need advice v2.0

[kardin]

hello people of this forum

first: sorry for my crappy english but i'm not a native speaker.
second: this is going to be long so i apologise, i'm not good with words so i'd rather make it long and simple than short and complicated.

me and my boyfriend have had rough time lately because of me. he posted about it here a week or so ago (it doens't let me link it, says it's spam but the thread is titled Need advice by TurboPantsu). we've been together for a bit over half a year and he has expressed concern with my actions.

i have trouble making friends both irl and online, i generally browse sites with mostly male audience and if i make any new friends they're mostly male.
a few months ago i was approaced on tumblr by a guy i had just started following (he blogs about his experiences in my uni town, he's a foreigner) and we exchanged several messages before meeting up. he does this regularly, most of his friends are female and he often goes out with them. maybe a week before we met he told me he moved into an apartment on my street and it turned out he lives in the same house on the same floor as i do. he had no idea where i lived before that. we agreed on a day and met up on that day. i didn't see meeting up with him as a date but my boyfriend did. i didn't message him while i was out with this guy (we had a coffee, walked around a bit and i showed him my area) even though i said i would if i had a free moment but i didn't have any time alone so i didn't message him as i thought it would be rude. now that i look at it i don't think this guy would have minded if i had sent a few messages every once in a while. boyfriend messaged me fairly often and showed concern, i can see why he was worried but i didn't think it was a big deal. by the way, he knew i was taken and didn't flirt with me in any way.

i also went to see an old school friend in a different town and thought it would be a good idea to meet up with a guy i've talked to online since last november. he runs a humour blog i've liked for years and he messaged me on tumblr so i was excited to finally found out who was behind it. now i'm fairly sure he used to be interested in me but he never asked me out or anything as he knew i had a bf. i see him as a friend and i never tried to make him like me. i met up with him after a concert i attended with the school friend and we walked around in town. again, i didn't message my boyfriend even though i messaged him during the day. to make it worse, the last thing i told him was that the school friend deserted me for some guys and i was all alone. i should have sent him a message to confirm i was allright but i only messaged him when i got back to where i stayed for the night with the friend about an hour later. the guy knew i was taken and didn't flirt with me. the boyfriend was worried as heck and we had a long talk that night.

a week ago or so i got a message from a guy who i used to talk to and who lives in my town and we had a long chat. i usually go to bed with my boyfriend and we fall asleep together on skype or talk on the phone a bit before we fall asleep which is incredibly nice. he went out with school friends that night and i stayed up later to talk to my friend even though i told bf i wouldn't stay up late. he came home and i told him i had been up late catching up with the guy and he was upset because i had told him i would go to bed early but i lost track of the time. i've talked to the guy almost daily and the bf sees him as threat i believe since this guy is so much closer to me as compared to him (we're a bit over 3000 km apart). i've planned to meet up with this guy but i don't know if i should since it would only make bf feel bad. the friend knows i'm taken and hasn't flirted with me. the bf was away for the day yesterday and i was on a call with the friend as he wanted to test his microphone/webcam. the bf got back as i was on the call, messaged me and i said i'll talk to him in a minute. i wrapped up as soon as i could but it still took around 10-15 minutes as friend had problems with his software or drivers. when i finally talked to bf he didn't like it that i had ignored him for this guy.

(this part is kinda hard to understand since i'm in a hurry sorry)
we used to talk a lot at the beginning of the relationship as our classes kind of matched so we were out of the house at the same time. we sometimes managed to have 10+ hours of skype calls a day. i changed schools and our timetables suck now since my classes are in the morning and his are in the evening. i didn't talk to friends as much as i do now. he has told me that he is bothered by the fact that i talk to other people while we're on the call but i still kept doing it without even noticing it. this week he has told me that i check the skype icon often to see if someone has messaged me even though i don't notice myself doing it. what makes me feel the worst is that he feels like i value others more than him and don't always pay him full attention when we're on a call. when i am talking to people before the call and have a discussion going on i sometimes keep it going during the call too but i wrap it up as soon as i can so i can pay full attention to bf. sometimes people message me while i'm on the call and i find it rude not to reply but when bf sees i'm talking to others he feels bad and unimportant. we had a long chat at the beginning of the week and i don't talk to anyone while on the call now but he still says i check the icon too often. i could probably expand on this part but i have a bus to catch so i'll be back later to clarify and post more.

so please tell me, am i too thriven by attention from other men so i don't pay enough attention to my boyfriend? is he worrying too much or do i give him reasons to worry? i don't know how to improve but i have to because it's driving us apart and making both of us feel terrible. can we keep it going or would it be better for both of us if we called it quits? he's perfect for me and i love him but i keep making him feel bad and he doesnt deserve any of this.

[Turbopantsu]

I'm her boyfriend and I'm not gonna quote her post properly since It's too big.

For clarification, I got upset about the first guy because she was with him for 6 hours and went out for dinner with him. I didnt expect that, i thought it was gonna take 2 or 3 hours. Meanwhile i kinda freaked out while she was with him and spammed her with tons of messages saying I missed her and didnt want to lose her. She ignored them and that was kinda hurtful.

