Building/increasing attraction online

[Methos]

Hey all ..

So got a question here and I'm hoping someone might have some thoughts about it. I'll try to keep it short and to the point but also try to, "pre-answer" the inevitable questions that will arise.

We met online almost 4 years ago .. we were friends for a while and then I asked her out and we had our first online date. It was really fun. That was 3 years ago next month. But it seems that after all this time she still sees me as just a friend. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have been acting more like a friend to her than a potential boyfriend. I want to change that so intentionally put a little, "distance" between us (we haven't seen each other online, on cam that is, for almost a month) .. then want to see her again on our 3 year, "anniversary" and start acting more like a bf, you know, give her that, "There's something different about you" feeling .. in a good way.

The thing that I have trouble with is .. I guess, how to, "build attraction" online. I mean, when you meet someone and are attracted in person and go online after, you're just maintaining that. But when you meet online FIRST .. unless you are just overwhelmed by the person, attraction doesn't grow so easily .. there are too many things missing like, being able to sit close, give a playful slap, you know. That closeness isn't there and without it, it makes it difficult. All we have are our words. I mean, she already said she trusts me a lot, she feels really good with me .. just doesn't see me, "that way."

Another thing that I have to consider is that because of our distance, she might not believe we ever CAN be together so, why even bother? Why allow her heart to grow to love me that way if she doesn't believe we can ever be? I have to consider that too.

So that's a little context but the basic question is this: how do I .. not, "convince" her to love me but, help her to see me not as like a brother but as a boyfriend when all we have is our time on skype? How can I utilize this great tool to the fullest?

And I know what a lot of people will say .. attraction is not a choice, it's either there or it isn't. I understand that and believe that .. let me just say there IS something there .. I can feel it and see it and others see it too. Just looking for a way to open it up, so to speak.

Thanks!

[BigMatt93]

Attraction doesn't always happen right away. Now, before things get too technical... I would agree that there has to at least be a small spark in you guys for the attraction to build. I met my SO online almost a year ago, maybe just a bit less than a year... I honestly went into it with a "go with the flow" not overly optimistic attitude. We emailed each other everyday for the next several weeks, and then emails led to nonstop texting... Before we knew it texting lead to talking on the phone everyday. There doesn't always have to be a huge overwhelming attraction on both parts for anything to happen. Maybe it's like my situation. You felt a spark and felt like you and this girl could be something really special. Take a chance, Put yourself out there. Coming from a kid whose never been very social, outgoing, or even spontaneous... Chasing a small "spark" I felt has become the best decision I've ever made. Some times you just have to say "stuff it" and go for it. Throw caution to the wind and lay it all out on the table. I know I'm nowhere near as far away from my SO as you are, assuming that your description is still accurate under your icon... Distance is tough... It takes 2 very strong minds and 2 very strong hearted trusting people to make long distance relationships work. When I lived 50 miles away from my SO before I met her. It was my goal in life to get the hell out of dodge and never return to South Carolina. I wanted out and getting out never seemed like it could come quick enough. Well, I met her online when I was in Florida after a family blow out led to me and my parents being jobless. We talked all the time and we got to hang out a few of the times I had to be in South Carolina before we made our big trip to Nebraska. Now I'm 1,400 miles away and I'm missing my SO like crazy. I am willing to do what it takes to better myself and get my education so that I have a future and a very good chance of returning to my SO once I establish myself in my career and start bringing in some money. I guess the point I'm really trying to make here is that nothing ventured is nothing gained... Maybe if you open up to her she'll reveal that deep down she has felt the same way about you but has been to nervous to admit it. You can't sit there the rest of your life wondering "what if" or "what could have been". If your love for one another is strong enough, Distance is only going to be a temporary road block. A very frustrating one at times, I'll admit... But if you two really love each other, I can almost guarantee that you will find a way to overcome and eventually close the distance between the two of you. Long Distance Relationships aren't easy and they certainly aren't meant for everybody. The thing about a long distance relationship is that compared to couples who live together or live within a reasonable distance/ amount of hours by each other, You DON"T get to see your SO all the time and that compared to couples who get to see their significant other's all the time, You actually have to WORK and put in an EFFORT to make sure your relationship stays healthy and that both of you stay happy.

