need advice v2.0

[Safihre]

Pfff.. This thread is just a little offsetting.
Reading all of it just makes me wonder if you are both ready for LDR...?
Especially the girl just seems to like the attention but not the hassle that a LDR is. Her enjoying the attention of men that are closer over the boyfriend is just wrong.. sorry.
Having to set such a list of rules, of which most seem obvious, is just a sign that both of you have different views on how to handle it.

[sarahjane1992]

Pfff.. This thread is just a little offsetting.
Reading all of it just makes me wonder if you are both ready for LDR...?
Especially the girl just seems to like the attention but not the hassle that a LDR is. Her enjoying the attention of men that are closer over the boyfriend is just wrong.. sorry.
Having to set such a list of rules, of which most seem obvious, is just a sign that both of you have different views on how to handle it.

I agree with this. You have to talk with your SO and figure out a schedule and way to talk that works best. Me and my SO found a rhythm that works best for us. It took a little time, but we figured it out. And if you're exclusive, you shouldn't be spending so much time with other guys. Bottom line.
Also, I know people come here for advice, but since both people in the relationship are posting it's a little weird. They need to talk it out together. Not on this forum. That's just my opinion.

[Turbopantsu]

I agree with this. You have to talk with your SO and figure out a schedule and way to talk that works best. Me and my SO found a rhythm that works best for us. It took a little time, but we figured it out. And if you're exclusive, you shouldn't be spending so much time with other guys. Bottom line.
Also, I know people come here for advice, but since both people in the relationship are posting it's a little weird. They need to talk it out together. Not on this forum. That's just my opinion.

We pretty much already talked it out as much as we can... We just want advice.

[kardin]

thanks for the replies guys.

we've been talking about it a lot today and yesterday and i don't like what i've realised. i'm terrible to/for him and i don't know if i can stop feeling this way. every time i feel like messaging a friend i can't stop thinking about how attentionwhorish it makes me. this is my second relationship, the previous one was also a ld one and it's so different from that one. i'm not used to the idea that the things i do actually matter and that an amazing guy actually loves me. i'm taking it for granted. we have a beautiful future planned out but it's going to take years to happen and i don't want him to feel bad in these years, always worrying that i'm after other dudes or they're after me. i seriously hope we can work it out but if we can't i'm afraid i'm going to have to let him go because he deserves both short and long term happiness.

[sarahjane1992]

We pretty much already talked it out as much as we can... We just want advice.

I understand that. LD relationships are hard. Really really hard. I know if I was in your situation, I would not tolerate my SO hanging out with several girls like your SO is hanging out with several guys. There has to freedom to go out and have fun without "laying down the law." It's a balancing act of sorts.
Obviously, when we're apart we have to trust our SO's. We both are out and about around people of the opposite gender, but I'm not worried one bit about my SO doing something stupid. Either is he for me. We made a commitment and we're sticking to it.
It's a hard situation that you're in with your SO. I would say just keep talking it out until you both reach an agreement that's fair to both parties. Have you asked your SO how she'd feel if the roles were reversed?

[Hollandia]

thanks for the replies guys.

we've been talking about it a lot today and yesterday and i don't like what i've realised. i'm terrible to/for him and i don't know if i can stop feeling this way. every time i feel like messaging a friend i can't stop thinking about how attentionwhorish it makes me. this is my second relationship, the previous one was also a ld one and it's so different from that one. i'm not used to the idea that the things i do actually matter and that an amazing guy actually loves me. i'm taking it for granted. we have a beautiful future planned out but it's going to take years to happen and i don't want him to feel bad in these years, always worrying that i'm after other dudes or they're after me. i seriously hope we can work it out but if we can't i'm afraid i'm going to have to let him go because he deserves both short and long term happiness.

