Becoming a team

[Anonymous2]

I would like to seek advice from other couples regarding a pretty specific issue. My boyfriend is away because he's furthering his education, and therefore is studying basically all the time, either alone or with his study group.

In the beginning it seemed like we were both making an equal commitment to making time for the other person, keeping them updated with their schedule, and keeping an open line of communication. Lately, the only time we get to talk is at the end of the night right before he goes to bed..and he spends a good deal of that time texting his study group people.

I find myself in a very weird position because I want to do everything I can to support him in every capacity, but I also think that both people need to make an effort to keep the relationship alive. I know this is incredibly difficult for him, but I honestly feel like I’m the one who keeps having to adjust to his schedule. He did tell me before he left that he’d be busy so now whenever I bring up a problem he prefaces everything he says with “I told you this is how it was going to be” or “we talked about this”. It honestly makes me feel like I’m the one at fault, the weak one who needs to develop more independence and become stronger. I probably do but I end up leaving every conversation feeling like I’m putting too much pressure on him and making this more difficult than it needs to be.

I just want to know how to make it better for both of us. Should I back off and work on establishing more of a life for myself? Or if talking about it is healthy, how can I bring up the subject without it turning into a fight where he gets frustrated and I get sad?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I agree with you that both people need to be committed to making it work, and that it can be very difficult to do that, especially when life gets busy. My guy is working on his phd, and there are times when he's just so stressed with work and gets very busy. But, I'm we have talked about it and are (usually) aligned, in that he prioritizes me a lot, and moves heaven and earth to have some time with me.

Here's the thing.. if you're not happy with it, and he is of the "I told you it would be like this" mindset, the problem might just be that on a fundamental level, you guys don't agree about the amount of time/effort needed for the relationship. This isn't your "fault" for wanting more time, and it's not his "fault" for not giving more. It's you wanting one thing, and him giving another.

I think a lot of problems in relationships (LD or otherwise) come from the ways that we expect or want things to be done, and the ways our partners actually do things. It's about finding the place where those two line up.

I realize your bf is busy, but it sounds like he isn't in a place to prioritize you as much as you need, and that's going to leave you unhappy. If you keep bringing it up, it's just going to frustrate him, and he'll be unhappy, too.
Personally, my suggestion would be back off.. fill up your life with lots of friends and activities for awhile, see how you feel with those distractions, and see if that gets him realizing, oh, hey, she's not just sitting around waiting for me..and see if he makes more effort.

Good luck!