Just starting a LDR need tips, advice, ect (LONG STORY)

[freeskierpj]

So I figure I'll start at the beginning. This is gonna be long so sparknotes will be at the end of each paragraph.

Her name is Delanie and she's 17 and I'm 19. We met in December of 2008. I was on the diving team in my home town and she joined the swim team in her home town which is one town over. Well our teams decided to merge because her team just started that year and only had a handful of people on it. So around the end of December we merged and she started swimming. After a week or so she ended up joining the diving team because she didn't like swimming and she thought diving looked like fun. At first I wasn't even paying attention to her simply because I wasn't lookng for a girlfriend during highschool or even any hookups. So a few days in she ends up texting me (my number was on facebook) and we get to talking and talk for hours. I end up really enjoying talking to her but at practice the next day I was shy like always and didn't talk to her much but after practice she asks if I wanna go see a movie or something and I ended up saying yes.

Sparknotes: I met Delanie through diving and she asked me out and I said yes.

I drove to the movies and her mom drove her because her mom's a bit overprotective so I met her mom there which was a little awkward but she liked how polite I was and said that Delanie could drive home with me. We went to see Valkyrie haha which wasn't my choice but was a good movie nonetheless. I was really shy but once we sat down in the theatre we started talking and it was just natural but once the movie started I didn't hold her hand or put my arm around her or anything. This started our relationship off really well but it wasn't when we considered ourselves to be dating. I had her over at night on January 1 and cooked dinner and we watched 8 Crazy Nights and that's when I asked her out and I had my first kiss.

Sparknotes: Date at the movie went well and I asked her out at night on new years day and I had my first kiss.

Fast forward to February 8th we said I love you and ended up having sex for the first time (both of us were virgins) but we had a scare because we used a condom that was expired that her mom had given her. So we went and got plan b and nothing came of that but it was a scare. After that we just spent the next few months diving together and I would bring her to and from practice then hang out at her house for a bit every day and it was practically perfect and I really loved her.

Sparknotes: Dropped the L bomb, both lost our virginity, and our relationship really started to take off.

I guess now is the best time to mention that I was into drugs and she was not. I had smoked weed, tripped on acid and mushrooms and ecstacy, tried coke, ect. I didn't consider myself to be an addict but I did always keep that life seperate from Delanie even though she knew about it I was never high around her. It did effect our relationship in June though, I was sent away to a theraputic wilderness program for my drug use and nobody but my parents knew it was going to happen so Delanie was worried something happened to me and none of my friends knew where I was and my parents just said he's hiking in the adirondaks. That was true but I hated my parents for sending me there and it was the day before we had been together for 5 months which isn't that important but it was at the time. We stayed together and I got to send her weekly letters and got them back. About a month in to my program she kissed another guy cause she was mad at me for getting myself into this situation and she didn't tell me about it until I got back but that was understandable because it would have hurt a lot more there when I couldn't talk to her about it. I was a little hurt by that cause she did cheat on me but she was completely honest and I trusted her not to do it again and she didn't.

Sparknotes: I use drugs she doesn't, I got sent to a program in the woods for 2 months and a month in she cheated on my by kissing another guy but she was very open and honest about it so I trusted her to not do it again and she didn't.

After I got back we spent the first month (August) together practically all the time. I hadn't used in 3 months and was extremely happy but then I got a job at a gas station and I smoked weed again which brought all the other drugs back into play. This is when our relationship went downhill. I became a full blown addict, not using every day but whenever I could without it getting in the way of seeing her or going to work. She kept telling me to stop or she would break up with me but she gave me chance after chance and stayed with me. This took up practically all of the time between September 2009 and May 2010. Her mom stopped letting me stay over, restricted our time together which just gave me the time to use more, and things just started to fall apart. Somehow she stuck with me through all of the shit I put her through and still loved me. I had an apartment from March to May and that's where everything just ended. Delanie told me she needed to take a break from me and I needed to get my shit together which was true and I wanted to but I couldn't at that point

Sparknotes: Spent a lot of time with her the month I got back but then got a job at a gas station and fell right back into using drugs and became a full blown addict. I got worse and worse and her mom restricted our time together and that just made it easier for me to use. Had my own place from March to May and that's when Delanie told me she needed to take a break and for me to get my shit together. I wanted to but I couldn't by that point.

I went to detox May 10th 2010 and that was 8 days. We decided to take a break until I got back which got postponed for a month till June 18th because I went on to rehab. During rehab she went to prom with another guy cause she had the dress and the tickets all set and she ended up hooking up with him but it didn't go past making out cause he was drunk and she didn't really like that. I ended up getting postponed from coming home again and this time it's until June 18th 2011 so now here's the predicament. Both of us love eachother still, we've been talking a lot still since I left in May and we still act like a couple on the phone so it just doesn't feel like we broke up and we both know it. We started talking about a LDR a couple weeks ago and we think it's worth trying. I'm in Connecticut and she's in Massachusetts so it's about 2 hours away by car but neither of us have a car. I will be able to leave and take a day trip up to see her about once every 2 months and we can spend like 9 hours together so that's good, she's fed up with looking for another boyfriend cause she doesn't like how most teenage guys are just trying to get with her and she hasn't let that happen so she wants to be back with me, and it looks like we're going to try so I'm looking for advice, tips, stories about LDR's. Thanks and if you read through this whole thing not the sparknotes then congradulations.

