Hey guys. I've been lurking around here for a little while and wasn't sure about ever posting, but I think I've gotten to the point where doing so would be a good idea. So - hello out there! Nice to meet you all. Here's my little tale of woe.
I currently live in Spain and my boyfriend lives in the States. We haven't dated very long - not even four months - but have known each other and been close friends for years. I have anxiety and he has depression, which means that we both have some pretty significant idiosyncrasies. My first month in Spain was exceedingly difficult and my anxiety made it hard for me to adapt to the cultural differences - buying fruit, taking the bus, figuring out the showers, etc. Luckily, I was able to get comfort and solace from him. Things quickly got better for me, but worse for him. He's in his first semester at college and - in my opinion - making a ton of stupid choices. He gets drunk all the time, skips class and procrastinates on his work, and won't go to see the psych counselors at our school. The night before I left for Spain, he got so drunk that I had to clean up his vomit, get him to come out of the bathroom he had locked himself into, and call 911 because I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not. This past weekend, he got trashed and made out with another girl, even though we're not in an open relationship. He drunk-texted me to tell me he had done something bad, but not what it was, and I was left the entire day wondering what had happened. When we finally talked about it, we both got frustrated and he hung up on me. He immediately sent me a message on Facebook telling me to come back, but I wouldn't because I didn't want to be hung up on again. After that, he sent me a message telling me he was going to get help and stop his destructive behaviors. He said he would do this for me, and not for him. If he did it for him, he said, he wouldn't be able to.
Great, right? It is, but his behavior in general still worries me. He's depressed all the time and doesn't want to talk. I don't know if he's taking his medication. If I try to help him, he shies away and won't reply. I put a lot of effort into this relationship - always initiating conversations, sending him links, etc. - and he sometimes doesn't say anything back. He's currently involved in theater and is struggling to learn his lines. He only revealed this to the director - a friend of mine - because I put major pressure on him for a month to do so. I convinced him to make an appointment with a local therapist, which he then skipped. I don't want to be his mom or his therapist, but it's starting to feel like he won't do anything to help himself unless I MAKE him do it. The bottom line is that he doesn't know how to ask for help or communicate himself very well. I have repeatedly gotten frustrated about his lack of communicativeness - if I send a message or an email, I expect it to be answered, at least most of the time - but I wonder if he's too depressed to take it to heart. We love each other so much, but lately I've felt like I'm carrying him on my back - from 4,000 miles away. I feel physically weighed down and tired all the time. And maybe most importantly, I don't want to create a co-dependency situation. But maybe this feeling is common in LDRs? I really have no idea, as this is my first LDR.
So...help? I will probably write you sonnets and send you orchids if you can. Or even, you know, make me think this can work. I love him so much that it feels viscerally painful to watch him struggle, but I love myself too, and I know I deserve better than this going on for months or years.
-Isa
I currently live in Spain and my boyfriend lives in the States. We haven't dated very long - not even four months - but have known each other and been close friends for years. I have anxiety and he has depression, which means that we both have some pretty significant idiosyncrasies. My first month in Spain was exceedingly difficult and my anxiety made it hard for me to adapt to the cultural differences - buying fruit, taking the bus, figuring out the showers, etc. Luckily, I was able to get comfort and solace from him. Things quickly got better for me, but worse for him. He's in his first semester at college and - in my opinion - making a ton of stupid choices. He gets drunk all the time, skips class and procrastinates on his work, and won't go to see the psych counselors at our school. The night before I left for Spain, he got so drunk that I had to clean up his vomit, get him to come out of the bathroom he had locked himself into, and call 911 because I couldn't tell if he was breathing or not. This past weekend, he got trashed and made out with another girl, even though we're not in an open relationship. He drunk-texted me to tell me he had done something bad, but not what it was, and I was left the entire day wondering what had happened. When we finally talked about it, we both got frustrated and he hung up on me. He immediately sent me a message on Facebook telling me to come back, but I wouldn't because I didn't want to be hung up on again. After that, he sent me a message telling me he was going to get help and stop his destructive behaviors. He said he would do this for me, and not for him. If he did it for him, he said, he wouldn't be able to.
Great, right? It is, but his behavior in general still worries me. He's depressed all the time and doesn't want to talk. I don't know if he's taking his medication. If I try to help him, he shies away and won't reply. I put a lot of effort into this relationship - always initiating conversations, sending him links, etc. - and he sometimes doesn't say anything back. He's currently involved in theater and is struggling to learn his lines. He only revealed this to the director - a friend of mine - because I put major pressure on him for a month to do so. I convinced him to make an appointment with a local therapist, which he then skipped. I don't want to be his mom or his therapist, but it's starting to feel like he won't do anything to help himself unless I MAKE him do it. The bottom line is that he doesn't know how to ask for help or communicate himself very well. I have repeatedly gotten frustrated about his lack of communicativeness - if I send a message or an email, I expect it to be answered, at least most of the time - but I wonder if he's too depressed to take it to heart. We love each other so much, but lately I've felt like I'm carrying him on my back - from 4,000 miles away. I feel physically weighed down and tired all the time. And maybe most importantly, I don't want to create a co-dependency situation. But maybe this feeling is common in LDRs? I really have no idea, as this is my first LDR.
So...help? I will probably write you sonnets and send you orchids if you can. Or even, you know, make me think this can work. I love him so much that it feels viscerally painful to watch him struggle, but I love myself too, and I know I deserve better than this going on for months or years.
-Isa
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