hopeless, depressed and giving up

[barret95]

Any of you get that feeling when you just feel hopeless about the LDR?
Such as myself I am having fights with my SO almost every day and then we ignore each other. It feels like the relationship is about to end.
My SO's betrayed my trust many times and I can't seem to forget about them, I have forgiven her and tried to get past it so I can trust her again but it just isn't working. It doesn't help we're both Depressed as well.
Like I don't even know why I get all monkey dam weird about my SO talking to guys and going to College parties. and it's really pissing me off that I can't be fine about this. I know that anyone's SO will be talking to guys/girls all the time and that can't be helped. regardless of what the situation is right?
When she doesn't message me back or even send me a text just to reassure me I get all these thoughts in my head that she's doing things with guys and ugh it's breaking our relationship. I've even suggested her things to do to help make the thoughts stop (things suggested by other people who posted in other threads) but she always forgets to do them.

Just now, I got angry and let anger take over me and I disrespected her deeply and I hate myself for that. It's all falling apart, after a weekend of ignoring her I feel like giving up on this relationship. I feel hopeless and useless about not only this LDR, about my life. I feel like such a failure and the fact I have trust issues makes me feel like a complete loser. I know I should be talking about this to my SO but I'm at the point where I feel like even if we do talk it won't solve anything

Sorry for making this complete useless post. I don't know why I wrote this thread, I just needed to get it out there I guess.

[SJ22]

Is the relationship making you more sad/depressed/angry most of the time?
Because I don't think thats a good relationship to have then...
If the good overrules the bad than it's OK

[barret95]

Is the relationship making you more sad/depressed/angry most of the time?
Because I don't think thats a good relationship to have then...
If the good overrules the bad than it's OK

It's completely amazing when we're together in person. but when we're back to LD that's when we have fights and often get depressed

[Kitty Boo]

I'm sorry to hear you're having trouble with your relationship. When you say she's betrayed your trust many times, could you give us some examples of how she's done that? As in, were they major things or just minor things? And given that your say she's betrayed your trust so many times before, it's understandable that you'd be a little bit paranoid. However, this paranoia, as you seem to know yourself, will tear you apart if you keep going like this. Somebody I knew got so paranoid with his girlfriend that he got so controlling and kept hurting her over and over again. There were arguments all the time, and in the end, she couldn't take it anymore and the relationship ended. I'm not saying that this is you, or will be you, but it would be best if you could let go of this, as you yourself already know.

I would suggest trying to get into the mindset that she isn't doing anything wrong until she reveals otherwise. As I've suggested to other people, if you must assume anything, always try to assume the most positive explanation. That means you won't get into a paranoid and accusatory mood and won't over-analyse every little thing to try to catch her out. In a situation where there could be both positive and negative explanations, try to think of the best one. This will help you get into the "innocent until proven guilty" mindset and hopefully help to ease some of these insecurities!

Now, it's totally unfair to expect you to do this on your own. You're going to need your S.O to cooperate. Rather than worrying and getting paranoid when she doesn't communicate with you, why don't you both try to set a time for communication? A time with no other distractions, just the both of you. It means she won't feel like you're suffocating her with your constant messaging, and you won't feel like she's becoming distant or ignoring you. Try your best to stick to these set times as much as possible.

As you've already said, it would make sense and probably be most effective if you could tell her how you're feeling. Maybe if you don't feel like you could openly talk to her about these things, why not try sending her an email or leave her a message to read somewhere? Try writing it all down like you've done here, and sending it to her. When you're not constantly going back and forwards and being interrupted as you try to make your feelings known, it can be so much easier. And it'll let her read and digest it at her own pace, and let her mull it over and really understand what you're saying. Write this when you are calm, apologise for the way you've been, and explain the reasons behind it. Don't write it when you're angry and frustrated, because this will come across in your letter and it won't do your situation any good.

