A Bout Of Low Self-confidence Hath Striketh

[Fretboard_Magic]

I've actually always prided myself in the ability to give sound advice to those who were having relationship problems. I'm not all that experienced myself, but I've lived long enough to know that communication and honesty really are important. So, I don't have a problem communicating with my girlfriend, and for once, I'm with a girl who I can be totally honest about myself with. Which is excellent, AKA: that isn't the problem either... Or, is it?

Well, My SO and I just basically have been having such an exciting yet super chill and peaceful relationship for the past 5 months and a half, to the point where no fight has ever broken loose. Actually, the "arguments" we have don't even seem like arguments as we more like simply talk, discuss, may get emotional in a teary way because we care about each other so much, but never really get aggressive toward each other type thing. That's good, right? I think so. Only, sometimes I think it's TOO good. As in, I think SHE is too good for me.

In general, it never ceases to amaze me in terms of how fortunate I am to, first of all, have met such a wonderful girl to begin with, and second, to actually have this girl as my girlfriend. She's the sweetest, most understanding, coolest girl ever as far as I'm concerned. And then there's me: older-but-not-wiser boyfriend of hers. I'm Pisces so I'm generally kind of(OK, maybe totally, lol) out there by default, but especially the last couple weekends, I've been reacting badly to the mistakes I've made. It's like this self-loathing mode that I didn't even know I had in me gets switched on somehow. Then I just start thinking in terms of "She'd be better off without me", "she'd only get hurt if she stayed in this relationship", "the longer we drag it on, the worse the pain would be for her..." And OK, I'll admit it, I also think, as the older party of the two, to the effect of, "I can deny all I want but maybe this is what they mean by 'an older guy manipulating a younger girl', therefore I'm a bloody low-life", "it doesn't matter how I feel about it, or how she feels about it, I'm older and therefore I'm automatically the bad guy", "I'm just corrupting her, mentally fucking her up without her even knowing", and stuff like that.

It's so funny because I otherwise always say age is just a number, and I otherwise fully support inter-generational relationship. But it's just that, with my girlfriend, I guess I just care about her so much that I sometimes can't help but think that I might ruin her if I keep her in this relationship. And of course, being someone who values communication, I'm honest with her about this, too. Maybe that's my problem, too. Maybe I shouldn't voice my concerns so bloody often. Maybe it's better to suck it up and not let her know what's bothering me WHEN they are bothering me. But then that would also go against the honesty thing that I think is also important. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm finally with the right girl. And because of that, I can't help but think that maybe there's someone better for her than an immature older guy like me. I'm like, why is she putting up with a creep like me, anyway?

Plus, and I won't really get into the details or anything, but let's just say I can be a bit "kinky"...and I sometimes feel bad because she is surprised to learn these things about me when our conversations steer in that direction. Then I find myself facepalming like "she must think I'm disgusting". The fact is that I'm a fuckin' pervert, let's just put it that way. Only, she digs me so much and it sometimes hurts so much because I don't know if I'll ever be able to make her happy, or ruin her like society says older guys like me usually do.

A unique situation, I suppose... lol Or maybe not. I don't know, I just wanted to vent more than anything else because I don't want to keep sounding like a bloody negative Nancy when I'm talking to her. Well, a Twilight Saga analogy: you know how Edward Cullen was supposed be this 100+ year old vampire, and he fell in love with Bella Swan, a 17 year old human girl? And you know how he perceived himself, and how much he had to suffer before finally coming to terms with his feelings, and the inevitable... I can totally relate to that, from the age difference aspect to being torn between what feels instinctively right, and what's societally "right"...to knowing that "it's an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to", and everything else in between. Except I'm not invincible, and for that matter I must see to it that I'm the one who dies first and not the other way around.

But anyway, I guess someone who always assumed he knew the secret to a great relationship is in fact a total noob at the whole thing. Embarrassing, isn't it... *sigh*

[kikidee]

Just wondering...how old is your SO?

[alizee]

Well , I am happy for you that you found a woman that meets your standards!!!! I wish you all the best!!!!
Just like you my boyfriend and I in our 5 months relationship never had an argument, we are both mature and calm persons .... but what I am glad to find out is that men have also fears and insecurities about the LDRs they are in. I thought I was going crazy about my relationship .... and I do have fears right as I am writing these lines about losing him ... I think I am jelous right now because he is at the mountains in a team building from his work with all his colleagues and his colleagues are mostly women ....
Just like you I think I have finally found a man that meets my standards, but I fear loosing him and from my view he is also a man that doesn*t know what he wants ....
I sent you a PM, maybe you can make some light in my mind, because you see things from a man*s view !