Sparknotes: Went to detox on May 10th 2010 which was supposed to be short but it kept getting prolonged by detox/halfway house. Now I'm in Connecticut till June 18th 2011 and she's in Massachusetts. We want to try a LDR because we both still love eachother and have still been acting like a couple just not being labeled as one so I'm looking for advice, tips, stories about LDR's, ect. Thanks.

[loveonspeedial]

wWow. Well, I was an addict at one point in my life and I think about drugs everyday. I'm in a relationship with a woman whose anti drugs,smoking etc. I really loved her right from the start and she said if I couldn't stay off the drugs, I had no chance of being with her. Make a long story short, I stopped doing drugs for love, no rehab. no anything. I odn't have family or anything so it was just me fighting the struggle by my self for her. She broke up with me, took a break, I relapsed SO hard so fast like on the same day. I was doing stuff during that break that I didn't even touch before the relationship.

[loveonspeedial]

I tried to kill myself; oding. I hung out w/ a bunch of boys that would just dealers and got myself into some really stupid situtions. One day my best friend is like You have to be sober today and I was like wtf and she was like trust me, be sober. So I was like okay. My ex gf came to suprise me and talk about us, we had been talking but not hanging out. Theat night, I knew that I kept doing this to myself offically together or not that I would never get to be w/ her. So I sobered up, we started dating again a few weeks after. We've been good since and now she's leaving for school for 4 years and our relationship has been very very rocky and sometimes I'm just F this Sit I just wanna light up, toke, hit, whatever I can get my hands on, swallow, drink, take, whatever but I love her too much. I stopped hanging out with ALL my druggies friends and now I've been sober since Febuary. Not even an a hit of a joint, NOTHING. It's possible you just gotta really have your stuff together. I was unemployeed for 3 months, moving every few, had a completely unstable life but I sticked it out and everything is ok.

[loveonspeedial]

The only problem I have now is that I took my addiction and love for drugs and made it her and really changed my life for her that whenever we talk about breaking up or anything I pretty much go crazy and that I think if we ever permantely broke up I would purposely OD cause I wouldn't even be able to function, but I don't recommend doing that. Sober up, go to school, get your AA, ged, whatever find some new friends a new and better job and tie your life around goals not people or things that's the only way you'll stay happy/

[loveonspeedial]

Obviously your gf is very understanding and you guys probably have a lot to work on, every time you get an urge call her, write her. Take your addiction and do something productive with it, voulteer at a local rehab or boys and girls club. It is something you can overcome, especially if it's for a relationship but you must want to overcome that too. My gf and I have both made compromises, neither of us party so we don't get drunk or high so we don't cheat on each other and we talk every day as much as we can, on this site I have read some amazing love stories and I'm sure you'll come across them and be like "damn, if they survived that, my sitution is nothing!" Some of these couples only see each other once a yr and they're like overseas long distance.

[freeskierpj]

Wow thanks for the reply(s) and yea that's something I'm actually happy about is that I didn't get sober for her because I wanted to be sober for me after she said we were breaking up and now that she's back in the picture I still want to be sober for me but that's just another thing helping me remember why I'm sober. Especially seeing how much I broke her heart cause I don't want to do that to her or anyone else it just happens to be that it would be her right now. I am getting really involved in the AA/NA community and I have a lot of friends that are sober and no friends that are using right now so that's helpful. Stay strong in your sobriety and if you haven't been to AA/NA I would strongly suggest going to a few meetings just to check it out.

[loveonspeedial]

Yeah I've never attended, like right now I'm upset and the first thing I'm thinking about is where the nearest dealer is. It's hard, especially when my relationship is the reason I'm upset, it's such a battle.

[freeskierpj]

It might be really good to go to a meeting. Check it out and see what it's about. I'm so much happier now and when I go to a meeting if I'm having a rough day and share with the people there I always get people there that are willing to talk and it's really nice.

[valentinekitty]

What a fascinating story. I have to admit that I read the sparknotes first, but then wanted to know more, so went back and read the rest.

It's great that you say that you 'wanted to be sober for me', because I think that is one of the key things about LDRs. You need to be able to look after yourself. Yes, we all lean on our SOs from time to time, but like any relationship you can't be dependant on each other. We have so many challenges in LDRs that people who haven't experienced them don't understand, which can increase the need to lean on each other, and makes things very hard, since you both have the same problem - missing each other.

The way I feel is that if my SO wasn't in my life I would still be able to get through life and I would still find happiness. What my Big Dog gives me is more... more love, more happiness, more meaning... and with him in my life I want to be the best I can be for me, and for him.

I think one of the keys to LDRs, beyond the actual relationship, is that you have to look after yourself and you have to find ways to enjoy the life you have away from each other. That way you can give your best self to your SO. After all, that's what they deserve, and what you deserve too from them.

Love each other, support each other, but make sure you look after yourself.

With great love,

Kitty
x

[freeskierpj]

"The way I feel is that if my SO wasn't in my life I would still be able to get through life and I would still find happiness. What my Big Dog gives me is more... more love, more happiness, more meaning... and with him in my life I want to be the best I can be for me, and for him."

That's exactly how I feel. Like I've been away from her for just over 3 months now and I'm really happy, but the days I talk to her which are about once a week until we finally start our LDR just make me so much happier and it's only for about half an hour but it makes my whole day happier. But thanks for the kind words!