I've actually always prided myself in the ability to give sound advice to those who were having relationship problems. I'm not all that experienced myself, but I've lived long enough to know that communication and honesty really are important. So, I don't have a problem communicating with my girlfriend, and for once, I'm with a girl who I can be totally honest about myself with. Which is excellent, AKA: that isn't the problem either... Or, is it?
Well, My SO and I just basically have been having such an exciting yet super chill and peaceful relationship for the past 5 months and a half, to the point where no fight has ever broken loose. Actually, the "arguments" we have don't even seem like arguments as we more like simply talk, discuss, may get emotional in a teary way because we care about each other so much, but never really get aggressive toward each other type thing. That's good, right? I think so. Only, sometimes I think it's TOO good. As in, I think SHE is too good for me.
In general, it never ceases to amaze me in terms of how fortunate I am to, first of all, have met such a wonderful girl to begin with, and second, to actually have this girl as my girlfriend. She's the sweetest, most understanding, coolest girl ever as far as I'm concerned. And then there's me: older-but-not-wiser boyfriend of hers. I'm Pisces so I'm generally kind of(OK, maybe totally, lol) out there by default, but especially the last couple weekends, I've been reacting badly to the mistakes I've made. It's like this self-loathing mode that I didn't even know I had in me gets switched on somehow. Then I just start thinking in terms of "She'd be better off without me", "she'd only get hurt if she stayed in this relationship", "the longer we drag it on, the worse the pain would be for her..." And OK, I'll admit it, I also think, as the older party of the two, to the effect of, "I can deny all I want but maybe this is what they mean by 'an older guy manipulating a younger girl', therefore I'm a bloody low-life", "it doesn't matter how I feel about it, or how she feels about it, I'm older and therefore I'm automatically the bad guy", "I'm just corrupting her, mentally fucking her up without her even knowing", and stuff like that.
It's so funny because I otherwise always say age is just a number, and I otherwise fully support inter-generational relationship. But it's just that, with my girlfriend, I guess I just care about her so much that I sometimes can't help but think that I might ruin her if I keep her in this relationship. And of course, being someone who values communication, I'm honest with her about this, too. Maybe that's my problem, too. Maybe I shouldn't voice my concerns so bloody often. Maybe it's better to suck it up and not let her know what's bothering me WHEN they are bothering me. But then that would also go against the honesty thing that I think is also important. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm finally with the right girl. And because of that, I can't help but think that maybe there's someone better for her than an immature older guy like me. I'm like, why is she putting up with a creep like me, anyway?
Plus, and I won't really get into the details or anything, but let's just say I can be a bit "kinky"...and I sometimes feel bad because she is surprised to learn these things about me when our conversations steer in that direction. Then I find myself facepalming like "she must think I'm disgusting". The fact is that I'm a fuckin' pervert, let's just put it that way. Only, she digs me so much and it sometimes hurts so much because I don't know if I'll ever be able to make her happy, or ruin her like society says older guys like me usually do.
A unique situation, I suppose... lol Or maybe not. I don't know, I just wanted to vent more than anything else because I don't want to keep sounding like a bloody negative Nancy when I'm talking to her. Well, a Twilight Saga analogy: you know how Edward Cullen was supposed be this 100+ year old vampire, and he fell in love with Bella Swan, a 17 year old human girl? And you know how he perceived himself, and how much he had to suffer before finally coming to terms with his feelings, and the inevitable... I can totally relate to that, from the age difference aspect to being torn between what feels instinctively right, and what's societally "right"...to knowing that "it's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to", and everything else in between. Except I'm not invincible, and for that matter I must see to it that I'm the one who dies first and not the other way around.
But anyway, I guess someone who always assumed he knew the secret to a great relationship is in fact a total noob at the whole thing. Embarrassing, isn't it... *sigh*
Well, My SO and I just basically have been having such an exciting yet super chill and peaceful relationship for the past 5 months and a half, to the point where no fight has ever broken loose. Actually, the "arguments" we have don't even seem like arguments as we more like simply talk, discuss, may get emotional in a teary way because we care about each other so much, but never really get aggressive toward each other type thing. That's good, right? I think so. Only, sometimes I think it's TOO good. As in, I think SHE is too good for me.
In general, it never ceases to amaze me in terms of how fortunate I am to, first of all, have met such a wonderful girl to begin with, and second, to actually have this girl as my girlfriend. She's the sweetest, most understanding, coolest girl ever as far as I'm concerned. And then there's me: older-but-not-wiser boyfriend of hers. I'm Pisces so I'm generally kind of(OK, maybe totally, lol) out there by default, but especially the last couple weekends, I've been reacting badly to the mistakes I've made. It's like this self-loathing mode that I didn't even know I had in me gets switched on somehow. Then I just start thinking in terms of "She'd be better off without me", "she'd only get hurt if she stayed in this relationship", "the longer we drag it on, the worse the pain would be for her..." And OK, I'll admit it, I also think, as the older party of the two, to the effect of, "I can deny all I want but maybe this is what they mean by 'an older guy manipulating a younger girl', therefore I'm a bloody low-life", "it doesn't matter how I feel about it, or how she feels about it, I'm older and therefore I'm automatically the bad guy", "I'm just corrupting her, mentally fucking her up without her even knowing", and stuff like that.
It's so funny because I otherwise always say age is just a number, and I otherwise fully support inter-generational relationship. But it's just that, with my girlfriend, I guess I just care about her so much that I sometimes can't help but think that I might ruin her if I keep her in this relationship. And of course, being someone who values communication, I'm honest with her about this, too. Maybe that's my problem, too. Maybe I shouldn't voice my concerns so bloody often. Maybe it's better to suck it up and not let her know what's bothering me WHEN they are bothering me. But then that would also go against the honesty thing that I think is also important. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm finally with the right girl. And because of that, I can't help but think that maybe there's someone better for her than an immature older guy like me. I'm like, why is she putting up with a creep like me, anyway?
Plus, and I won't really get into the details or anything, but let's just say I can be a bit "kinky"...and I sometimes feel bad because she is surprised to learn these things about me when our conversations steer in that direction. Then I find myself facepalming like "she must think I'm disgusting". The fact is that I'm a fuckin' pervert, let's just put it that way. Only, she digs me so much and it sometimes hurts so much because I don't know if I'll ever be able to make her happy, or ruin her like society says older guys like me usually do.
A unique situation, I suppose... lol Or maybe not. I don't know, I just wanted to vent more than anything else because I don't want to keep sounding like a bloody negative Nancy when I'm talking to her. Well, a Twilight Saga analogy: you know how Edward Cullen was supposed be this 100+ year old vampire, and he fell in love with Bella Swan, a 17 year old human girl? And you know how he perceived himself, and how much he had to suffer before finally coming to terms with his feelings, and the inevitable... I can totally relate to that, from the age difference aspect to being torn between what feels instinctively right, and what's societally "right"...to knowing that "it's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to", and everything else in between. Except I'm not invincible, and for that matter I must see to it that I'm the one who dies first and not the other way around.
But anyway, I guess someone who always assumed he knew the secret to a great relationship is in fact a total noob at the whole thing. Embarrassing, isn't it... *sigh*
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