Interracial Relationships ... and Asian parents! >_<

[Kitty Boo]

Peekaboo!

I'm an Asian girl with typical Asian parents ... as in the overprotective, controlling, judgemental type. >_< My mummy isn't so bad ... but my daddy is really very overprotective and controlling. As I'm in a long distance relationship, it's already pretty rare that I'd be able to see my boyfriend ... but what makes it worse is my dad is fiercely overprotective (as in he practically thinks that every male out there it out to rape you >_<) and he hardly ever lets me out. So I have to sneak around and lie to see my boyfriend, and I feel so bad about it... especially when I have to lie to my mum.

What's worse, my dad is the "traditional" type ... as in he is really quick to judge and always always sticks to his "tradition". He has this expectation of who I am, what I should be, what I should do ... and I really can't fulfil his expectations. I'm almost certain that if he were to find out that I was in a relationship, he would force us to break up ... and he would probably never approve of me and my boyfriend, simply because of the fact that he is not Asian. I know, it sounds horrible and racist, but I hope you won't be so quick to judge. I guess it's his "beliefs" ... he'd insist on "continuing the bloodline" and all this rubbish ... when all I really want is to be happy.

This will be very hard to understand for people who have never had this experience, but I was wondering if anyone (in particular Asian girls/boys) have had this issue and how they overcame it? How did you tell your parents about your boyfriend/girlfriend, and how did they react? How long did you wait to tell them?

Thank you so muchos. >_< x

[alittlemind]

Well I am not asian, nor do I have asian parents, but if you cannot tell from my picture, I am in an interracial relationship. I hate to think of it that way, because the colour of our skin and where we come from have never mattered to me, but apparently it matters to a lot of other people. My parents being some of them. Not that they ever said anything mean, but some things they have said have been borderline on that. I simply just corrected them when they were out of line (either they made my SO or I uncomfortable) and that was that. What I think is best is trying to get your parents to understand that just because they may not be from the same race as you, does not make them bad people, or unfit to be in a relationship with you. What is important is that he makes you happy. Once my parents realized how truly happy he makes me, the things they said began to fade. It was no longer about where he came from but who he was; and how much of an amazing person he is. I don't know how things are in your household, but I think it would be best to tell them as soon as possible. Maybe at first, just tell them little stories about him, don't focus on the fact that he is not asian or you're in a long distance relationship with him, but slowly tell them about how much of a good person he is, and that he makes you happy, etc. It might not be a step you want to take to fast, but invite him over once you've told your parents, and have them meet. They may feel better about it if they know who he is and have had the chance to talk to him. It might be a difficult process, but don't lose hope. Good luck, best wishes

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

I saw the name of this thread and instantly clicked it, haha.

After reading through your post, it's kind of like the story of my life. But it's the other way around for me. My dad is pretty care free but my mom is your typical Asian mom. In the beginning, I was really afraid to tell them about my SO so I would avoid the topic at all costs. But at some point, I knew I had to tell them, especially if he was going to come up to Canada to see me.

I found that telling them little by little helped a lot. Instead of bombarding them all at once, I told them tidbits here and there, wherever it fit into our conversation. I also tried to mention all the good things that my SO did and less of the bad so that they got a good impression.

I Skype with my boyfriend a lot, so letting my parents talk to him over Skype helped ease their suspicion that he was a rapist or something of the like. Just like you, I'm in an interracial relationship too and the language barrier held my mom back a little. She was afraid that she wouldn't be able to communicate with my boyfriend but he tried his best and my mom tried her best. They've had decent conversations, but I'm always there to help both sides out when needed.

After my parents heard/seen him quite a few times and saw that I was serious about him, they agreed to let him come visit me. He stayed at my house so that they could constantly keep an eye on him. It was nerve wracking for everyone, but it was a wonderful experience and my parents really opened up to him. He came back again this summer but decided to stay at a hotel. I feel like the fact that he came back let my parents know that he was serious about our relationship too. They even let me stay overnight at his hotel sometimes and I was able to fly back down to his hometown with him.

It really just takes lots of time and patience. My Asian parents have the same expectations that yours do, I'm sure. My extended family is super judgemental as well and always talk poop about my SO and I, even to my face.. but I just let them. They'll get over it eventually if you remain serious about your relationship.

