How do I stop being clingy?

[PalmTrees]

My SO and I have dated for 3 months, we live 3 hours away from eachother, but we're young (both 21).

When we first started talking she would always initiate the conversations, but over time it's been more about me initiating and actually carrying the conversations. We met each other last-last weekend (Nov 1-3) and I told her multiple times that it's the happiest I've ever been. After seeing her my focus on wanting to be with her increased dramatically.

Since then though she's been piling on work and she gets home late & tired. When we talk all I can think about is wanting to physically be there with her, so I bring up the subject of moving to be there and she says it's overwhelming and that I'm moving too quick -- that I need to give her space to think, to be by herself.

I start a job on Monday that hopefully keeps me busy, but our plan was to move in with each other early next year (February-to-Marchish). Am I underestimating the amount of time her and I will have to talk about plans on moving in with each other? Am I silly to think that if we don't talk that she'll lose interest in me? I think these are the things that cause my clinginess.

Any pointers on how I should approach the topic in the future without being overwhelming? Clinginess?

[lyonsgirl]

Woah. Moving in with each other is a HUGE step in any relationship. Talking about you moving to her city so you can be "close distance" is probably way less pressure on her (and you). Maybe suggest that, if you can afford that option. But, not right now. You've been dating for 3 months. I understand you want to live near each other - but, it may be in your best interest to lay low on the topic for a while. I'm not kidding when I say 3-4 months is "a while". You've met once. You're both busy, but I think it could be good to plan on a few more weekend visits (maybe even a long weekend trip?) before even thinking about bringing up the topic of living in the same town again.

[PalmTrees]

It didn't seem like a crazy topic since we had talked about it before.

Before we weren't sure if I'd move to Virginia to be closer to her being in DC or if she would move to California. I moved back to Virginia because I have family here.

Maybe by this you see that we had a good conversation about this topic.

[differentcountries]

She said it is too much to soon. You may love each other but you don't know each other that well yet. Talking about moving together in a year is all right, if by then you will have visited several times and had some good talkes about the future. Anything more then that is just pushing the issue.

She has a lot to do. Try to be understanding of her being tired. Do something yourself to get tired; work out, get a hobby, engage in your work when you start there. If you feel a lot of energy, you might devote your time to getting her cute gifts or write her sweet letters. Then she can have a look at them at less busy times or when she misses you.

Be there for her when she needs it. Get genuinely busy. Everything will come in time.

[Black_Halloween]

Woah woah and a whole bunch more of woahs. You my friend need to slow down or else youre going to move way too fast and kill the relationship.

You are still in the puppy love stadge. Its understandable that youd wanna close the distance asap but you need to give it more time.

Also, If you dont like the advice dont respond to it. You look like a child when you do.

[Rugger]

You have only been dating 3 months and you are talking about moving in with her? I can see why she's backed off. You are moving WAAAAY too fast. I understand you want to be near her, but you two are still getting to know each other. You need to slow down or you will kill your relationship. She asked you to give her space- so give it. The girl needs space to breathe. If a guy did you me what you are doing, I'd be gone quick, because to me that throws up huge blinking CRAZY flags.

You need to keep busy to prevent yourself from focusing on her too much. You said you were starting a job Monday, which is really good. You could meet new friends at work. Spending time getting to know them and your job will def. take time off your hands. You could also try picking up a hobby, like going to the gym or learning a new skill. That way you can work on improving yourself ( Everyone could use improvement) and it gives her the space she needs.

[PalmTrees]

I don't understand. Her and I talked about moving in together, together. How is it moving too fast if we both talked about it?

Also I moved to Virginia last Sunday and found a job by Friday. We're both excited about the idea of us moving in together. That's why I was taken aback when she said I wasn't giving her space.

[differentcountries]

I don't understand. Her and I talked about moving in together, together. How is it moving too fast if we both talked about it?

Also I moved to Virginia last Sunday and found a job by Friday. We're both excited about the idea of us moving in together. That's why I was taken aback when she said I wasn't giving her space.

