Rough patch or signs of a breakup?

[misosoup]

Ugh good morning everyone.

These past two weeks of my relationship have been absolutely horrible. My boyfriend is a cop and has a demanding and stressful schedule. The week of the 9/11 anniversary he worked like three 17 hour days and so was very exhausted by the time we got to speak that night. I know its not me, but when he gets tired and stressed like this I tend to take it personally and feel that hes bored of me or miserable with me. After that week, he went out all weekend with his friends, but was sure to kind of check in with me every once in awhile.

Then this past week things just really hit a snag. He started becoming very distant and very quick to brush off my "I miss yous" or "I cant wait to see yous" Then towards the middle of the week we ended up having this huge discussion about our relationship and his life. He started saying how stressed he is with work and his graduate school applications and how his life is just one big routine and how he wants to please everyone in his life, but is just so busy with work blah blah blah. To me it sounded like hes just over the whole relationship because of the stress it adds. The next day we talked a little, but it just was kinda distant. Then the next day he was perfectly fine and normal. Being the genius that I am, I decided that that would be a good day to discuss how I was feeling about the relationship. This was at 1am.

My boyfriend, knowing how our conversations go at 1am, quickly said that we would discuss the next day. We sent like two texts back and forth discussing our relationship. But then he just totally stopped discussing it. Went out with his friends and kinda texted me little things throughout the night. He called me when he got home and we talked for 20 minutes and then I went to bed.

I just am so hopeless. I can't tell if this is a sign that we are breaking up or if its a sign that we are just going thru a rough patch. He has to work overtime today so I would rather not stress him out anymore with how I am worried.

I want to be able to give him the space he needs to figure out all his stress, but I don't know how to do this without growing further apart. Suggestions?

EDIT: This morning I sent him a text telling him that I and his friends would be here for him once he has settled everything in his mind. AlL I got back was a "Thanks, love you."

It just makes me feel like I don't know how to make him happy anymore

[Moon]

First - Just stop. Someone who just worked 17 hours, is exhausted, but still found a few minutes to talk to you, does NOT want to talk about the state of the relationship! He wants to hear what you did that day, laugh a little, de-stress, maybe moan a little bit, but that's all. He definitely doesn't want to talk about perceived problems at 1am, either. You need to understand that there's a time and place for these talks, and you're picking the exact wrong ones. Also, dissecting your relationship during every conversation becomes tiresome, boring and tedious for a lot of people. Unless there's an issue, most times you don't need to talk about it at all.

He's telling you he's tired and stressed, stop taking it personally, and help him by taking it easy on him; that would make him happy. For example, instead of texting him about how everybody will be there for him, try just telling him to have a good day. Good luck.

[TwoThree]

AlL I got back was a "Thanks, love you."

I'm not sure what more you're expecting of him. He made it clear that he is overly stressed with work and school, and very tired, and he still answered your message thanking you, and telling you he loves you, and yet you still lament and think you can't make him happy? You are being way too sensitive and negative about this.

And you have to give him the space he asks for. You're scared that it will make you grow apart, but if you don't the consequences might be worse than that :/

[Hollandia]

My SO gets stressed and exhausted with work and school too, I used think it was us. It really was just that. Moon is right. My SO and I did have that convo last year, he wants his time with you to be a break from stress not more added with some pressure to please you.

My advice is to make yourself busy. When he can be more him, he will be, until then do what you said, just be there for him.

[mcatherinetherese]

Moon,

You are very right and I get this. I will definitely stop pushing for anything from him for a while. He has complained that he doesn't have any time for himself due to demands from school work family friends and me.

How can I allow him this me time without creating more of a distance? Is it ok to just not text him for awhile?

[mcatherinetherese]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate the tough love haha sometimes I get a little too sensitive and you're right that can't be healthy for us. He just texted me asking if I was asleep since I wasn't texting him lol... Unfortunately now he's walking into work so we can't talk for a little but at least that shows he was thinking of me

[Moon]

Moon,

You are very right and I get this. I will definitely stop pushing for anything from him for a while. He has complained that he doesn't have any time for himself due to demands from school work family friends and me.