[Chlo]

Hello Methos

Attraction is an odd thing to explain in online relationships, but I honestly think that your attraction may start to grow once you both want one another (as boyfriend and girlfriend). Since you cannot actually interact with your SO, it means looking at attraction in a slightly different way. I haven't met my SO, although we haven't been together for a long time, our attraction to each other is growing everyday through words and thinking about the future, the day we can sit close, hold hands etc.
It's difficult, probably one of the most challenging things you'll come across, but if you like this girl, it'll just blossom, because you both want this badly. It takes a lot of effort on both sides to make this work, you both have to want it.. 110%!

I wish you the best of luck with the situation, and hope you can sort things out in the best way possible.

[Methos]

BigMatt .. Dude! I'm gonna need a little time to digest everything you said .. good stuff and great to hear your story. Thanks! I'll get back to you.

Chlo .. what you said absolutely nailed it:

It takes a lot of effort on both sides to make this work, you both have to want it.. 110%!

I am truly uncertain as to whether she honestly, simply doesn't see me as more than a friend (hey .. it happens, let's face it) or if it's the distance that to her seems insurmountable. We also have an age difference that doesn't bother her so much but, what others might think means a lot to her. Not gonna get into that here as it would open a can of worms. But the thing is, we both want to be, "together." We spoke about it not so long ago. I know she dates casually .. we're in that in between place of, "more than friends" but not bf/gf. She isn't interested in something serious right now and especially such a long distance. Yet, she has all the same needs and desires as anyone does. So I can't fault her for that and I'm learning to be okay with it. Aaaa hell, who am I kidding .. it makes me crazy! Lol! But anyway, we talked like I said and I basically put it all on the line .. told her that I love her very much but that if she finds happiness with someone else, then she should be with him and I should leave .. because for me to stay would be like having 2 guys trying to occupy the same place in her heart and that would only make her miserable. That's when she told me that she's not serious about the guy she's with .. that she does love me and care about me and trust me a lot .. that I'm one of the few people in her life that she can count on to be there for her. She said she just can't promise that she will someday love me as a bf .. then she told me, "So its up to you if you want to speak with me anymore. But I want you in my life." Probably because I know our history but that last statement means soooo much.

And she also once told me flat out, concerning the time just before we met that, even if she does feel something when we meet .. she's gonna have to say no because we can't be together. We know the mind and the heart don't speak the same language .. and they often confuse each other. I wonder if somehow here, her mind is telling her heart, "Don't get involved! There's no way you can be together so don't bother letting yourself feel anything!" But that's a question I may never know the answer to because it's locked inside her heart.

But in terms of us both wanting it .. I tend to keep something my friend told me about this guy she knew. When the girl he was in love with told him she doesn't love him that way he said, "That's okay .. I'll love enough for both of us and maybe someday that love will be telling and you'll grow to love me too." The guy? My friend's dad. The girl he loved? Her mom. So it can and does happen. Thing is, they were with each other every day. We see each other on skype now and then, we text but, when it would cost me about $1500 just to take her out for pizza .. it makes things difficult ya know?

We do go on dates .. a few months ago, I took my laptop to the Skywalk observation level at the top of the Prudential tower in Boston and we met online there and I showed her the city from above. it was soo funny! There were people all around, talking and laughing and looking at things. I was sitting on the ledge, with my laptop. Lol! But we were talking and laughing and I honestly felt like she was right there with me. But then .. I can't hold her hand or whisper a joke in her ear. I can't put my hand on her back as we cross the street or give her a playful tap on the nose when she's being silly. I can't kiss her goodbye .. none of the things that in a way NEED to be there to spark a more physical attraction .. which is exactly what we are missing. We already have an incredible connection .. we can talk about anything. Just missing that one element which I KNOW is there, if only a glimmer .. if only a tiny candle burning quietly beneath a mountain of wood, just waiting for a gust of wind to light the whole thing ablaze.

