He lied about hanging out with a female friend

[damheet]

More background: I did not forbid him from seeing any of his female friends. I requested that he make them group activities to avoid ambiguity in the meantime while I get more comfortable with the distance. I don't feel this was an unreasonable request, as I would gladly do the same to help him feel more comfortable. I also requested that he keep me informed on who he's hanging out with for the same reason. He agreed to both of these requests readily and without objection. The "group activity" request was meant to be temporary and lifted as time passed and my comfort level grew. As it so happens, meeting female friends increases my comfort level greatly.

Thank you to those of you who gave constructive criticism on this issue. My SO and I are going to re-do assignment 4 in the LDR workbook "setting ground rules". I'm also going to make sure I set firm boundaries where it comes to lying and talk to him some more about this. Hopefully he'll be able to give me the answers I need and we can work on rebuilding trust.

[rubydissolution]

I don't want this to come across as mean but I guess its going to sound that way. Why do you need to know who he's hanging out with? You aren't his mother and you aren't living together. I get the need for comfort but he shouldn't have to report to you about that sort of thing. Sure it would be nice if he did so, but I don't think it should be required. Your relationship shouldn't be that constrained.

[snow]

This is not about her restricting whom he can hang out with or whom he can't. She clearly said that she has no problem with him hanging out with women she doesn't know unless it's a one on one situation - that's their decision, not ours.

The issue here is that he went and did something that he KNEW would make her upset. It doesn't matter if the rules they have seem unreasonable, or if you think she is jealous or not. This is about him doing something he KNEW was going to cause trouble. He KNEW that if he meets up with this girl and his girlfriend finds out she will be upset and he did it ANYWAY. THIS is a cheater's heart.
How would every single one of you feel if your SO did something YOU are uncomfortable with behind your back instead of talking to you about it - that's exactly what happened.

Now I am not saying go and leave him, but this needs to be adressed. We simply talked about this until both of us felt like it was a good compromise and you should do that too.

My man would not do anything that would upset me. If he thinks that it is uncalled for, he talks to me about it and we find a solution together, but he would never do something that would hurt/upset me behind my back and THAT is what happened.

[Sharon Q]

Snow, I fully agree with you.

Even if he agreed to her terms, no matter what his reason, he still should have told her that he was going to see his friend.

Part of trust is not agreeing to things you are uncomfortable with.

[Kanga]

Agree with snow 100%!

[LadyDaemon]

This is the last thing I'm saying on this and then I'll leave the rest to whoever else wants to comment. I think what people are missing here is that nobody is condoning the fact that he lied about it. No,he shouldn't have lied about it. But all we're saying is that there could be reasons behind it. I don't think it's as malicious and ill intended as some of you think it is. But I also understand that for some this is a black and white issue while to others it's not as black and white as it looks. I think this needs to be looked at from both sides and not just one. As I said before,I don't think he has or is going to cheat on the OP. If this is the first incident then it stands to reason that this may have just been something done out of fear. We've all lied at one point or another out of fear,I'm sure. Does that make it right? No. But it happened and I think like I said,with it being a first time incident that a little benefit of the doubt is healthy. Now,if this had happened more then once and he was just lying to her all over the place about everybody he goes to see or if he was just flat out refusing to tell her about anyone then I could see being this upset about it and being worried.


To the OP,I hope you both work things out. Good luck .

[snow]

This is the last thing I'm saying on this and then I'll leave the rest to whoever else wants to comment. I think what people are missing here is that nobody is condoning the fact that he lied about it. No,he shouldn't have lied about it. But all we're saying is that there could be reasons behind it. I don't think it's as malicious and ill intended as some of you think it is. But I also understand that for some this is a black and white issue while to others it's not as black and white as it looks. I think this needs to be looked at from both sides and not just one. As I said before,I don't think he has or is going to cheat on the OP. If this is the first incident then it stands to reason that this may have just been something done out of fear. We've all lied at one point or another out of fear,I'm sure. Does that make it right? No. But it happened and I think like I said,with it being a first time incident that a little benefit of the doubt is healthy. Now,if this had happened more then once and he was just lying to her all over the place about everybody he goes to see or if he was just flat out refusing to tell her about anyone then I could see being this upset about it and being worried.


To the OP,I hope you both work things out. Good luck .

The problem with this is - there shouldn't be reasons behind it, there shouldn't be anything he has to be afraid of so he has to lie about it.
If he wanted to hang out with a female friend that she didn't know yet, he should have either not agreed to their agreements or respected her feelings and not done it until he was able to talk this issue through to get to a compromise.
He put his own feelings above hers and hurt her. This is where it went wrong.

[miss_jaclynrae]

The problem with this is - there shouldn't be reasons behind it, there shouldn't be anything he has to be afraid of so he has to lie about it.
If he wanted to hang out with a female friend that she didn't know yet, he should have either not agreed to their agreements or respected her feelings and not done it until he was able to talk this issue through to get to a compromise.
He put his own feelings above hers and hurt her. This is where it went wrong.