[miss_jaclynrae]

What is the age difference?

My DB and I are 9 years apart, I am 23, he is 32. He like you considers himself an immature 32 year old, and he is.
Emotionally and what not, he is right where he should be, but "life" wise, he is a bit off his timeline.
That being said, we are perfect together. He also has used the term "ruin me", which is a bit of a joke, since I am now the oldest 23 year old I know.

The age difference is nothing to us, we don't notice it at all, and like you have stated, we have always been up front and honest from the get go and it has made it so we have a truly marvelous relationship.
He gets in moods though too, as a recovering alcoholic he over thinks everything and you have no idea how many times he has said I should just break up with him. He knows its stupid, I know it is stupid, because no two people could be any more perfect together. We both go through out bouts of lows, and we are always there for the other to stand by each other through them. What we have is once in a lifetime thing, we used to think it was TOO perfect or good to be true... and now we know it is.

I can't talk about the sexual stuff, because my man and I are amazing boring [I love it].
As another poster asked? What is the age gap between you two and your ages?

[snow_girl]

I stopped reading half way though cause it was a bit too rambley for me, but as an older person in a relationship it is very important to live by the Campsite rule. The Campsite rule coined by Dan Savage, means in relationships with a large age disparity, at the end of the relationship, the elder partner should leave the younger in "better shape than they found them". This includes no diseases, no fertilized eggs, no undue emotional trauma, and whatever education that can be provided.

Basically even during the relationship, make sure you are doing everything you can to make her a better person. If you feel you are going to corrupt her, stop what you are doing and change it.

[Moon]

A 37 year old man probably shouldn't be comparing his relationship to anything in Twilight

I'll go against the grain here and say that age really can matter, if you're only talking about 10-ish years though, I don't think you really have anything to worry about. More than that, and you start getting generational gaps, which, in the long run, can make it harder to relate to each other. Also, more that that can make it so you're very far apart in where you are in life, making building a life together that much more difficult. You are, or should be, in very different stages in life.

I'm not saying that it can't work, I'm just saying it's a lot harder. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill either, but too many people around here have rose-colored glasses when it comes to love. You have to be very understanding of the difference in maturity levels, and realize you'll have less relateable experiences to share, but that doesn't mean you can't make your own.

Don't worry about the sex stuff, everybody has to get introduced somehow, you know? Be prepared though, if she's like 19, there is going to be a lot of people who are going to react pretty strongly. Some people won't care, but others certainly will. If you honestly feel that this is the right girl for you, then just go with it, and see where it takes you. It's not like older men with young women are something new in society. Good luck.

[OperaDiva]

I am also curious to hear how big is the age difference exactly. Not that there is a magical number that would be OK / not OK ...
I've always thought that maturity is not a function of age, and my experience and observations have confirmed that. I've dated both younger (2-3 years) and older (9 years) guys and I have friends that are in long-term relationships with people way outside of their age group. On the other hand I have heard somebody refer to 5 years as "too big a difference" for a serious relationship ... so it is strictly personal, just like everything about a relationship, really.
I hope I don't sound mean, but I am wondering how much of your concern is connected to you yourself not being comfortable with the age difference. If you want a serious relationship then a big age gap will cause some concerns at some point and it is normal to be wary.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I don't think age matters as much as the stages each person is at in their life.
For example, DB and I are both full time students, we both don't have careers yet, and overall our stage is right on par. Maturity wise, we are exactly the same too, although he definitely has different tendencies, as I am a bit more of a free spirit [which I really chalk up to my age] and he is the "grounded" one.

Wants are also a big factor, we both would much rather have a night in cooking together than go out to the bars, and tend to be total homebodies, which consequently lead us in the beginning to spend almost every minute together. The company of one another was all we really wanted, or needed. We both wanted a serious relationship, and both are looking forward to settling in to a comfy little life consisting of just us and in the future a little one.

It is when quite a few of these things don't align that problems start to arise, which I guess when I look at it now, means age really means nothing. I know some grown men who still party every night and in no way are looking to settle down, I know there are some younger guys out there who are...
A relationship needs many things to survive long term, the age is only a factor when other problems normally associated with age arise. The truth is though, these factors can come up when even with someone of the exact age group.

[Moon]

I don't think age matters as much as the stages each person is at in their life.
For example, DB and I are both full time students, we both don't have careers yet, and overall our stage is right on par. Maturity wise, we are exactly the same too, although he definitely has different tendencies, as I am a bit more of a free spirit [which I really chalk up to my age] and he is the "grounded" one.