Omg .. I've said too much!

[Methos]

Okay BigMatt .. I think we are in fact coming from similar places here. You could say that this started with me chasing a small spark. From the moment I first saw her, I knew I had to get to know her .. everyone else all of a sudden, paled in comparison. And I don't just mean physical beauty .. there's something in her eyes .. it's like I can see right into her soul, the most beautiful I've ever known. Many would say that the guy should never be the one to reveal his feelings first .. maybe that was my mistake. But I couldn't help it .. my love for her has grown through the years .. but the moment I saw her, I felt a spark of love like I've never known before or since .. as if I had been subconsciously searching for her my whole life and something inside me that day said, "There! She's the one!" I didn't even know I was looking .. but when I found her, I knew I couldn't let her go. God that sounds like something out of a book or something. Lol!

I'm the same as you, financially. I mean .. to establish any kind of long term relationship, I can't just fly out there once and expect everything to change. As first meetings go, it was okay. We spent 3 nights in Sinaia in the mountains .. went out with her friends a couple times and THAT was fun! I met her mom when we came back to Bucuresti .. lovely lady. But at the moment anyway, I can't fly out there at will or on a whim, ya know? So I'm working harder than ever to build something that will allow us to see each other more than once every 600 years. )

And I have opened up to her .. maybe that was problem. Maybe I should have let her feel something for me first. It is a known fact that overall, Romanian women are considered the most beautiful in all the world and she is NO exception to that, believe me! And with that comes a level of subconscious arrogance (that sounds awful but it's not meant to be) .. like this understanding that, "I can have any guy I want." That often comes from guys always hitting on her so for me to be like that makes me no different. That's part of the reason I initially approached her as a friend .. to stand out from everyone else .. to not be the guy that was hitting on her or whatever. But over time she came to see me ONLY as a friend and when I revealed my true feelings .. I don't know ..

I made her a video the other day .. I had recorded our first online date and patched together pieces of that with other video and some music and put it up for her to see (haven't showed her yet) .. at the end, I'm looking out across the open ocean, holding a picture of her and smiling .. then pan down to something I was writing, "I will cross any distance, conquer any obstacles, just for the chance for us to be together." I have that desire and I WILL find a way, somehow .. it's just a matter of her wanting that too and at the moment, she does not. but I have to wonder what I can do to help awaken that within her. About 6 months ago, we had a date but I wasn't able to make it. I actually had a bit of a medical emergency and had to leave without being able to say anything. My skype is always open and when I got back about 3 days later .. it was FILLED with messages from her! How she was getting really worried, that I never miss a date .. please call me when you get this, etc. When we finally spoke, she told me something that I was prepared for. She said, "I was so worried something bad happened, I called the US Embassy." I mean, 3 days I was gone .. that's all. That blew me away. So no one can say there's nothing there. Just need to find a way to her heart .. to unlock the rest of it. And that's why I'm here. Most of the ideas for online dates, I've already come up with before I even saw the list so, looking for something .. more ..

Anyway, before I ramble on anymore, guess I'd better shutup. )

[Chlo]

I just really want you to be careful. I know I wouldn't be able to be in your position.. I have no right to judge, but I think you have to think about yourself in this too. You seem like such a caring, lovely and understanding person, but is it truly worth it? Are you allowed to see other people?
It's kind of difficult to convince people who don't believe long distance works, it does work, but it takes work.
I totally understand the physical thing. My SO knows how sad it makes me, that I can't be close to him, and he hates it too. But we just have to wait, and think about the future. I guess it's hard for you since you're almost still trying to convince her. I see you're going to such a big effort for this girl, I just hope she'll give you and a relationship the chance it deserves!

