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Are these normal issues in LDR? Argh! :\

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    Are these normal issues in LDR? Argh! :\

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months, friends for about 19 months. We are not without flaws and without our problems, and there have definitely been times I feel like, can this really work? There's quite a big age gap between us as well. So we're on different paths currently, but trying so hard to keep things going smoothly. He's 20 years old and in college, (And will be in college for the next 9-10 years) works full time but lives at home with his family. I'm 26 and am ready to settle down and have a family. I work, have my own place, bills to pay, all that stuff. So for me, even though I'm a bit more flexible with my schedule than he is, I have less money to be able to visit him. So that's definitely the hardest part about our relationship. Being on two totally different paths and trying to merge them together. The age gap is huge, and to be honest, sometimes it's embarrassing having to admit that. Whereas with him, he sees no problem with our age difference and doesn't like it when I bring up age. He doesn't want to hear "Well you don't understand because you're so young, or because you're only 20."

    It's been rough at times, wondering if I should just give up and find someone locally, even though I know how difficult that would be given the fact it's hard for me to really put myself out there. But I also realize that there's no one else I want to be with. I don't want to throw away 16 months just because I don't think he calls or texts enough, or we don't talk enough, or we don't Skype enough. I'm also trying to take into consideration he's a man, a young man at that and I'm probably not going to be his number 1 priority, considering he works, goes to school and has a life of his own. How do you handle not feeling valued enough? We've talked about it, and he seems to be oblivious to it. We've even talked about how sometimes he'll go 2, 3 weeks without saying he loves me. Now I'm not one for needing reassurance, but I do need to hear it more than once every 3 weeks.

    He's a good looking man and some would probably ponder how we're even a couple. He's very assertive, very outgoing and I'm the polar opposite. I have social anxiety issues, I'm very shy and keep to myself. He's a Pescetarian, I love chicken. lol There's numerous ways in which we differ. But we're trying to not let these things affect our relationship. I know he loves me, (Only because if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, right?) but sometimes I definitely don't feel it. Sometimes I think, how can two people with such differing mentalities become a cohesive unit? There are also a lot of things we do have in common. Our core values such as family, religious views, political views and world views are spot on. Same with our sense of humor. We feel completely comfortable with one another, whereas, with other people we've met, we didn't have that comfortable feeling.

    We have met in person once, last Thanksgiving he came to visit for a couple days. It was wonderful. But I do ask him quite frequently (Once a month or two) when he plans on coming to visit again. He will make plans and say oh MAYBE I can come visit next week, or in a couple weeks, but they always fall through, which leaves me feeling very disappointed. I don't feel as though I'm a needy person. I'm a very independent person. I like having ME time, doing things alone and by myself. But with him, I do feel a bit angered when he goes an entire day without even so much as sending 1 (ONE) text to say "Hey, was thinking of you. I'm having a super busy day, I love you, I'll text/call when/if I can." I'd be totally okay with that. But I feel a bit disrespected when he doesn't even have the common decency to do that. Am I just being whiny? This is both of our longest relationship thus far. I personally feel like I have more experience under my belt because I am older, and I have had longer relationships. So I'm trying to be understanding that this may just come down to simply, he is inexperienced. So when one person is vastly more inexperienced than the other, what do you do? Is it just you suck it up and deal with it, or do you move on and find someone else?

