Breakup.. NEED ADVICE PLEASE

[ThingsForgotten]

Hey everyone I'm new to this.. but let's see how it goes!

I have been with me SO for just over 8 months. We were best friends for over a year before that. He is three years older than me and we get along amazingly. He is in the military and is stationed overseas. Our whole relationship consists of facebook messages and skype calls.

Over the summer, we broke up for a couple days. I was rude and he just pushed me away and out of the picture. After we got back together, he told me that he was sure that I was the one for him. No other girl could take my place.

Because he's in the military we have talked a lot about marriage and how to make both of our lives work out together. I started college this fall and he was worried we'd lose each other in the big change. We didn't and we actually grew a lot closer.

However, I struggled with how often I'd get to talk to him. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand how busy people in the military are. But there would be times when I just felt like I was always waiting around for him.

He had an exercise for a week and I'd only get a message or two a day from him. Which I expected. But then when he was done with it and he was off for the weekend, I didn't really hear from him at all. We had made plans to skype and catch up after his hectic week. He played video games with his brother over xbox instead.

So I finally asked him what was going on with us. I felt like he was dodging me. We hadn't said "I love you" in a week and we hadn't talked like a couple at all. He said he didn't know and he didn't wanna talk about it. Finally after a couple of days, I told him that I was tired of it. He got mad and yelled at me via Facebook message.

Finally, I sent him a message to break up because he wouldn't skype with me. I said a lot.. including, "I love you and I want to be with you, but I can't be right now".

Biggest mistake.

He didn't even really care. We all know how our SO responds to things.. how they act when they're upset. He didn't even sound like that. So I messaged him a four days later to clarify that I didn't do it out of anger.

He told me that he is over it. He's ready to move on and he EXPECTS me to do the same. WHAT. 8 months plus the promise of forever... and he's over it in FOUR DAYS. Worst part was that I could tell he was serious. Not covering up his feelings or anything. He said friendship was "up in the air for now" and that maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I have never in my life felt so sure of something. I discussed online schooling and everything just to go be with him. We made plans to close the distance. Now that's gone and I don't even have my best friend anymore.

What should I do? Get him back? Leave him be? I miss him like crazy. My heart actually aches. SOMEBODY HELP! however ya'll can, please!

THANK YOU!

[snow_girl]

Leave him be. There was something there that didn't feel right anymore and you can't have a one sided relationship. It doesn't sound like he wants to get back together and what kind of friendship can you have when you barely talk as it is?

[Lindsay91]

My advice would be to leave it be, but leave him with the option of coming back unless you absolutely don't want to be with him anymore. What I'm saying is, don't burn the bridge, and don't wait for him, just be kind and respectful towards him since he was your best friend, after all. Maybe he will want you back, and maybe he won't. But leave that option there in case he decides that he wants you back. It's possible that he just wants space, or that he's confused about what he wants. Give it some time and see what happens. Just don't push anything, that could make things worse.

I don't know your relationship, but I've been in similar situations with my SO and that is the best advice I can give based on my experiences with men.

[rubydissolution]

I agree with the others, let him be. He's in the military and stressed already, try not to put anymore stress on him over this. And maybe that's also why he's not as bothered as he should be by this. It's one less stressful thing in his life....and in yours as a first year college student. He probably doesn't want to hurt you by his lack of ability to communicate anymore. I get you understand how little skype time you get with someone in his line of work, but it still placed demands on him.

You are 18, you shouldn't be thinking about "he's the one" or getting married. You should be focusing on school and your professional future. I know this hurts now, but it will fade. Hopefully you two can maintain your friendship eventually. And maybe somewhere down the line you can get back together. Just put it on the back burner for now.

