He lied about hanging out with a female friend

[Malaga]

Where's his accountability? Presumably he's an adult who can stand up for himself and say he's not going to abide by his girlfriend's rules. But he chose to go behind her back. I don't see why THAT seems to be OK with people here.

I'm 100% with you there. I think trust is built by trustworthy behaviour. What is important is to keep an open mind and let your SO show you how trustworthy they are. That includes being honest and not lying. I don't know why OP gets the grief for being suspicious about the girl her SO lied about. He didn't omit but outright lied. That's so not trustworthy behaviour. There may very well be nothing between him and this girl, but this indicates a bigger issue. That he's not averse to lying to his SO if it gets him a better deal. And it's a much bigger issue than the line the OP drew (which seems flexible enough anyway).

[temporaryuser]

how old is he? if you are 26, and it was 15 years ago.....
he dated her once, why not more than once? have they been communicating ever since they dated that one time? Just because he never told you about her, doesnt mean he isnt friends with her. These are the types of qyuestions I would ask. Not why did you lie to me. Find out more about her, why have you never heard of her before?
As for restricting who he can see, that would be a deal breaker for me. But I trust my SO. he has been cheated on with a woman he lived with (who got preggo with another man and blamed my SO for it), he was also in a marriage that ended in a nasty divorce. Not every man is looking to sleep with a girl just because he hangs out with her. Some men like to hang out with women to get a different perspective on life.
You need to decide what you are looking for. because restricitng someone by who they see, where they go and what they do is not fair in any relationship. You are a teen anymore. you are grown.

[RachelAnne]

I would not have been okay with him lying at all. If you say he's been honest about seeing other female friends, why would he lie about this one? I don't know, I'm already a jealous person but catching him in this lie would have sent me over the edge. But maybe I'm wrong and also overreacting. He could have just not told you because he was afraid you would freak out. But when you did confront him about it the first time, he should have come clean instead of lying some more.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I also agree with LadyDaemon on this. Being a guy with many female friends(hell, one of my best friends is female), it is important to me that my partner trusts me when it comes to my meeting female friends. In my case, my girlfriend understands this so I'm fortunate. The OP's situation, however, sounds to me like the core problem is actually the lack of trust on the OP's part more than anything else. Maybe the boyfriend was reluctant to tell the truth because he was somehow intimidated by her potential reaction? He already said the reason why he didn't say anything was because he was under the impression that she wouldn't ok with him seeing this friend and he didn't want to make the OP uncomfortable. The OP obviously is freaking out over this right now, so it DOES sound like his initial fear has come true.

OP, you say he lied, but it sounds to me like he may have felt in a way pressured to lie. Amelia has made a good point above that your guy might have decided not to be truthful in the hope to protect you more than anything else. You say he was always honest before this event, but that might also be because he understood you could be a little bit jealous and controlling when it came to HOW he could meet his female friends. I mean, they are his FRIENDS, and he's free to see them in any way he pleases as long as he doesn't actually cheat on you. One-on-one, group setting, it all shouldn't matter because he's just friends with them. And this particular girl in question ditto. If there was trust between you two in the first place without there being some sort of terms and conditions as to HOW he should maintain his friendships, then this situation would have never taken place. The only mistake that I think he's made is that he actually allowed you to assume it was OK to put those restrictions on his own life. That was the flaw on his part, and which essentially resulted in his being reluctant to tell you the whole story.

He had dated her once before, appx. 15 years ago and said that she's been an issue in every single one of his relationships and he doesn't know why.

Honestly, I don't know why either. They dated FIFTEEN years ago, that's a super long time ago if you ask me. They no longer have feelings for each other, and are both in committed relationships. What's there to worry about? Perhaps he could have been more clear and upfront about these things to prevent his partner from getting suspicious/jealous/controlling. That might be why this girl has always been an issue. Only, she isn't the actual issue but the issue is that there's a lack of trust. Sorry to say this but you can't fool yourselves here. If you two really trusted each other, none of this would have happened.

How do you cope with something like this?

By building mutual trust. By accepting that he is an individual before he is your boyfriend. But not by imposing some unfair rules/restrictions on your partner where their friendships are concerned. That isn't healthy. Rather than doing that, try really communicating with your partner, and build and nurture the trust on both sides.

Does it sound like I need to be concerned about this female friend?

