Giving Things Up?

[nic&matt]

Hello everyone,

I know many of you don't know me and/or don't remember me. I haven't been on in a while due to college and a full-time job.
My boyfriend and I are both in college and have been long distance/dating for over three years now. Needless to say, we're sick of it!

A dilemma has just arisen and I would love some advice or to talk to anyone who's "been there, done that". My boyfriend will be done with school in 3 semesters (Spring of 2015). Once he's done with school, I'll have about two years left since I'm two years younger than him. I just assumed (silly me) that he would come to where I am so we can end this stupid long distance once and for all. I just found out now though that he wants to go into a three year grad school program right after he's done and he's even going to apply to a prestigious music school in Germany (we both live in the US).

I feel like I can't take three more years. I was holding on because I saw the light at the end of the tunnel, but now what?
I want him to pursue his dreams, and I support him in every way, don't get me wrong. If he got into his dream school, I wouldn't guilt him into dropping it for me. I guess I just feel hurt that he wouldn't take the opportunity to be with me. I have dreams of taking fellowships in other countries and pursuing multiple degrees as well, but I was going to put that on hold to stop the long distance. Now I feel like if he's not willing to give some things up or put them on hold, neither should I.

Am I being incredibly stupid or stubborn? Should I fully and freely pursue my educational dreams if he pursues his, or should I put my own selfishness aside and take whatever opportunity I can, regardless of his actions?


Thanks to everyone who actually read all the way through that. Any and all advice is welcome!

[squeeker]

I remember seeing you around before!!

And I really understand in a way how you might feel about the change in plans. Throughout the time my SO and I have been together, our plans have changed significantly, and we are likely facing many years until we can close the distance. We ended up going back to university and actually it's a pretty similar to yours, except we are both older than you by a few years. My boyfriend is graduating in summer of 2015 and if all goes to plan I should graduate in 2017, maybe 2018 if I can't get all my courses on time. My boyfriend wanted to go to grad school initially but then realized the degree he wanted to do he wouldn't be able to do so is now looking to get work and save up and we'll go from there.

I have already experienced so many changes in plans, it has made me into a fairly flexible person open to many options, though we both want to close the distance as soon as we can. Though it's difficult because it's initially international.

I can see why you would feel like you do when he could potentially end up studying in a different country. Though if he does, then he'll be finished a year after you finish your undergraduate degree.. and I think that if you have other dreams, you should look to see what you can do to complete them, even if it means not closing the distance right away.. because you don't want to regret not doing them. It depends on how badly you want them, or how likely you could do them when you close the distance with your SO.

Try to relax, keep your options open to what you want to do after you graduate. And I think definitely let your SO go study abroad if he really wants to.. because you don't want to stop him from his dreams. Don't worry though, you are totally capable of getting through more long distance if you have to, and have found the right guy for you, because although it seems impossible, you can get through it day by day until you can be together permanently.

I hope you are okay, good luck.

[differentcountries]

seems to me that no matter what you do, it will be long distance for you the next 1 1/2 years. Assumption is the killer of relationships. We has been upfront about his dreams and goals, now it is time for you to do the same and he should not assume all is ok by you. Only then can the two of you find out together what you should do. The main thing is that you actually have a common plan, even if it is a loose one. Even international distance can be done, or you might try to find out if there is a way for the two of you to be together or closer. Was there really any change in plans? or just assuptions... I have too had them and they always served me bad. Even good things are better to find out upfront.

[OperaDiva]

I guess I am on the other end of your situation. My dreams took me and my SO into LDR. When I found out it was a real option (it didn't work out, but the next one did) I went to him, crying, asking if we should just end it there and then to not get hurt by me leaving, or if he wanted me to stay. He said he never wanted to take away anything from my life and that he wanted to try to be together, even if it meant spending some time apart. I love that man!
I know it is not the same as your situation, but what struck a cord with me in your story is the word "dreams".
I don't know how corny I am going to sound saying this, but a person without their dreams is just an empty shell. I have met so many people who "gave up" on some ambition or goal because they thought they were doing it for the sake of their relationship, and I think most of them are miserable. And I don't want to sound condescending, but you are 19. There is so much you can do, so much you can learn and so much you can experience. Please for the love of all that is holly do not "put your life on hold". Like squeeker said, you can be flexible. And if your relationship was meant to be, it will make it

[Safihre]

seems to me that no matter what you do, it will be long distance for you the next 1 1/2 years. Assumption is the killer of relationships. We has been upfront about his dreams and goals, now it is time for you to do the same and he should not assume all is ok by you. Only then can the two of you find out together what you should do. The main thing is that you actually have a common plan, even if it is a loose one. Even international distance can be done, or you might try to find out if there is a way for the two of you to be together or closer. Was there really any change in plans? or just assuptions... I have too had them and they always served me bad. Even good things are better to find out upfront.

