Hey Everybody,
So I've been lurking in the mists here and haven't really been posting much. Things are going pretty well with my SO and I. We currently have plans for me to fly and visit her as soon as I have the money. Which I hope is sometime around the end of my first semester of school in December since it appears I might have to find a new job and won't have the time or money to see her until then because of my lack of finances and my school commitment. My SO and I go through our emotional bouts. For awhile I have to say I was the guilty one for letting my stress get to me at home and work. on top of feeling down about not having seen my SO since I said my goodbyes to her when I had to move away. For the first few/several weeks of our relationship, and after I moved. I had some annoying and recurring "me" issues as far as my confidence. I just couldn't understand what I did or how I got so lucky to win the heart of such a beautiful and sweet woman. After awhile I was able to push all of that aside and just enjoy my relationship. I still had my ups and down's and my SO was so supportive and would stay up late with me talking my problems out with me. I don't think I can ever thank her enough for being so patient with me. I will admit, I was hard headed and stubborn, so several times while it was very apparent I was crying. She would ask what was wrong and I'd give her my fool proof and genius answer of: Nothing baby. My allergies are just flaring up tonight. Which I knew she seen right through. Things are going alright for me now and I've been able to resolve a lot of the stuff that was weighing down on me. I feel like once I finally started letting the flood gates open and laid it all out on the table, I felt like my SO and I grew so much closer and I'm really glad that I finally chose to quit being stubborn and actually talk to her about what was on my mind.
Getting to my point here. I'm more or less okay and have come to terms with how things are going to have to be as far as a LDR until I can finish school and start saving to close the distance.I'm doing well in school, as a matter of fact, I'm doing the best I've ever done in school. I'm extremely positive about the future and I know as long as I keep my head in the books and keep doing well in school, Once I graduate next quarter, It'll only be a matter of time before I can start looking into closing the distance between my SO and I. So, Here lies my big problem. As of late, My SO has been having really terrible nights. She is a lot like how I was being for several months. We could be having the best conversation ever and the next second it just hits you that there you are in your bed all alone for another night. I'm going to put this out in the open. I'm the most stubborn hard headed person EVER when it comes to expressing emotions. I'm use to bottling everything up inside until I just pop and let it all out from time to time. Well as of late, and I know the old saying. You shouldn't throw a brick if you live in a house of glass. But my SO has been extremely stubborn about her emotions. We can be having a nice conversation while laughing, talking, and carrying on, and then the phone just goes silent. So I try to get her to talk and I try not to badger her or pester her about what's on her mind. I just want to try to get her to talk to me and to open up. I can sit there and talk to her in the softest tones and reassure her of everything and tell her how much I love her, cherish her, think about her, and miss her. I try not to come off as pushy or over dramatic, But I try to let her know that I worry about her when she's down and it makes me feel bad when she feel's bad and I can't do anything to fix it because she won't tell me what's on her mind. 9 times out of 10 I have a pretty solid idea of what it is that has her going. I just want my baby to be able to talk to me. I don't have mind reading powers and unless she let's me in, I can't help fix it and cheer her up. I'll ask her several times what's a matter and she pulls the same stupid BS that I use to pull and she'll tell me "Nothings wrong baby. my nose is just a little runny." or something to that effect. I can ultimately get her to talk to me, but it usually takes me ALL NIGHT. If she's having a bad night, I will sit on the phone with her all night, just like any night. But I honestly run out of things to say to her to make her feel better and things for us to talk about to try to cheer her up. So if she's upset, we're usually sitting in silence because I honestly don't know what to say or do for her because at that point I've pretty much said and done everything I can possibly do/offer to her as far as support over the phone. There's times where she'll cry all night and I get to the point where I get upset and start crying because I just don't know what to do to make things better for her. Once she gets me going, my emotions suck for the rest of the night. I feel bad that I can't make her feel better and all of my other inadequacy's and my own problems start surfacing and I'm just an emotional wreck. Awhile later she'll finally start to come around and things can start to get on a semi happy positive note, but by this time I'm wrecked and I feel terrible, and then she's gotta put up with my emotional side until I can calm myself down or ultimately get to the point where I'm so upset I've exhausted myself to the point of passing out.
