Do you keep your LDR private? How do you deal with nosy people?

[coral&jade]

Hello everyone this is the first time here I post here. Feels good to know that others are going through the same things too.


The main question of this thread is that if you are very private with your LDR relationship and only a few trusted people know about it. How do you deal with that? Does it makes you feel bad sometimes?


Ok I am going to tell the story about how our relationship began here but you can skip it if you want. I don't want to bore you


Me and my bf met in a psychology and typology forum in October of 2011. We weren't really looking for a relationship there specially me who went through a bad experience with online romance years
ago but we became good friends with time and in the following year we confessed our feelings for each other. It was hard for me to take the relationship seriously because after all I was talking to
a stranger but I really enjoyed his company.


After coming from a long vacation in summer of 2012 we confessed our feelings for each other and he said that he was serious about visiting me but I still was not very sure about it. I was afraid of telling my parents about him and freak them out. I promised them that I was no longer going to date anyone from the internet. I did not wanted to deal with the stress of telling my parents and handling a LDR so I ended the relationship like a month later. He decided to date other people at the time. We started talking again on October (2012) .He told me he did not felt the same chemistry with those girls he was dating from OkCupid and he missed me. I missed him a lot during that time too.


After that we had our ups and downs until we finally decided to met on April of 2013. He spent the weekend in my country and I must confess that on the first day I was feeling nervous and uncomfortable perhaps I was just protecting myself. On the second day we loosen up and had lots of fun. We even had our first kiss in a romantic place.

On July we had our second meeting but it was longer. We spend a week together and had lots of fun. He even met my family and they liked him even though my mother did not understood him because of the language barrier but she got a good impression of him and was happy for me. He is American and I am Puertorican.


We have plans of spending Thanksgiving together but this time I will visit him. I should be feeling excited of seeing him once again but instead I have been feeling scared, nervous and pessimistic about our future. I have been trying to get a job close to him but with not much luck. I have gotten interviews via phone and skype and have not gotten hired. I also have seen a huge decline of openings from my profession. I don't see anything good online. I have been wanting a job not only to be close to him but to have a better future and become more independent but unfortunately things are not that good in the U.S like they were years ago where you could land a job quickly.


The thing is that he wants me to get a job close to him and that we live in our own apartments and date "normally" and see what happens. Since he is a christian he does not believe in living together before marriage which I understand because I am christian as well but this makes things more difficult because basically our destiny depends whether I get a job in his area which puts a lot of pressure on me. I want to do things right and I think is the ideal to not rush things and live together immediately. I don't want to leave my job until I find another job. But unfortunately doing things right makes it more challenging. I have a decent job and I am happy that I am working in the field I studied in college but the salary sucks and I am prepared to get a better job.


He says he is willing to visit it me constantly while we are apart but I don't know for how long I am going to handle the distance. I don't want to be like this forever. I just turned 27 weeks ago and I wonder if we are wasting our time and if its better to date ppl from our city but I know I won't find someone like him. He has good qualities I want in a man (intelligent, hardworking, good sense of humor, independent etc) and he appreciates me too.


Another thing that is troubling me is that I care too much about what other ppl think about me. I am extremely private person and I protect my relationship too much. The only people that know about it are my parents, sister and her bf. Nobody else from my family know and my co-workers as well. He is the opposite. His family, friends and co-workers know and they are quite supportive of our relationship. The people I know can be closed minded and judgmental specially my co-workers. They are extremely nosy and have criticized this type of relationships in the past. They think is crazy, dangerous etc. I also don't want them to think it's a threat to my job and that I am going to quit immediately. I rather keep things this way but sometimes it kills me because I feel I live a double life pretending that I am single.

[Dezface]

I'm not trying to crush your dreams here, but getting into the US on a job basis is going to be nearly impossible. It's a tough country to get into and they just don't accept foreign job applicants very readily. Your only real hope is to get married and migrate or get engaged with intent to marry and migrate. If you're not ready for those possibilities, you'll either have to be long distance until you are, or he can go to you.

As for caring too much what people think-lots of people struggle with this. I do at times. It was hard for me to tell people about my relationship at first because it seemed like I "relationship-hopped." But I sucked it up and did it any way. And I DID receive criticism and judgement and it really hurt. But you know what? That went away in time. People started to see I was serious and not just rebounding. And I had to tell off one particular person for assuming things that were untrue. We didn't speak for about a year but we're OK again now. It worked out and I lived through it. You will too.

I understand there's good reasons for keeping a relationship secret sometimes. But pretending to be single just to not face criticism from a relatively unimportant group of people seems at best, silly, and at worst, disrespectful. You should really think about how your boyfriend might feel about this. I would be hurt if someone kept me a secret for these reasons. You don't even have to tell anyone about it being a long distance relationship. Just the next time your dating status comes up, tell whomever you're seeing someone and let that be that.