Finally, the hardest part of getting over a problem like this, is realising and accepting that you have a problem. Now, you've already done this, and I want to say well done for doing that. So many people will be in denial and blame the other person for all their problems. But you've had the courage and respect to come out and say that you know you have a problem. You're already over half way there to solving this issue. Don't give up, I hope you'll manage to fix this. Stay strong!

[mcatherinetherese]

You need to have trust. I used to constantly worry about whenever my S/O went out-- Recently I"ve taken the stance where if he cheats on me or whatever 1) i'm going to find out somehow and 2) if he does then i take that as a sign that it was not meant to be and there is someone better out there for me. I have started FORCING myself to socialize instead of waiting for him to talk to me.... I definitely still struggle with trust, but I"m getting better... I even was able to handle myself when he went out to a bar after a funeral and his ex girlfriends were there! Trust trust trust. What else are you going to do ? It will drive you crazy if you don't just trust.

I'd suggest telling her exactly what you need her to do in order to make you feel more secure. If she isn't willing to try to help you out at least SOMETIMES then its not worth it. My boyfriend gets pretty angry when I ask him to reassure me... he thinks I should just trust him... so be careful how you ask. But if u let her know what makes you feel more secure and not be EXPECTING her to do these things she may be more inclined to do it. Idk if that makes sense- srry on alunch break but wanted to respond quickly!

[barret95]

Thanks for your replies! Helped out a lot!

As for examples, well. January to June, she totally ditched me when I needed her the most. and instead of being here for me she went out with her 'friends'. (she was in boarding school). yet she never even replied to my messages almost every night. I got the occasional text "Hey, I'm busy." just those words. And the thing is, she doesn't even see the so called 'friends' she played around with all the time now that she doesn't go to that school. (and she had lots of free time when she's not in class). I almost spent every night just waiting for a text back. So yeah
another example was.. we both did make promises of not 'liking' photos of girls/guys on Facebook (even though I didn't do that). And I pretty much found her liking photos of half naked guys with much more sexier bodies than I have ( yeah I know, it's a really stupid thing to be weird about, but i'm really insecure about my body, my looks and she knew that). So yeah, I guess that's what I meant by betraying my trust (there's other things though).
We were going GREAT until all the things above happened.
I have been trying to keep thinking "There's no reason to notupid trust her until she gives you a reason to" but Idk, it's not working.


And @mcatherinetherese I am socially awkward. I pretty much know nothing about socializing and when i do try, i always fail. And wow! if my S.O went to a bar with her ex bf i would be extremely mad. (simply because he abused her physically and mentally when they were together).

Whenever she tries to reassure me, she just says the same dam words over and over "you make me complete" and blah blah blah. If I DID really make her 'complete' then she wouldn't have done reckless things to betray my trust right?
the words are just getting the same old. Boring. I hear it every time she tries to reassure me and it doesn't make me feel better because she just says those words but does not show me that she means them. I have suggested things to make me feel more secure, lots of things. Yet she does not do any of them, she ignores every single suggestion.

[Kitty Boo]

Thanks for your replies! Helped out a lot!

As for examples, well. January to June, she totally ditched me when I needed her the most. and instead of being here for me she went out with her 'friends'. (she was in boarding school). yet she never even replied to my messages almost every night. I got the occasional text "Hey, I'm busy." just those words. And the thing is, she doesn't even see the so called 'friends' she played around with all the time now that she doesn't go to that school. (and she had lots of free time when she's not in class). I almost spent every night just waiting for a text back. So yeah
another example was.. we both did make promises of not 'liking' photos of girls/guys on Facebook (even though I didn't do that). And I pretty much found her liking photos of half naked guys with much more sexier bodies than I have ( yeah I know, it's a really stupid thing to be weird about, but i'm really insecure about my body, my looks and she knew that). So yeah, I guess that's what I meant by betraying my trust (there's other things though).
We were going GREAT until all the things above happened.
I have been trying to keep thinking "There's no reason to notupid trust her until she gives you a reason to" but Idk, it's not working.

