Two years ago I got into a long-distance relationship. I was determined that the distance should be closed or the relationship ended, one or the other, after a year. The best-laid plans, however...
Here's the issue. We have seen each other only 4 times in two years, for only a few days each time. I have gone to her twice and she has come to see me twice. The last time she came to see may was March 2012.
She is now afraid to come here because she feels that I am cheap and won't provide for her (never mind issues of whether she should provide for herself, just go with the premise that she needs someone to take care of her). She says that I will only pay money over her when it benefits me. She is afraid to move almost 3000 miles and then things go bad and she is left to fend for herself in a strange environment.
I don't consider myself cheap. I have offered to help her financially in the past but have met resistance. For example, she said she needed new tires for her car. On two occasions I offered to pay for new tires. She never followed through and in the end borrowed money from a friend in her area. She blames me for not having taken the initiative to ensure she had the tires, but from 3000 miles away it is not a simple thing to accomplish without her participation.
Another time she needed a new cell phone. I was able to arrange with my provider for her to go to a store in her area, select a phone of her choice, and she would not only have a new phone but she would be on my plan so she would not have a monthly phone bill to pay. She did not accept that offer because she was already on a plan with a different carrier and would be stuck with those charges. She said I should have thought to buy a cell phone and mail it to her (which I had not considered because I thought it was nice to offer to put her on my plan).
Another time she hinted that she needed a particular brand of soap ($10), and I failed to take the hint and get the soap for her. She felt that my failure to do this little thing was indication that I showed little concern for her well-being.
Now some of you may think she is a type of golddigger. For reasons not necessary to go into here, that is not the case and it is not material to the question.
Here is the issue: she is unwilling to come to visit me, because she needs to know that I will be there for her, financially as well as otherwise, and that until I prove to her that I will take care of her. She requires that assurance, which to her requires deeds, not merely words.
From my perspective, the only way this issue can be resolved is from spending time together, to allow her to see what a real relationship with me is like. Me sending things to her is not the same as living a relationship day-to-day.
So we are in a kind of purgatory -- she will not come here until she believes that she will be provided for in our relationship. I, on the other hand, need her to come here to show me that she really wants things to work out between us, and so I don';t get caught in an eternal long-distance relationship. I told her that when you are in a relationship with someone who displays a characteristic you don't like, you have two choices -- either break up with that person or stay with that person and see if you can help that person change that characteristic. But it is not an acceptable third option to freeze that relationship in some purgatory until you are satisfied that there has been a change.
Any ideas on how to break the stalemate?
Here's the issue. We have seen each other only 4 times in two years, for only a few days each time. I have gone to her twice and she has come to see me twice. The last time she came to see may was March 2012.
She is now afraid to come here because she feels that I am cheap and won't provide for her (never mind issues of whether she should provide for herself, just go with the premise that she needs someone to take care of her). She says that I will only pay money over her when it benefits me. She is afraid to move almost 3000 miles and then things go bad and she is left to fend for herself in a strange environment.
I don't consider myself cheap. I have offered to help her financially in the past but have met resistance. For example, she said she needed new tires for her car. On two occasions I offered to pay for new tires. She never followed through and in the end borrowed money from a friend in her area. She blames me for not having taken the initiative to ensure she had the tires, but from 3000 miles away it is not a simple thing to accomplish without her participation.
Another time she needed a new cell phone. I was able to arrange with my provider for her to go to a store in her area, select a phone of her choice, and she would not only have a new phone but she would be on my plan so she would not have a monthly phone bill to pay. She did not accept that offer because she was already on a plan with a different carrier and would be stuck with those charges. She said I should have thought to buy a cell phone and mail it to her (which I had not considered because I thought it was nice to offer to put her on my plan).
Another time she hinted that she needed a particular brand of soap ($10), and I failed to take the hint and get the soap for her. She felt that my failure to do this little thing was indication that I showed little concern for her well-being.
Now some of you may think she is a type of golddigger. For reasons not necessary to go into here, that is not the case and it is not material to the question.
Here is the issue: she is unwilling to come to visit me, because she needs to know that I will be there for her, financially as well as otherwise, and that until I prove to her that I will take care of her. She requires that assurance, which to her requires deeds, not merely words.
From my perspective, the only way this issue can be resolved is from spending time together, to allow her to see what a real relationship with me is like. Me sending things to her is not the same as living a relationship day-to-day.
So we are in a kind of purgatory -- she will not come here until she believes that she will be provided for in our relationship. I, on the other hand, need her to come here to show me that she really wants things to work out between us, and so I don';t get caught in an eternal long-distance relationship. I told her that when you are in a relationship with someone who displays a characteristic you don't like, you have two choices -- either break up with that person or stay with that person and see if you can help that person change that characteristic. But it is not an acceptable third option to freeze that relationship in some purgatory until you are satisfied that there has been a change.
Any ideas on how to break the stalemate?
Comment