No it doesn't, and no you don't. Good luck.

[Black_Halloween]

What did you think would happen if you restricted him on who he can hangout with? When I met my SO, my best friend was a male who I had been friends with for a long time (and still am). I'm also a photographer and I work with male models as well. He needed to learn that I was with him for a reason! You need to learn the same thing.

I feel as if he (your so) has been pressured into a lie because he was afraid of what your reaction would be. I also have a feeling that his friend has been an issue because his exs feel intimidated by her because they've known each other for so long. 15 years of a friendship isn't a joke.

[ethelynn]

By building mutual trust. By accepting that he is an individual before he is your boyfriend. But not by imposing some unfair rules/restrictions on your partner where their friendships are concerned. That isn't healthy. Rather than doing that, try really communicating with your partner, and build and nurture the trust on both sides.

True, BUT you are forgetting the fact that he _agreed_ to it. He could have just said no to this, but he didn't. It's not about the fact that they dated a long time ago, but the fact that he lied about her, though until that moment he was honest about ALL female friends. He went to see her the first day at her house, not even keeping his promise for some time.
My SO said that he will tell me even if it meant i'll be mad or sad about it, because if i later found out about it, i'll feel so much worse and lose my trust and i agree with this. Keeping secrets, especially about spending time close opposite sex friends you have once dated, might make the other side more suspicious and insecure, how is that a better solution?

[silvermoonfairy3]

I think I'm probably the odd man out on this one. Honestly,I don't think he lied as much as he just didn't tell you out of fear it would ruffle your feathers,which it obviously has. If it's been an issue in past relationships then that's probably another reason he didn't tell you. He probably didn't want it to cause a rift between you like it has in his past relationships. Also,I think it's a bit unfair for you to restrict his time spent with other females regardless of whether or not you've met them. If you honestly trust your man it wouldn't matter,you'd trust him to do the right thing and let him have his time with his friends male or female. That's true trust. My fiance has many female friends that I've never met but I have never restricted him from speaking with them or seeing them because I trust him to be strictly friends and if an issue arises to correct it immediately. There's also no feelings involved between them and they're both in committed relationships which says to me the likelihood of his cheating on you is pretty slim. It sounds like it's just platonic. I really think you're over thinking and over reacting on this. I think you need to sit down with him and talk to him about this so that it doesn't linger because the longer is lingers the worse it's gonna get and then it's gonna cause real problems.

I'm kinda with LD on this one.
He should have been upfront with you, yes, but you're also not making it easy for him to do that if you're going to tell him no, he can't go hang out with her.

Restricting who he sees or talks to based on whether or not you've met them is quite controlling, and just because you meet them doesn't guarantee things couldn't happen with them anyway. Either you trust him, or you don't, and trusting should have nothing to do with having to meet the girl before you decide to trust him with her. What are you looking to do with meeting them first? Check if they're pretty? See if there's some kind of wildly inappropriate touching?

I understand wanting to meet them, and think that's perfectly valid, but not letting him hang out with them UNTIL you've met them is a bit much.

I *would* be curious about how this girl has 'been an issue' in his other relationships, but I think you're overreacting about the seriousness of this, especially if it's the first time.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I also agree with LadyDaemon on this. Being a guy with many female friends(hell, one of my best friends is female), it is important to me that my partner trusts me when it comes to my meeting female friends.

lol.. you sound like my guy.
The *majority* of M's friends are female. He has some good male buddies, of course, but I swear, he's just the kind of guy that makes female friends easily. Not in a creepy or romantic way, he's just the kind of sweet, good listener, guy next door type that women feel comfortable around.
It ocassionally tests my ability to be not-paranoid,lol.. but I trust him, and I'm usually I'm perfectly fine with it. It's also a reminder that the things that attract female friends to him are awesome qualities in a boyfriend. He's the kind of guy that is there for his friends, to do an airport pickup, or be an ear after a breakup, or whatever, and I get all of that sweetness plus some. Female friends.. practice for girlfriends! lol.

Maybe the boyfriend was reluctant to tell the truth because he was somehow intimidated by her potential reaction? He already said the reason why he didn't say anything was because he was under the impression that she wouldn't ok with him seeing this friend and he didn't want to make the OP uncomfortable. The OP obviously is freaking out over this right now, so it DOES sound like his initial fear has come true.

