Bf suddenly thinks I love someone else

[nyoom]

My boyfriend is the sweetest nicest guy I know but he's suddenly convinced that I (maybe romantically) love an old friend like I love him.

I've known this friend for 5 years, he's from the same country as me but we've never met. We used to talk a lot, he's a fun guy and we've had nice casual conversations over the internet. He has never flirted with me, at least I havent noticed it. In the past few years we have grown apart and now we rarely talk, some twitter replies and a few facebook messages here and there. I still consider him a friend of mine.

When I first met my bf a bit over a year ago (we've been dating for 8 months) and we were getting to know each other I told him about this friend and I also said that I love the guy (strictly as a friend, he's like an older brother to me). Thought it was no biggie, I can love my parents, friends, pets, whoever; bf seems to view it differently, something like you can only truly love one person at a time. I see it more as big loves and small loves but hey maybe I'm just abusing the word.

We also talked about it 1-2 months ago when I probably too hastily said I love my friend platonically. English is not my first language and I assumed it was kind of like brotherly love as it's what the word means in my native tongue. Turns out it's something bigger and deeper and like a relationship. I admit it, I fucked up, and he won't let it go. When I talk to this friend my bf calls him my future bf or my lover and it makes me feel terrible. When I tell bf I love him I mean it in a complete way: I trust him, I want him, he's my best friend and the most important person to me. The word to describe how I feel towards any of my friends, male or female, is also love but it's not the same type of love that I feel for him. He seems to be bothered by the fact that I once said that I love another guy and I want him to stop worrying and seeing him as a threat.

How can I convince him that HE is (still) the man I want? Should I sacrifice my friendship for the sake of my relationship? Any advice for dealing with this situation?

[Rugger]

I honestly think you explained it fine. I have a lot of male friends I love platonically. They are like my brothers, I've known them forever.

You need to have a final talk with him about it. State what you've already said and how you feel when he calls your friend your future boyfriend or lover. After that, it's a dead issue. If he keeps up with it, you need to let him go. If he can't get over it, he's not mature enough for a relationship. You've done nothing wrong. You can and should have friends of the opposite gender. Don't give up your friendship

[alittlemind]

First off, I don't believe you should sacrifice your friendship, unless it was actually crossing a line. You have no feelings for your friend, your friend has no feelings for you. No lines are being crossed. That's my opinion. That's what your boyfriend needs to realize. Unfortunately, if he doesn't trust you, that's something he has to work on himself. You can't force him to trust you. You can reassure him that you love him and only him, but as far as convincing him of anything, that's something he'll have to figure out on his own. Sorry I don't have much more advice for you, but I wish you the best of luck and hopefully another lovely lady or kind gentlemen on this forum can help you out more.

[Black_Halloween]

I think you described it perfectly and he has some deep insecurity that he needs to work through. I have friends (male and female), pets, family, that I love as well as Daniel but they're all different types of love. You need to have one final talk with him to end the issue. He has no authority on who you should be friends with, or telling you how you feel.

[differentcountries]

My ex used to be strangely jealous like that. Of course one must be able to have friends of any sex. And you explained it just fine; yours IS obviously a platonic friendship, aka a strong relationship based on mutual feelings that are not sexual or romantic. I belive it is your SO who does not understand English... Anyway I don't thing the words matter so much as the realization that your life is filled with so much more than just him. Why does he has to be everything in your world? The fact that he gets jealous over someone you are not even sexually interested in tells med he has got a little bit of a self asteem/security issue. Try to know some more about him; how was his childhood? Did he ever feel insecure, or even abandoned? Has someone hurt him in the past? Does he have a history of being jealous in relationships? You on the other hand have to realize that this is a real issue for him. Even if it is comepletey fanasy, it is still very real to him. Be sensitive even if you think it is silly. I am not saying you should turn your life around, but don't do anything to provoke his feelings - it will not make him "used to" feeling them. This is a real dilemma (his jealousy, not you having ordinary friendships) that the two of you should try to untangle together.

