I'm upset and mad and feel like a bomb just got dropped on me.:(

[katiecat08]

First things first. Me and my SO know were getting married soon. We've known for quite some time but we weren't going to say anything to my parents just yet because it wasn't the right time to tell them. My mom has been going through some stuff with her dad and I didn't want to put another thing on her plate already. My SO was planning on telling my parents his intentions towards me as soon as possible. Well, his mom knows our plans and has for quite a while now and was happy about it but felt like we were being sneaky by not telling my parents our intentions yet. I already explained to his mom why I hadn't done that yet and for good reason. MY mom is the type of person who stresses out very easily and she gets mad very easily. I wanted to hold it from her until things had settled down a bit with my grandpa but apparently his mom decided to take matters into her own hands. My SO, just recently got dismissed from his job, so he said he plans on just getting a job up here and moving when he gets one. Well, I told my mom this and she called his mom to tell her that she didn't want her thinking we were trying to force him to come up here. Well she didn't get a hold of her the first time. Well my SO's mom called my mom back and told her EVERYTHING! And I mean everything! She blabbed of our intentions, she said how I was planning on originally going to temporarily move down there until we got married and when he had his firefighting job still, we were going to stay down there until he got his training and then move up here for a while. Well she told her everything and she even told her that he was planning on marrying me. Well thanks to her, my mom got upset thinking we were being sneaky by not telling her but it was in her best interest and ours that I didn't tell her yet because it wasn't the right time yet! Now Im mad and upset at my Future MIL because she blabbed everything, hes mad at his mom and now we have to just face this head on now because obviously my parents probably lost trust in us, I have lost trust in my SO's mom and now its all topsy turvy. Good grief! I'm 23 for crying out loud, if this gets any worse were seriously thinking of eloping because having them feel like they can control our actions when this is our life, is just causing a rift between us all. Were adults, we respect their opinion but its our life and we need to make the choice on what we want to do, not them. Prayers would be greatly appreciated right now because I feel completely terrible about how my mom found out when his mom had no right to outright tell her everything we had been discussing.

[jamjam_7]

I feel your pain, my boyfriend wants to move here to live with me and he brought up the idea of that to his mom last night and needless to say she didnt like the idea. She told him she'd be mad at both of us if he moves here. We're secretly engaged too and neither of us has told our parents yet. My parents adore him and keep telling me I should marry this one but he said his mom would be mad because she'd think its too soon. We are both adults though, he's 23 and Im 21 and he says he's just going to wait til he saves up more money then move here and just give his mom time to get over it.

Your boyfriend's mom shouldnt have told your mom, that shouldve come from you. She probably meant well but still, it wasnt her place to tell your mom anything. By doing that she broke your trust.

[katiecat08]

Yeah Im 23, and my SO is 21 as well. The thing Is my mom has a crazy way of thinking and jumps to conclusions. Whenever my mom first spoke to his mom the first time, his mom kind of talked some sense into her. I'm hoping my mom doesn't hate me right now but I don't know and if she can get my mom to calm down and see our side of things then she is a miracle worker cause I cant ever break through to her.

[snow]

On the one hand.. I agree that it was not your future MIL's business to tell your mother about your plans, but I do think you're making this thing bigger than it is.

Your SO should let his mother know that you're adults and want to handle things the way you want to handle it, but other than that - just talk to your mother and let her know why you didn't tell her, get her involved now, talk about your plans and explain yourself - you're getting married soon, that's wonderful!!

On the other hand.. I can kind of understand his mom. It feels kind of mean to let one mother know everything and get her involved with your every step and leave the other mom out, I would feel bad for your mom too.

[temporaryuser]

why did your so loose his job? Will that effect him being able to get a job here? What about the firefighter training?
Maybe to his mom, these are the things she is worried about. As parents, we want what is best for our kids. We want them to discuss things like this with us. I would never want my child to jump into marriage without having everything in place.
Do you have someplace for you both to live?
YOU need to sit down and talk to your mom. Let her know you were not intentionally keeping this from her simply because you didnt want her involved. let her know the true reasons. Yes, she may get upset with you, and you may feel you arent getting thru. But it is more respectful for it to come from you

[Zephii]

You complain that you're adults, yet you handled the situation like kids. I too would be totally furious with the FMIL because it's not her place to tell, but you have to realise the kind of situation you were putting her in as well. Someone has recently put me in that position - protecting a secret that I morally don't believe I should be keeping, and it's pretty horrible. Besides that, it's not really your place to "protect" your mum by keeping her ignorant. You'd probably fly right off your handle about it if she did the same thing to you. She too is an adult and deserves to be treated like one.
Meanwhile, aren't marriages supposed to be a joyous thing? I'm not sure why you getting married, assuming she doesn't think your SO is a terrible match, would be putting more on her plate. Wouldn't it, handled correctly, have given her something positive to balance out all the bad things in her life right now?