[SJ22]

So you are the one breaking up, he agrees, and now he's the 'bad guy'?
Since you said ''WHAT. 8 months plus the promise of forever... and he's over it in FOUR DAYS''
Anyways, everyone deals with break ups their own way. He might care a lot, or maybe he will start to care soon.
You ll never know

[chubbyq]

yes! just let him be.. after all if He is that intimately interested with you he will find time (even a minute or two) just to hear your voice or to just check if your okay.. he will find time to make you feel special even how far the distance between the two of you.. just save the friendship

[THINK2MUCH]

Same as the others, I'd say (for your own sake) leave him be.
I might be wrong, but to me it seems like he had been avoiding you in hopes that you'd take the first step and finish the relationship.
Now, I suppose that you sent him that break up message only to serve as a wake up call... Well, I think that by the time he got it, he had already made up his mind about the whole thing.
This is going to sound cruel but...He told you that he has already moved on, so at this point I'm afraid there's not much you can do except getting over it yourself.
It's logical that you want to keep being friends with someone you were so close to, but I guess for that to happen it's important that you come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over first.

You are 18, you shouldn't be thinking about "he's the one" or getting married. You should be focusing on school and your professional future. I know this hurts now, but it will fade. Hopefully you two can maintain your friendship eventually. And maybe somewhere down the line you can get back together. Just put it on the back burner for now.

<- I think this a very good piece of advice.

Good luck!!!

[Zantanada]

Don't fight for the person that won't fight for you.

[80anthea]

You broke up with him. ... what did you expect to happen?

[Black_Halloween]

You left him, what did you expect? Did you want him to hurt? Hes got bigger fish to fry. Just leave him be and move on.

[Kristin91]

He told me that he is over it. He's ready to move on and he EXPECTS me to do the same. WHAT. 8 months plus the promise of forever... and he's over it in FOUR DAYS.

First, I just want to point out that he said he's ready to move on, not that he already has. And you should definitely leave him be, this is the second time the two of you have broken up and it doesn't sound like you can make it work. Just leave it be.

[ThingsForgotten]

Thank you to everyone who has responded so far!

Just to clarify, I did break up with him.. but not to hurt him. Last thing I wanted to do. I was just surprised by his reaction.

Based off of what ya'll have said, I'm definitely going to leave him be. You are all certainly right about that. I just know that you guys all probably have far more experience than I do. And I just needed the insight.

I am young and it was definitely too soon to talk about a future. But with the military, you sometimes have to. Especially when that's the only option you're given in order to close the distance.

I am struggling to get over it all. But you can't be in a relationship giving 110% while they aren't giving at least 100% into it.
Busy or not, he knew what he was committing to before we started dating and he should have considered the pressure it would have put on him. I can't continue to apologize to him or rationalize his decisions when they are, as noted, HIS decisions.

So thank you all once again. I really do appreciate it. I am so grateful to have been given the extra advice that I really clearly needed.

Ya'll are the best!
-L

[THINK2MUCH]

I'm sure you must be going through a very difficult time, (sorry about that) but you sound like a strong, smart girl...and yet you're so young (you should be proud of yourself).
I think you made the right decision.
Glad to hear you're Ok.

Good luck!!!

[ThingsForgotten]

Not sure if any of you are on here anymore. But fast forward about 2.5 years and we are finally back together. After the break up we didn't talk for six months. It was rough but I knew we needed space to become friends again. He's stationed back in the states again, and I'm planning on moving out by him for the summer to finally (temporarily) close the distance!! Thank you guys for your advice during that break up. We were so young and immature for the type of relationship we were in. Now that we're older and far more mature, it's been great. This guy is the love of my life. I'm glad I listened to the advice and let him be. We're better now because of it. So thank you all again

[Cup]

Wow! I logged on to i don't know, vent because of my recent break up and i get this.
First of all, i am happy for you two!!
How did it progress? Did you see other people?If yes, while you were with them, how did you feel about your bf? How long before you did get back together, i'm confused xD Who broke the silence? and finally, how did you know it would be better to get back together? Sorry for all the questions!

Congratulations!