    Also, communication is definitely lacking. Since I am very passive and hate confrontation, when I do start to feel angered, or irritated by him not calling/texting or something he says or does, I usually keep it to myself. I know this is wrong. I'm trying to fix that. I think it's more of a fear. I do worry that if I say to him "I don't like ___" He will just be like well, bye! And yes, I know, if someone is going to give up on a relationship because of something you don't like or agree with, then maybe it wasn't the right relationship in the first place. But it's just hard and confusing sometimes. There has also been times he's done things that are wrong and I let them slide, because for one, they're not a huge deal to me and two, I don't like the idea of bringing up anything confrontational. For instance, in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned he lived on his own. I didn't find out until about 6 months into the relationship that he lived with his family, even though I already knew. I could hear people walk in and talk to him while we were in a Skype call. He'd try to mute his mic, but I'm not stupid. So when he said to me one day, "I'm not sure if you know but I do live at home with my family" I was just like, "Yes, I knew that all along. It's not a big deal." There's been other things like that, him keeping things from me, I'm assuming because he's embarrassed. So I try not to make a big deal about them for his sake and mine. As stated before, me and confrontation -- we don't get along very well. I do try to remind myself that communication is key, we need communication if we want this to work. This relationship has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, other times I feel more sad and lonely than I ever have in my life. Are these things normal in long distance relationships? Please let me know and don't hold anything back.

    #2
    to be honest if i was you i would be feeling the same way :-\ im very sorry you feel this way. Have you thought of taking a brake and see if maybe that will help a little. i dont know how you go that long with out seeing each other me and my BF get fustated cuz we can only see each other once every month or 2 :-\. I feel you guys need to take one day and let him know everything you just told us and maybe he will see it in a differnt way

    Comment


      #3
      These things are relatively normal. My SO was shy about his private life too when we first met, as he does have quite a complicated life. I think he was afraid that these things would scare me away, when really it drew me closer to him, since I understood how it was affecting him and made me know how to be more understanding of him. Maybe he didn't want to scare you away either, just like you don't want to scare him away.

      The problem is, you may be afraid to express your opinion now, and maybe that's normal for now, but look at the big picture. How can you keep a 5 year, 10 year, or 20 year relationship if you still have issues communicating to him on what you need to feel valued? That's really rough, and you shouldn't have to go through that. You should be open and honest with him, because he wants to make you happy. What boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't want to make their SO happy? Don't think about scaring him away. Believe in yourself, because your issues with the relationship are just as important as his. You guys are a team, and heck you guys have been together for 16 months! I'm sure you guys know each other pretty well and will be able to talk through it.

      As for closing the distance, and whether or not it will be worth it... well, I feel like every relationship is different, so I'll just offer my experience. My SO and I have a 3 year difference. He is a sophomore in high school and I'm a freshman in college. By the time we catch up to each other in our stage of life education-wise (him graduating college with a bachelor's degree, if he chooses to take that road), it'll be 7-8 years. Hopefully we'll be able to close the distance before then, but there's no telling if it will turn out that way. We try to take it a day at a time, though. We both know that we're in for the long run, and the time that it takes to close the distance now will mean nothing compared to our potential future life together.

      I hope some of this was helpful, I really wish the best for you guys!

      Comment


        #4
        you are quiet and reserved and couldnt tell him all of these things out loud. What if you write him a letter and include all of these things? That would give him time to process it all before you actually talk about it.
        You could also each rate teh things that are important to you in a relationship - quality time, thoughtful acts, verbal praise, etc. write it out and be very clear about what is important to you and him.
        Only you can decide wether it is worth it to continue the relationship on the path it is taking. how did you meet? Was communication more frequent in the beginning? Has it changed? if not, why do you expect it to now? Do you have plans/hopes to close the distance? Could you not move to where he is? Obviously if he is planning on continuing his education, he is set on his career path. Are you willing to wait?
        everything happens for a reason. We may never find out what that reason is/was, but there is a reason.

        Comment


          #5
          I guess they are common in any relationship, and then magnifies in a LDR relationshop.

          Is there anything your man could do that would make you feel validated, apart from the things you mention? Could he write yon an old-fashioned letter? Take if his clothes in front of the camera? I don't know what you fancy. Dear to show what you like. And ask for it in a nice, non-threatening way. I would recomend Not Violent Communication (NVC) is you have not tryed it. read the book by marchall rosenberg. also; the book The 5 love languages.
          I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
          - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



          "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

          Comment


            #6
            Sorry, I don't think these are normal issues in a relationship, even a long distance one.