[Hollandia]

PR is a US territory, do they have different rules? I know I don't even need a passport to go there.

[Dezface]

PR is a US territory, do they have different rules? I know I don't even need a passport to go there.

Hmm good point. I just assumed it would be the same. But perhaps not. In that case, you may very well find a job but whether it's one you want and in your field or not can be another story. Jobs are still scarce in the US. I still think your best chance would be at least living together.

[coral&jade]

Puerto Rico is U.S territory which means I am an U.S citizen and don't need a passport to live in the U.S. I don't need to marry an American to get a citizenship because I am already american. I can enter and leave the country anytime without issues.

I lived for a year in the U.S when I was a college student couple of yrs ago. I have all the qualifications to work in the U.S (professional certifications, state licenses, bachelor degrees). All I need is a company to hire me. It's obvious that if it's being hard for locals to get a job is going to be more challenging for me but I have a very rare profession that nobody knows about and it surprises me that there is no jobs in my specialization. A couple of years ago my e-mail was flooded with opportunities for jobs in Florida now I get a notification from employment websites once in a while and they are not close to my bf. Florida is huge. I don't want to be 4 or 6 hours away from him. I rather stay where I am at.


I secretly wish he could marry me in the future but I really have no clue what he has in mind. All he wants is me to move to Florida, get a job and live independently and then marriage. He has faith that I will land a job but I don't. He has told me that I should get a job in a different state and he can move there but I am skeptical about that. What guarantees he will find a job there. It's frustrating.



As for keeping my relationship secret well I do this with specific people like for example co-workers and family members such as cousins, aunts etc but I have posted pictures of me and my boyfriend together on FB for friends and acquaintances to see but I haven't mentioned anything about being in a long distance relationship. I am just not feeling prepared to tell the world now. Perhaps one day I will feel comfortable. I am too sensitive to peoples opinions about me.

I'm not trying to crush your dreams here, but getting into the US on a job basis is going to be nearly impossible. It's a tough country to get into and they just don't accept foreign job applicants very readily. Your only real hope is to get married and migrate or get engaged with intent to marry and migrate. If you're not ready for those possibilities, you'll either have to be long distance until you are, or he can go to you.

As for caring too much what people think-lots of people struggle with this. I do at times. It was hard for me to tell people about my relationship at first because it seemed like I "relationship-hopped." But I sucked it up and did it any way. And I DID receive criticism and judgement and it really hurt. But you know what? That went away in time. People started to see I was serious and not just rebounding. And I had to tell off one particular person for assuming things that were untrue. We didn't speak for about a year but we're OK again now. It worked out and I lived through it. You will too.

I understand there's good reasons for keeping a relationship secret sometimes. But pretending to be single just to not face criticism from a relatively unimportant group of people seems at best, silly, and at worst, disrespectful. You should really think about how your boyfriend might feel about this. I would be hurt if someone kept me a secret for these reasons. You don't even have to tell anyone about it being a long distance relationship. Just the next time your dating status comes up, tell whomever you're seeing someone and let that be that.

[Hollandia]

You are bilingual? If you are that should help these days into getting a job over most locals that are not. I would use that as a selling point at my interviews. As an employer I would love to have a bilingual employee.

[temporaryuser]

what is your line of work now? What did you go to school for? What part of Florida is he in?
Another option to consider is to get a job not in the same city as him. Granted you may not be able to see each other as often as you would hope, but you would be closer than you are now and may have a better chance of finding employment.
As for keeping the relationship private, there is nothing wrong with that. You dont have to lie and tell people you are single, but you dont have to divulge any more info about the relationship than you are comfortable with either. people judge cd relationships just as much as they judge ldr

[temporaryuser]

one thing to keep in mind is that employers feel like you would be expecting them to pay moving expenses if you move for a job. make it clear in either a cover letter or interview that you are funding the move yourself and that you are moving to better yourself.

[coral&jade]

Yes that is the biggest issue that the economy in the U.S has declined and there are certain changes that the current President has made that has affected the health field directly which has forced companies to downsize. Sometimes they just want to hire part-time or per-diem employees (which means they will call you when they need you) and that is not enough for me to live comfortably. I am looking for a full-time job.

Someone online once told me that I should take any job if I really love my bf but I really don't know what else I am good at. I want continue in my field for a while.

I wish he wasn't so strict about that and that he will feel ok about living together but sighs.......I guess he is very religious.

[coral&jade]

You are bilingual? If you are that should help these days into getting a job over most locals that are not. I would use that as a selling point at my interviews. As an employer I would love to have a bilingual employee.