No problem, we're here to try and help ^_^ Okay, from what you're saying, the way she was acting wasn't very nice and was kind of disrespectful to you as her boyfriend, but I wouldn't go so far as to say she's betraying your trust just yet. I guess I do understand where you're coming from - you expect her to be there for you as your girlfriend, and especially so in your time of need. Don't worry, I'd probably expect (or at least want) the same thing in that situation. However, sometimes we've got to remember that our S.Os have their own lives outside of the relationship, and we cannot be so demanding and expect that they will be whenever we want. (I'm not saying that you are, just trying to make a point)

It sounds like you're having a big problem with your communication right now, and that's making you uncomfortable. I can understand wanting to hear from your S.O as much as possible, but sometimes if we push too much, we may in fact push them away. Why not try setting aside a time to communicate? Set a time where the both of you will just sit down with each other and really talk. Perhaps even once ever second day or something - just so you have some personal time in between. This means that on your "off" days, the both of you can just get on with your life. She can do what she wants and doesn't have to worry about you worrying, and you can enjoy your day without that horrible feeling of waiting forever for a reply that isn't going to come. However, when that set time comes, then both of you should try your very best to keep the promise and be available to talk. Sure, it might not always be possible - things can happen at the last minute - but at least try. Hopefully she won't feel so suffocated, and you won't feel so frustrated. I know it's not exactly how you'd prefer it, but sometimes we can't get exactly what we want. Try to compromise and agree on a middle ground.

As for the other things about liking photos ... a "like" doesn't mean that much, it's just a click of a button! There's nothing wrong with appreciating somebody's figure, so long as she always returns to you. I mean, my S.O doesn't exactly have the body of a supermodel, and I wouldn't mind at all if he said another girl was pretty, because at the end of the day, despite how "hot" or "pretty" whatever guy or girl was, we still choose each other. That's just a demonstration of how strong your love and relationship is - you're still together.

I can totally understand being insecure about your body ... I think most of us are a little at least. I'm definitely not super proud of my body or anything, and I do worry that I'm not attractive enough for my S.O at times, but the thing is ... outer beauty doesn't last forever. You get old, you get wrinkly, you won't look like that forever. But personality never dies - the way you are, the way you treat people, it'll last much much longer than your looks. And if she loves you for who you are, then you have nothing to worry about. Because she loves your heart. It's what's inside that counts. Don't compare yourself to others - because you aren't them. You aren't meant to be like them. She's chosen you, not them. Try to remember that.

I hope you feel better about yourself and that this works out for you. Good luck!

[barret95]

@Kitty Boo

Thanks for all the advice!

I've been depressed all day and hearing my family talk about me and putting me down really makes it all worse. I even heard them ask my Mom if I was a mistake. I always feel I'm constantly disappointing my family.
What's worrying me more is that I'm (I already) have fallen into Depression again.
and yes, I do understand that my S.O has her own life but she was constantly ditching me even when we made set dates and times to talk. But that was January through to June so it's in the past.

Yes! we're having issues with communicating and that's also tearing us apart. I don't know why but whenever she sends a message I get annoyed by her.(I think mostly because we have so much unresolved problems and she's acting like it never happened).
It's just got to the point where it's too much and I just don't bother to care about the problems. I'm constantly just thinking to forget all about it and act like it never happened. (but that's a bad thing to do yes?)
She did choose to be with me for a reason, and honestly I think that reason is because I actually listened to her problems and 'saved' her life (so she says) . I don't really see any other reason.

but yeah, I will try to talk to her

[Kitty Boo]

@Kitty Boo

Thanks for all the advice!

I've been depressed all day and hearing my family talk about me and putting me down really makes it all worse. I even heard them ask my Mom if I was a mistake. I always feel I'm constantly disappointing my family.
What's worrying me more is that I'm (I already) have fallen into Depression again.
and yes, I do understand that my S.O has her own life but she was constantly ditching me even when we made set dates and times to talk. But that was January through to June so it's in the past.