This. 100%.
I get the whole "giving him the benefit of the doubt", but it is far easier said than done. I know for me, my trust would be greatly damaged. Would I end it? Probably not, but there would have to be a LOT of work on his end to gain back my trust.

[LadyDaemon]

The problem with this is - there shouldn't be reasons behind it, there shouldn't be anything he has to be afraid of so he has to lie about it.
If he wanted to hang out with a female friend that she didn't know yet, he should have either not agreed to their agreements or respected her feelings and not done it until he was able to talk this issue through to get to a compromise.
He put his own feelings above hers and hurt her. This is where it went wrong.

Well,I obviously see things differently and I'll leave it at that.

[Deleted]

I find this very sad :/ he knows your limits, yet he disrespected them. I agree with the others that this is something to be concerned about. I would proceed with caution, and reiterate what you want in this relationship, just to remind him.

[rubydissolution]

I agree a little bit with everyone here. He should not have agreed to her terms if he could not abide by them. However, after agreeing to her terms perhaps he realized how difficult it was going to be to follow them. Telling her that her terms were unreasonable after he agreed to them, I'm sure would have upset her. Hanging out with his girlfriends that she hasn't met and telling her about them also would have upset her. And lying to her about hanging out with these friends also stirred the pot. Maybe on different levels but they all would have caused some conflict. Exactly how was he supposed to proceed here? What solution could be reached where she would be ok with him hanging with these friends that wouldn't cause her some level of discomfort?

The OP has clearly stated how uncomfortable she was with him hanging out with his female friends one on one when she hasn't met them and would prefer it if they hung out in a group. It's not always easy to get a group together to hang out. Much harder then calling a friend and saying lets hang out. That's why that part of their agreement isn't always going to work. So, with that in mind how long was he going to go without seeing those particular friends that she hasn't met? The OP never said how long they go between visits. I know some people here go months to years. Is that really fair to him?

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have been in her SOs shoes. I lied about who I was hanging out with to avoid conflict. And I guess all of you would say this was a red flag to my SO that I was dishonest and/or cheating. Well I never ever cheated on him. It was a lie, it was wrong, but I had a good reason to tell it. You can only have the same argument so many times before it gets old. Especially when it doesn't get resolved. Fear can make you do a lot of things, lying included. I've also been in her shoes, wanting to know where my SO is and with who at all times. It doesn't work. It suffocates your partner.

They have only been together 9 months, and this is the first time they have entered LDR territory. Both the OP and her SO need to be cut some slack. They need to figure out what works for them, the middle ground. If she doesn't want to be lied to, then he has to be able to tell her things without thinking it's going to upset her. This is the first time he has lied to her, so I think the best thing to do is handle the issue and move past it. This shouldn't be a deal breaker. It's not the biggest lie someone could tell. (ex. Cheating, having an addiction, etc.). Ok a lie is a lie, but some lies aren't as big as others. To me this is not a huge one.

[folclor]

Reread this, please, everyone who's replying:

The next morning I asked him point blank if he had seen her and told him I had seen the address and he finally admitted that he had seen her twice and another friend was there both times. He told me he didn't tell me because he was under the impression that I wasn't ok with him seeing her at all and he didn't want to make me uncomfortable.

It's not that she isn't okay with him hanging out with her. She's not okay with the fact that he lied. And it's clear why he did, he said why he did.

Okay... so... now that that's out of the way... After rereading your original post I realize we haven't completely answered your questions... so here's my best attempt at answering them.

1. Yes. I have. It was very uncomfortable for me, even though my SO did let me know when he was hanging out with this particular friend (what made me uncomfortable was that I didn't know her and just the two of them were hanging out in his apartment alone). I've met her since and she's pretty cool. I have no issue with her anymore.

2. Yes. She ended up being cool and we're friends now. She actually sides with me on more stuff than she sides with him on.

3. Wait it out. It's going to be painful and uncomfortable. He may even tell you that you're overreacting. You aren't. At the same time, he's not doing anything fundamentally wrong. Discuss ground rules and stick by them firmly. You can deal with a little bit of discomfort and he can deal with being a little more strict with his social life.

4. From what you've said... no. As I and others have said, he prolly knows why she's been a problem in his previous relationships. My advice is to meet her and hang out with her. If he won't tell you, she might. Girls, as you know, love to talk and discuss things. If there was a problem with his exes (they were jealous, controlling, something along those lines) or if there's something between them she's likely to spill it to you. Only be concerned if he starts seeing her one on one and doing things that y'all normally do together.

I hope this helps ^^;

[Kiyama]

This is the last thing I'm saying on this and then I'll leave the rest to whoever else wants to comment. I think what people are missing here is that nobody is condoning the fact that he lied about it. No,he shouldn't have lied about it. But all we're saying is that there could be reasons behind it. I don't think it's as malicious and ill intended as some of you think it is. But I also understand that for some this is a black and white issue while to others it's not as black and white as it looks. I think this needs to be looked at from both sides and not just one. As I said before,I don't think he has or is going to cheat on the OP. If this is the first incident then it stands to reason that this may have just been something done out of fear. We've all lied at one point or another out of fear,I'm sure. Does that make it right? No. But it happened and I think like I said,with it being a first time incident that a little benefit of the doubt is healthy. Now,if this had happened more then once and he was just lying to her all over the place about everybody he goes to see or if he was just flat out refusing to tell her about anyone then I could see being this upset about it and being worried.


