He lied about hanging out with a female friend

[damheet]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for around 9 months. Three weeks ago he moved away. He has several female friends in his new area, some I've met, others I haven't. Before he left I told him I wasn't comfortable with him hanging out with female friends I hadn't met yet, and that if he wanted to see them, to try and make them a group activity so I could feel more comfortable and to always let me know. He agreed. Last weekend, he came back for a visit and I was looking up an address for our date on his phone and the address for one of his female friends I hadn't met yet popped up on the map. He hadn't mentioned her at all during the time he'd been gone, and I was under the impression that he'd only been hanging out with his male friends (because they're the only ones he'd mentioned). After our date, I gave him an opportunity to come clean by reiterating that it was okay for him to see his female friends and by asking him who he'd been hanging out with all this time. Again, he told me he'd only seen his male friends. The next morning I asked him point blank if he had seen her and told him I had seen the address and he finally admitted that he had seen her twice and another friend was there both times. He told me he didn't tell me because he was under the impression that I wasn't ok with him seeing her at all and he didn't want to make me uncomfortable. I have two issues with this:

1) He lied to me about hanging out with another girl. Before he left, he never did this. He was always up front and honest about his female friends. I always appreciated his honesty and let him know so. I've also been easy going on his issue. I even like the female friends that I've met. This is the only time he's ever done this, which makes me wonder if maybe there's something else going on. He says she's just a friend, but how can I know that for sure?

2) He was under the impression that I didn't want him hanging out with female friends I hadn't met at all, and he went ahead and did it anyway. In fact, it was the day after he got there. Does this show a lack of respect for me?

I've talked to him about it, let him know that lying is unacceptable is all circumstances, ESPECIALLY if it's something I may feel uncomfortable about. For me, feeling uncomfortable is preferable to feeling deeply hurt and angry (as I feel now). I've asked several questions about her, trying to understand why he'd lie. He had dated her once before, appx. 15 years ago and said that she's been an issue in every single one of his relationships and he doesn't know why. He swears he has no feelings for her and she has none for him, after all, they're both in committed relationships. I've already caught him in a lie, a really bad one in my opinion. I'm finding it very difficult to believe anything he says. I do love him and he was an excellent boyfriend before this. In fact, honesty was one of his strong points, or so I thought. I don't know what to think at this point. This seems like a huge red flag, but it's also the only one. I don't want to drag this issue out, have this be a recurring issue, hold a grudge, or be afraid of him cheating or lying. I want to trust him again. I think in time we might be able to establish good relations again, but I don't know. It could be downhill from here.

Has anyone ever experienced anything like this before? Anyone with a happy ending? How do you cope with something like this? Does it sound like I need to be concerned about this female friend?

[Dezface]

I think the fact that he lied about could potentially be a red flag. If he's always honest about his female friends but lied about this one, it doesn't bode well. On the other hand, perhaps he just really wanted to hang out with her and thought that lying to you was the best way to accomplish this. Not that that makes it OK, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's into her.

He doesn't know why she's been an issue in his relationships? Bullshit. He has to know. Is it because he always lies about seeing her? Or that they're too close for comfort? He knows why, he's just not saying.

I would be concerned about this girl, and about him lying.

[churchgrim]

I agree with everything Dezface said.

He had dated her once before, appx. 15 years ago and said that she's been an issue in every single one of his relationships and he doesn't know why.

This raises MAJOR red flags for me! I would definitely ask about this until you got answers. "I don't know why" is not acceptable.

[Hollandia]

I think the fact that he lied about could potentially be a red flag. If he's always honest about his female friends but lied about this one, it doesn't bode well. On the other hand, perhaps he just really wanted to hang out with her and thought that lying to you was the best way to accomplish this. Not that that makes it OK, but it doesn't necessarily mean he's into her.

He doesn't know why she's been an issue in his relationships? Bullshit. He has to know. Is it because he always lies about seeing her? Or that they're too close for comfort? He knows why, he's just not saying.

I would be concerned about this girl, and about him lying.

+1.
I agree competely.

[SeeRat]

I also agree with dezface. This girl being an issue in his every relation is definitely red flag. You deserve an answer.