I feel like I've been typing for an hour so I better stop there... :X

[Kitty Boo]

Alittlemind, thank you so much for replying and being so understanding. ^_^ So many people have never been in the situation and find it so hard to comprehend ... I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to think about it that way. What difference does our skin colour make? People say they're not racist, then they get all defensive about people in a relationship with someone who doesn't have the same skin colour as them. >_< My mummy's already told me that it doesn't matter what race the person is, the most important thing is that they make you happy and treat you well ... I agree 100%. My dad on the other hand ... *sigh* He will definitely be difficult. He told me years and years ago that he doesn't want me dating anyone until I was out of uni and had a stable job ... so by the looks of things, I'll have to keep it a secret for a couple more years. >_< Furthermore, I have practically never had a boy round at my house, because of the way my dad is. It's almost as if they're "unwelcome" ... They've already met him at my birthday party last year and my dad's chatted to him, but only because he was studying medicine ... *rolls eyes* But thank you so so much for your advice, I'll try to keep it in mind! You've given me hope that it'll all work out okay. ^_^ *huggles* x

[Kitty Boo]

Lovefrom2800milesaway, thank you so so much for your reply! Doesn't it really suck? That's one thing I really really hate about the Asian culture ... my boyfriend's family accepted me no problem and treat me like a part of the family. I feel so bad because I doubt I'd ever be able to say the same about my family towards my boyfriend. T_T

I've also done what you've suggested, just casually like I'd talk about any other friend. They've already met from my birthday party last year ... but they don't even know how much I talk to him because I feel the need to shut down all the windows whenever they come in, because I need to keep our relationship a secret. >_< My mummy also can't speak English, so that will also be quite difficult, but hopefully, like you, it will work out okay.

I really doubt my parents would let him stay with us ... they've never even let me go to sleepovers or have sleepovers at mine... I wish they would! I'm so glad it's all worked out for you, you sound so happy and it must be amazing to not have to live in the constant fear of getting caught ... especially with the gossipy Asian community that somehow all know each other!

Yeah ... I know even if my parents finally give in, my extended family won't, and the rest of the Asian community definitely won't! The culture is too judgemental and narrow minded! >_< But like you, I'm willing to face it for the sake of our happiness. I really hope you're right!

Hehe yeah you gave me lots of good advice and encouragement. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and help me! ^_^ x

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

Lovefrom2800milesaway, thank you so so much for your reply! Doesn't it really suck? That's one thing I really really hate about the Asian culture ... my boyfriend's family accepted me no problem and treat me like a part of the family. I feel so bad because I doubt I'd ever be able to say the same about my family towards my boyfriend. T_T

I've also done what you've suggested, just casually like I'd talk about any other friend. They've already met from my birthday party last year ... but they don't even know how much I talk to him because I feel the need to shut down all the windows whenever they come in, because I need to keep our relationship a secret. >_< My mummy also can't speak English, so that will also be quite difficult, but hopefully, like you, it will work out okay.

I really doubt my parents would let him stay with us ... they've never even let me go to sleepovers or have sleepovers at mine... I wish they would! I'm so glad it's all worked out for you, you sound so happy and it must be amazing to not have to live in the constant fear of getting caught ... especially with the gossipy Asian community that somehow all know each other!

Yeah ... I know even if my parents finally give in, my extended family won't, and the rest of the Asian community definitely won't! The culture is too judgemental and narrow minded! >_< But like you, I'm willing to face it for the sake of our happiness. I really hope you're right!

Hehe yeah you gave me lots of good advice and encouragement. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me and help me! ^_^ x

Ahhh yeah, my boyfriend's family accepted me with open arms too! They've loved me since day one despite the fact that I'm not Caucasian or even American for that matter. It's just a totally different culture and I can accept that. What else can we do?!

Mention him some more when he does something nice, or bring him around every now and then just to say hey and make small chitchat with your famjam! If you have any siblings, ask them to help you put in a good word too. I let Jason (my boyfriend) talk to my sister a couple times so that she could help me convince my parents that he's a good guy!

This year, I even brought Jason to meet my extended family. It was slightly awkward as they all speak Chinese and Jason knows next to none. But they were all very kind to him and tried to communicate as best as they could. When they see how happy he makes you, they'll cave in, I bet! I've known my boyfriend for 10 years almost and it's taken them THIS long to accept him and to accept us. They haven't come to terms with it 100% but it'll slowly get there. I'm not saying it's going to take 10 years for you cuz I REALLY HOPE NOT but if we can make it through 10 years and a tough Asian family, I'm more than sure that you can too!!