Yes! we're having issues with communicating and that's also tearing us apart. I don't know why but whenever she sends a message I get annoyed by her.(I think mostly because we have so much unresolved problems and she's acting like it never happened).
It's just got to the point where it's too much and I just don't bother to care about the problems. I'm constantly just thinking to forget all about it and act like it never happened. (but that's a bad thing to do yes?)
She did choose to be with me for a reason, and honestly I think that reason is because I actually listened to her problems and 'saved' her life (so she says) . I don't really see any other reason.

but yeah, I will try to talk to her

Don't mention it. I really hope this gets better for you. Funnily enough, I know the feeling. You feel like your family just have such high expectations of you, and no matter what you do, they always want better. I know exactly what you mean. It sucks, doesn't it? >_< But the thing is, I know it'll hurt like hell, and it still does for me, but you need to learn to ignore it, for the sake of your sanity! I mean, you can't live your life trying to please someone else who can never be pleased. They'll compare you to other people and idolise others and never see the good in you ... but you're you not anyone else, and if they can't accept you for being you, then it's their problem, not yours. I mean, it still hurts when I know my family and others put me down ... but I just keep telling myself to live for myself, not anyone else.

It's sad to hear that .. I wish that wasn't the case. Have you considered getting help or talking to someone about it? I wish I could really help you. It sounds like there's too much unresolved problems in your relationship from the past as you've pointed out ... and this seems to be stopping you from moving on. Why not try to work the old problems out? Write to each other about all the things that are bothering you and send it to each other. Come clean about everything and let everything off your chest and into the open. Then you can work through it all together, erase the past and hopefully start again. And this time, both of you should try your best to stick to the plans, talk when you've arranged and keep promises as much as possible. And yes, like you're saying ... it is a bad thing to try and act like it never happened ... because the other person will never know what's bothering you and there'll always be something between you that's stopping the relationship from moving forwards. It'll be like the wounds from the past keep getting torn apart and never get to fully heal. So it would be best if you could both work through these issues together.

Maybe it was because you listen to her, but I'm sure there are many more reasons. You must make her happy and mean something special to her. I really hope this will work out well for you. If you want to chat, just PM me!

[barret95]

Don't mention it. I really hope this gets better for you. Funnily enough, I know the feeling. You feel like your family just have such high expectations of you, and no matter what you do, they always want better. I know exactly what you mean. It sucks, doesn't it? >_< But the thing is, I know it'll hurt like hell, and it still does for me, but you need to learn to ignore it, for the sake of your sanity! I mean, you can't live your life trying to please someone else who can never be pleased. They'll compare you to other people and idolise others and never see the good in you ... but you're you not anyone else, and if they can't accept you for being you, then it's their problem, not yours. I mean, it still hurts when I know my family and others put me down ... but I just keep telling myself to live for myself, not anyone else.

It's sad to hear that .. I wish that wasn't the case. Have you considered getting help or talking to someone about it? I wish I could really help you. It sounds like there's too much unresolved problems in your relationship from the past as you've pointed out ... and this seems to be stopping you from moving on. Why not try to work the old problems out? Write to each other about all the things that are bothering you and send it to each other. Come clean about everything and let everything off your chest and into the open. Then you can work through it all together, erase the past and hopefully start again. And this time, both of you should try your best to stick to the plans, talk when you've arranged and keep promises as much as possible. And yes, like you're saying ... it is a bad thing to try and act like it never happened ... because the other person will never know what's bothering you and there'll always be something between you that's stopping the relationship from moving forwards. It'll be like the wounds from the past keep getting torn apart and never get to fully heal. So it would be best if you could both work through these issues together.

Maybe it was because you listen to her, but I'm sure there are many more reasons. You must make her happy and mean something special to her. I really hope this will work out well for you. If you want to chat, just PM me!

It's so depressing that the people I thought loved me are actually disappointed in me. ANd you're right, I shouldn't care what they think, its their problem.
I hope it gets better for you.