[Methos]

Hey .. yes Chlo .. we have an understanding. When I told her I can't expect her to not see anyone because of me .. she said, "I don't want to keep you either" meaning from seeing other people if I want. The thing is, I'm okay with that, completely. I really am .. people don't believe me but .. I wasn't intentionally looking for someone when we met and I'm not now either. I have friends and family and I'm happy. And I can wait for her. It's not like I'm missing out on anything because, I wasn't looking for it to begin with. )

It's funny .. I think a lot of people see it as something sad .. like Hachiko waiting outside the train station for 9 years waiting for his friend to come home, when his friend was never coming home. In the movie, the other professor from the school spoke with him in Japanese and said, "Hachi, my friend, Parker is never coming home. But if Hachiko wants to wait, then Hachiko should wait. You want to wait for him, don't you?" See, I don't know if the day will ever come that we'll be together .. but she is printesa mea and, I HAVE to wait .. because I want to wait for her. Some things .. some people, are worth waiting for.

[Chlo]

The dedication is really sweet, and I truly hope you can be together one day. If only she could see all of this! :P
As long as you're happy and sure of what you want, we're all here to support you.

[Methos]

Yeah .. I read somewhere recently that there's debate over whether it's the distance or the time that is the real, "enemy." Maybe both .. maybe neither. Maybe they serve to grow the relationship by helping you value the time you DO have together even more. But the time apart is a killer, every time.

And, I wouldn't necessarily say, "convince her" of anything .. more like, peel back the veil of what could be. I mean, I have recorded some of our skype chats and then later put together videos of us and she LOVES them! I showed a couple to a friend and even though she says that she doesn't love me as a bf, my friend said, "Just look at the way she looks at you! It's like she adores you!" When we went out in Sinaia with her friends, we were hanging out in the restaurant, sitting side by side in a cozy little booth .. the way we were talking, anyone walking by would swear we were 2 couples. But then when we were alone .. she was quiet and almost, closed off. I mean, I think a lot of that was because online, I had acted too much like a friend for so long .. and when I was actually there, I was acting like a bf .. and I shocked her system or something. Lol! Her natural female "defenses" were up too because she knew I was coming out there to try to make something happen. I don't mean that she thought I was gonna jump her! Lol! But, take our relationship up a notch. So she had natural resistance because she's not at the same place I am. We all know guys are more visual .. attraction for a guy begins with appearance and grows deeper from there as we get to know a girl. But with a girl .. it's more about how a guy makes her feel. How else do you explain a drop dead gorgeous woman with some butt ugly guy! Lol! Anyway, she DOES feel good with me .. just not the kind of good that makes her see me as boyfriend material, so to speak. And I don't know how to do that online. Things like touch .. from a light touch on the back of the hand, sitting sloe watching a movie, things like that have a HUGE impact and they can't be duplicated online. So I need another way and again, that's why I'm here .. even if just through reading and conversing with others some idea I hadn't thought of might arise.

And look .. this girl is no saint .. she's not God's gift to the world (although she would argue that she is! Lol! jk) .. she's not the most beautiful woman in the world .. but she is to me .. and that's what matters. It may sound like I'm putting her on a pedestal but really, I'm not. Just saying that she's worth the effort because when things are good between us, they are REALLY good .. and they can be better. Just need a way to help her see us the way I see us .. and what could be.

[Moon]

I don't mean to sound negative, but, if after 4 years of speaking online and 3 years of trying to be more than friends, she doesn't feel that attraction toward you, I don't think there's much more you can do. Yes, things can be slower online, but not THAT slow, and if it hasn't changed even after meeting in person, I think it might be time to realize that your relationship is, and will remain, one-sided. You compare this with Hachiko, but dogs don't need that spark of chemistry to be loyal companions, we're companions, not lovers, and that makes every difference in the world. Yes, sometimes those butt-ugly guys get the beautiful woman, but it's pretty rare, you have to be realistic here There has to be that spark, if she doesn't feel it, it can't be forced. I'll bet she's tried, she's probably been trying, which is why you two still talk, but chemistry is biological and is what it is.

