SO Traveling Abroad With Ex?

[RachelAnne]

Hello. So I'm a little wound up right now and I need some advice...and I need for someone to tell me if I'm being completely irrational or not. So my boyfriend is spending next semester abroad in London. I've been knowing about this for quite some time, but I've been trying not to dwell on it because I know it will be a lot harder for us to talk. However, just tonight I was informed his ex is going with him and they'll be taking the same classes together. I'm not sure how I feel about this--and I'm not sure I'm happy that he didn't tell me until just now. Not only this, but she doesn't even know about me...and when I tried telling him it would make me feel better if he told her he was seeing someone, he basically said he was a personal person and preferred to not share his personal life with other people. (??) I completely understand this if it wasn't his ex--who he'll be seeing every day and talking to a lot more than me. It just bothers me that they'll be going into this together and i'll be left alone back here. Am I wrong to be uncomfortable with this?

[snow_girl]

Yes and no. It sounds like he is going over for school, rather then just the two of them going off on a trip. I definitely wouldn't be cool with her not knowing about you though.

[rubydissolution]

Being someone who is friends with a few exes I have some questions. Has he been close with her this whole time? Did they date while he was in college with similar areas of study? How long has it been since they dated? Were they friends before they dated? If so for how long?

The answers to these questions would determine how I would feel towards it. Though him not being willing to tell her ur dating is a red flag for me. Or they just aren't close enough to the point where he feels the need to tell her. If they are close I'd be a little concerned.

[RachelAnne]

Yes, from what he's told me, they've been pretty close friends before and after they dated. Their relationship didn't last long, and he ended things with her...which makes me wonder if maybe she still has feelings for him. And yes, they're both art majors...so needless to stay they spend quite a lot of time together and they're interested in the same things.

I'm just hurt that when I asked him if he could make it known that I exist, he basically told me no. Actually he did tell me no--in all caps--and said he's not one to share his personal life with people. I just feel like she, as his ex, should know he's seeing somebody. I don't know. He seems to think I'm blowing this way out of proportion. Maybe I am. Something just doesn't feel right.

[folclor]

I'll second snow_girl's answer but add a little on...

You've met each other in person (at least, judging by your profile) which means you're somehow physically part of his life. I don't know how many of his friends or family members you've met (or vice versa) but there's some trace of you in his life. At least... there should be. So him being personal is a little bit of an excuse.

But, more to the point... How friendly is he with his ex? Are they now just... cordial to each other and tolerate the presence of one another? Are they friends? How long have y'all been together? How long ago did they break up? Because if he just tolerates her presence I'd say there's not much to worry about. And I also know of cases where people broke up, remained friends and never had a romantic interlude again.

However, were I in your shoes I'd be livid. You could bring up, again, that it's important to you that she, if no one else, knows you're dating.

Considering it's some sort of study abroad thing and those aren't too long, I'd suggest setting some clear boundaries with him as well as defined talking times for the two of you. The most important thing you have to remember, though, is you can only control yourself in this situation.

[rubydissolution]

Since they share the same area of study and are still close it wouldn't surprise me that they would both want to get into a study abroad program. It's an amazing opportunity. That being said if they are still close I don't understand why he wouldn't share with her that he is seeing someone. That's just weird. You tend to share these things with those you are close with. Especially when you are good friends before you attempt to date.

Then again their relationship only lasted a few months. They probably decided they are better off friends then bf n gf. It has happened to me before.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Red flags like crazy.




I would never in a million years put up with that. He doesn't want to tell her he is taken!?!?!
HELL NO.
I don't have much advice, but with the information you have given, I would seriously consider ending the relationship.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Yes, from what he's told me, they've been pretty close friends before and after they dated. Their relationship didn't last long, and he ended things with her...which makes me wonder if maybe she still has feelings for him. And yes, they're both art majors...so needless to stay they spend quite a lot of time together and they're interested in the same things.

I'm just hurt that when I asked him if he could make it known that I exist, he basically told me no. Actually he did tell me no--in all caps--and said he's not one to share his personal life with people. I just feel like she, as his ex, should know he's seeing somebody. I don't know. He seems to think I'm blowing this way out of proportion. Maybe I am. Something just doesn't feel right.

Women have intuition for a reason. Don't let him think you are blowing it out of proportion... because you aren't.

[Dezface]

I would not at all be comfortable with the situation. I'm usuall fairly tolerant of "friends with the ex" situations but this one has red flags to me. He's going to be spending a whole lot of time with a woman he used to date and refuses to tell her about you. No way would that work for me.

I'm not sure what I would do but I wouldn't sit on the sidelines while this happens.

[80anthea]

I do think it's strange that he won't tell her about you. So what if he doesn't like talking about personal things, he doesn't have to tell her intimate details just that you exist and are important to him.

[Black_Halloween]

If they're so close why won't he tell her about you? Red flags there...

[snow]

I find nothing out of the ordinary that they both do the same courses abroad which is probably just in the best interest for both since they are both art majors. I don't really know if I needed my man to tell his ex that he is taken. I think I would just leave it up to him if he needs to, you know? If they are friends and maybe don't share this kind of information then that's that.
I do find it a bit weird, that he acts so defensive about it (eg. NO and I'm a personal person).

[lucybelle]

Going abroad to the same school with an ex? - Not ideal, but really no issue.
Not telling an ex you exist? - Major problems.

I've met plenty of my SO's exes and he always starts with "hey, this is my wife"

[nicole]

I think it's kind of crappy he sprung this on you, unless she decided she was going last minute? I know they're not going on a vacation together, but it is concerning he refuses to tell her about you.

My SO does not talk about his private life with others; he keeps a lot even from his best friend, but he's always been open about our relationship. It is a tool to set boundaries with other women for one thing; get the "I'm in a relationship" out there early on so we can bypass any awkward misunderstandings. Its difficult because you don't know what this means exactly to her. Has he indicated that she's shown interest in him since they've broken up?

[RachelAnne]

He's thinks I'm insane for being uncomfortable with this. It's like he doesn't get it. I told him it was very suspicious that he wasn't willing to tell this girl he's with somebody, even after I asked and made it clear why I didn't like it. I'm also not that comfortable with the idea that he'll be with her all the time, and I'll hardly get to talk to him at all...I'm worried i'll just fall off his radar.