I guess I have to keep trying. In Florida they look for a lot of bilingual employees. I have been lucky to get called by a couple of companies and have gotten interviews but I guess they feel skeptical about hiring someone who lives outside of Florida or perhaps the competition is tough. Maybe this is not the best season to look for jobs.

[coral&jade]

The name of my current professional tittle is long and weird lol but I am just like a type of medical technologist or lab technologist who works in a hospital performing tests. He is living in Orlando now which is funny because that city is full of puertoricans and I always considered it as a place to live before meeting him. He lives in a nice place and I wish to stay there with him but the job opportunities are scarce there. I have applied in cities nearby but haven't gotten called back. I guess is a matter of luck.


I guess you have a point. People are nosy with any type of relationship. I decide how much information I want to share with them and the rest is none of their business. It's my happiness after all.

what is your line of work now? What did you go to school for? What part of Florida is he in?
Another option to consider is to get a job not in the same city as him. Granted you may not be able to see each other as often as you would hope, but you would be closer than you are now and may have a better chance of finding employment.
As for keeping the relationship private, there is nothing wrong with that. You dont have to lie and tell people you are single, but you dont have to divulge any more info about the relationship than you are comfortable with either. people judge cd relationships just as much as they judge ldr

[coral&jade]

one thing to keep in mind is that employers feel like you would be expecting them to pay moving expenses if you move for a job. make it clear in either a cover letter or interview that you are funding the move yourself and that you are moving to better yourself.

True. That is a mistake I have done. I have asked some of them if they pay for relocation expenses and that probably scare them away. I guess I should keep that in mind next time. The economy is too tight right now and companies want to save money. They can even be hesitant about paying for the travel expenses of a face to face interview.

[Hollandia]

October is corporate tax season for many companies and it is also when the tax extensions are due if you filed one. I file them every year for my business so that I can make sure I have plenty of time to file the best possible and come up with the cash needed to pay the taxes due. This would be the WORST time of year for anyone looking for employment in my case. I can't speak for Florida, but yes Delaware has downsized many healthcare workers. That is my line of work as well. I cut back on half my staff a few years ago and won't be hiring any back for some time to come. I would suggest going to a temp agency to supplement your income and take what you can get as far as hours in your desired field. If you get a part time job in your field 2-3 days a week you could also take another part time job doing something else the other days. That way, you can make enough money to survive and yet not get rusty in your field. You could also look for renting a room or getting a roommate to save some money.

I would never pay for an applicant's travel expenses for anything. Those days are long over. It is not the companies problem that you need to travel to interview or work there, it is yours. Don't make the interviewer feel uncomfortable by even asking. I would not mention it all. If they ask about your living in PR, I would make it sound like it will not be an issue and you are not concerned about it. Don't give out too much personal information, no matter how friendly they are to you.

[coral&jade]

Now that I remember I did not asked any company if they payed for relocation expenses but it was a suggestion from my boyfriend to ask at the end of the interview. His company did paid him relocation expenses. He is originally from PA and his company was so interested in him that they paid everything but he is working for a company that is economically stable.

But I did asked one of them if they payed for the travel expenses to do an interview. A company called me the same week my boyfriend was visiting me and they wanted to interview me immediately. I asked for a skype/phone interview but she said no. I was a little put off by her attitude because she asked me if I was in vacation in the island and I said that I live here. I clearly stated in my e-mail and resume where I was from. I was just afraid to risk money on a flight and not get a job. I was on vacation for almost a month and I kind of regret not convincing her to interview me another day and paying the travel expenses myself but things happen for a reason. Not the right time I guess.

Thanks for the advice.

October is corporate tax season for many companies and it is also when the tax extensions are due if you filed one. I file them every year for my business so that I can make sure I have plenty of time to file the best possible and come up with the cash needed to pay the taxes due. This would be the WORST time of year for anyone looking for employment in my case. I can't speak for Florida, but yes Delaware has downsized many healthcare workers. That is my line of work as well. I cut back on half my staff a few years ago and won't be hiring any back for some time to come. I would suggest going to a temp agency to supplement your income and take what you can get as far as hours in your desired field. If you get a part time job in your field 2-3 days a week you could also take another part time job doing something else the other days. That way, you can make enough money to survive and yet not get rusty in your field. You could also look for renting a room or getting a roommate to save some money.

I would never pay for an applicant's travel expenses for anything. Those days are long over. It is not the companies problem that you need to travel to interview or work there, it is yours. Don't make the interviewer feel uncomfortable by even asking. I would not mention it all. If they ask about your living in PR, I would make it sound like it will not be an issue and you are not concerned about it. Don't give out too much personal information, no matter how friendly they are to you.

[SapphireFlames]

I tell anyone who asks, and I'm open that I have a boyfriend. I tell whoever wants to know all about it, because I don't get to talk about him much...