This. I'm not excusing his lie, by any means. He should have been honest, or he should have not agreed to the restriction, etc.
But I'm also curious how the restriction came to be, and if he initially was hesitant at all and went along with it for the sake of the relationship. If he's the kind of guy that stands up for himself in general, if the OP can be domineering, etc.

Also, agree with the rest of your post, about trust and the relationship being 15 years ago, etc.

[silvermoonfairy3]

True, BUT you are forgetting the fact that he _agreed_ to it. He could have just said no to this, but he didn't.

Frankly, I still need to hear a little more about how this came up. Did he just agree readily? "SURE!" or was he reluctant, and OP got upset, or pressured him into it, and he caved?
Sure, we can argue that if that was the case, it's still his responsibility to not give in to that pressure, but really? Are we going to say that none of us have reluctantly gone along with something initially, because we thought it might be the less troublesome route, or upset our partner less?

[ethelynn]

Are we going to say that none of us have reluctantly gone along with something initially, because we thought it might be the less troublesome route, or upset our partner less?

You'd be less upset by knowing your SO prefered to lie to you just to make it easier on himself? It's not a small lie, how can you really trust someone's word if they aren't fully honest about who they spend time with. It's not even going out with a few people, but spending time in her house. He has had trouble with this girl in all his previous relationships, it's unlikely that he has just managed to meet only jealous and insecure girls who cause problems because of this ex of his for no reason. I assume he is older than 25, maybe even over 30 if he dated this girl 15 years ago. He should know why this girl causes problems in his relationships by now.

[rubydissolution]

I have an extremely strong opinion on the subject of restricting who your SO is allowed to hang out with. My ex did this to me and I did the same exact thing as your SO. Why? To avoid the argument! It was an argument that happened every single time I hung out with Alex (the ex). Alex and I have been friends with for well over 7 years now. An ex that I have zero feelings for, because quite frankly when we dated I felt more like his mom then GF. Despite this and the reassurance I gave my ex SO he still got pissed when Alex and I spent time together. So, I started lying about it because I was tired of his insecurity causing a fight. So, I can understand exactly why your SO lied to you.

You have to realize what you are doing to him with these restrictions. You are making him choose between you and his friends. That is not fair! If you trust him it shouldn't matter if his friends are male or female. If they are exes or not. I spent over a year and a half dodging one of my best friends because my ex hated that I spent time with him. Talk about lonely! I missed my friend! I missed our hang outs and all the stupid crap we did together. You are in a LDR he can't be with you, so he needs friends to keep him company and keep him distracted from missing you.

Is it ok that he lied to you? No! Was it ok that I lied to my ex? NO! But understand where he was coming from. You either trust him or you don't. End!

[folclor]

Honestly, I understand both sides to this... It's very sad that your boyfriend didn't tell you, damheet. I had a similar situation with my boyfriend last year. He moved to the city for school and found out one of his best friends from high school lived there and decided to start hanging out with her but not tell me. The result was him getting online at 2 in the morning because he'd stayed out late with her to see a movie. We had a long talk after this.

In your situation... it sounds like you're just not comfortable with him hanging out with girls you haven't met. That's understandable, but it is a little unrealistic for him to always be on the alert about whether someone else is around as well. He shouldn't've lied. Y'all do need to talk about this seriously and do ask him why this girl's been a problem in his past relationships. I agree with many here. He knows why and he needs to come out with it. It's better to hear, "Well, she kind of still has feelings for me" at 9 months than 15 months.

All that being said, trust takes a long time to really form and solidify, especially in situations where you or he have not had good relationships in the past. If you've been cheated on I understand your actions even more. If there's something between them or something he doesn't feel comfortable telling you yet I understand his actions as well. Granted, lies should not happen in the relationship. Not white lies and not ones like this.

I hope this comes out well for you!

[silvermoonfairy3]

You'd be less upset by knowing your SO prefered to lie to you just to make it easier on himself?

No.. I'm talking about the initial "you can't see female friends without me meeting them first" bit. He may have tried to protest it a bit, but if the OP got upset, I wouldn't be surprised AT ALL if he 'went along with it' even though he wasn't comfortable with it. That was the part I meant about making it easier.
That still doesn't mean he should go behind her back, but it's possible he was planning on revisiting the "you can't see female friends" issue later. My point is, in relationships, especially when one person is being upset or possibly irrational, partners often will go with a path of least resistance, or just let the issue go for now, possibly with plans to revisit it later.

