortunate age gap, but those of us that are older, we see it as a bit creepy. At 18, you are young, physically, emotionally and mentally. You dont realize that, and you wont until you are older. Until you have had some life experience. I have a 19 yo step daughter. I watched her make incrediblly stupid decisions simply because "Im 18, you cant tell me what to do."

[Kiyama]

Moon, as always, has spoken wise words.
I just want to though in a few thoughts with regard to the age gap because until recently, I was in a similar position. I'm at the end of my twenties and the guy was in his early thirties.
You see, even in my relationship, and I have already finished uni and work full time, we were at different stages in our lives. There are so many little problems arising, children for example. Have you discussed these things? Does he want children? When does he want them? And what about you and your school?
I don't know about you and if you are still love struck with the love goggles on but the age difference was certainly and issue for me and in your case, it's a bit more dramatic even and there is nothing wrong with doing some rational thinking and discussing

[Malaga]

Consider this: at 18 you're already ahead of him in terms of emotional maturity. As much as you'd like to believe you're wiser than a typical 18 year old, you're just like any of us has been when we were 18 - at least when it comes to the relationship with your parents. And that's OK, it's exactly where you're supposed to be.

But because you get along with him well, doesn't mean you're on the level of a 35 year old. It means he's on the level of an 18 year old or less. And there's something wrong with that. You're already expecting to be taken more seriously than he's ready to give you. It's only going to get more pronounced with time. You could waste years off your life and most probably develop issues that will drag on in your next relationships. Just save yourself trouble and skip ahead of it all.

[Tooki]

My parents have a 16 year age gap and my mother met my dad around your age and my dad was around your SO's age. They have been happily married for 20+ years. It's very possible for your relationship to work out but both you and your SO need to meet in the middle and make everything work.

Also, don't be surprised if your relationship fails because the age-difference raised issues that you couldn't solve. Just be smart and don't put all of your apples into his basket. It sounds like you have your have life on track and set up as well. I would also not be surprised if you are wiser beyond your years (I was not nearly as established with my life at your age).