[princessmaria]

I'm not Asian but my LDB is South Asian and comes from a muslim family. My mother was the type of mom that didn't let me go to sleepovers or friends' houses, and I couldn't even bat my eyelashes at a boy. As soon as my mother learned about my SO and his ethnic background she was totally against us being together. She's gone from making rude comments and jokes about him to pretending like everything is cordial. About 5 months ago (after my mother kicked me out of her house because her dislike for my SO was that strong) my SO reached out to her and they had a really nice heart to heart. It was amazing to see her change her mind like that. I realized that she would never have done that based off of my words alone. I was advocating for my SO for the longest time, always telling her how great he is and having her reject it which is understandable. She saw my opinion as heavily biased and naive until she really sat down and spoke to him herself, then she couldn't deny it!

As for my Dad, he was a little skeptical at first too but he's always been more open minded. Speaking to my SO on his own helped him warm up to the idea as well. He has threatened my SO's life on several occasions and their relationship is still a bit rocky, but for the most part my Dad knows I'm with him and doesn't try to get in the way of it anymore. I think it would probably help if you introduced your SO to your parents. Maybe try to do it through a Skype call and don't immediately bring up the race issue. Just tell them that you met this guy that you really like and it would mean a lot for them to meet him, and while I'm sure at first they'll be baffled or possibly angry, be very firm and diligent. It might take time but there's a chance they will warm up to him if he's a really good guy. Your SO has to be willing to put his neck out there on the chopping line and you have to be willing to deal with the possible backlash. It took over a year for my family to truly accept my SO, but it was worth all the tears and stress.

[Kitty Boo]

Ahhh yeah, my boyfriend's family accepted me with open arms too! They've loved me since day one despite the fact that I'm not Caucasian or even American for that matter. It's just a totally different culture and I can accept that. What else can we do?!

Mention him some more when he does something nice, or bring him around every now and then just to say hey and make small chitchat with your famjam! If you have any siblings, ask them to help you put in a good word too. I let Jason (my boyfriend) talk to my sister a couple times so that she could help me convince my parents that he's a good guy!

This year, I even brought Jason to meet my extended family. It was slightly awkward as they all speak Chinese and Jason knows next to none. But they were all very kind to him and tried to communicate as best as they could. When they see how happy he makes you, they'll cave in, I bet! I've known my boyfriend for 10 years almost and it's taken them THIS long to accept him and to accept us. They haven't come to terms with it 100% but it'll slowly get there. I'm not saying it's going to take 10 years for you cuz I REALLY HOPE NOT but if we can make it through 10 years and a tough Asian family, I'm more than sure that you can too!!

Aww that's so lovely to hear. I wish that the Asian culture could do the same! If they can do it, why can't we? T_T

That sounds like good advice for the future, but at the moment, I am pretty sure my dad will declare World War III if he found out. I'll try to keep that in mind when I graduate and he might be a little bit more ... uhh ... accepting? (If that's even possible >_<) My brother doesn't know at the moment either ... not that I don't trust him, but he just sucks at keeping secrets.

That's really reassuring and encouraging to hear. I hope that my family will be able to do the same! I'm just worried because you know the Asian culture is often based on "image" rather than "happiness"! I'm pretty sure the first thing my dad, and probably my extended family consider when making any decisions is how it will affect that family name and image. They don't seem to care that this is what you want, that this is what makes you happy ... but I've decided that no matter what, even if they can't accept me for who I am, I'm not going to be anyone else.

Haha I really hope it doesn't take 10 years! I really really hope so, you've been so helpful and inspirational for me. Thank you so much! ^_^

[Kitty Boo]

I'm not Asian but my LDB is South Asian and comes from a muslim family. My mother was the type of mom that didn't let me go to sleepovers or friends' houses, and I couldn't even bat my eyelashes at a boy. As soon as my mother learned about my SO and his ethnic background she was totally against us being together. She's gone from making rude comments and jokes about him to pretending like everything is cordial. About 5 months ago (after my mother kicked me out of her house because her dislike for my SO was that strong) my SO reached out to her and they had a really nice heart to heart. It was amazing to see her change her mind like that. I realized that she would never have done that based off of my words alone. I was advocating for my SO for the longest time, always telling her how great he is and having her reject it which is understandable. She saw my opinion as heavily biased and naive until she really sat down and spoke to him herself, then she couldn't deny it!