Look, your intentions were good, but your execution was bad. The best you can do it talk to your mum and tell her that. Talk to her about why you want to marry, and offer her a special part in it to start healing the rift between you. I'm pretty sure eloping out of spite would just compound your problem.

[digitalfever]

I see this differently.

You made the decision to withhold critical information because you felt like your mother couldn’t handle it. Maybe she is the type to get mad or upset easily BUT if you want to be treated like an adult then you need to act like one. Part of that is communication and understanding that your actions or lack thereof affect people. In your relationship with your mother you are not the adult, you don’t decide what you think she can handle. If you didn’t want your mother to come to the assumption that you were being sneaky and deceptive then you should have told her.

Your mother has every right to know what’s going on in your life especially (from this post I gather,) that you’re living in her house. Your parents lost trust in you because you kept something from them. You kept something that was VERY important and as a result you removed their ability to process and determine how they felt about it on their own. You came to the conclusion that your mother couldn’t handle it and then kept it from them.

Next time, tell them what’s going on.

[lyonsgirl]

I'll be the bad guy here. I admit this will not be what you want to hear, so, if you don't want read something that's not "do it", here's your warning.

Don't elope. You want to keep your relationship with your mother in tact? Do. Not. Elope. Yes. You WERE being sneaky about it. Why didn't you tell your mom? I understand there's stuff going on with her dad - whatever that may be - you didn't have any reason not to tell her. You want your mom to like this guy, right? If I were your mom, I would not like him one bit right now. Mostly because the two of you didn't tell me that you had even talked about getting married.

Plus: why the rush to get married? You've only been together like, 6 months. 8, max. (I admit I don't really know how long y'all have been together.)
(ETA: oh wait. Now I see. You've only been together since May. Honey. You need to get to know him better. I know "you're absolutely certain" you'll marry him. Okay, so wait another year. THEN consider talking about getting engaged.)

Honey, you may be 23. He may be 21. Heck, you may both be 45. But you will ALWAYS be your mom's daughter. No matter what. She will ALWAYS be concerned for you, no matter how old you are. Yes, there is a time when you do need to "spread your wings" so to speak. Do you still live at home? If you do, move out. Get an apartment on your own. You want to be treated like an adult? Act like one. You're upset his mom "went behind your backs" and told your mom everything?

If I were your mom, I would be grateful that *someone* told me what was going on with my daughter. Now, I admit, I do not have kids. So, this is all speculation on my part - what I would do if I had a kid, kind of thing.

If you are truly set on marrying this guy, you need to forgive your FFMIL. You need to talk to your mom about it. Apologize and work on rebuilding your relationship with her. Be the adult here. Don't stomp around a cry that life's not fair and it was super mean of her to ruin anything. Your mom deserves to know. Sure, maybe not every single detail. But she should have been at least clued in on how serious your relationship is.

Anyway. His will be done. Relax, pray. Know that if it is not in His plan, He does have something better for you. It may not be in your timing (it usually isn't.... ha. ) but it will be okay.

[Black_Halloween]

I agree with Zephii and Digitalfever. I mean come on, wouldnt you want to give her happy news when shes down? You're creating your own drama.

[Brieasaurus]

You're creating your own drama.

^ This times 975345. And everything lyonsgirl said. You guys just started dating. You've never lived with each other and have had one (maybe two?) visits. SLOW DOWN. You've been given this advice on almost every thread you post, just try to enjoy what you guys have now and what can happen in time.

[abna1]

^ This times 975345. And everything lyonsgirl said. You guys just started dating. You've never lived with each other and have had one (maybe two?) visits. SLOW DOWN. You've been given this advice on almost every thread you post, just try to enjoy what you guys have now and what can happen in time.

Yes !
If your mom likes your SO, I also don't understand why this would be bad news. Unless you know that she thinks getting married after only dating for 5 months (with 2-3 visits), might be a bad idea. It' something to consider.
If you're both absolutely sure you want to spend the rest of life together that's great, but why not wait another year with getting married ? Why the hurry ?
You'll have time to get things straight with your mom and your FMIL and it will be a beautiful and happy day. I don't think eloping is a good way out of this.