"the bf was away for the day yesterday and i was on a call with the friend as he wanted to test his microphone/webcam. the bf got back as i was on the call, messaged me and i said i'll talk to him in a minute. i wrapped up as soon as i could but it still took around 10-15 minutes as friend had problems with his software or drivers. when i finally talked to bf he didn't like it that i had ignored him for this guy. "

I had to go to the farm and had a pretty terrible day, only got back at 9PM and messaged her, she saw the message and ignored it, only when i messaged her on the phone did she reply that she would "talk soon". I found it very hurtful that she ignored me. In the beginning of the relationship, if I was out for a day as soon as i got home I would say hey and she would say "omg hey, its you!" but now she ignores me and it makes me feel unloved. Especially since she saw nothing wrong with talking to people while chatting to me but couldnt talk to me while chatting to him.

I dont have much of a problem with her being or talking to other guys, It's usually me that pushes her to meet new dudes and hang out with people, as long as she is reasonable about it, and so far she has proven not to. Going out for a few hours for coffee with a dude? Reasonable. Going out for 6 hours and have dinner with another dude while not saying a word to me? Not reasonable. I dont think it should be me setting these boundaries, I think it should be her.

[Turbopantsu]

members . lovingfromadistance . com/ showthread . php?18235-Need-Advice
Remove spaces to go to the thread i wrote about this.

[barret95]

It should not be her setting the boundaries, it should be the both of you. Discuss the boundaries and both agree with them.

[RachelAnne]

Yeah, I think this is something the two of you need to discuss. Something has to be done that makes both of you happy.

[Ejoriah]

You both say you talk about how you feel over those things, and that's great, but you also need to figure out what actions you can take so that the bad feelings can go away.

kardin, if you tell your boyfriend you're going to message him and then you don't, leaving him in a situation where he's worrying about you (eg, saying your friend just left and you were all alone and then not updating that things got better), that's unfair to him. Try to put yourself in his shoes and see how your actions look from his side -> girlfriend texts saying she's all alone in an unknown place -> girlfriend stops texting suddenly -> something must have happened to her. Also bear in mind how you come off to other guys. I know you said they're not flirting with you but you could just not be picking up on the signals (I'm not saying this to offend you - my boyfriend cannot tell when anyone is flirting with him, ever, at all.) I am also not saying you can't have male friends - just try to keep in mind the feelings of all involved and how you're coming across.

Turbopantsu, I understand why you feel ignored, but you're going to have to realize that you can't always be the one person she talks to and ignores everything else. Blowing up someone's phone with a million messages achieves nothing except make you even more upset that they're not responding. She has other friends that deserve some of her time too. Of course, as her boyfriend, you have priority, but you can't expect her to drop whatever she's doing immediately on the spot to talk to you. Although I think she could say something like "give me a moment to finish this up" instead of just ignoring you.

My advice? that you make time to talk on skype that's just for the two of you (no talking to other people) and then other times on skype you're in a call and can still do your own thing. Also to keep in mind how the other person is feeling and keep communicating about things. It doesn't have to be constant communication, but even just letting the other person know you're gonna be busy for a while helps.

[Turbopantsu]

My advice? that you make time to talk on skype that's just for the two of you (no talking to other people) and then other times on skype you're in a call and can still do your own thing. Also to keep in mind how the other person is feeling and keep communicating about things. It doesn't have to be constant communication, but even just letting the other person know you're gonna be busy for a while helps.

We did compromise on this earlier this week and agreed to have on hour or so when she comes back from class so she can do her own thing, I told her if she needs more time she can let me know and we do our own things for a bit more.

About me blowing up her phone, I am not proud of that and I did apologize. I cant help but feel bad for being ignored after a terrible day, and she did say she would talk to me in a min (turned out to be 15).

[Hollandia]

How would the GF feel if the BF were doing the same thing? Every couple is different but why does she not also have female friends? I would have an issue with it if my SO was meeting up with other women all the time, and btw just because there is no active flirting does not mean the other men are not attracted to her. They could be biding their time, becoming the ear to vent to and the shoulder to cry on. It is not a good nor healthy thing for any relationship for one party to be spending so much time with someone that may like to fill the other's shoes if given the chance.

She said she might crave men's attention, I believe that is a freudian slip and if this hurts her SO in anyway then why do it? Set limits and make sure he ALWAYS comes first and if he contacts you while out with them , answer him. You can say, Sorry I am out with so and so right now, would you like to talk to him too? Why are you keeping the two things separate? I have a few good males and female friends, if I am out and SO contacts me I bring him into the conversation instead of shooing him away or worse yet ignoring him.

Now, I will talk to you "in a minute" is a figure of speech and not meant to be an actual 60 seconds all the time. So, I think that was just frustration on your part and you apologized so that should be the end of that.

That is just my two cents worth.