This isn't a "I can't take the emotions anymore" kind of post or in anyway a "I've given up" kind of thing. It's not and I would never give up on her. I love my SO more than anything in this world. I'm just worried that unless she quits being stubborn and opens up a little bit more about her emotions when they're running rampant, I feel like one day it may send her over the edge and I might lose her or she'll lose faith in me and give up on the relationship. She's not that kind of woman, but emotions can be a terrible thing at times and can cause you to make irrational decisions. I don't want to lose her. I've been open, honest, and have laid it all out on the table since day one of our relationship, and yes that includes throwing all my faults out in the open as well. I've given up several opportunities and cut several of my plans short throughout our relationship just to make sure I was home for our daily/nightly phone dates. I've spent money that I really couldn't afford to spend to make sure I don't let my phone shut off or if it does get shut off, I make sure I have my account renewed and my phone back on within 12-24 hours. I send her email after email for days at a time which always have recently taken pictures, as in I took them right before I sent the email or I was in the process of finishing up writing it and all I had to do was attach the pix I took and then send it. If I fall asleep in the afternoons (I'm a night owl, So I don't go to sleep until the sun comes up..) and she texts me, she would get discouraged and send me 3-4 texts in a row because I didn't text her for whatever reason and say something in one of her texts that made me feel terrible, even though it's nothing major and I honestly shouldn't view it as such a big deal, because it's not like she's saying anything out of line or cold. Sometimes I can just sense it that she's frustrated or she'll make little smart comments and it hits me in the heart and makes me feel terrible I send her a bunch of pictures, and for awhile, up until recently when I got sick of taking the same pictures of myself in the same pose, with the same crappy lighting in my room, with the same stupid plastered smile on my face so I don't look like such a jerk or I don't look like I'm upset when I'm really not. I use to send her 5-8+ pictures daily in an email with a cute little love note attached to them. When she went out a few months back with a friend for her friends birthday, I asked her if it wasn't to much trouble when she got home, just to snap me a picture so I could see how pretty she looked in her "Night out on the town" outfit. All I got was a text at 3am saying "I'm home baby, crawling into bed." When we talk at night 9 times out of 10 I always have to be the one who calls her. When I call her it's typical for me to put her to bed because I stay up all night, which I love doing. but it's always my responsibility to call her at night and I always have to be the one who
comes up with all of the stuff to talk about. It happens at least once or twice throughout our 6+ hour phone call that 3/4's consists of her out cold snoring, but if I quit talking the phone will go dead silent and she'll constantly ask why I'm not talking to her.
I love her with all of my heart, Sometime's I just feel like i'm the one doing all of the opening up as far as feelings go and I'm the one who has to hold all the conversations.. I know she works full time, but you know what? I work too, and I've got the stress and the extra work load of school assignments on top of my crappy job. Sometimes it would just be nice for her to be the one to call to me, to be the one who sends me a cute little text message, or a romantic "Hey Stud" email whether it be a paragraph long like mine use to be or a couple lines long that they've transformed into for me. It would just be nice to be the one who gets called for a change, gets a romantic "hey stud" email, and gets sent a couple cute pictures instead of always having to be the one who does it all.
So I've been lurking in the mists here and haven't really been posting much. Things are going pretty well with my SO and I. We currently have plans for me to fly and visit her as soon as I have the money. Which I hope is sometime around the end of my first semester of school in December since it appears I might have to find a new job and won't have the time or money to see her until then because of my lack of finances and my school commitment. My SO and I go through our emotional bouts. For awhile I have to say I was the guilty one for letting my stress get to me at home and work. on top of feeling down about not having seen my SO since I said my goodbyes to her when I had to move away. For the first few/several weeks of our relationship, and after I moved. I had some annoying and recurring "me" issues as far as my confidence. I just couldn't understand what I did or how I got so lucky to win the heart of such a beautiful and sweet woman. After awhile I was able to push all of that aside and just enjoy my relationship. I still had my ups and down's and my SO was so supportive and would stay up late with me talking my problems out with me. I don't think I can ever thank her enough for being so patient with me. I will admit, I was hard headed and stubborn, so several times while it was very apparent I was crying. She would ask what was wrong and I'd give her my fool proof and genius answer of: Nothing baby. My allergies are just flaring up tonight. Which I knew she seen right through. Things are going alright for me now and I've been able to resolve a lot of the stuff that was weighing down on me. I feel like once I finally started letting the flood gates open and laid it all out on the table, I felt like my SO and I grew so much closer and I'm really glad that I finally chose to quit being stubborn and actually talk to her about what was on my mind.
