Need someone to give me a perspective

[farawaynow]

This is my first post here. And I really need some insight from experienced LDR folks here.

I have asked and confided to my closest friends, my family and we still unable to make up our mind. I truly appreciate any form of advice anyone can give me.

Our story:
Both of us are from Singapore when we met in 2012. We started causally dating with the knowledge that he is going to be relocated to Malaysia and I to China due to career opportunities. After 7 months, we decided to go for our opportunities and started long distance.

First of all, we just gotten to know each other and as much as we are in love, we are realistic and mature. We did not want to throw away our career opportunities after slaving for it for so long and since our relationship is so young especially both of us gotten out of long bad relationships.

The long distance only pull our feelings for each other closer and he proposed after 4 months apart from each other! Who could have predicted that long distance did not break us instead bond us even stronger together?

Efforts:
I guess we have been more fortunate. We flew to each other once every 2 months. We text, call each other everyday. We face time each other once every 2 days.

Situation:
He is in Malaysia with his company not having presence in China or Singapore. I am in China with my company not having presence in Malaysia. Both of our careers in our companies are great and we both enjoy significantly working in our companies. Both of us are financially sound.

Eventually, we decided that I should move to Malaysia. However, I am bound by contract to finish my 2 years terms. Currently, I am left with 1.5 years left. We really don't want to pay the penalty when the money could put into good use especially when I relocate to Malaysia without a job.

Both of us are into our thirties and we want to start a family soon.

Options:
We have been playing several options in our minds. And came down to two.

- I move back to Singapore where my company have presence there and continue with whatever time I am bound. Malaysia is 200 miles from Singapore. When time is up, I'll relocate to Malaysia.
Cons: I'll upset superiors in my company (both China and Singapore) who has been rooting me to commit for 2 years. I have already spoken to them and they didn't really want to see me go back to Singapore.

- I stay put in China and continue with whatever time I am bound. When time is up, I'll relocate to Malaysia.
Cons: Its harder for us to fly to each other with nearly 3000 miles apart.


Any advices, please? Thank you in advance.

[Riyko]

Wait why do you have to move to him, why couldn't he find a job in his industry in China? You could both even move back to Singapore and find jobs in your industries there.

As for advice, i'd say for the best of both of you to stay where you are at the moment and work in your respective industries and travel to see each other from time to time

[farawaynow]

Hi Riyko,

Thank you so much for your reply.

It will be hard, not impossible but really hard for him to find a job in China due to language barrier. (I can speak both English and Chinese.) The biggest factor here is both of us do not want to raise family in China, given the pollution here (its really bad).

As for moving back to Singapore, it will mean I give up my opportunities here and he gave his up in Malaysia which results in a lose lose situation. I rather one of us sacrifice than both.

We would stay where we are if I am 10 years younger with no biological clock ticking away like a time bomb. LOL!

Thank you again for your advice. We will give it some further thoughts on what you suggested.

[mllebamako]

I would probably choose option 1 if it were me. You still have 1.5 years left, which is quite some time. And I'd rather be closer to my SO and be able to see him more often. Your superiors may be upset but, business is business and they'll understand or, at the very least, they'll get over it- people quit jobs or relocate all of the time. You have to do what's best for you. (But take my advice with a grain of salt because I am someone who would always choose love/family over career).

[OperaDiva]

I hope this isn't hijacking your thread, but since I am a lawyer, I couldn't help but think about your contract. Are you sure that you cannot terminate it without paying penalty? Is there no clause about giving notice - telling them one or two months in advance that you want to quit? I am not familiar with Chinese law though.

[80anthea]

When you're in your 70s-80s and looking back on life do you think you will regret not taking the opportunity to make a family or regret not having a good career. Whichever is th most important for YOU then go for it.

[Schlafmütze]

I agree with this.

When you're in your 70s-80s and looking back on life do you think you will regret not taking the opportunity to make a family or regret not having a good career. Whichever is th most important for YOU then go for it.

[Fretboard_Magic]

China, especially Beijing these days, has been experiencing some hardcore pollution problems. Here in Japan, we're hearing on TV, like ALL THE TIME as of late, about this particular air pollutant known as PM2.5 causing some serious problems in China. We're basically concerned about the issue because the wind from China containing PM2.5 may(and has) hit parts of Japan and causing health problems. But I digress... The point is, OP, I think you've made the right decision in terms of where you want to start a family of your own, especially at this time.