[Turbopantsu]

Ok so my girlfriend and I have talked about boundaries and being reasonable about being with these guys but she said that she doesnt really know whats reasonable so she asked me to tell her what's reasonable and what isnt so I came up with the following:
while talking to other people online
1: No flirting (this is obvious)
2: No indecent themes, that includes them sending you innapropriate things or you talking about inapropriate things
3: Ignoring me
4:Spending way too much time with them
While talking to me:
1: Not talking to other people at same time
2: No checking skype icon every 5 seconds
While out with people:
1: Message me whenever possible
2:No dinner and no hanging out at home like we agreed
3:No touching other than handshakes and the regular stuff
4:No getting too drunk
5: No staying out with them too late or for too long
She agreed to all of these. However she says that she doesnt know what's "staying with them too late or for too long". I dont know what to say to that and she says she doesnt know whats too long so how do we fix that?

[Hollandia]

Ok so my girlfriend and I have talked about boundaries and being reasonable about being with these guys but she said that she doesnt really know whats reasonable so she asked me to tell her what's reasonable and what isnt so I came up with the following:
while talking to other people online
1: No flirting (this is obvious)
2: No indecent themes, that includes them sending you innapropriate things or you talking about inapropriate things
3: Ignoring me
4:Spending way too much time with them
While talking to me:
1: Not talking to other people at same time
2: No checking skype icon every 5 seconds
While out with people:
1: Message me whenever possible
2:No dinner and no hanging out at home like we agreed
3:No touching other than handshakes and the regular stuff
4:No getting too drunk
5: No staying out with them too late or for too long
She agreed to all of these. However she says that she doesnt know what's "staying with them too late or for too long". I dont know what to say to that and she says she doesnt know whats too long so how do we fix that?

That is pretty hard to say, setting exact time limits sounds a bit over the top. Did you also agree to these rules for her? If so, then you two need to negotiate what is a time range you can both agree on.

[Dezface]

It feels like both of you are having a lot of trouble figuring out what's acceptable in a relationship. OP-You are not respecting your relationship. You are putting other men ahead of your SO. Even if it's in a "friendly" context, it's not OK.

Turbo-Setting hard and fast rules is too much. If I had a set list of things I couldn't do, I'd do them just to prove a point. And all those rules guarding against "too much" of something, I can get why that would be confusing. Too late and too long are very subjective.

But OP you really need to just use common sense and figure out what's appropriate and what's not. I get that you have a hard time making friends. But there has to be a little voice in the back of your head telling you "hey, you've been out with this friend long enough. Time to call it a night and spend some time with the boyfriend." If you really truly don't have that, then I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

[Turbopantsu]

It feels like both of you are having a lot of trouble figuring out what's acceptable in a relationship. OP-You are not respecting your relationship. You are putting other men ahead of your SO. Even if it's in a "friendly" context, it's not OK.

Turbo-Setting hard and fast rules is too much. If I had a set list of things I couldn't do, I'd do them just to prove a point. And all those rules guarding against "too much" of something, I can get why that would be confusing. Too late and too long are very subjective.

But OP you really need to just use common sense and figure out what's appropriate and what's not. I get that you have a hard time making friends. But there has to be a little voice in the back of your head telling you "hey, you've been out with this friend long enough. Time to call it a night and spend some time with the boyfriend." If you really truly don't have that, then I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

My trouble is that she says that she lacks that common sense and asked me to tell her what's acceptable and what isnt. She was the one that asked me for hard and fast rules.
And I do agree, I do think that setting a time limit is over the top but when I said to just use your common sense to see how much is too much she said she lacked the ability to know how much is too much.

[Dezface]

My trouble is that she says that she lacks that common sense and asked me to tell her what's acceptable and what isnt. She was the one that asked me for hard and fast rules.
And I do agree, I do think that setting a time limit is over the top but when I said to just use your common sense to see how much is too much she said she lacked the ability to know how much is too much.

That's of concern to me. I can't tell if it's just an excuse or a serious lack of knowledge. OP-A good rule of thumb, even if it is cliche, is to treat others how you want to be treated. If there's something you would not like your boyfriend doing, don't do it yourself. Or would none of this bother you? If he were to meet up with female online friends and spend hours with them, how would you feel? Maybe this can give me a better understanding of where you're coming from.

[Turbopantsu]

That's of concern to me. I can't tell if it's just an excuse or a serious lack of knowledge. OP-A good rule of thumb, even if it is cliche, is to treat others how you want to be treated. If there's something you would not like your boyfriend doing, don't do it yourself. Or would none of this bother you? If he were to meet up with female online friends and spend hours with them, how would you feel? Maybe this can give me a better understanding of where you're coming from.

She says it wouldnt bother her. But then again, I didnt think it would bother me either until it happened.

[Chlo]

She says it wouldnt bother her. But then again, I didnt think it would bother me either until it happened.

Hello.
Sorry to be blunt, but I don't believe it wouldn't bother her. I'm guessing she just hasn't been in your position before.
I agree with Dezface, I'd start to wonder why she wants to act this way. It's not healthy for your SO to want to spend more time with their male friends than with you (her boyfriend). You'll just end up getting even more hurt unless you can get to the bottom of why she is prioritising them over you.

My advice is to, again, talk about it all. There is a reason she'll be acting this way. Just have to figure it out.
Best of luck!