I need reinforcements

[BlackRoseOpal]

So, this is more about my ex. We were dating for 5 years before we had probably the shittiest break up ever. And staying friends didn't work so I made a decision to just stay out of his life cause I could tell it was making him miserable.
Now I'm with my current SO. And yea, we're having some issues right now, but that's beside the point.

I saw a little while ago (on facebook) that my ex just got into a relationship with another girl. And don't get me wrong, I am so happy for him because before he was just utterly obsessed with having no one but me.

My problem is that I really am happy and I want to contact him and congratulate him but I'm so afraid it will reopen a wound and ruin this chance for a new love and it's sort of killing me right now. I miss him as a person and a friend so much and it's just hard to keep myself from hitting the chat button.
I just need some verbal support...

[dglynn77]

I first read the title as "I need refreshments," so I brought cookies and punch…
They are better than my advice
I have no great words of advice, but just wanted to say I understand your situation and how difficult that can be for you. *hugs*

[Ejoriah]

What's in the past is in the past. If you really want him to be happy without the risk of re-opening old wounds, then you'll let it be regardless of your own feelings about it.

[Dezface]

Don't talk to him. I understand it's hard. I've struggled with leaving things unsaid with my ex. But you have to think about what good or bad can come from it. You already know it might just hurt him and open up old wounds. So stay strong and just be happy for him silently.

[melarie]

How long has it been since the breakup? If it's relatively fresh (Past year) I'd say not to do it. But if you really do want to say something, wait a few weeks. Let him get settled in this relationship before you risk bringing anything from the past up.

If you put the idea aside for a while rather than totally rejecting it, I've found it's easier to resist. Whenever I tell myself I will not under any circumstances do something, I typically do it. But if I say to myself "Now's not a good time, I'll do it tomorrow" or in a few weeks or whatever, I can relax about it and eventually let it go.

[kria]

I agree with Melarie on this; although, I do see the others points as well. I think you should wait a few weeks until he is settled into his new relationship. If you are still afraid it will reopen old wounds then maybe you can just click 'Like' on his status change instead of actually writing something out to him. This way you are, in a way, showing him you are happy for him without having to type it out into something that could open old wounds. I hope that made sense. Best of luck to you!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

From the way you've written things at the end "I miss him so much as a friend and a person", it makes me concerned that part of your urge to contact him is because YOU want contact, and the congratulating him part is a good excuse. If it was a hard break up, I'd leave it alone. I think you're risking exactly what you think you are: opening old wounds. But I think there might be some of that on both sides.

Honestly, when it comes to exes and new relationships etc etc, I wouldn't say anything unless I bump into them and it comes up naturally in conversation, at which point it's totally acceptable to be congratulatory and happy for them.

But reaching out after specifically not talking to him to make it easier on him, only to talk about his romantic state... I think that sounds like a situation that's more likely to bring bad repercussions than good ones.

[differentcountries]

Generally, I try to make at least ok aquantances with my exes. But I find that I can do so only after some time. Do not use his new relationaship as an exuse to contact him. Even if you were a friend he has lost contact with, it would be inappropriate. In a new relationship, one feels extatic but also vulnerable. The last thing one would want an need is contact with people from the past. You may contact him later on, but now is not a good time. Let him have his life and his new love. Sort things out with your SO. Create a stability in your life (and check that his life is stable also) before even considering to contact him. Be aware that learning more about him can feel strange, even if you don't want him back, because it will remind you that you no longer know this man. If you were ever to become friends or have contact, the both of you must learn to let go of whatever happened in the break-up and also you must forget that you once were emotionally intimate. You are NOT going to automatically transfer an ex into a good friend, and it needs a lot of water under the bridge. I would say let it sit for at least a full year before you consider it again, and then if you do approach him only casually. Slow is the best way to go. Wish you the best of luck .

[Malaga]

I agree with Biddly. I think this is more about you than about him. Especially if you're having issues with your current SO, it's not unusual to feel some type of nostalgia. But I strongly suggest you resist it, for the sake of both of you. Don't mind me saying, but congratulating your ex on going out with someone is weird and a bit patronising. If your SO's ex suddenly contacted him to chat about his love life, I suppose you wouldn't be too comfortable with that, and for a good reason. Leave them be. It sounds like you broke up with him instead of the other way round. If so, it's up to him to decide when, if ever, is the right moment for him to talk to you.