[LadyDaemon]

I think I'm probably the odd man out on this one. Honestly,I don't think he lied as much as he just didn't tell you out of fear it would ruffle your feathers,which it obviously has. If it's been an issue in past relationships then that's probably another reason he didn't tell you. He probably didn't want it to cause a rift between you like it has in his past relationships. Also,I think it's a bit unfair for you to restrict his time spent with other females regardless of whether or not you've met them. If you honestly trust your man it wouldn't matter,you'd trust him to do the right thing and let him have his time with his friends male or female. That's true trust. My fiance has many female friends that I've never met but I have never restricted him from speaking with them or seeing them because I trust him to be strictly friends and if an issue arises to correct it immediately. There's also no feelings involved between them and they're both in committed relationships which says to me the likelihood of his cheating on you is pretty slim. It sounds like it's just platonic. I really think you're over thinking and over reacting on this. I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about this so that it doesn't linger because the longer is lingers the worse it's gonna get and then it's gonna cause real problems.

[80anthea]

I'm with Ld on this, putting restrictions on who he can and can't see strikes me as being completely unfair and very controlling. He shouldn't need permission from you to see people. I trust my SO enough for him to make his own choices in who he hangs out with, a strong relationship is built on trust not control.

[Dezface]

I think I'm probably the odd man out on this one. Honestly,I don't think he lied as much as he just didn't tell you out of fear it would ruffle your feathers,which it obviously has. If it's been an issue in past relationships then that's probably another reason he didn't tell you. He probably didn't want it to cause a rift between you like it has in his past relationships. Also,I think it's a bit unfair for you to restrict his time spent with other females regardless of whether or not you've met them. If you honestly trust your man it wouldn't matter,you'd trust him to do the right thing and let him have his time with his friends male or female. That's true trust. My fiance has many female friends that I've never met but I have never restricted him from speaking with them or seeing them because I trust him to be strictly friends and if an issue arises to correct it immediately. There's also no feelings involved between them and they're both in committed relationships which says to me the likelihood of his cheating on you is pretty slim. It sounds like it's just platonic. I really think you're over thinking and over reacting on this. I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about this so that it doesn't linger because the longer is lingers the worse it's gonna get and then it's gonna cause real problems.

I agree that maybe the restriction is unfair. But that's up to him to say that and not agree to it and then lie. And it is lying when she asked him who he'd hung out with and he said just his male friends. If he thought this was an unjust "rule," he should have said so in the first place.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree that maybe the restriction is unfair. But that's up to him to say that and not agree to it and then lie. And it is lying when she asked him who he'd hung out with and he said just his male friends. If he thought this was an unjust "rule," he should have said so in the first place.

The only thing that I will say is that it's a possibility that he didn't because he might've not necessarily trusted her not to get mad about it had he really told her. I know some people who will tell you all day long that they won't get mad if you tell them something,but then turn around and do just that. It's kinda like if someone told you sticking your hand in a venus fly trap is safe and you thought about it,you know it's probably not and that it's probably going to close on you,but you don't know when and you're not willing to stick your hand in to find out (bad analogy,but it's almost 2 A.M. and I suck at analogies. I think you get the jest though). Maybe there's even a possibility that he was worried that she'd get pissed and leave him. Especially with it being an issue in other relationships like I said before. I don't know,I'm just giving the guy benefit of the doubt here.

[THINK2MUCH]

I totally agree with LadyDaemon on this one.
You cannot expect to have a healthy relationship (long distance or not) with someone you don't trust at all.
The thing that I find to be really unfair is how when it is a guy who is trying to impose these kind of restrictions on a woman people never take his side, somehow when it is a woman doing that a lot of people seem to be ok with it...