As for my Dad, he was a little skeptical at first too but he's always been more open minded. Speaking to my SO on his own helped him warm up to the idea as well. He has threatened my SO's life on several occasions and their relationship is still a bit rocky, but for the most part my Dad knows I'm with him and doesn't try to get in the way of it anymore. I think it would probably help if you introduced your SO to your parents. Maybe try to do it through a Skype call and don't immediately bring up the race issue. Just tell them that you met this guy that you really like and it would mean a lot for them to meet him, and while I'm sure at first they'll be baffled or possibly angry, be very firm and diligent. It might take time but there's a chance they will warm up to him if he's a really good guy. Your SO has to be willing to put his neck out there on the chopping line and you have to be willing to deal with the possible backlash. It took over a year for my family to truly accept my SO, but it was worth all the tears and stress.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I'm really glad it's worked out okay for you now, it must've been horrible. But that's one of the big things I'm worried about ... he'll get so mad as to "disown" me ... he's really overly concerned about "image" and "honouring the family name" and he'll reject anything that goes against his idea of what it means to respect it. >_< Your SO sounds like such a wonderful guy, brave and strong. I know my boyfriend would do the same if he had to, but I really don't want to have to put him through it. I sometimes feel like I can't give him everything he deserves ... a caring, loving, accepting family from my side like he gives me, the time he deserves ... but he always says it's enough and he's willing to do anything to keep us together.

Thank you for your advice, I will try to stay strong when the time comes. *huggles*

[Freebird]

Neither me or my SO is Asian, however we are an interracial couple. To be completely, 100% honest, I forget about it. I forget we are two different races. And aside from the fact I'm American and he's British, I forget that there is any real cultural difference. The only time I remember it is when he cracks a joke.

To me, it just doesn't matter. At all.

Both of our families have couples that are interracial and kids that are mixed. So it's not a HUGE issue, although my mother (who is the only person I've told about my relationship), father, and grandmother have been known to make comments about how interracial relationships can be more difficult. None of them would ever attempt to stop a relationship based on that reason however.

If they did have a problem with interracial relationships, as an adult, I would completely disregard my parent's opinion. I love my parents and my family, but this is MY life.

I think the big issue may be your age. I'm assuming you are a minor? It can be difficult to do what you wish while under your parents house and rule. I hope things work out for you, stay strong!

[Kitty Boo]

Neither me or my SO is Asian, however we are an interracial couple. To be completely, 100% honest, I forget about it. I forget we are two different races. And aside from the fact I'm American and he's British, I forget that there is any real cultural difference. The only time I remember it is when he cracks a joke.

To me, it just doesn't matter. At all.

Both of our families have couples that are interracial and kids that are mixed. So it's not a HUGE issue, although my mother (who is the only person I've told about my relationship), father, and grandmother have been known to make comments about how interracial relationships can be more difficult. None of them would ever attempt to stop a relationship based on that reason however.

If they did have a problem with interracial relationships, as an adult, I would completely disregard my parent's opinion. I love my parents and my family, but this is MY life.

I think the big issue may be your age. I'm assuming you are a minor? It can be difficult to do what you wish while under your parents house and rule. I hope things work out for you, stay strong!

Hey! Yeah, I know what you mean. It doesn't matter to me, we're both members of the HUMAN race, and that's the only race I'm concerned about hehe. ^_^ I just wish everyone else would see it that way! As for cultural difference, well of course I notice it in my relationship, it's kinda hard not to! Hehe ... but it's not in a bad way, we both just acknowledge that we'll both do things slightly differently, and I have the added benefit of being able to speak another language! ^_^ It really doesn't bother me, at all.

Your family sounds quite open minded, I wish mine was the same! I think that the only thing making them "difficult" would probably be other people's attitudes and misconceptions about them ... and yes, I understand where you're coming from. I just hate that sometimes it feels like it's my S.O or my family ... and I really don't want to have to make the decision in the future. I wish they could BOTH be a part of my life ... but the way things are looking, that may not come easily...

I'm not a minor hehe ... but I do live with my parents ... and they still treat me as if I am a minor >_< Asian parents seem to have a control issue a lot of the time!

Anyways, thank you so so much for your advice and input ^_^ And also, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I also wish you the best with your relationship, and I'll try my best! ^_^