[Black_Halloween]

There is a reason we call them EXs. Leave it alone.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Let it go.
If you're actually happy for him, just let him be happy without the risk of reopening the wounds.

[Anonymous2]

Another way to think about this is from his new gf's perspective. Do you think you'd feel okay with your bf's ex contacting him, even if it was to congratulate him and tell him how happy she is for him? You don't know this girl or the status/boundaries of his new relationship. You could potentially make it really difficult for him if you contact him. I wouldn't recommend contacting him, but you're going to end up doing what you want to do. Just be prepared to handle the fallout that could result from reestablishing contact.

[Fretboard_Magic]

Here's a guy's opinion.

I would contact him if I were you, mainly because I would actually appreciate my ex's contacting me. And ESPECIALLY if things were ended on a bad note. I say this from my own experience, OP. The only ex-girlfriend I'm still friends with is my last online-ex and, as much as she has since changed and is now capable of driving me up the wall with her newly acquired conservative views(she is a parent now, so apparently that's understandable according my my Scorpio net-besty), I still regard her as someone special mainly because she and I once shared something cool. I wish I could talk to all of my other exes the way I can to my last ex, but the first one and the second one hate me, and the third one basically decided she'd be better off without my presence in her life. What can one do but move on under those circumstances? But if it was possible, I'd love to resume being friends with those girls as well. Especially my second girlfriend because I have no idea why she doesn't want to talk to me any more. It's the not-knowing aspect that still bugs me a little bit, and it's been 11 years since we've last spoken.

This has NOTHING to do with whether or not I still wish to get back together with those exes. Because I do NOT. I mean, my current girlfriend just ROCKS like you wouldn't believe. It's more to do with seeking a closure of some sort. And, another thing is that I've always been big on friendships, partly due to the fact that I was always bullied when I was in school. It takes A LOT for me to cut ties with someone, and from my own observation, I have never done that unless the person subjected to cutting ties has actually done something to someone else: my friends or family.

Anyway, enough about me. I think that you should talk to him, and make sure you're clear in terms of what's going on in your life but be respectful, and above all, fulfill your wish which is to congratulate him on his new relationship. If I were him, I'd totally appreciate that sort of message from an ex I hadn't spoken in a long time. And think about this; why hasn't he deleted you from his facebook? Maybe that's because he wishes to resume the friendship with you when the time is right. I have a couple friends like that on facebook myself, even though we had a major fallout like 5 years ago. I think that, one day, I'll need to talk to them again and let them know that I don't wish to end things on a bad note. Some people might say such is life and one should move on without turning back, but you know, some things in life can be fixed over time, and sometimes it is OKAY to turn around, if only to acknowledge that you've walk the path that you've been on.

And if things turn out badly? Then that's what happens. THAT, in my opinion, is life. But at least you've tried to take something within your own hands in the hope to make it better. That's better than not doing anything in my opinion. :-)

[Rachelm920]

I just dealt with this on both ends of the spectrum. Almost the same story you had with my SO and his ex. Didn't end well. She kept contacting and contacting and contacting... and he kept responding. Caused a lot of tension in our relationship early on I was literally afraid he'd go back to her. Finally we put a block on his phone. She is further from him than I am so thankfully there's no face-to-face contact.

Then on my end. A guy I dated previously contacted me apologizing for everything and asked to be friends again. I accepted, then knowing I am in a relationship with my SO and he supposedly is in a relationship he:
1 - called me at 11PM (not cool)
2 - started liking and commenting on everything I posted on Facebook

Not cool. Since my SO and I have no secrets, I told him about it he kinda said "well what did you expect". I didn't expect this guy to act like this because he supposedly has a GF but apparently he still doesn't get the hint. So he is now removed from Facebook again and I told him to stop calling.

So anyhow my advice is LEAVE IT ALONE. I shouldn't have answered the phone when that guy called, but I thought it had been a while and I had heard he moved on... but I guess not.

[sarahjane1992]

Another way to think about this is from his new gf's perspective. Do you think you'd feel okay with your bf's ex contacting him, even if it was to congratulate him and tell him how happy she is for him? You don't know this girl or the status/boundaries of his new relationship. You could potentially make it really difficult for him if you contact him. I wouldn't recommend contacting him, but you're going to end up doing what you want to do. Just be prepared to handle the fallout that could result from reestablishing contact.

I totally agree with this. If a girl my SO dated before me called and congratulated him, I would feel really uneasy.
We didn't have any serious relationships before this one, but it would still bother me.
The past is in the past. That's my opinion.