How can I allow him this me time without creating more of a distance? Is it ok to just not text him for awhile?

Giving him some extra time isn't creating more distance, you don't have to talk with someone constantly to be close to them. On those days you know he's busy, you can send him a quick email, or something, saying you're thinking about him, and you'll talk to him soon. Schedule some talk time, it's way better than text anyway, and have fun with your conversations; people often think everything has to be so serious all the time. Just relax and don't overthink things, enjoy your relationship and let him do the same.

[Hollandia]

Sometimes it is a really good to skip and day. You want to be something he looks forward to and not a chore he has to keep up with. I went to store and lost my signal on smart phone for a few hours the other day. My baby was trying and trying to get a hold of me but had to go to bed so we missed each other that day. I woke up to five I miss you and I love you texts and Skype IMs.

[Hollandia]

Giving him some extra time isn't creating more distance, you don't have to talk with someone constantly to be close to them. On those days you know he's busy, you can send him a quick email, or something, saying you're thinking about him, and you'll talk to him soon. Schedule some talk time, it's way better than text anyway, and have fun with your conversations; people often think everything has to be so serious all the time. Just relax and don't overthink things, enjoy your relationship and let him do the same.

This is sooooo true, my SO actually told me that point blank at one time. So yes there are times when serious is good but when your SO is pushed to the brink with other life stuff, that is not it. Ask him to do something light and silly be his release and give him that break he deserves. My SO sent me this https://orteil.dashnet.org/cookieclicker/
so we can "bake" cookies together. You also don't have to even talk all that much when hanging out, put on the same movie and watch it together, then he can relax and watch a movie but still be spending some time with you..... you can take turns with who gets to pick the movie.
My SO hates having to think when he at that point, so you pick one and he just watches it or you let him pick and watch his, no debates about what to watch and so no thinking, if my SO is really wiped I tell him he can have dibs if he wants it.

[srtd35]

To me he sounds tired and stressed out, right now he just needs you to be patient and supportive. I think it is difficult in ldr to know the difference b/c it feels like you are being ignored. I know I pull away a little when I am stressed b/c I just need some alone time to unwind or else we will just end up arguing over something small.

[misosoup]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Yes, its obvious that he is very stressed out. He has been having nightmares and everything. But srtd35 you are right. it is really hard to tell if its me being ignored or if its stress. We are suppposed to see each other this weekend for a college reunion. Since we have a different group of friends i'm not really expecting to see him the entire time. So my expectations are low... which means i won't be disappointed, but i could be happily surprised. Idk.. i'm sure i've had times in my life where I am totally stressed and cranky. HOpefully everything will calm down soon.

[Mims27]

Like Moon said, don't overthink it. That's when your thoughts just get more negative and worried. Not worth it. Give it time, things will most likely settle. Also, I just wanted to add that just because things are a little tough right now, don't automatically assume it's leading to a breakup. This passed year has been really hard for my SO & I and not once did we even think about breaking up. Hang in there, be understanding and enjoy the time when you are together.

[Okashleymay]

Girl don't worry! There are a lot of good things you said in your post that I think you might not realize!

-He stays open with you. Telling you how stressed he is and talking to you about his life shows that your someone he really trusts! I would be more worried if he was distant and DIDN'T tell you his feelings.

-He might be stressed and tired, but he is still finding anytime he can to talk to you! Thats a great things!

-He probably isn't discussing the state of the relationship because he doesn't want there to be any problems with one of the best things in his life. YOU! You are obviously his life line and through all this craziness in his life right now, he doesn't want to have any issues with you.

You guys are gonna be fine :-)

Also, take it from a girl who basically never hears from her boyfriend because of a variety of issues, keep busy and you wont be so preoccupied thinking about him and your relationship. It will help a lot.

[misosoup]

Thank you thank you thanks everyone

I am supposed to see him tonight. We have homecoming this weekend.. unfortunately that means tomorrow night he'll be w his friends and i'll be with mine. Hopefully Saturday we will be together a little bit though..... I think we're slowly moving thru the rough patch but is it possible that we just need to see each other to fully just move on from the rough patch?