I'm so sorry, but when a woman tells you she's not attracted to you, she means it. She probably wants to be and wishes she could be, and only let you know when she was sure she couldn't be. She still talks to you because you make her feel good, which is nice. Life's to short to wait years for someone who doesn't want you, you sound like someone who's loyal and kind, and who appreciates what a woman can offer you, I just don't think this is the right relationship to keep pursuing. It's OK that you won't agree with me, I just hope you keep it in mind. Good luck.

[Methos]

Moon .. respectfully .. that WAS very negative and that's NOT what I came here for. It's not your place to judge the nature of our relationship from a few posts on a site compared to years of experiences that she and I have shared that I can't even begin to get into on here. If you could, "hear" your words from my perspective, knowing what I know about the two of us, you would realize how completely off base you are .. again, making assumptions without knowing NEARLY the whole story. And I'm not interested in wasting my time and space on this site to explain how everything you said is wrong. I came here for suggestions on how to move forward, not for reasons why I should give up. But I will say this:

About your comment:

after 4 years of speaking online and 3 years of trying to be more than friends

please re-read what I said:

But it seems that after all this time she still sees me as just a friend. I know a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have been acting more like a friend to her than a potential boyfriend.

Okay? Okay.

And just to clarify, I was just using the Hachiko analogy as to show that I am in this 100% .. even if she is not at that place yet. I'm not prepared to give up on her .. not yet. I didn't post here and ask, "Do you think this relationship is worth pursuing?" I've asked and answered that question myself so until she says so herself in no uncertain terms that she feels otherwise .. I'm not interested in anyone's negative opinions made with extremely limited information. Not trying to sound mean .. just letting you know.

Edited: You know .. I was having a bad enough week, dealing with being so far from her and after joining here, I started to feel a little better about things. But this post of yours completely ruined that and I'm feeling like crap again. Thanks ..

[ThePiedPiper]

How was Moon being negative? Because she told you the alternative reality to what you don't want to hear? Look, I get that we don't know the whole story, but sometimes things simply... aren't there. :/

I fell in love with my ex after a couple years of knowing him, but after only a few months of really sitting down and talking daily with one another. Prior to that, we'd simply been friends who were both involved with other people and talked occasionally. Compare that against my best friend, with whom I've spoken on a frequent to every day basis for around 6 years now, and yet while he has implied feeling some form of an attraction to me, I have absolutely never felt that romantic attraction to him. Am I very close to him? Yes. Do I love him? To bits and pieces. Is he attractive? Very. Do I want him to be a part of my life for the rest of my life? If he'll have me, yes, but there is nothing there. He does not excite me. He makes me feel wonderful and loved and treated well and like there's someone who knows me as well as the back of his own hand. I feel I give him that as well, and he's expressed that to me as well. We joke about being Will and Grace to each other, though, because there really is not that romantic component that would make what otherwise seems like a perfect relationship work. Sometimes relationships look perfect on paper, but they're missing the spark that pieces everything together, and I can tell you now, that spark is there whether or not you meet online or have ever met in person or don't. I can't sit here and promise that your friend is the one exception to that rule. A lot of us here have met people online, felt the spark, felt the attraction, been able to be honest about having it, have known it was there even when we've been skeptical before meeting in person. I don't know anyone here who has seen someone as "just as a friend" and that's somehow magically changed after a period of time. And while I can tell how much you love her and I know how much it hurts for these things to be one sided, the very realistic (not negative, just realistic) possibility is that she sees you like I see my friend: as just a friend and someone who is amazing but someone with whom that spark, for whatever stupid, fate-defying reason, simply lacks. It's not there. It's not anyone's fault. It means nothing about you or her. But typically, after three years, whether you've met or haven't, whether you Skype or don't, whether you can touch or can't, you know whether or not that little flitter in your tummy is really there. And if it's not, that generally means it's not. I know you keep saying you want an answer from her, but for some reason, your repeated mention of her saying you make her feel good but "friend good" seems an answer enough to the outside world. You can't knock us for picking up on that.

