How Many Arguments do you have a Month?

[ams.201220]

Within my friend circle, I'm the only person in a long distance relationship. Everyone goes on about how we're doing so great for being LD, and how they can't believe we're still together, etc... At one point it bothered me, but not so much anymore.

The only thing I can't really fully understand is the arguments. Austin and I argue about once to twice a month; it's usually not a huge argument and gets solved within 24 hours. My friends who are in CD relationships argue every few months. I was talking to my best friend about how I feel about it, and honestly I feel like I'm not handling my relationship well and I don't want it to take a turn for the worst, especially because he's going to be shipped off to boot camp any day now.

It's hard for her to understand it well, because she's not going through it. So I thought I would ask here; I checked the forum for posts similar, but only found ones for how to resolve arguments.

My question is: Do you argue frequently-ish? If so, how many arguments do you have a month or a year or whenever?

[lucybelle]

We've never had an argument, like a full out angry at you argument. We have calm discussions like "hey, can you please not leave the dirty dishes? It makes me crazy." other person: "okay". But that's what our characters are like. We are very calm and extremely flexible. I think arguments depend far more on who you are as a person than whether you are LD or CD. I suppose LDRs may have more because you communicate via text/email more often and it's easy to misinterpret what someone is trying to say.

[Mellow]

Same here... Never had an argument at all. We both don't get mad easily, so that might be a huge factor. Usually, when something is wrong we just talk about it... rather calmly so that we can work things out. I sometimes end up crying, but I'm just a huge cry baby :')

I do have a friend who had multiple long distance relationships, and he had this girlfriend which he fought with almost everyday. Through skype, text messages, emails etc. It really was scary to hear all that >.< Sounded so destructive for both of them. In the end, they were too tired to carry this on and ended it all after about 5 months of this... arguments going back and forth.

[Mairja]

We don't argue. We've been upset with each other a couple of times each but we haven't argued, we resolved things calmly. I can't even stay angry for very long, and I absolutely hate arguing, I did enough of that in my 8 years of marriage to last me 3-4 lifetimes.

[Verojoon]

We argue too often. I would say I liked it because our arguments were productive... but now we are having a huge problem that I won't hijack this thread to talk about... so I don't know if our relationship will survive it...

[alittlemind]

Like many of the others, my boyfriend and I don't argue. We've never raised our voices at each other, although times have come up where one or the other said something that was misinterpreted, and someone got upset. This usually just happens over text, though, and like lucybelle said, when a tone of voice is not involved, it is easier to misinterpret what someone was trying to say, and in LDRs we communicate a lot over text, email, and what not. And I'm sure the stress of being apart, planning visits, planning to close the distance, people not approving of the relationship, can take a toll on people in LDRs. But I don't think fighting often is a trait of LDRs, I would say it is more about the people involved in it and how they deal with issues. My SO and I are pretty mellow people, and for the most part we agree on things or respect the others opinion. A lot of other people are much more opinionated, and like to defend what they believe in. And there's nothing wrong with that. It becomes a problem when you're fighting every day and nothing is getting resolved. Having an argument once or twice a month seems pretty standard to me, as long as it isn't the same issue that comes up over and over again. Best wishes to you

[Zephii]

I'm loving how Lucybelle said it!

We bicker occasionally. In times of stress that can be several times a week, but generally it's maybe twice a month? I don't know it's never serious and it's over fairly quickly - within the hour. I'll say we have a good row every six months on average, the type of argument one of us still cares about/is hurt by the next day.

Bickering tends to happen because I'm either hormonal (yay for being a woman) or hungry. Usually the later. And they end with me apologizing for being a dick and eating something. We laugh about it and move on.
Occasionally bickering happens because he's bored. He's the most fucking annoying person on this earth if he's bored for too long. So generally if I see it coming on, I instigate something fun and head that off at the pass. If I don't catch it in time, we'll bicker for up to an hour and then have the "I was a dick, I'm sorry" conversation.

Arguments where we actually have an issue to solve? Almost never. We just talk it out. If one of us says something hurtful, we backpedal, and try to say it another way. Or whatever. We're all about keeping the line of communication open and getting the problem solved. I think we've dissolved into raised voices twice in the time we've known each other.

We argue more now that we're parents. Even after all the discussions we had, there's still some things we don't automatically agree on, and there's the breastfeeding thing. We've argued about that a lot But that's because it's something he can only begin to understand. He sees this fantastic thing that never fails to stop the crying. I see this painful thing that sometimes starts me crying lol. These are simple breakdowns in communication. We talk when the stress of the wailing banshee child has passed and make an agreement.

The point of this here break down is to help you be able to figure out what is at the root of your arguments. Are you actually fighting because he didn't put the cap on the toothpaste, or does that unscrewed cap remind you of something far more emotional that's been left undone and that underlying issue is going unresolved?
Are you arguing because your communication has broken down? Or because someone's needs are going unmet? Or because you're hungry/stressed/hormonal/bored?

