Are these normal issues in LDR? Argh! :\
My boyfriend and I have been together for 16 months, friends for about 19 months. We are not without flaws and without our problems, and there have definitely been times I feel like, can this really work? There's quite a big age gap between us as well. So we're on different paths currently, but trying so hard to keep things going smoothly. He's 20 years old and in college, (And will be in college for the next 9-10 years) works full time but lives at home with his family. I'm 26 and am ready to settle down and have a family. I work, have my own place, bills to pay, all that stuff. So for me, even though I'm a bit more flexible with my schedule than he is, I have less money to be able to visit him. So that's definitely the hardest part about our relationship. Being on two totally different paths and trying to merge them together. The age gap is huge, and to be honest, sometimes it's embarrassing having to admit that. Whereas with him, he sees no problem with our age difference and doesn't like it when I bring up age. He doesn't want to hear "Well you don't understand because you're so young, or because you're only 20."
It's been rough at times, wondering if I should just give up and find someone locally, even though I know how difficult that would be given the fact it's hard for me to really put myself out there. But I also realize that there's no one else I want to be with. I don't want to throw away 16 months just because I don't think he calls or texts enough, or we don't talk enough, or we don't Skype enough. I'm also trying to take into consideration he's a man, a young man at that and I'm probably not going to be his number 1 priority, considering he works, goes to school and has a life of his own. How do you handle not feeling valued enough? We've talked about it, and he seems to be oblivious to it. We've even talked about how sometimes he'll go 2, 3 weeks without saying he loves me. Now I'm not one for needing reassurance, but I do need to hear it more than once every 3 weeks.
He's a good looking man and some would probably ponder how we're even a couple. He's very assertive, very outgoing and I'm the polar opposite. I have social anxiety issues, I'm very shy and keep to myself. He's a Pescetarian, I love chicken. lol There's numerous ways in which we differ. But we're trying to not let these things affect our relationship. I know he loves me, (Only because if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, right?) but sometimes I definitely don't feel it. Sometimes I think, how can two people with such differing mentalities become a cohesive unit? There are also a lot of things we do have in common. Our core values such as family, religious views, political views and world views are spot on. Same with our sense of humor. We feel completely comfortable with one another, whereas, with other people we've met, we didn't have that comfortable feeling.
We have met in person once, last Thanksgiving he came to visit for a couple days. It was wonderful. But I do ask him quite frequently (Once a month or two) when he plans on coming to visit again. He will make plans and say oh MAYBE I can come visit next week, or in a couple weeks, but they always fall through, which leaves me feeling very disappointed. I don't feel as though I'm a needy person. I'm a very independent person. I like having ME time, doing things alone and by myself. But with him, I do feel a bit angered when he goes an entire day without even so much as sending 1 (ONE) text to say "Hey, was thinking of you. I'm having a super busy day, I love you, I'll text/call when/if I can." I'd be totally okay with that. But I feel a bit disrespected when he doesn't even have the common decency to do that. Am I just being whiny? This is both of our longest relationship thus far. I personally feel like I have more experience under my belt because I am older, and I have had longer relationships. So I'm trying to be understanding that this may just come down to simply, he is inexperienced. So when one person is vastly more inexperienced than the other, what do you do? Is it just you suck it up and deal with it, or do you move on and find someone else?
Also, communication is definitely lacking. Since I am very passive and hate confrontation, when I do start to feel angered, or irritated by him not calling/texting or something he says or does, I usually keep it to myself. I know this is wrong. I'm trying to fix that. I think it's more of a fear. I do worry that if I say to him "I don't like ___" He will just be like well, bye! And yes, I know, if someone is going to give up on a relationship because of something you don't like or agree with, then maybe it wasn't the right relationship in the first place. But it's just hard and confusing sometimes. There has also been times he's done things that are wrong and I let them slide, because for one, they're not a huge deal to me and two, I don't like the idea of bringing up anything confrontational. For instance, in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned he lived on his own. I didn't find out until about 6 months into the relationship that he lived with his family, even though I already knew. I could hear people walk in and talk to him while we were in a Skype call. He'd try to mute his mic, but I'm not stupid. So when he said to me one day, "I'm not sure if you know but I do live at home with my family" I was just like, "Yes, I knew that all along. It's not a big deal." There's been other things like that, him keeping things from me, I'm assuming because he's embarrassed. So I try not to make a big deal about them for his sake and mine. As stated before, me and confrontation -- we don't get along very well. I do try to remind myself that communication is key, we need communication if we want this to work. This relationship has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, other times I feel more sad and lonely than I ever have in my life. Are these things normal in long distance relationships? Please let me know and don't hold anything back.