Now, I think OperaDiva has raised a very good point. OP, I think you should really look into the termination process of your contract, perhaps with a lawyer's help even. If you move to Malaysia, you'll have to either find another company to work for, or you prepare to start your own family(I understand your concern in regards to the "biological clock" ticking, lol), anyway. In any case, you will ultimately be parting ways with your current company, so it pretty much boils down to the question of "when". You've already said you're financially secure. So, the worst case scenario being that you pay the penalty for terminating your current contract... Is it something you can afford? Or, do you feel comfortable staying in a long distance relationship for another year and a half? These are a few of the questions that you and your partner both have probably asked yourselves, and each other, on more than one occasion. As 80anthea has said, it basically comes down to whether you want to put your career first or starting your family first. This is something you both need to really think about, with your "biological time bomb" also taken into consideration.

I'm not necessarily doing all that great financially because what I do career wise is not a stable line of work. But if I was financially sound, then I'd take some risks to close the distance with my SO since I'd like to do that ASAP(who doesn't, right? lol). That's just me, though.

[farawaynow]

First of all, thank you all for your replies. Appreciate very much that each of you took time to response.

Dear milebamako,
Thanks for your insight. It is helpful. After constant years of putting love over career, I have decided to place career over love until I met my fiancé who is so different from the other jerks I have wasted my time with. Now I have to reconsider my decision and go for one last shot of love.

I really do not want my superiors to be upset after all, I'll still need to face them if I do go back to Singapore to finish up my time.


Dear OperaDiva,
I tried. I went to my lawyer and I spoke to various of HR, relocation specialists in my company in China as well as Singapore. I had asked fellow colleagues who had signed the contracts as well. There's no getting out unless I'm terminally ill. And I really do not want to waste time and money to fight a case here.

It is not my intention to leave the company in bad taste after the wonderful opportunities they have given me in my career. I will not bite the hand that feed me. In fact, my contract stated I have to stay in China. It was some discussion they decided if I do want to relocate back to the Singapore branch, they will not penalise me.

But it is an option that first cross my mind, so thank you for the advice.


Dear 80anthea,
You have pointed out a very truthful strong statement. I read it and my first response is...Love and Family! Because if it is not love and family, I wouldn't have any problem here. I could have requested from him to continue climbing in my career while taking a risk with my relationship. But it is selfish and not something I want either.

I have gotten a clear answer in me from your statement. Thanks!


Dear Fretboard_Magic,
Thank you so much in writing such a long post. You are so right about the pollution and the health risks it poses. I never planned to migrate to China anyways. My initial plans was to relocate for 2 -3 years then move back to Singapore. I seriously do not want to raise a kid here with such poor conditions and environment.

Like above reply to OperaDiva, I have looked into it but no avail. So it boils down to: Do we really want to cough up USD20,000 or bear for another 1.5 years? Although we can afford to pay without breaking the bank, the money could put in good use for our future. I wouldn't worry that much if I can't find a job in Malaysia within a year with that kind of nest egg. Or I could use it for a deposit for our first home in Malaysia.

But you are right. We did visit this conversation gazillion times and it will be use as a last resort basis. Meaning that we will definitely do that if our relationship is on the rocks. Or one of us can't stand the distance any longer. Meanwhile, I guess we will chose to ride it out.

So its boil down to 200 miles or 2300 miles. Should I move now then have to move again one year later or should I stay put then move in 1.5 years? Even 200 miles apart, we couldn't start a family without being in the same country so it is frustrating for both of us. We really have to be in the same country before we take the next big step in our lives.

[temporaryuser]

if it were me, I would opt to relocate to Singapore. You will still be with the same company, and keeping good will with them for a future reference. You will be close enough to your so that you can see him regularly, but still be able to focus on work. In the grand scheme of things, 1.5 years is totally doable with both of you being in a good career.

[farawaynow]

Hi subeasley,

Thanks for your insight. Love your optimistic views. I definitely want to strike up a win win situation. Your advice gives me direction and something to deeply consider.


I would love for anyone else to voice their opinions because I want to make sure I have exhausted all kind of alternatives and pick the best choice from the pile. This is our future and I want to make sure both of us make the best decision.

[SeeRat]

I would go for option 1