Mental illness in an LDR

[Chris516]

I doubt that. Even with OCD most people don't deny contact with others. Also, I understand keeping busy to keep ones mind off of their compulsive behavior, but nobody can stay SO busy 24/7 as she always seems to be, to not have really any communication with you. Are you sure there isn't something else like an incident maybe that has occurred since the time she stopped really communicating with you? I believe I saw a thread that I missed before about an incident where you didn't go see her for her birthday and instead was more concerned about an online friend. And I've seen this online friend mentioned quite a few times in your threads. Have things of this nature been a common occurrence throughout your relationship?

I myself, have wondered if there was an incident. But when I asked her, she said it wasn't because of me, it was because of her. I didn't go see her for her birthday last year, because she said her mother wasn't feeling well(neither one of us has a drivers' license). Yes, The situation regarding the online friend's health was prior to that. But communication started getting bad in Nov.'2011, long before the online friend I started communicating again, then she got sick. There is possibly something else. Several years ago, she looked my ex up on Facebook and wanted to buy some calligraphy from her. At first I resisted because I wanted no contact with my ex. I eventually relented and my SO bought the calligraphy from my ex. But recently, my SO wanted something else from my ex, but I put my foot down and told her she would have to get it herself, I didn't want to be involved. My SO may be holding that against me.

This entire relationship is bizarre. The OPer once was going to move to be with an online friend he'd never met which understandably caused problems, but if I'm remembering right, Chris, you've limited contact with this friend for the sake of your SO? But his SO has always dropped off the face of the earth (unless I'm mixing details) and always seems to have a different excuse for doing so that Chris very graciously forgives. I am just wondering why Chris keeps forgiving her changing stories because okay, sure, she does not want to break up, but even if you say that OCD or anything else isn't an excuse for her treating you the way she is, you continue to let her treat you this way. And it's a little hard to communicate with someone who only talks to you when they want to talk to you, so it's obviously not getting better. You're sitting in a stalemate, and I know it's not easy to get up and leave, but there also comes a point where you have to stop griping about something that's been happening in your relationship for... what, several months now? Sometimes things happen and we can't change them. We try, we learn we can't, and then all we have left to decide, Chris, is whether or not we can deal with it for the rest of our lives, because sometimes, believe it or not, our SOs don't want to change no matter how much we love them or changed for them to try and make it work.

I wasn't going to move to be with that online friend you are referring to. It would have to been too complicated, to even contemplate doing that. I have limited contact with the 'online friend'. Because some things have happened that really ticked me off. I am very forgiving for two reasons. 1)I love my SO; 2)While I have put my foot down about things she has asked of me, seeing that we are not in the same state and city, I don't feel I have the right to make demands of her. OCD notwithstanding. I may be 'too' forgiving because, mood swings and commitment/follow through are two big issues that commonly, someone with OCD has. Where they will say they will do something, then drastically change their mind. The mood swings can be worse than that of a pregnant woman. Another common OCD behavior is, pushing loved ones' away. Several times, she has hoped I would cheat on her to the point of breaking up with her. I have repeatedly reminded her, that she knows me better, and has cared about me more than any other woman has even though she has OCD, and it is an LDR. If anything, my 'achilles heel', is my health issues being accepted, which she has done without question. As for stopping griping about something, I have tried to tone that down, by remembering those couples where one is in the military and on deployment for 9-18mths. So that I shouldn't be so down about the 'lack of communication'.

[loneliestgirl]

I have read your past posts regarding your relationship, but it seems like you are trying to pin everything wrong in the relationship on your SO. Sure, she contributes but you have your own contributions as well....and being too forgiving to a fault isn't really a admitting your ownership in the situation.

I agree with PP. Something is bizarre and doesn't add up. Details keep changing. It feels almost like you are trying to convince us of how messed up your SO is and how well balanced and "right" you are.

[LadyDaemon]

I myself, have wondered if there was an incident. But when I asked her, she said it wasn't because of me, it was because of her. I didn't go see her for her birthday last year, because she said her mother wasn't feeling well(neither one of us has a drivers' license). Yes, The situation regarding the online friend's health was prior to that. But communication started getting bad in Nov.'2011, long before the online friend I started communicating again, then she got sick. There is possibly something else. Several years ago, she looked my ex up on Facebook and wanted to buy some calligraphy from her. At first I resisted because I wanted no contact with my ex. I eventually relented and my SO bought the calligraphy from my ex. But recently, my SO wanted something else from my ex, but I put my foot down and told her she would have to get it herself, I didn't want to be involved. My SO may be holding that against me.