It's been rough at times, wondering if I should just give up and find someone locally, even though I know how difficult that would be given the fact it's hard for me to really put myself out there. But I also realize that there's no one else I want to be with. I don't want to throw away 16 months just because I don't think he calls or texts enough, or we don't talk enough, or we don't Skype enough. I'm also trying to take into consideration he's a man, a young man at that and I'm probably not going to be his number 1 priority, considering he works, goes to school and has a life of his own. How do you handle not feeling valued enough? We've talked about it, and he seems to be oblivious to it. We've even talked about how sometimes he'll go 2, 3 weeks without saying he loves me. Now I'm not one for needing reassurance, but I do need to hear it more than once every 3 weeks.
He's a good looking man and some would probably ponder how we're even a couple. He's very assertive, very outgoing and I'm the polar opposite. I have social anxiety issues, I'm very shy and keep to myself. He's a Pescetarian, I love chicken. lol There's numerous ways in which we differ. But we're trying to not let these things affect our relationship. I know he loves me, (Only because if he didn't he wouldn't be with me, right?) but sometimes I definitely don't feel it. Sometimes I think, how can two people with such differing mentalities become a cohesive unit? There are also a lot of things we do have in common. Our core values such as family, religious views, political views and world views are spot on. Same with our sense of humor. We feel completely comfortable with one another, whereas, with other people we've met, we didn't have that comfortable feeling.
We have met in person once, last Thanksgiving he came to visit for a couple days. It was wonderful. But I do ask him quite frequently (Once a month or two) when he plans on coming to visit again. He will make plans and say oh MAYBE I can come visit next week, or in a couple weeks, but they always fall through, which leaves me feeling very disappointed. I don't feel as though I'm a needy person. I'm a very independent person. I like having ME time, doing things alone and by myself. But with him, I do feel a bit angered when he goes an entire day without even so much as sending 1 (ONE) text to say "Hey, was thinking of you. I'm having a super busy day, I love you, I'll text/call when/if I can." I'd be totally okay with that. But I feel a bit disrespected when he doesn't even have the common decency to do that. Am I just being whiny? This is both of our longest relationship thus far. I personally feel like I have more experience under my belt because I am older, and I have had longer relationships. So I'm trying to be understanding that this may just come down to simply, he is inexperienced. So when one person is vastly more inexperienced than the other, what do you do? Is it just you suck it up and deal with it, or do you move on and find someone else?
Also, communication is definitely lacking. Since I am very passive and hate confrontation, when I do start to feel angered, or irritated by him not calling/texting or something he says or does, I usually keep it to myself. I know this is wrong. I'm trying to fix that. I think it's more of a fear. I do worry that if I say to him "I don't like ___" He will just be like well, bye! And yes, I know, if someone is going to give up on a relationship because of something you don't like or agree with, then maybe it wasn't the right relationship in the first place. But it's just hard and confusing sometimes. There has also been times he's done things that are wrong and I let them slide, because for one, they're not a huge deal to me and two, I don't like the idea of bringing up anything confrontational. For instance, in the beginning of our relationship he mentioned he lived on his own. I didn't find out until about 6 months into the relationship that he lived with his family, even though I already knew. I could hear people walk in and talk to him while we were in a Skype call. He'd try to mute his mic, but I'm not stupid. So when he said to me one day, "I'm not sure if you know but I do live at home with my family" I was just like, "Yes, I knew that all along. It's not a big deal." There's been other things like that, him keeping things from me, I'm assuming because he's embarrassed. So I try not to make a big deal about them for his sake and mine. As stated before, me and confrontation -- we don't get along very well. I do try to remind myself that communication is key, we need communication if we want this to work. This relationship has definitely been a bit of a roller coaster. Sometimes it's smooth sailing, other times I feel more sad and lonely than I ever have in my life. Are these things normal in long distance relationships? Please let me know and don't hold anything back.
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