Just wanted to say that opinions aren't negative or mean because they aren't what you want to hear. We're presenting a realistic alternative, because what more can we expect of a girl who says you make her feel like you're her best friend/brother rather than her boyfriend?

[Methos]

Look, I get that we don't know the whole story, but sometimes things simply... aren't there.

That's not your or anyone else's call to make. I didn't ask for an opinion on that.

I don't know anyone here who has seen someone as "just as a friend" and that's somehow magically changed after a period of time.

I do .. not on here .. a good friend of mine though .. her parents.

the very realistic (not negative, just realistic) possibility is that she sees you like I see my friend

For the love of God .. don't you think I know that?????? Don't you think I have spent nights wondering if maybe she even couldn't care less about me but just keeps me around for when she's bored or needs to feel good? Don't you think I haven't considered all possibilities? The point is I came here with specific questions and now 2 people have decided to volunteer opinions about something I did not invite an opinion about. And while I was generally feeling a little better about things (I came here because I've been having doubts myself lately) .. after reading these last 2 posts .. I've gone back to questioning and doubting again.

Why can't people just stick to the question at hand? There are some on every site, I swear .. go to a tech forum and someone is asking for advice on upgrading his system on a budget .. and some jerk always has to say, "Dude, just junk that thing and buy a new one." Again, if the person had actually READ what was there, it was not in his budget. You go to any forum and you will find people like this so I guess it shouldn't surprise me that I found the same here.

Look, I'm a dreamer and I'll be the first to admit it. But I'm also realistic and I'm telling you, I have asked and answered every friggin question that could possibly be asked here .. every concern, every skepticism that anyone can come up with. I have faced every possibility in my mind (some of them in person) so you're not telling me anything that I haven't thought of more times than I want to admit. I came here for encouragement and some insight and perspectives on how to try to move things in a new direction but instead, I was simply reminded of my own doubts and concerns that I have been trying so hard to bury.

Listen .. being in a LDR is hard enough .. especially with such a great distance. Not only do you miss the person like crazy .. but you wonder sometimes if they are telling the truth or not. There have been times .. MANY times actually, early on with the two of us when I felt she was lying. But I couldn't imagine why .. she had no reason to lie to me. But every so often something would happen and I would have no choice but to confront her about it. Things just appeared a little fishy. She explained and I felt like a fool for thinking what I did. Recently it reversed. I had been really busy with some things and missed her online a few times. When we finally caught up after a couple days, she was quite down .. she said felt like I was avoiding her. I was like, "Hunny, why would you think that?" She said she didn't know .. it just seemed like I was avoiding .. but the truth is, I was a bit overworked and when I got home I was really tired and crashed right away. and if I remember right, I had internet problems too .. something stupid like that. After a few minutes .. she got quiet and then said, "I'm sorry for this. It just looked liked you were avoiding me." Again I asked her to think, what reason would I have to do that and she couldn't come up with one. Same thing happened to me and when you're in that place .. when you are uncertain of what the other person is REALLY thinking and feeling .. the mind and heart start to play some serious games and generate all kinds of doubts. But she has time and again proven to me that all my doubts were completely unfounded. It's still hard for me .. very hard. And stuff like this only causes those feelings from my irrational doubts to resurface and create havoc in my heart.