            Being made to feel like his whole life is more important than you: not normal. Him being wishy-washy about the next time he'll see you - not normal. Him keeping things from you so much that you notice the inconsistencies - not normal. Going three weeks between saying "I love you" and telling him that's not ok, and him still not making an effort - not normal.

            I feel like, on some level, you're giving him excuses. Yes, he's 20 and he has his own life, but one text in 24h isn't going to take him away from his life. You say you've talked to him about it, but I don't feel like you got through. I like the idea of writing things down if you're not very good at expressing yourself. The thing is, though, that maybe he isn't ready for the kind of relationship you want. I don't know a lot of 20 year old college males who would want to settle down already.
            So, here you are
            too foreign for home
            too foreign for here.
            Never enough for both.

            Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Diaspora Blues

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by VanityDeity View Post
              My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months, friends for about 19 months. We are not without flaws and without our problems, and there have definitely been times I feel like, can this really work? There's quite a big age gap between us as well. So we're on different paths currently, but trying so hard to keep things going smoothly. He's 20 years old and in college, (And will be in college for the next 9-10 years) works full time but lives at home with his family. I'm 26 and am ready to settle down and have a family. I work, have my own place, bills to pay, all that stuff. So for me, even though I'm a bit more flexible with my schedule than he is, I have less money to be able to visit him. So that's definitely the hardest part about our relationship. Being on two totally different paths and trying to merge them together. The age gap is huge, and to be honest, sometimes it's embarrassing having to admit that. Whereas with him, he sees no problem with our age difference and doesn't like it when I bring up age. He doesn't want to hear "Well you don't understand because you're so young, or because you're only 20."
              Honestly,I can see where that would be frustrating for him. Me and my fiance have an even bigger age gap then you and your SO. 9 years to be exact. I'm 22 (23 in January) and he's 31. Being reminded all the time that you're the youngest so you don't understand something or being reminded all the time in general that you're younger then your counterpart is 1)kind of annoying and 2) makes them feel like less of a partner. I only know because I've been there in the past. Just about every guy I've been with was much older then me. There's nothing worse then when your partner drags you down or kinda treats you like a child because you're younger.

              I don't want to throw away 16 months just because I don't think he calls or texts enough, or we don't talk enough, or we don't Skype enough. I'm also trying to take into consideration he's a man, a young man at that and I'm probably not going to be his number 1 priority, considering he works, goes to school and has a life of his own. How do you handle not feeling valued enough? We've talked about it, and he seems to be oblivious to it. We've even talked about how sometimes he'll go 2, 3 weeks without saying he loves me. Now I'm not one for needing reassurance, but I do need to hear it more than once every 3 weeks.
              I see that you've tried talking to him,but have you tried talking to him about it 1) without holding back how you feel out of fear 2) when he's not busy doing anything or working and 3) trying to maybe schedule a serious sit down with him where there will be absolutely NO distraction and explaining to him that it's a reoccurring issue and explain to him what he needs to work on and then see how he does?

              I know he loves me, (Only because if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, right?) but sometimes I definitely don't feel it. Sometimes I think, how can two people with such differing mentalities become a cohesive unit? There are also a lot of things we do have in common. Our core values such as family, religious views, political views and world views are spot on. Same with our sense of humor. We feel completely comfortable with one another, whereas, with other people we've met, we didn't have that comfortable feeling.
              It's possible. Me and my SO are as much different as we are very similar. Our personalities are different. He's very internal,very non confrontational,shy around new people and is very passive aggressive. Me on the other hand am not. I'm more so aggressive,not so internal and will get into confrontation with people if I have to. I don't share the whole,'I'm a lover,not a fighter.' thing with him. On the other hand we're very much alike in the way we think,our views on many subjects,morals etc.