Well here's the thing,mental ailments aside and everything. I understand holding on to a person because that person is one of very few or the only one who is willing to accept your health or other issues. I have a health condition myself that causes embarrassing issues for me. The fact that my SO accepts that and realizes it's not something I have control over is one of the reasons I love my SO so much.

But,putting that aside for a minute there seems to be quite a few issues in your relationship I've noticed. Basically you're in a very one sided relationship. You're making all the effort while she makes hardly any. You've made excuses for her in order to convince yourself to stay with her because you obviously can't handle the idea of being without her. But if you break this all down and really look at the nitty gritty of the whole thing,is it really healthy and is it really fair to you? Because from this side of the fence it doesn't seem like it. What are you going to do for the rest of your lives with your relationship going on this way? Are you going to show up for your wedding day and have her on the phone or Skype while you get married because she's made every excuse in the book not to travel? Are you going to spend the rest of your lives in two separate places afterwards because again she can barely travel,then deal with it every time she doesn't want to pick up a phone when you need to speak with her? What are you going to do when she won't even spend special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays with you because she has an excuse every time as to why she can't or won't? That's a very lonely life and you may not believe it will happen now,but after a while of doing that,you're going to be miserable and you're going to wind up resenting her because she's not giving you what you need. Then you're going to wind up being a divorcee`for a second time.

Also,I think what Piper meant was (correct me if I'm wrong Piper) you've had complaints about the same issue for several months,you've stayed and tried to fix it over and over again. There comes a point at which enough is enough and instead of complaining about it you either have to suck it up and deal with it or you decide you've tried to the best of your ability and there's nothing more you can do and walk away. Sometimes,love just isn't enough and you have to realize that no matter how much you may love her and want the best for her some people and things just don't/won't change.

[Chris516]

Well here's the thing, mental ailments aside and everything. I understand holding on to a person because that person is one of very few or the only one who is willing to accept your health or other issues. I have a health condition myself that causes embarrassing issues for me. The fact that my SO accepts that and realizes it's not something I have control over is one of the reasons I love my SO so much.

I equally understand, when a person should let go. My SO accepts that apart from the needed brain surgeries I had when I was a kid, and my being on anticonvulsant medication, I can't control what could happen.

But, putting that aside for a minute there seems to be quite a few issues in your relationship I've noticed. Basically you're in a very one sided relationship. You're making all the effort while she makes hardly any. You've made excuses for her in order to convince yourself to stay with her because you obviously can't handle the idea of being without her. But if you break this all down and really look at the nitty gritty of the whole thing, is it really healthy and is it really fair to you? Because from this side of the fence it doesn't seem like it. What are you going to do for the rest of your lives with your relationship going on this way? Are you going to show up for your wedding day and have her on the phone or Skype while you get married because she's made every excuse in the book not to travel? Are you going to spend the rest of your lives in two separate places afterwards because again she can barely travel, then deal with it every time she doesn't want to pick up a phone when you need to speak with her? What are you going to do when she won't even spend special occasions like anniversaries and birthdays with you because she has an excuse every time as to why she can't or won't? That's a very lonely life and you may not believe it will happen now, but after a while of doing that, you're going to be miserable and you're going to wind up resenting her because she's not giving you what you need. Then you're going to wind up being a divorcee`for a second time.

It does seem one-sided, but that has sort of flip-flopped. In the first few years, she bought me pizza countless times, without my even asking her to. The same with all the movie DVD's she bought me. I wanted to do the same for her, but she wouldn't let me(probably because she is a hoarder). Also, In the first few years, she made a lot more financial effort than I could. She bought $180 biking sunglasses w/ UVA/UVB protection because she worried about my eyes in the sun, when I am out biking. All that was she was obsessing on me.

Excuses/Patience, I know that is semantics. As for not being able to be without her. I don't disagree with you there. Probably because, she has never been emotionally 'brutal' towards me. My (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance were.

On fairness, it is not fair. But at the same time, my ex's blatantly lied to me I actually lived with them. My SO has never lied to me. I have pressed my SO about certain things and am holding her accountable.

Any thoughts of a wedding is way off in the far distant future.

In terms of her giving me what I need, she did say to me once, that she couldn't give me what I want. When I asked her, what she thought I wanted, she didn't answer the question.

Also, I think what Piper meant was (correct me if I'm wrong Piper) you've had complaints about the same issue for several months, you've stayed and tried to fix it over and over again. There comes a point at which enough is enough and instead of complaining about it you either have to suck it up and deal with it or you decide you've tried to the best of your ability and there's nothing more you can do and walk away. Sometimes, love just isn't enough and you have to realize that no matter how much you may love her and want the best for her some people and things just don't/won't change.