1. You have been together only a short while. Ease up
2. You are insisting on moving together much sooner than you previously agreed upon. Why?
3. She actually says you are not giving her space. That is not a hint, that is a big fat shouting relationship road sign that says you should do something differently unless you want her to drop you, or at least forget about any moving being done.

[mellif]

If she's comfortable with you moving in, and you're comfortable, and you've talked about it, then that's great! Sounds exciting. Given, 3 months of dating then moving together will almost guarantee judgement since it's not recommended for couples to move so fast, but only you and her can make the final judgement.

What I think is she must be feeling claustrophobic. She works all day, and then comes home and talks with you about moving. Moving is kinda a loaded topic with lots of to be discussed and thought out, no matter how excited you are about it. She probably just wants to have a casual, relaxed conversation with you without mentioning moving, so she can relax her mind. Don't worry about it, you didn't do anything wrong necessarily. Talk to her about moving when she's energetic and/or doesn't have as much stress to deal with.

[OperaDiva]

I don't understand. Her and I talked about moving in together, together. How is it moving too fast if we both talked about it?

I understand how you must be feeling frustrated. I am with the others though - you have been dating only a very very very short time. To you it might seem that you discussed it and it is a done deal. To her it might be that it was only fantasizing about something in the more distant future, and then you brought it to her reality doorstep really really fast. Think Thor's hammer fast and hard. Of course she will be shocked!

I think you should back off and give her the space she needs. Give it a few months and then bring it up again, but just as a general topic of discussion, in a few months. I also agree with the others when they say the 1 year mark is much more realistic and natural to move in in with someone. Good luck!

[Fretboard_Magic]

Yeah, I agree with the others on this one, dude. You gotta chill a bit. She's already expressed that she needs more space, so I think you should honour her request. And especially so considering you two haven't been in this relationship for that long. It doesn't really matter if she has in the past been up for the idea of moving in together. Now she has doubts about that, and if there's a doubt, it's generally a good idea to put it off until all doubts are eliminated.

Another thing, it's not really so much about home much you talk to each other, as how WELL you can actually COMMUNICATE. It is through communication that two people develop and nurture trust. I get this feeling that you two may need to work on that first. Once you two develop a solid bond and trust between you, the feeling that one, or both, of you might lose interest may diminish. I mean, there's trust in each other, so why worry, you know? The foundation needs to be built, and nurtured. The whole moving in together thing is WAY after that step.

Now, simply talking about it WITHOUT getting into too many specifics, like being too eager about the when, where, that sort of thing, is natural in my opinion. My girl and I do that. Hell, we talk about kids even, lol. But to be able to do that, you need to know how to keep things LIGHT, especially toward the beginning of your relationship. Both of you need to be aware that there are certain things in a relationship that require you to proceed slowly, and usually, living together is one of them. Talk about your future all you want, because it's natural and is essentially a fun thing to do. BUT, don't make it a serious topic so soon into your relationship, or one of you may sooner or later find it overwhelming and, in a worst case scenario, may want out. In your girlfriend's case, she's already told you she finds it overwhelming. This means it's NOT good to press on this subject at this stage in your relationship like all others have said pretty much. At least not in the manner you're doing, or you want to do, or whatever.

Peace.

[PalmTrees]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Mellif, I think you're right. I'm going to back off the topic for a couple months and see what happens. When she told me this two nights ago, she also said to me what you had said about just wanting to talk about basically anything else. It's not like I didn't understand that it was an overwhelming topic either, but it's confusing when your SO says, "I wish you were here right now.." and we have a conversation that's being put on hold about solving that. All in all, you understand the situation. Thanks for not shouting at me.

I thought about backing off kind of to 50% where as I've been at 100%+. I don't think that's really a healthy solution, but I'm inclined to let her be the initiator. This way I'm not being the over-the-top boyfriend and she can relax and call when she's available.

I'm hoping things will be easier when I start my job on Monday.

[Black_Halloween]

There's a huge difference from "I wish you were here" and "Lets move in together".

[JET]

As black Halloween said, they are two different things. You can miss someone and want them with you at that moment without the hassle that living together brings, shared finances etc.

[differentcountries]

"I wish you were here" is just saying "I think of you" - at best it is saying "I wish you could come for a visit".