As for me and my S.O there's a stupid person in class who tries to hit on every freaking girl in the class. EVEN when they already told him they have boyfriends. Gosh, I hate people like that, they have NO respect for the girl and the fact that she's happy. ugh. So I'm just trying to not think of my S.O doing anything reckless.
We've talked (well tried anyway) and we're just going to try and move on by helping each other. I've learned to talk about any problem that comes up, not to bottle it inside. I don't understand, when we're together in person it's amazing and I feel like I could let go of all the issues in the relationship. but when we're back to LD the problems get more and more serious and we fight more. : /
Well, I was the only one who cared about her. I was the first person she told me about her Ex boyfriend sexually, physically and emotionally abused her. SO I guess she trusts me with a strong passion. I think I get angry so easily is because I have so much hate and anger directed towards the Ex Boyfriend...

[Kitty Boo]

It's so depressing that the people I thought loved me are actually disappointed in me. ANd you're right, I shouldn't care what they think, its their problem.
I hope it gets better for you.

As for me and my S.O there's a stupid person in class who tries to hit on every freaking girl in the class. EVEN when they already told him they have boyfriends. Gosh, I hate people like that, they have NO respect for the girl and the fact that she's happy. ugh. So I'm just trying to not think of my S.O doing anything reckless.
We've talked (well tried anyway) and we're just going to try and move on by helping each other. I've learned to talk about any problem that comes up, not to bottle it inside. I don't understand, when we're together in person it's amazing and I feel like I could let go of all the issues in the relationship. but when we're back to LD the problems get more and more serious and we fight more. : /
Well, I was the only one who cared about her. I was the first person she told me about her Ex boyfriend sexually, physically and emotionally abused her. SO I guess she trusts me with a strong passion. I think I get angry so easily is because I have so much hate and anger directed towards the Ex Boyfriend...

I know [B]exactly[B] what you mean. And it is their problem, not yours. It's your life to live not theirs. And thank you so much for your kind words. ^_^

Oh once again, I know exactly what you mean! I hate those kinds of people too ... a relationship is between two people and nobody else. People can be so selfish and stupid. Try not to worry about that, I'm sure your S.O would not betray you for someone who can only be classified as a player. Just be faithful and truthful in your relationship and everything should be alright.

That's great to hear! I really really hope from the bottom of my heart that this will be a new beginning for you and everything will be looking up from now on. ^_^ I know what you mean, don't worry, that's completely normal! It's because when you're apart, you can't see each other as much and when you can't always be with them, doubt and insecurities and everything else can creep in. The key thing is trying to maintain good communication. Try to Skype with her, so that you can see her face, and how happy you make each other. It will feel much more intimate and personal.

You sound like a great guy. She is lucky to find someone who cares so much. And as you say yourself, she trusts you, A LOT. So just try to do the same. ^_^

Good luck!

[barret95]

I know [B]exactly[B] what you mean. And it is their problem, not yours. It's your life to live not theirs. And thank you so much for your kind words. ^_^

Oh once again, I know exactly what you mean! I hate those kinds of people too ... a relationship is between two people and nobody else. People can be so selfish and stupid. Try not to worry about that, I'm sure your S.O would not betray you for someone who can only be classified as a player. Just be faithful and truthful in your relationship and everything should be alright.

That's great to hear! I really really hope from the bottom of my heart that this will be a new beginning for you and everything will be looking up from now on. ^_^ I know what you mean, don't worry, that's completely normal! It's because when you're apart, you can't see each other as much and when you can't always be with them, doubt and insecurities and everything else can creep in. The key thing is trying to maintain good communication. Try to Skype with her, so that you can see her face, and how happy you make each other. It will feel much more intimate and personal.

You sound like a great guy. She is lucky to find someone who cares so much. And as you say yourself, she trusts you, A LOT. So just try to do the same. ^_^

Good luck!

No problem. like you said, it's not your problem, it's their problem!

Yeah! that's so true, but some selfish jerks can't count properly. I need to trust her like I use to. Considering I'm in a class full of girls (who I hear talking BullSh*t about me) I won't do anything on my side. never have and never will.