[squeeker]

Good luck. As the others said, it should be okay to have a friend of the opposite sex as long as no lines are being crossed and you view them strictly as a friend and the same goes for the friend's feelings to you. Hopefully your boyfriend can come to realize that and trust you. I personally haven't had this issue come up much because I don't have any close friends who are male, though it has come up in some senses because at times I have to talk to guys and when my boyfriend and I first started talking, not officially together yet, there were a couple guys I talked to online who he got jealous of.. just like there were girls he talked to who I got jealous of. :P But then that's one of the things that made us realize we wanted to be together, though it still took us awhile to know. The other way that I can't really be of help is because I don't use the word love except to talking to my boyfriend, or sometimes to my family or my female friends (but only sometimes like if they used it in a message then I might repeat it), or I use it for silly things like I love chocolate! lol but I think you need to explain to your boyfriend that what you meant by "platonic love" was a friendship-only love, you love him like a brother and that is all. I hope he can understand.

I think you just have to keep reassuring your boyfriend that you love him, and you use that word when describing anyone you love, even male friends even though you do not love them in any romantic way whatsoever. It might also help if there was a way to physically show your boyfriend that there are no romantic feelings, like maybe messages that you might have sent or something.. as long as there is no way he could deduce something romantic out of it!! But that's more of a move if your boyfriend still gets insecure. I wish you the best of luck.

[nyoom]

Thank you everyone, I'll talk to him about it as soon as I have a chance.

I have to say that this doesn't happen very often and he's mostly joking when he calls my friend my lover/future bf but to me it looks like he is still worried about losing me to the friend or any guy I'm friends with (some of them have expressed interest in me in the past but they vanished as soon as they realised I'm not going to leave my bf for them). We are both a bit insecure but we're both trying to get better, we're also young and fairly inexperienced so neither of us may not know how to handle this kind of stuff properly in a way that the other one doesn't get hurt.

Again, thank you for being supportive.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I hope all works out well for you. As a guy who has many female friends, I know exactly what it's like to love a friend of the opposite sex. It's not an abuse of the word, or anything of the sort. You love those around you who are very special. Your family, friends, your romantic partner, your non-human companions(both my girl and I are dog people, though I think we generally love animals...but I digress, lol) like Back Halloween has mentioned...it doesn't matter who you love in my opinion. You love them, you know you do, and you can't do anything about it...and frankly, you shouldn't have to because loving is a good thing.

Like others have suggested, do communicate with him and make sure he understands where you're coming from. My girlfriend and I talk about this, and I make sure I explain myself thoroughly so that she understands my female friends are NOT a threat to our relationship. In fact, I tell her they are cool people and that she should meet them. I want her to be part of my life, and part of my life means I have both male and female friends who she may meet and hopefully becomes friends with someday. The important thing is to establish that there is no threat. This can be a little difficult to achieve if there isn't a lot of trust between the two parties, but that's why it has been said numerous times over the years that communication is important.

I believe it's really about understanding each other. As recently as just over this past weekend, I actually got to revisit a lesson in trust. The situation between my girl and I was really about something totally different compared to your situation though, with no third party involved or anything of the sort. To vaguely explain what happened, it was basically me being concerned about her well-being, and that sort of backfired and seemed as though I wasn't taking her word seriously enough. Only, SHE thought it was her fault, and we ended up blaming ourselves for a little while. But we talked about it and it feels like we've become even closer as a couple now. I was once again reminded that, at this point in our relationship, it's alright for me to trust her and proceed in certain instances. It may sound like I've gone off on a mega-tangent there, but my point is that, without thorough communication, my girlfriend and I aren't the kind of couple we are today: the kind who can be totally ourselves in front of each other. And I believe that this sort of thing can be applied to a lot of different situations, including the jealousy/trust issues concerning friends of the opposite sex...hence, I thought I'd share. xD

All the best.