[Rugger]

I think I'm probably the odd man out on this one. Honestly,I don't think he lied as much as he just didn't tell you out of fear it would ruffle your feathers,which it obviously has. If it's been an issue in past relationships then that's probably another reason he didn't tell you. He probably didn't want it to cause a rift between you like it has in his past relationships. Also,I think it's a bit unfair for you to restrict his time spent with other females regardless of whether or not you've met them. If you honestly trust your man it wouldn't matter,you'd trust him to do the right thing and let him have his time with his friends male or female. That's true trust. My fiance has many female friends that I've never met but I have never restricted him from speaking with them or seeing them because I trust him to be strictly friends and if an issue arises to correct it immediately. There's also no feelings involved between them and they're both in committed relationships which says to me the likelihood of his cheating on you is pretty slim. It sounds like it's just platonic. I really think you're over thinking and over reacting on this. I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about this so that it doesn't linger because the longer is lingers the worse it's gonna get and then it's gonna cause real problems.

I agree with this. Putting restrictions on who your SO hangs out with is not only controlling and unhealthy it screams that the OP doesn't trust him and never did.

OP, You have no right to tell your SO who he can and can't hang out with. None. If you are jealous and insecure, YOU are the one who has to fix that, not him. It honestly sounds like he wanted to hang out with his friend, but didn't want to piss you off ( and break your stupid rule). If my SO tried to restrict when I was seeing my male friends, I'd kick him to the curb immediately because for me, that's a sign of possible emotional abuse. Sure it's one friend now, then another, then another until they cut you off from everyone. My abusive ex did that EXACT thing First it was a specific guy friend, then it was every male friend I had, then I was only allowed friends who he approved of.

There are plenty of people my SO likes that I don't. Two girls in particular. One because she tried to make a move on him and the other who has a things for him. I don't tell him not to hang out with them because I trust them. I say You pick who you hang out with, and I pick who I hang out with. I will not be hanging out with them because I don't like them. Easy. I've also been the girl who " was always the problem" In my best friend's relationship. Purely because I'm female. All his exes hated me because He was a boy and I'm a girl. It sounds like t might be happening here. I was so happy when finally he found a girl who knows I'm not a threat, If I wanted him, I would have had him.

Yes, lying is wrong. But so is putting impositions on who your SO hangs out with. You need to sit down and talk to him about BOTH of the issues.

[ethelynn]

If it's a healthy relationship, people are honest with each other. Being in a LDR can make one insecure and asking your SO for something like that to feel more comfortable, isn't a huge restriction. She didn't say that she didn't trust him, rather asked it just to feel easier. Maybe it's not the right thing to ask, but as HE agreed to it, it's up to him to keep his word. For me, it would be a red flag. Lying is lying! Do you think he would have been honest about it if there wasn't this restriction? It didn't seem to be the problem here.

[Dezface]

I totally agree with LadyDaemon on this one.
You cannot expect to have a healthy relationship (long distance or not) with someone you don't trust at all.
The thing that I find to be really unfair is how when it is a guy who is trying to impose these kind of restrictions on a woman people never take his side, somehow when it is a woman doing that a lot of people seem to be ok with it...

I don't see where anyone said they thought her restriction was the best idea ever. That wasn't really the point, in my opinion. For the record, I do think it's silly. If my SO had said he didn't want me to hang out with my friends, I would have said no. But that's the difference. I'd have said no, not gonna happen. Not said OK, I agree, and then done it any way.

Where's his accountability? Presumably he's an adult who can stand up for himself and say he's not going to abide by his girlfriend's rules. But he chose to go behind her back. I don't see why THAT seems to be OK with people here.

And I do have to disagree with your assertion about it being a male vs female difference. I find that most people here are pretty consistent with their views on trust. Some people think you should trust no matter what circumstance is involved. Others think rules and guidelines are the way to ensure nothing goes astray. Others tend to always be middle of the road.

[THINK2MUCH]

Sorry, my bad. I should've stated that I was comparing this post to another one I was reading yesterday where the situation was the other way around.

[Amelia]

i have gone through something similar and it just kept ending in arguments and be constantly freaking out. If there is a girl causing issues or a girl that you are possibly jealous of or concerned about tell him immediately dont just drop hints but be completely honest. Restricting your SO from seeing someone is possibly a last ditch effort.

I know when someone tells a lie there are many reasons for it but one could be to protect you. My bf has lied to protect my feelings, well he lied to me initially but eventually told me in person because he didnt want to say it over the phone. Maybe if you did a video chat or something with him he might or you might have a better understanding of the situation.