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

[Turbopantsu]

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

Honestly, while we were the ones who asked for advice and we try to value all of it, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion with what was said.
First of all:
" You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys"
What the hell. Is there a page for galfriendfinders in Estonia that she didnt know about? How did you think that was good advice? She does have trouble making friends and I know that.
"You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough"
I dont want her to choose them over me. She has the right to have a good social life. I want her to hang out and talk to them since there are things she cant talk about with me, as she has some interests that we dont share. The whole point of the thread was not because she talks to guys, its because in several (rare) occasions she has put them ahead of me. Rare as they might be, even one is too much.
"You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him."
Again, you must have psychic powers if you could read that from what was said.

[Hollandia]

Honestly, while we were the ones who asked for advice and we try to value all of it, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion with what was said.
First of all:
" You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys"
What the hell. Is there a page for galfriendfinders in Estonia that she didnt know about? How did you think that was good advice? She does have trouble making friends and I know that.
"You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough"
I dont want her to choose them over me. She has the right to have a good social life. I want her to hang out and talk to them since there are things she cant talk about with me, as she has some interests that we dont share. The whole point of the thread was not because she talks to guys, its because in several (rare) occasions she has put them ahead of me. Rare as they might be, even one is too much.
"You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him."
Again, you must have psychic powers if you could read that from what was said.

I responded to her response. When she responds if she wants I will respond again.

You are now back tracking on half of what you took issue with, if so. Then I am happy you are content.

[Turbopantsu]

I responded to her response. When she responds if she wants I will respond again.

You are now back tracking on half of what you took issue with, if so. Then I am happy you are content.

Never in any of my posts have I complained about her hanging out with guy friends. I said it made me worry, yes, but that's not the issue I came here to ask advice for.

[Hollandia]

Never in any of my posts have I complained about her hanging out with guy friends. I said it made me worry, yes, but that's not the issue I came here to ask advice for.

You complained about her ignoring you while out with them, you don't want her out too late, or too long. You felt a need to tell her not to involve touching or flirting or innappropriate things with the guy friends. You told her not to go out to get drunk with guy friends and go to their houses. You stated that she repeatedly checked for them on Skpye while talking to you. You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement. She stated that if she can't stop herself from being attentionwhorish with these guys enough to keep you happy she might have to let you go because she is being so terrible to you.

You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't. If so then you are happy with status quo, and so content and no more problems. I am not going to argue with you about this. I have seen it before, you make a thread and want to hear A and end up with B and so now your opinion is that the X that you stated was going on in your earlier posts are now really just Z.

btw...............Couchsurfer.com is a global community website that has local meet and greets for it's members all the time. They offer people a way to travel and discover new cultures as well as getting to know their neighbors. I would suggest it to anyone that wants to get to know their CD neighbors. Yes, they are in Estonia too.

Sorry you don't want to hear this, but again, my response is directed to her post, so I would like to hear what she thinks.

[kardin]

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

i choose him over others the majority of time, the times i don't are incredibly rare. we spend most of the time we're not in university together, we're generally on a call from the moment we both get home to the moment one of us has to leave. when we've been not actively doing something and just doing our own thing while on the call i have talked to other people but not because i need the attention, i'm interested in how they're doing. when we're talking and i check the skype icon it's because some of my idiot friends message me no matter what my online status is. i love my man to the moon and back and i didn't think he would be this bothered by it. i do lack common sense because i am a fairly simple person who hasn't done much interacting in her life. i've tried making female friends online but they all somehow fade away, usually because they get boyfriends. i get plenty of male attention from my boyfriend but now that several posts have implied i look for it i feel disgusted with myself whenever i think of talking to any guy who isn't family.
i'm not interested in dating other men, i'm not the one that has proposed meeting up. my guy is perfect for me and i wouldn't trade him for anyone and he knows it. we're both young and each other's first serious so's. we're both new to serious relationships so there's a lot to learn. i don't want to give him up but i would if it made him happier.

[Turbopantsu]

You complained about her ignoring you while out with them, you don't want her out too late, or too long. You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends. You stated that she repeatedly checked for them on Skpye while talking to you. You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement. She stated that if she can't stop herself from being attentionwhorish with these guys enough to keep you happy she might have to let you go because she is being so terrible to you. You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't. If so they you are happy with status quo, and so content. I am not going to argue with you about this. I have seen it before, you make a thread and want to hear A and end up with B and so now your opinion is that the X that you stated was going on in your earlier posts are now really just Z.