A year ago my relationship seemed doomed, going from CD to LDR, we dreaded the visits with a limited time frame even before we actually had them. We had degrees to finish etc. hopeless, we thought!
Now I found a way to have a temporary (good!) job for the first half of 2014 in the place where my SO studies.
What I am trying to say: there are ways to be together that you just haven't thought of yet, and with 1.5 years to go you still have plenty of time to find a way.

And I know everybody can easily say "it can be done", but 3 years of international LDR with 6 time zones in between would not be worth it for me (personally). My average state of happiness has just been lower this past year, due to the time apart.

[temporaryuser]

dont ever give up your dreams for a SO. You are young. if you put off on grad school, fellowships or any other opportunities that may be there (both of you) they may not ever present themselves again. You may think putting something like that off for a few years is ok, and that you will look into it down the road. But down the road there will be other obligations getting in the way of those dreams.
is it selfish for you to ask him not to persue his dreams? YES. My SO was married before. He went thru Law enforcement school. he was invited to join the secret service which would have required them to move. neither of them were in school, they had no kids, yet she put her foot down and said no and he went along with it. later he wanted to persue a degree in nursing (he is a paramedic as well). again she said no because him going to school to further his education would take money and time away from her. he agreed and didnt go.
To this day, he holds it against her that he did not follow his dreams (he is now working on his masters in nursing, which I fully support even tho it lengthened the time we are ld).
Should you put off your dreams for him? Again, no. You are young. if this relationaship is meant to last it will survive the time and the distance. You are still talking about a year and a half before he graduates and can apply to anything. There is no guarantee he will get into the school in germany. There is a chance he will change his mind about what he wants to do by then. But by demading that you close the distance when he graduates will put a unnecessary strain n your relationship that doesnt even need to be there.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

OHAI!!! You've been on my mind lately! I was wondering what happened to you. Glad to see you around these parts again.

You're definitely entitled to feel hurt. Just don't stop your SO from going for his dreams. You both are laying the groundwork for your future together. Look at your signature..."We've been hopeful for..." That right there shows me that you CAN do it! My SO is either graduating in December 2014 or May 2016. So, right now we have no idea what the plan is and it's all up in the air. I'm learning to take a step back and focus on one day at a time. He's going to be moving to California for the summer for a paid internship with Facebook or Palantir, so we're going to be adding a time difference to our relationship and I'm terrified. But, we have to do this. One day, this will all be worth it. If you do tell him not to go for it, I think he could start to feel resentment and that's never good. You never know what could happen...he may not even get into the program. Just try not to hold him back. Life is short, we don't want to go out with regrets. I know it's hard, but we're all here for you and you can do it!!! Hang in there.

[cmonte125]

hey sweetie. so like im in a similar situation as you are, although im not in college yet. But the guy i do love is in college now and im a junior in highschool. Him and I aren't dating but he wants me to go to him right when i graduate and go to his school... basically pick up and leave my whole life and family for him. But i have complete different dreams then him. You are NOT being selffish or stubborn at all. I know what your going through to an extent. If he wants to do this & apply to other schools then you have to let him do that. You might have to take a break for a awhile and see how things go. Its hard i know but you also have dreams yourself and yu must follow them. Don't ever put your life on hold for somebody, you only have one life to live. In the end you WILL make the right decision for yourself and he will as well. i truely wish you the best of luck & fate has a very weird way of working.. dont forget that xoxo

[Deleted]

Wow, this is a tough situation. I will empathise with you. Be there to support him in his decisions.

I wouldn't give up just now, but instead let things play out. Nothing is for sure at the moment. Assuming the worst can be a dangerous thing to do, and I wouldn't do that just yet.

Hang in there! I believe in you.