As I said .. over these last few years .. I have treated her like a friend. TOO much so .. That spark isn't so random as a lot of people would like to think. It happens sometimes for no apparent reason (though there IS a reason .. just isn't often recognized), like with my friend's parents. They had been together a while .. several years if I'm not mistaken. She had moved in with him basically for the convenience of it but told him straight out that she didn't love him. Well, one night he was late coming home from work. It was something stupid like, overtime for some project or something. Anyway, she waited and waited and began to worry that something had happened. When she saw him finally pull into the driveway .. she was so relieved!!! And she said in that moment, she realized that she was in love with him .. when she experienced the real possibility that she may have lost him. Funny thing is .. just such a thing happened with us about 2 years ago. We used to talk almost every day .. even if just a quick, "Hey .. ce mai faci?" (How are you?) But I was off for 2 days .. just 2. Busy with work and things. We had missed each other one night by about 5 minutes but she didn't notice. Anyway, she didn't have international minutes on her phone at the time (they had run out or something) so she took someone's phone at work and called me! Lol! We talked and she was freaking out. I said I'm fine sweetie .. just got a little crazy here, that's all. She told me later that night, she had no idea but in that moment, she got really scared that something had happened to me. She said, "You're here every night and you weren't for 2 days." Then she said, "I was really scared .. I know I have some real feelings but don't know sure what." Something shifted inside her that day .. Was it sustained? No .. cause I went right back to being Mr. Friend. But there are very real things that guys can do that work to generate that spark .. whether people want to believe it or not, it's true. Most of it happens in person .. because there are too many things missing in online chat.

[Methos]