It's not a small lie, how can you really trust someone's word if they aren't fully honest about who they spend time with. It's not even going out with a few people, but spending time in her house.

So? I dated a guy who had female roommates in a shared house. I have lived in a mixed-gender shared house where we weren't dating. A female friend stayed with my guy at his house when she had a plane to catch (he lives near the airport) the next day, and he gave her a ride. Either you trust your partner, or you don't. The OP doesn't, hence trying to control who he can see and under what circumstances, and it's not surprising to me that it backfired, although I don't absolve him from being dishonest about it.

He has had trouble with this girl in all his previous relationships, it's unlikely that he has just managed to meet only jealous and insecure girls who cause problems because of this ex of his for no reason. I assume he is older than 25, maybe even over 30 if he dated this girl 15 years ago. He should know why this girl causes problems in his relationships by now.

If he "doesn't know" it *could* be that he's only dated jealous/insecure girls. That's not unlikely at all, especially depending on how many people he's dated. The kind of girlfriends who are so concerned about all other females that they don't let their boyfriends see them unless they're there/have met them, etc. (Not just the OP. I know plenty of women like that, who try to 'forbid' their SO from seeing opposite-sex friends.)

He could also just be a clueless guy who doesn't see that she's flirting with him, or something. Or it could be like that Friends episode where Rachel dates a guy who is super inappropriately close with his sister. ("The bathtub is getting cold!")

Maybe there's a deeper reason, or maybe the "reason" is that his girlfriends feel threatened by a 15+ year friendship. Maybe he isn't good at reassuring them about it, who knows. But we don't know enough about this situation to assume as much as is being assumed about his intentions or lying. Yeah, he shouldn't have done it. But I personally think from the info we DO have, it sounds like a guy who just wanted to go hang with a good female friend without catching flak for it or having to defend himself as opposed to a possibly-cheating-minded guy sneaking around behind his girlfriend's back.

[silvermoonfairy3]

I have an extremely strong opinion on the subject of restricting who your SO is allowed to hang out with. My ex did this to me and I did the same exact thing as your SO. Why? To avoid the argument! It was an argument that happened every single time I hung out with Alex (the ex). Alex and I have been friends with for well over 7 years now. An ex that I have zero feelings for, because quite frankly when we dated I felt more like his mom then GF. Despite this and the reassurance I gave my ex SO he still got pissed when Alex and I spent time together. So, I started lying about it because I was tired of his insecurity causing a fight. So, I can understand exactly why your SO lied to you.

You have to realize what you are doing to him with these restrictions. You are making him choose between you and his friends. That is not fair! If you trust him it shouldn't matter if his friends are male or female. If they are exes or not. I spent over a year and a half dodging one of my best friends because my ex hated that I spent time with him. Talk about lonely! I missed my friend! I missed our hang outs and all the stupid crap we did together. You are in a LDR he can't be with you, so he needs friends to keep him company and keep him distracted from missing you.

Is it ok that he lied to you? No! Was it ok that I lied to my ex? NO! But understand where he was coming from. You either trust him or you don't. End!

+1.

The best way to resolve this, IMO, is for the OP to decide if she's okay backing off these controlling 'restrictions' or not, because if not, it's likely to continue to be a problem. If so, then the "look.. I've realized I was wrong to put restrictions on your friendships, and I'm sorry. But under no circumstances is lying or going behind my back okay. I promise to work on not getting mad as much if you'll promise that we will talk and work things out instead of you just agreeing with me to avoid a fight and then going behind my back" type of conversation can happen.

[barret95]

Okay, I'm going to be straight. I had an issue like this on the Weekend. My S.O made up dozens of excuses and lies, I had suspicions that she was flirting with two guys who flirt with her and hit on her every day...short story everything got out of hand and we had to exchange Facebook passwords (WORSE IDEA EVER, NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN). Turns out she deleted every conversation with the Guys who flirts with her. just because I 'wouldn't understand the messages' and B.S like that. Relating to you, my S.O lied to me until she contradicted herself and got busted lying. So yeah, lying is bad.

It sounds like your S.O lied because he was afraid of what your reaction will be if he told you the truth. You two should sit and talk it out, he's with you for a reason, remember that