To the OP,I hope you both work things out. Good luck .

I agree with Ld and also with her first post.
I would also say the OP's SO should have put his foot down in the first place and tell her straight he was going to meet with whoever he wants but there are people who are so scared of conflict and there would have been trouble coming up that they avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately such things tend to come out rather quickly, especially with someone snooping around.

OP why don't you trust your SO? Has he given you any reasons not to trust him? You love this guy and you approach of forbidding him to see his friends because of your own insecurity didn't go down very well so maybe it's time for you to take a different stance too? I can understand your anger but try to see his perspective and what caused the situation. Some people cannot chastened down like that. I certainly wouldn't. Both of you will have find a new agreement here that suits everyone.

[damheet]

Thank you. This does help.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Again, I agree with LadyDaemon, as well as Rugger(who brought forth some good points earlier but whom I missed mentioning about in my previous post), Black Halloween, Silvermoonfairy, Rubydissolusion, Kiyama, who, in my opinion, all had some great input on the matter. It is clear that some of us see this situation more in terms of why he had to lie, while others see it simply in terms of "he lied, period". I am of the former bunch, obviously. I really don't believe the sole focus should be on the fact that he lied, because people sometimes lie out of good intentions. We shouldn't forget to take that into consideration.

Now...............

More background: I did not forbid him from seeing any of his female friends. I requested that he make them group activities to avoid ambiguity in the meantime while I get more comfortable with the distance. I don't feel this was an unreasonable request, as I would gladly do the same to help him feel more comfortable. I also requested that he keep me informed on who he's hanging out with for the same reason. He agreed to both of these requests readily and without objection. The "group activity" request was meant to be temporary and lifted as time passed and my comfort level grew. As it so happens, meeting female friends increases my comfort level greatly.

Thank you to those of you who gave constructive criticism on this issue. My SO and I are going to re-do assignment 4 in the LDR workbook "setting ground rules". I'm also going to make sure I set firm boundaries where it comes to lying and talk to him some more about this. Hopefully he'll be able to give me the answers I need and we can work on rebuilding trust.

I would have a HUGE problem with this whole "group setting until high comfort level" concept. I mean, these are his FRIENDS. Many of whom he's known for much longer than he's known you for. It's like, you came in later? Just because you entered his life as that special someone doesn't mean you are automatically granted the position to be in charge of his social life. You don't assume the position to change something that's otherwise totally harmless like this. It's friendships, just because they are female doesn't mean the risks are automatically higher. The only way the risks become higher is if your partner actually develops romantic feelings for them. But how likely is that? And if you can't get past the fact that he has female friends, then wouldn't that be a sign that you have trust issues?

Of course, he shouldn't have accepted your demands so readily. As far as I'm concerned, THIS was where he fucked up. But perhaps he did because he wanted to please you. I can kind of respect that actually. From what you've told us so far, even the lie he told sounds like he was trying to avoid upsetting you. And he DID tell you he didn't have any romantic feelings for this friend of his. I think you should focus on that more than the mere fact that he lied. But by being controlling and coming across as condescending toward his behaviour(which I actually gathered from your above post), I for one find THAT to be more disrespectful on your part than the single lie he told perhaps for your sake at least in a partial sense.

Lying is a unique thing. I won't get into the details but my girl lied about something back in the summer. Now, there was no third party involved or anything like that. But as our romantic feelings grew and we became emotionally closer, she felt she needed to tell me the truth. I wasn't mad or anything. In fact, I appreciated her honesty. So what I did was that I told her about my most inner secrets partly as a gesture to honour her honesty, and partly because I knew that, if anyone would understand and accept me for what I am, if would be her. Her small lie(actually it was kind of big) might have been a HUGE red flag for some people. But for her and me, it was an opportunity to further solidify our bond. It feels like we truly became a real couple the day she and I exchanged our truths. In our case, this particular lie actually brought us even closer. Maybe it's just me but I never felt like she betrayed me when she lied to me. It was unnecessary and I'd told her so as well, but I could also understand why she resorted to it, too.

So, I don't really know why lying itself should be the focal point in a situation such as yours. He doesn't come across like a compulsive liar from the way you've described him. He sounds like he otherwise values honesty. So instead of dwelling on the fact that he lied, perhaps you could focus on the "why"? Lying is not something we should condone but, like I said above, sometimes it is done with good intentions. That isn't something we should forget.
And if lying is a direct and blatant violation of your ground rules and you feel it a big issue, then first you two need to built mutual trust like I said in my previous reply. Without that, those rules mean nothing in my opinion. I have no obligation to be truthful to someone I don't even trust, for example.