              We have met in person once, last Thanksgiving he came to visit for a couple days. It was wonderful. But I do ask him quite frequently (Once a month or two) when he plans on coming to visit again. He will make plans and say oh MAYBE I can come visit next week, or in a couple weeks, but they always fall through, which leaves me feeling very disappointed. I don't feel as though I'm a needy person. I'm a very independent person. I like having ME time, doing things alone and by myself. But with him, I do feel a bit angered when he goes an entire day without even so much as sending 1 (ONE) text to say "Hey, was thinking of you. I'm having a super busy day, I love you, I'll text/call when/if I can." I'd be totally okay with that. But I feel a bit disrespected when he doesn't even have the common decency to do that. Am I just being whiny?
              This might also be part of the problem. Lack of visits. Maybe you both can find a way to visit more often when you're both less busy and you guys can also maybe think of putting your money together to make visits more possible or take turns. Why don't you try saving money and getting a flight and hotel and having a visit with him? It doesn't always need to be him coming to you unless it's just absolutely impossible for you to do it yourself.

              The texting thing I understand. See second response under second quote.

              This is both of our longest relationship thus far. I personally feel like I have more experience under my belt because I am older, and I have had longer relationships. So I'm trying to be understanding that this may just come down to simply, he is inexperienced. So when one person is vastly more inexperienced than the other, what do you do? Is it just you suck it up and deal with it, or do you move on and find someone else?
              If this is both of your longest relationship thus far then in the relationship department neither of you have any more experience then the other. Age has nothing to do with it.

              Also, communication is definitely lacking. Since I am very passive and hate confrontation, when I do start to feel angered, or irritated by him not calling/texting or something he says or does, I usually keep it to myself. I know this is wrong. I'm trying to fix that. I think it's more of a fear. I do worry that if I say to him "I don't like ___" He will just be like well, bye! And yes, I know, if someone is going to give up on a relationship because of something you don't like or agree with, then maybe it wasn't the right relationship in the first place. But it's just hard and confusing sometimes.
              This is another problem. I understand being passive because of fear of confrontation but when in a relationships,especially long distance it's not good to do. Leaving things to bottle up and stew will only exacerbate the issues between you. That's something you need to work on within yourself. You can't be passive aggressive about everything with him and then expect him to understand or come around to your way of things he doesn't even know because you're so afraid of confrontation that you're not telling him. My SO hates confrontation to but he also is coming to understand that nothing gets solved that way. When there's an issue it needs to be dealt with and it needs to be dealt with,with up most honesty and without holding back from one another.

              There has also been times he's done things that are wrong and I let them slide, because for one, they're not a huge deal to me and two, I don't like the idea of bringing up anything confrontational. For instance, in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned he lived on his own. I didn't find out until about 6 months into the relationship that he lived with his family, even though I already knew. I could hear people walk in and talk to him while we were in a Skype call. He'd try to mute his mic, but I'm not stupid. So when he said to me one day, "I'm not sure if you know but I do live at home with my family" I was just like, "Yes, I knew that all along. It's not a big deal." There's been other things like that, him keeping things from me, I'm assuming because he's embarrassed. So I try not to make a big deal about them for his sake and mine. As stated before, me and confrontation -- we don't get along very well. I do try to remind myself that communication is key, we need communication if we want this to work. This relationship has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, other times I feel more sad and lonely than I ever have in my life. Are these things normal in long distance relationships? Please let me know and don't hold anything back.
              Ok,this is where I have to say HE is wrong. This is such a small thing to lie about. I understand it being embarrassing to tell your SO you live at home but he really should've told you and that's something else you need to speak with him about. His lying to you to about anything is not the right way to deal with things. So,you see the pattern here in my responses? communication on BOTH ends. Being straight forward and not holding back when necessary and not using his age against him. Good luck.
              Last edited by LadyDaemon; November 4, 2013, 02:49 AM.

              ♥ In 666 Ways I Love You & My Heaven Is Wherever You Are. I'm For You. ♥

              We Met: June 9,2010
              Back Together: August 1,2012
              First Visit: September 21,2012 - September 29,2012
              Second Visit: January 13,2013 - February 24,2013
              Engaged: January 17,2013
              Closed The Distance-MS - AZ: June 15th,2013
              Moved To FL Together: November 14,2013
              We Got Married! - July 3,2014
              SO Graduated College - August 7,2015
              Moved to Ky - August 10, 2015

              Comment


                #8
                (Only because if he didn't [love me] he wouldn't be with me, right?)
                No, no, no!