True, true. No disagreement there. That is why I got divorced, and why I broke it off with another woman, before I met my SO.

[LadyDaemon]

It does seem one-sided, but that has sort of flip-flopped. In the first few years, she bought me pizza countless times, without my even asking her to. The same with all the movie DVD's she bought me. I wanted to do the same for her, but she wouldn't let me(probably because she is a hoarder). Also, In the first few years, she made a lot more financial effort than I could. She bought $180 biking sunglasses w/ UVA/UVB protection because she worried about my eyes in the sun, when I am out biking. All that was she was obsessing on me.

It may have been that way in the first few years,but since she has really limited contact with you over the last few months that seems to have changed. It now genuinely looks like it's one sided for sure now. And just because it wasn't like this before a few months ago doesn't mean you need or should overlook what is happening currently. Also,I see that she's spent a substantial amount of money on you,but that shouldn't be holding you back from taking any sort of action if what she is doing is making you unhappy. She chose to buy those things for you and I'm not saying to completely disregard the fact,but I am saying don't let a choice SHE made to spend money on you be your "rose colored glasses".

Excuses/Patience, I know that is semantics. As for not being able to be without her. I don't disagree with you there. Probably because, she has never been emotionally 'brutal' towards me. My (ex)wife n' (ex)fiance were.

It's not really semantics. It's exactly what it is. There's a difference between patience and making excuses for someone. You've waited and waited for things to change and they haven't,that's patience. Letting it go on and on for months,then when someone points it out to you and you say,"Well I think she's just acting this way because of a hoarding or her OCD" is making excuses for her. You're justifying to yourself and everyone else her behavior by doing that. Her hoarding is in check be it by one parent or both,it is still nonetheless in check and like I said before,even with OCD most people don't deny contact and it is unhealthy if they begin to do so.

On fairness, it is not fair. But at the same time, my ex's blatantly lied to me I actually lived with them. My SO has never lied to me. I have pressed my SO about certain things and am holding her accountable.

Ok,as far as what your exes did in the past,it's exactly that. In the past. You need to leave it there and stop comparing what she's done with what they did. Just because she bought you things and hasn't lied to you etc. doesn't mean she's suddenly incapable of being wrong in the way she's treating you. You have to learn to separate the two. There's your exes and then there's her. She's not suddenly a saint or above repercussion for her actions or lack there of because she hasn't done one thing that they did.

Any thoughts of a wedding is way off in the far distant future.

It may be way off in the future,but you're still engaged and you're still trying to build a future with this woman. So everything I mentioned is something you have to think about. You can't just turn away from it out of fear and refuse to look at it. What I mentioned is the bigger picture that you need to have a good long look at or like I said,you're going to wind up miserable in the future with her. Those are all important questions you have to ask yourself. When building a future with someone you can't just think about what you want and how you feel about the relationship right now,you also have to think about it from a futuristic perspective as well. You need to ask yourself if things continue as they are do you really see them in your future? It's hard,but it needs to be done. Period.

In terms of her giving me what I need, she did say to me once, that she couldn't give me what I want. When I asked her, what she thought I wanted, she didn't answer the question.

Sounds to me like she doesn't know what you want. Maybe you need to tell her? Maybe that's part of the problem because of a past action or something.

[Chris516]

It may have been that way in the first few years, but since she has really limited contact with you over the last few months that seems to have changed. It now genuinely looks like it's one sided for sure now. And just because it wasn't like this before a few months ago doesn't mean you need or should overlook what is happening currently. Also, I see that she's spent a substantial amount of money on you, but that shouldn't be holding you back from taking any sort of action if what she is doing is making you unhappy. She chose to buy those things for you and I'm not saying to completely disregard the fact, but I am saying don't let a choice SHE made to spend money on you be your "rose colored glasses".

I am not trying to 'overlook', what is happening. Yes, I know she was obsessing when she bought me all the food, and all the movies. The amount of money she spent on me, certainly hasn't tainted my thinking.

It's not really semantics. It's exactly what it is. There's a difference between patience and making excuses for someone. You've waited and waited for things to change and they haven't, that's patience. Letting it go on and on for months, then when someone points it out to you and you say, "Well I think she's just acting this way because of a hoarding or her OCD" is making excuses for her. You're justifying to yourself and everyone else her behavior by doing that. Her hoarding is in check be it by one parent or both, it is still nonetheless in check and like I said before, even with OCD most people don't deny contact and it is unhealthy if they begin to do so.