Wants are also a big factor, we both would much rather have a night in cooking together than go out to the bars, and tend to be total homebodies, which consequently lead us in the beginning to spend almost every minute together. The company of one another was all we really wanted, or needed. We both wanted a serious relationship, and both are looking forward to settling in to a comfy little life consisting of just us and in the future a little one.

It is when quite a few of these things don't align that problems start to arise, which I guess when I look at it now, means age really means nothing. I know some grown men who still party every night and in no way are looking to settle down, I know there are some younger guys out there who are...
A relationship needs many things to survive long term, the age is only a factor when other problems normally associated with age arise. The truth is though, these factors can come up when even with someone of the exact age group.

You only have a 9 year difference, that's not that big, when you start getting into 20 years, age definitely plays more of a factor.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You only have a 9 year difference, that's not that big, when you start getting into 20 years, age definitely plays more of a factor.

Oh I totally agree, but I still think it is more of the difference in lifestyle, wants, and stages in one life that truly deciphers whether a relationship will work.

A 20 year age gap is definitely a huge difference, but if all of the above aligns, I see no reason as to why it SHOULDN'T work.
KWIM?

[princessmaria]

If she is a consenting adult it was her choice to date you, so you shouldn't put it so much on yourself that you're corrupting her or whatever. If she isn't an adult I'd be more concerned (by that I mean, anywhere in her teens). There comes a time in everyone's life where they have to start taking accountability for their actions. The fact that you have brought up the age differences and have spoken to her about how you feel as if you are corrupting her, goes to show that she's willing to take the risk of letting that happen. It's her choice (or mistake) and at the end of the day, you can't really change that.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Thank you very much for all your replies. I appreciate your inputs. :-)

To answer the most asked question here, she's 18. Although, believe me when I say that she's the more mature one of the two. Hearing JacklynRae's situation made me realize there are other guys who think in a similar way I do. So, thank you for telling me about your SO, JacklynRae. The fact is that I DO over-think, and I told my girlfriend that just earlier tonight. We had a very good conversation, and the bottom-line is that we're okay now.

I understand that, at 37, I should be at a different stage in life compared to her. But the thing is, I'm actually not. People who know me would often describe me as "naive" because they have good reason to. The thing is, this aspect of me I'm actually proud of in a way. I don't believe it's a bad thing that I can relate to a teen movie series like Twilight, because you DO want to be able to meet someone "who you can bare your soul to" and "who will accept you for what you are". Anything less, and you'd have to lie to your partner, or at least keep certain, important, things about you secrets. But with my girlfriend, I don't have to pretend like I'm someone else. We have both accepted each other for what we are, and it just played a trick on my mind a bit because it was a new thing for me.

Oh, and I DO apologize for the lengthiness of my initial post. xD Like I said, I just needed to vent. That, and talking to my girl earlier tonight, really helped. Thank you again to those of you who have taken your time to participate in this thread.

FM

PS - I will send you a reply message soon, Alizee. :-)

[snow_girl]

The fact that you have brought up the age differences and have spoken to her about how you feel as if you are corrupting her, goes to show that she's willing to take the risk of letting that happen. It's her choice (or mistake) and at the end of the day, you can't really change that.

I disagree. It is very easy to be manipulated by someone older whom you trust. When he says these things to her she may think she cares for him and that would never happen, It doesn't mean at all she is consenting to it. It is completely his responsibility to take care of her well being, if he feels he might harm her emotionally then he needs to be the adult and stop it. CAMPSITE RULE!!!

[OperaDiva]

It is very easy to be manipulated by someone older whom you trust.

^^^ This! When I read that she is 18, I thought that even Catherine Zeta Jones was almost 30 when she married Michael Douglas ... And there is a reason that an 18-year old is often referred to as "girl" and a 40-year old is never called "boy", unless you are speaking to a 70-year old or something. There is a lot a woman learns about herself, her boundaries, her comfort zone, and life in general between 18 and 28 (my age now). Whether or not you consider yourself "naive" it is a matter of responsibility and maturity to let her grow.

[Hollandia]

I speak as a mother of a daughter not far away from your SO's age. I would be more afraid that you think you are on same page but you are not. She is 18. She is just starting her life as an adult. You might be young at heart and still in school but you are not an 18 year and if you have the mentality of one at your age, then that is a problem. As you progress through life and go through the ups and downs you pick up knowledge and wisdom. Everyone thinks they are more mature when they are young and youthful when older. Most of us are just kidding ourselves we are the age we are. Can relationships overcome that? Sure. The truth is the bigger the age difference the harder it gets. I wish you the best.