Sorry you don't want to hear this, but again, my response is directed to her post, so I would like to hear what she thinks.

Again, I am not upset about that she was out or talking with them, I was upset because she was talking to them while with me, that when she did go out she spent a lot of time with them and ignored me. See the difference? Nothing wrong with hanging out or talking to them but there is a problem in ignoring me or talking to them while we are together.

"You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends"
I know for a fact that she has never flirted or touched these guys. I felt the need to tell her that because in that list is included everything that could possibly bother me.

"You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't."
This is where you misunderstood. I do have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them. I dont have an issue with her spending time or talking to them in general.

" You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement."
I asked her to just be reasonable about hanging out or talking to them so she did it in a way that didnt bother me. She told me she didnt know what would bother me or not and asked me to tell her what is reasonable and what isnt. I made a list of things I dont consider reasonable. All of them. There are things in that list she has never done and I still dont consider them reasonable so I mentioned them.

[Hollandia]

Again, I am not upset about that she was out or talking with them, I was upset because she was talking to them while with me, that when she did go out she spent a lot of time with them and ignored me. See the difference? Nothing wrong with hanging out or talking to them but there is a problem in ignoring me or talking to them while we are together.

"You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends"
I know for a fact that she has never flirted or touched these guys. I felt the need to tell her that because in that list is included everything that could possibly bother me.

"You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't."
This is where you misunderstood. I do have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them. I dont have an issue with her spending time or talking to them in general.

" You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement."
I asked her to just be reasonable about hanging out or talking to them so she did it in a way that didnt bother me. She told me she didnt know what would bother me or not and asked me to tell her what is reasonable and what isnt. I made a list of things I dont consider reasonable. All of them. There are things in that list she has never done and I still dont consider them reasonable so I mentioned them.

If the two of you are okay with the list, then all should move forward. Her post was what I addressed and she mentioned "letting you go" so perhaps you need to talk to her again if you don't like the public arena and you feel that you only want advice to answer your OP and not any that might follow such as hers. I wish you both the best.

[Turbopantsu]

If the two of you are okay with the list, then all should move forward. Her post was what I addressed and she mentioned "letting you go" so perhaps you need to talk to her again if you don't like the public arena and you feel that you only want advice to answer your OP and not any that might follow such as hers. I wish you both the best.

She did reply to your post incase you didnt notice.

[Hollandia]

i choose him over others the majority of time, the times i don't are incredibly rare. we spend most of the time we're not in university together, we're generally on a call from the moment we both get home to the moment one of us has to leave. when we've been not actively doing something and just doing our own thing while on the call i have talked to other people but not because i need the attention, i'm interested in how they're doing. when we're talking and i check the skype icon it's because some of my idiot friends message me no matter what my online status is. i love my man to the moon and back and i didn't think he would be this bothered by it. i do lack common sense because i am a fairly simple person who hasn't done much interacting in her life. i've tried making female friends online but they all somehow fade away, usually because they get boyfriends. i get plenty of male attention from my boyfriend but now that several posts have implied i look for it i feel disgusted with myself whenever i think of talking to any guy who isn't family.
i'm not interested in dating other men, i'm not the one that has proposed meeting up. my guy is perfect for me and i wouldn't trade him for anyone and he knows it. we're both young and each other's first serious so's. we're both new to serious relationships so there's a lot to learn. i don't want to give him up but i would if it made him happier.

It sounds like you did look deep and you know what you want. You want him. He told what he expected and you have agreed to it. This should make it easier for you to not step over any lines and hurt him by doing so. Common sense is something that can be learned and not just born with. The more life experiences you have, the more you will acquire. Whatever does not destroy you only makes you stronger is true about relationships as well. Hopefully the two of you will move forward stronger then ever before and remember to always try to think of what walking in the other's shoes would be like when faced with such decisions in life. If you both truly love each other enough then all obstacles can be overcome.