Yes

Ok, as far as what your exes did in the past, it's exactly that. In the past. You need to leave it there and stop comparing what she's done with what they did. Just because she bought you things and hasn't lied to you etc. doesn't mean she's suddenly incapable of being wrong in the way she's treating you. You have to learn to separate the two. There's your exes and then there's her. She's not suddenly a saint or above repercussion for her actions or lack there of because she hasn't done one thing that they did.

Ok, Comparisons...I didn't bring up comparisons first, in terms of her and me. She was actually surfing the Net for anything I said online, and came across positive things I said about my ex in a forum, when my ex n' I were together. She saw that and got very jealous that I didn't do that with her. I told her, the moderator of the forum chewed me out for being 'overly positive' about the relationship, since everyone else their, was in the midst of a divorce. She told me she wanted me to do the same thing in other health forums I belonged to. I knew I couldn't do this without asking for trouble. Also, Prior to seeing that, she had always asked me not to post her real name online. So this in a sense, was a complete flip-flop from what she had told me originally. Because she was very adamant about her privacy. She didn't want her name, address, or phone number mentioned anywhere. Which in the sense of personal security is good. Yet, She wanted me 'screaming from the rooftops' about her. The only reason I made the 'positive' comparison, repeatedly reminding her of the wonderful things about her, was because she was jealous of what I did with my ex.

It may be way off in the future, but you're still engaged and you're still trying to build a future with this woman. So everything I mentioned is something you have to think about. You can't just turn away from it out of fear and refuse to look at it. What I mentioned is the bigger picture that you need to have a good long look at or like I said, you're going to wind up miserable in the future with her. Those are all important questions you have to ask yourself. When building a future with someone you can't just think about what you want and how you feel about the relationship right now, you also have to think about it from a futuristic perspective as well. You need to ask yourself if things continue as they are do you really see them in your future? It's hard, but it needs to be done. Period.

Yes.

Sounds to me like she doesn't know what you want. Maybe you need to tell her? Maybe that's part of the problem because of a past action or something.

I have approached that by first wanting to know, what 'she thinks' I want. I can't clarify anything when she doesn't communicate.

[LadyDaemon]

I am not trying to 'overlook', what is happening. Yes, I know she was obsessing when she bought me all the food, and all the movies. The amount of money she spent on me, certainly hasn't tainted my thinking.

Yes

Ok, Comparisons...I didn't bring up comparisons first, in terms of her and me. She was actually surfing the Net for anything I said online, and came across positive things I said about my ex in a forum, when my ex n' I were together. She saw that and got very jealous that I didn't do that with her. I told her, the moderator of the forum chewed me out for being 'overly positive' about the relationship, since everyone else their, was in the midst of a divorce. She told me she wanted me to do the same thing in other health forums I belonged to. I knew I couldn't do this without asking for trouble. Also, Prior to seeing that, she had always asked me not to post her real name online. So this in a sense, was a complete flip-flop from what she had told me originally. Because she was very adamant about her privacy. She didn't want her name, address, or phone number mentioned anywhere. Which in the sense of personal security is good. Yet, She wanted me 'screaming from the rooftops' about her. The only reason I made the 'positive' comparison, repeatedly reminding her of the wonderful things about her, was because she was jealous of what I did with my ex.

Yes.

I have approached that by first wanting to know, what 'she thinks' I want. I can't clarify anything when she doesn't communicate.

So,here's the thing I've noticed. Every point that is brought to your attention you have some kind of defense or excuse for. Forget for a minute what your SO might find if she finds your posts online here. Being in a relationship isn't about kissing ass. When things like this are going on you need to be brutally honest and stand your ground. If it's the truth then say it,don't go all off saying nice things about her while at the same time complaining about her because you want to spare her feelings in case she finds what you said. You need to tell it for what it is,even if it is less then pretty.

As for the money she spent not tainting your thinking,I think it has. It's obvious to me from the fact that you brought it up to begin with that you kinda feel like you owe her something because she did those things regardless of the reasons why. I think it's the fact that you probably feel that way that is keeping you from realizing the reality of things and what you actually need to do,because it's obvious she's not going to change. Because if it was,you wouldn't still be on the forum posting so many threads about it and it wouldn't be going on for as long as it has.

So the way I see it is you have 3 options. You can stay and try to talk to her and get her to communicate with you via email,IM etc. and try to get her to work it out with you,suck it up and deal with it as it is OR you can decide that you've done all that you can do and you refuse to be placed on the back burner anymore and remain pretty much ignored and walk away. Up to you.