Getting to my point here. I'm more or less okay and have come to terms with how things are going to have to be as far as a LDR until I can finish school and start saving to close the distance.I'm doing well in school, as a matter of fact, I'm doing the best I've ever done in school. I'm extremely positive about the future and I know as long as I keep my head in the books and keep doing well in school, Once I graduate next quarter, It'll only be a matter of time before I can start looking into closing the distance between my SO and I. So, Here lies my big problem. As of late, My SO has been having really terrible nights. She is a lot like how I was being for several months. We could be having the best conversation ever and the next second it just hits you that there you are in your bed all alone for another night. I'm going to put this out in the open. I'm the most stubborn hard headed person EVER when it comes to expressing emotions. I'm use to bottling everything up inside until I just pop and let it all out from time to time. Well as of late, and I know the old saying. You shouldn't throw a brick if you live in a house of glass. But my SO has been extremely stubborn about her emotions. We can be having a nice conversation while laughing, talking, and carrying on, and then the phone just goes silent. So I try to get her to talk and I try not to badger her or pester her about what's on her mind. I just want to try to get her to talk to me and to open up. I can sit there and talk to her in the softest tones and reassure her of everything and tell her how much I love her, cherish her, think about her, and miss her. I try not to come off as pushy or over dramatic, But I try to let her know that I worry about her when she's down and it makes me feel bad when she feel's bad and I can't do anything to fix it because she won't tell me what's on her mind. 9 times out of 10 I have a pretty solid idea of what it is that has her going. I just want my baby to be able to talk to me. I don't have mind reading powers and unless she let's me in, I can't help fix it and cheer her up. I'll ask her several times what's a matter and she pulls the same stupid BS that I use to pull and she'll tell me "Nothings wrong baby. my nose is just a little runny." or something to that effect. I can ultimately get her to talk to me, but it usually takes me ALL NIGHT. If she's having a bad night, I will sit on the phone with her all night, just like any night. But I honestly run out of things to say to her to make her feel better and things for us to talk about to try to cheer her up. So if she's upset, we're usually sitting in silence because I honestly don't know what to say or do for her because at that point I've pretty much said and done everything I can possibly do/offer to her as far as support over the phone. There's times where she'll cry all night and I get to the point where I get upset and start crying because I just don't know what to do to make things better for her. Once she gets me going, my emotions suck for the rest of the night. I feel bad that I can't make her feel better and all of my other inadequacy's and my own problems start surfacing and I'm just an emotional wreck. Awhile later she'll finally start to come around and things can start to get on a semi happy positive note, but by this time I'm wrecked and I feel terrible, and then she's gotta put up with my emotional side until I can calm myself down or ultimately get to the point where I'm so upset I've exhausted myself to the point of passing out.
This isn't a "I can't take the emotions anymore" kind of post or in anyway a "I've given up" kind of thing. It's not and I would never give up on her. I love my SO more than anything in this world. I'm just worried that unless she quits being stubborn and opens up a little bit more about her emotions when they're running rampant, I feel like one day it may send her over the edge and I might lose her or she'll lose faith in me and give up on the relationship. She's not that kind of woman, but emotions can be a terrible thing at times and can cause you to make irrational decisions. I don't want to lose her. I've been open, honest, and have laid it all out on the table since day one of our relationship, and yes that includes throwing all my faults out in the open as well. I've given up several opportunities and cut several of my plans short throughout our relationship just to make sure I was home for our daily/nightly phone dates. I've spent money that I really couldn't afford to spend to make sure I don't let my phone shut off or if it does get shut off, I make sure I have my account renewed and my phone back on within 12-24 hours. I send her email after email for days at a time which always have recently taken pictures, as in I took them right before I sent the email or I was in the process of finishing up writing it and all I had to do was attach the pix I took and then send it. If I fall asleep in the afternoons (I'm a night owl, So I don't go to sleep until the sun comes up..) and she texts me, she would get discouraged and send me 3-4 texts in a row because I didn't text her for whatever reason and say something in one of her texts that made me feel terrible, even though it's nothing major and I honestly shouldn't view it as such a big deal, because it's not like she's saying anything out of line or cold. Sometimes I can just sense it that she's frustrated or she'll make little smart comments and it hits me in the heart and makes me feel terrible I send her a bunch of pictures, and for awhile, up until recently when I got sick of taking the same pictures of myself in the same pose, with the same crappy lighting in my room, with the same stupid plastered smile on my face so I don't look like such a jerk or I don't look like I'm upset when I'm really not. I use to send her 5-8+ pictures daily in an email with a cute little love note attached to them. When she went out a few months back with a friend for her friends birthday, I asked her if it wasn't to much trouble when she got home, just to snap me a picture so I could see how pretty she looked in her "Night out on the town" outfit. All I got was a text at 3am saying "I'm home baby, crawling into bed." When we talk at night 9 times out of 10 I always have to be the one who calls her. When I call her it's typical for me to put her to bed because I stay up all night, which I love doing. but it's always my responsibility to call her at night and I always have to be the one who
comes up with all of the stuff to talk about. It happens at least once or twice throughout our 6+ hour phone call that 3/4's consists of her out cold snoring, but if I quit talking the phone will go dead silent and she'll constantly ask why I'm not talking to her.
I love her with all of my heart, Sometime's I just feel like i'm the one doing all of the opening up as far as feelings go and I'm the one who has to hold all the conversations.. I know she works full time, but you know what? I work too, and I've got the stress and the extra work load of school assignments on top of my crappy job. Sometimes it would just be nice for her to be the one to call to me, to be the one who sends me a cute little text message, or a romantic "Hey Stud" email whether it be a paragraph long like mine use to be or a couple lines long that they've transformed into for me. It would just be nice to be the one who gets called for a change, gets a romantic "hey stud" email, and gets sent a couple cute pictures instead of always having to be the one who does it all.
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