AHh! I'm glad that it's normal to have those thoughts! it's driving me crazy :'(
Well we're trying to talk now about the issues.
And yes you're right, I just need to see her face again :'3
Thank you so much for the advice over the past days! it's helped me a lot actually.

[Kitty Boo]

No problem. like you said, it's not your problem, it's their problem!

Yeah! that's so true, but some selfish jerks can't count properly. I need to trust her like I use to. Considering I'm in a class full of girls (who I hear talking BullSh*t about me) I won't do anything on my side. never have and never will.

AHh! I'm glad that it's normal to have those thoughts! it's driving me crazy :'(
Well we're trying to talk now about the issues.
And yes you're right, I just need to see her face again :'3
Thank you so much for the advice over the past days! it's helped me a lot actually.

Hehe true true! ^_^

Haha nope the can't ... but you're right. You just need to build that trust up again. I'm sure she thinks the exact same ... just keep up the communication, everything will be alright. ^_^ But that's not nice of the girls ... they sound horrible.

Aww ... trust me, loads of people in LDRs will tell you they exact same thing ... they'll be completely happy when they're actually together, but then problems start happening when they're apart because they can't see each other! But the key thing is, just keep up the communication, and the trust and stability will build as the doubt and insecurities fall away ^_<

I'm so happy to hear that! And no problem, any time. I'm just so glad that I've been able to help you.

[barret95]

Hehe true true! ^_^

Haha nope the can't ... but you're right. You just need to build that trust up again. I'm sure she thinks the exact same ... just keep up the communication, everything will be alright. ^_^ But that's not nice of the girls ... they sound horrible.

Aww ... trust me, loads of people in LDRs will tell you they exact same thing ... they'll be completely happy when they're actually together, but then problems start happening when they're apart because they can't see each other! But the key thing is, just keep up the communication, and the trust and stability will build as the doubt and insecurities fall away ^_<

I'm so happy to hear that! And no problem, any time. I'm just so glad that I've been able to help you.

I don't know. Yeah I hope everything gets better though. and I didn't really hear the girls talk crap about me, I just heard them say "I really don't like him" when I had a chat with them. I'm sure they bitch about me behind my back as well.

Yeah! It's just last night...we had a 'little fight' because she went over to a 'friends' house *I don't know who he/she is* and I asked if that person wanted to skype and see me (my S.O talks about me to her 'friend') and she said yeah. BUTTTT what happened was she totally ignored me for the whole evening/night. Turns out she slept over this persons house...
Wouldn't YOU want to send your S.O at least a text to let your S.O know you're alright and thinking about them if you were at a friends house?

[Kitty Boo]

I don't know. Yeah I hope everything gets better though. and I didn't really hear the girls talk crap about me, I just heard them say "I really don't like him" when I had a chat with them. I'm sure they bitch about me behind my back as well.

Yeah! It's just last night...we had a 'little fight' because she went over to a 'friends' house *I don't know who he/she is* and I asked if that person wanted to skype and see me (my S.O talks about me to her 'friend') and she said yeah. BUTTTT what happened was she totally ignored me for the whole evening/night. Turns out she slept over this persons house...
Wouldn't YOU want to send your S.O at least a text to let your S.O know you're alright and thinking about them if you were at a friends house?

Ahh ... well, that's their problem, not yours! Besides, it's not like you need their approval. Your S.O likes you, that's saying something.

Oh ... well that's something she'll have to work on. Next time, try not to be accusatory when you discuss issues like this. Don't tell her what she's done wrong, tell her how you feel. Tell her that it makes you worry about her, and how you would really appreciate it if she let you know the next time. It'll hopefully make her feel less "defensive" and as though you're accusing her, and a fight will be less likely to happen. Every couple will have arguments, but you can work on making them less serious. And yes, I would want to know, or let my S.O know in such a situation. So yes, I understand why you'd be annoyed/upset ... but try not to be so accusatory in your tone (if you are) and try not to let your annoyance take over. I hope that'll help you, and hope you and your S.O are okay! >_<