I'm saying too much here but trying to work myself out of this tizzy that I got into over this. Probably not coming back to this site now because of it. I don't surround myself with people like this because trust me, I can produce all the skepticism and doubt that I need right in my own brain! Lol! I choose to surround myself with encouragement .. honesty yes, but encouragement and support. I weigh EVERYTHING .. trust me. and I envision all possibilities long before anyone else even knows 1/10th of the story. Anyway, I'll just wrap it up with this .. as I said (and quoted myself) .. for the last 3 years I have NOT been acting like a guy who was interested in her .. even when I said it outright, my actions were that of a friend. I sent all the signals to her that I was a friend .. I gave her all the feelings of friendship .. never really flirted with her or talked to her in a suggestive way or did the things that make a girl's imagination stimulated and get her heart thumping. So recently, we had a talk. We never really talked about either of us dating (others) but we did that day. And I told her that with our distance and the way she feels or doesn't feel about me .. I understand if she's seeing someone there. And I told her .. I actually put it all on the line that night and told her that I love her beyond what words can ever hope to express .. that she is the missing piece of my heart that I never knew was missing .. that her smile is enough to chase away the clouds in my darkest hour and make my heart smile. And that more than anything, I want to make her as happy as she makes me. BUT .. if we can never be .. then we should part ways now .. tonight. I told her I was prepared to leave that night and never speak again .. because if she finds happiness with someone else, for me to remain in her life would be like trying to occupy the same place in her heart as someone else and I won't do that. it would be unfair to her and disrespectful to him (whoever he might be). And I told her, the choice is hers but if she does want me in her life .. she needs to understand something. For the last 3 years I have been her friend .. I have talked and acted like a friend and I really have been there for her, as a friend. But I don't want friendship .. I want a relationship. I want to be her guy .. not just A guy .. but THE guy in her life. And if you want me to stay .. understand that things will be different. I believe the best things in life are worth fighting for and one such thing, is you and me. So I'm gonna fight for us .. all the time. I said I'm not making any excuses anymore and I'm not gonna couch it in some sweet words that sound like a hallmark card .. Babe .. I want you! And I'm gona fight for you and for us, every single day. That's when she told me that she does love me and care for me .. just doesn't love me in that way. She said she can't promise me that she absolutely will love me that way someday (but can't promise that she won't either) .. but that she does want me in her life. She accepted my, "conditions" if you will. Again, fault could be found with this .. maybe she said that because she loves the attention I give her. I mean .. she said that of all places in the world, she would love to visit Egypt someday. Me too! I've always been fascinated by Egypt. of course these days are definitely NOT the time to go there! Not that we have the money anyway. So recently, I took her on a date .. to Egypt. I built a 12 foot tall pyramid in my backyard, complete with interior wall art and hieroglyphics. She was blown away and beaming from ear to ear. From the cam, it looked to be tiny but as she saw me walk toward it and could see it towered over me, he eyes almost popped out of her head! Then we went inside the thing. She couldn't believe it. But still .. as much as I know that impressed her .. it's not the type of thing that will spark a romantic interest .. especially in someone who has had a bad history with guys. She once told me that love leads to suffering in call cases - and also that she has never known real love. Well, she is experiencing it now .. and maybe that's got her freaked too. Could be .. or maybe not. Maybe she's afraid to allow herself to really feel anything for me .. maybe in her mind she is convinced that we can never ultimately be together so why allow her heart to become attached to me if we can never realize that love fully. Or maybe she just doesn't love me that way and never will. I have asked her directly .. and asked her to please, always be honest with me and I believe she is telling me the truth when she says .. she doesn't know. What I do know is there's definitely "something" there .. however small .. it is there and has ALWAYS been there. I see it when I look in her eyes. Maybe she doesn't even realize it .. but it's so clear to me. How can I give up now? And for what? Some people have suggested that I could be happy with someone right here so why waste my time on this? To that I say .. "because I love her. And I'm not missing out because I'm happy just the way things are .. I don't NEED a woman to make me happy. I don't need to be seeing someone to feel fulfilled. And if I want to wait for printesa mea .. then I will wait. After all, it's MY time to wait if I want to." They say they don't want to see me get hurt but by being discouraging, THEY are the ones causing the hurt! They say they care about me and hate to see me when I have doubts or when we fight .. but hell, show me a single relationship, long distance or in the same house that DOESN'T have issues! But everytime we fight .. everytime either of us has doubts .. everytime we come to a place where things appear to be about to fall apart .. we get together and talk and become better and stronger and grow closer from it. THAT is the mark of a relationship that has the potential to last a lifetime. That is what we have. So I've got to try .. I have too much invested, so to speak .. to just walk away now. But most of all .. I deeply love this girl, more than I knew I could love someone. It's like .. I'm a better person, because of her. She has told me that I've always been there for her and done so much but she has no way to do anything for me .. she's wrong. She's done so much. I have grown so much since I've known her. In fact .. if I never met Cosy .. I doubt I ever would have myself known what real love is. I do now and, I want to share it with her.

Damn that was unreasonably long! Lol! I guess I just had to let it all out somewhere so in that way, maybe this place has served it's purpose. I'll be leaving now. Thanks for listening.

[ThePiedPiper]

That's when she told me that she does love me and care for me .. just doesn't love me in that way. She said she can't promise me that she absolutely will love me that way someday (but can't promise that she won't either) .. but that she does want me in her life. She accepted my, "conditions" if you will.

away now. But most of all .. I deeply love this girl, more than I knew I could love someone.

You love her so much you're seeing things that aren't there. If my best friend straight up told me I had to accept that he loved me and deal with that fact or, alternatively, never speak to him again, I would most definitely accept that he loved me so long as he understood that I can't promise I'd ever love him that way and that I don't love him that way now. To me, that says absolutely nothing about romantic feelings. Here's the thing, you talk about skepticism and doubt, but you act like you have none of it, and if you're so sure she loves you, then you wouldn't need to surround yourself with people who only assure you of that. You'd be able to handle the people who see it for what it is, too, and that's someone who does not love you romantically and probably never will, regardless of how desperate you get. We could be wrong. That's always an option. We are simply pointing it out for what it is now and when a girl says "I love you, but not romantically," she generally means it. Best of luck, though. Sorry the forum couldn't give you what you wanted and I hope you find better from other forums in the future!