It's ok to argue. My sister and her husband have always had very loud arguments, almost every day. It makes Obi and I uncomfortable, because to us they are things that could be quietly discussed or just let go (you don't have to agree on everything, pick your battles), and is one of the key reasons we don't like living with them for any period of time, but to them it means they have no underlying issues. All their shit is on the table, everything is dealt with immediately no matter who's around. They call each other names, hang up phones, make threats... and love each other to pieces. Their dynamic is just fiery! So don't compare your relationship to that of your mates and find it lacking. Different just means different, not wrong

[kittyo9]

We have arguments maybe once or twice a month. TBH I think we would argue less if he just said "okay" more, but we're working on it. I also think if my SO didn't take so long to move on from arguments, we'd resolve them in a matter of hours; I get very emotional very quickly, but I also move on very quickly as well. On the other hand, my SO takes a while to get emotionally charged, but once he's there, it takes him a long time to come back down. This has been kind of a complicated situation resulting in arguments that sometimes take 2-3 days to fully move on from (not to end, just to move on from).

Our arguments are virtually non-existent when we're together in person, though, except for when one of us is being stubborn.

[dizzyupthemeg]

We bicker often, usually over things that don't matter at all or some kind of miscommunication. We both are extremely stubborn and set in our ways and compromise doesn't always come easiest to us. I once didn't talk to him for hours because he wouldn't take a picture with me. I would say bickering happens at least once a week. It's never a big deal though, and it often ends resolved quickly with whoever was being difficult apologizing first. We've never had a major argument, and I truly hope it stays that way based on our personalities.

I will say, I wouldn't change a thing about it. There are times when he annoys me more than anything because of it, but it shows that neither of us are afraid to hurt the other person's feelings. We truly do our best to communicate and leave everything out there between us. Our relationship wouldn't work for us if we both just let everything slide.

[Sora1101]

Until about maybe 5 months ago we never argued but now every couple months we get into little spats because one of us misunderstood the tone/meaning behind a text and got upset but it's usually resolved within an hour or two and we're on our merry way. so I'd say we argue on average once every 4 months or so.

[digitalfever]

I argue and he calmly discusses. Maybe twice a month but we mostly bicker...

[Freebird]

Our relationship being bf/gf is still new, but we've been friends for years. I only remember one slight argument that we had in all that time (before we were bf/gf). He said something jokingly, I was already very crabby, and took it the wrong way. He was immediately sorry but I ignored him the rest of the night. The next morning I apologized and felt very bad. I'm sure he's forgotten about that, but I still feel bad! :/

[ushiwakafox]

My SO and I get frustrated and irritated with each other every so often. It's usually me upset about something he says carelessly (which is so easy to do over text message), and means no harm from whatever he says but for whatever reason I guess I get more butt hurt about things sometimes lol. It really seems to correlate with our boredom level in our own lives. If we're both bored with what's going on, nothing's new or exciting to talk about, we tend to get a bit edgy with each other. When that happens we're usually at each other's necks for a good week lol. But it always ends nicely

[princessmaria]

We've only ever argued once that included actual verbal communication. Most of our arguments happen through text and are due to miscommunications or misinterpreting something. Then there are the arguments that happen because of frustration and stress, which usually involves missing each other. Even then, our arguments don't usually last more than a day and I would say that on average we only argue (like really really argue) once every 2-3 months. This number sometimes increases dramatically during stressful times. For instance, right now my SO and I are dealing with being apart again after visiting over the summer. He likes to handle things by completely shutting down, becoming like a stone, and not talking to me as much. It drives me crazy and he knows it, but I also know that this is how he deals with his feelings and eventually he returns to normal. Still, I can't help but be enraged at him when I ask him "how are you?" and his response is "I'm okay" when we both know that he is absolutely not okay. Over the years I've learned to pick and choose my battles, so we argue a lot less but that doesn't mean we don't get annoyed or angry with each other. We tend to just confront the issue after the fire embers out a bit so that we can do it reasonably and without raising our voices.

I think that's something that comes along with time. After x amount of arguments you realize all of the petty things you're fighting over aren't worth losing your SO. I don't think arguments are anything to be concerned about as long as you and your SO can move forward from them (by that I mean, not even bringing up past arguments to create new conflict, but literally overcoming each issue you and your SO encounter). If you find you and your SO arguing constantly about the same thing, then I would be concerned, but if not then don't worry about it. Arguing is healthy to a certain extent.

[ams.201220]

We argue too often. I would say I liked it because our arguments were productive... but now we are having a huge problem that I won't hijack this thread to talk about... so I don't know if our relationship will survive it...

From when I joined the site, you and your relationship has inspired me and my relationship. If you ever need an ear, feel free to message me. Austin and I argued all the time after four months had passed and now it's just on occasion, I suppose.