                That one sentence hit me like a ton of bricks.

                You deserve to be treated like you are the most important part of someone's live. There are MANY reasons why a couple can be together. Love is when you try to show the other how much they mean for you.

                If you feel unhappy then something is deffinitely wrong LDR or not. It's up to you if you agree to live with that or not.
                “We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”
                ― Robert Fulghum, True Love

                Met UK 3.08.2012-5.08.12 ->UK 1.12.12-3.12.12->PL 8.02.13-16.02.13->PL 1.06.13-9.06.13->UK 3.08.13-17.08.13->UK 26.10.2013-02.11.2013->PL 30.11.2013-08.12.2013->PL 22.03.2014-29.03.2014->UK 31.05.2014-07.06.2014->PL 06.09.2014-13.09.13->UK 20.12.2014-03.01.2015
                Closed the distance >21.03.2015
                sigpic

                Comment


                  #9
                  I think you need to speak to him. I agree with the other posters that one text a day isn't too much and you're not expecting a lot at one text a day IMO. If you struggle to talk about issues I second the letter/email writing idea.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    I agree with LadyDaemon.

                    OP, I think this has more to do with the lack of communication(and I mean QUALITY communication) than anything else. LadyDaemon is right about the age thing. If I was your boyfriend and you'd told me that I wouldn't know certain things because I was so young at only such-and-such years old, then I would TOTALLY resent that. Because that sounds condescending, and I wouldn't appreciate it at all. And the lying thing, allow me for a moment to relate THAT to your stance on his being younger here, too. You're his older girlfriend, and it's possible that he wants to seem mature for you. I agree that he shouldn't have lied about his living arrangement(he lives with his parents, no big deal), but take a moment also to consider the possibility that you just might have somehow had a part in his developing the urge to lie about it as well. Without being aware of it, you just might have promoted the whole thing, and THIS is where we come back to the age thing. When you say he's too young to understand something, it may be putting him under a LOT of pressure. And pressure can sometimes make some people resort to lying. It's not an ideal thing, but it's a defense mechanism of sorts.

                    To be honest, 6-year age difference is NOTHING at least to me because my girlfriend and I have the age difference of close to 20 years. Only we've both had about the same level of experience where relationships are concerned, so neither one of us has to feel like the other is less or more experienced. I've obviously lived much longer, but that means just that. Avoid assuming that, just because you're older, you automatically have more experience, or that you're more - and quote unquote just because people use this word way too often - "mature" than he is. Experience, maturity...those thing don't necessarily make one a better partner as far as I'm concerned.

                    As for your communication problem... I agree with all others who have suggested you talk to him. You've mentioned having social anxiety issues. I'll be the first to say I don't necessarily like today's psychiatry practice where patients are excessively medicated. HOWEVER, I also believe you should somehow deal with your anxiety issues as I for one think those things may be contributing negatively to the way you're dealing with your relationship situation. In any case, if you feel like there is something that needs to be addressed, then they should be addressed in a clear and non-abrasive fashion. And this, you encourage your partner to do the same. Being non-abrasive in terms of word choices but clear at the same time is an ideal approach to communicating. In a relationship, both parties must be on the same page, and this cannot be achieved without quality communication.

                    Lastly, I would advise against rushing the use of the "L" word. My own relationship as an example: after 6 months of dating, my girl and I still haven't told each other "I love you". We just feel like, after discussing the subject, we should take our time with it. In the meantime, I often use the term "dig", and she's also recently suggested use of the word "adore" as well, to express our appreciation and how we feel toward each other. But once again, these things must be established through thorough communication. You say you're working on it, so please keep it up. Encourage him to do the same too, and try to make him feel comfortable about opening up to you.

                    All the best.

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