Should I have hope?

[CourtJustus]

Hi All,
I am fairly new to the long-distance relationship thing. My boyfriend and I met on a group tour through Europe. I live in the United States and he lives in England and will be moving to Indonesia next year. We last saw each other in October, when the tour ended. I told him that I could go visit him in December/January before starting college, expecting him to come back and visit me in the States sometime between then and July/August, more or less. But now he's told me that he's having some financial issues and will probably not be able to visit me in the States until 2015...as in, a whole YEAR after my visit to him
He had told me that supposedly he'd be able to move to the States by 2017 (hopefully closing the gap by then, if we both end up in the same State) and in a previous conversation he told me not to doubt him and the plans he had for us (something like that) but I'm really frustrated and confused and, unfortunately, am doubting it all. I care A LOT about him and we have a really deep connection. I don't see an easy way out of this, but I don't know what the best way out of this is...What would you do in my situation?

[lyonsgirl]

Hate to say it, but if you're having doubts about the relationship, maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship. Not because it's international or anything, but because you're doubting the relationship.

However, it can work, international relationships, I mean, if you put effort into it. So many people on here can vouch for an international relationship. Stick around if you want, LFAD is a great place. You're more than welcome to stay, whatever you choose to do regarding your relationship.

[jana89]

Yes, international relationship can work, I am in one of those for more than two years and there are several more people who are in it for many more years. It is not easy, it is frustrating very often, but as my bf says, what does waiting for few years mean compare to the rest of life we can spend together. You are allowed to have doubts, I think everyone has it sometimes, but if you find the One, then you will make it work. Just hang in there. And I would not doubt that your SO cares for you; me and my bf had to cancel his trip here just recently, because of my studying and his work schedule. It sucks, but it is part of being in LDR I guess. Good luck

[CanadianGirl]

I think it's normal to get overwhelmed by the distance and the idea of moving to be together, especially when it's very new. There's a lot of couples on here who are apart due to school. Personally, I think having the extra time to focus on my schooling while also knowing I have a great guy waiting for me is not bad at all. It takes real work, and you'd have a time difference to manage as well, but it's not impossible.

I'm assuming you're just getting out of high school and it's understandable if such a huge commitment is too much to handle. If you think your relationship has real promise, it's worth a shot. The fact that he seems determined is already a good enough reason to have hope. If you can't see yourself committing to the wait, then it's probably better to break it off.

[churchgrim]

My SO and I are in an international LDR - New Zealand and the States. We also only see each other once a year, and it will be like this until we move in together, no less than two years away. It can work, but in my opinion it takes a lot of knowledge and belief in your relationship. I don't think I could last a year between visits if I didn't truly, completely know that he is part of my future. I don't personally believe that it's worth it if you are not 100% in this for the long haul.

I think you need to really evaluate how committed you are to your relationship. He says he has plans for your future together - do you share the same plans? Are you just going along with his? Are you ready to fully commit now to being with him for the foreseeable future? You need to talk to him about both of your expectations of your relationship together. Your relationship is very, very young. I'm not saying that your feelings can't be/are not strong enough, but that I think you really need more time together (in your relationship) before you can know if you are right for each other and are willing/ready/suitable to live together and everything that comes with that. Don't rush your plans!

That's not to say that if you're not ready yet you should break up - just that you have to really weigh the pros and cons of staying in your LDR until you know what is right for you. You need to be able to have fun and enjoy your relationship and being with him. If the LDR is stopping you from doing that, then it's time to break it off.

[Periwinkle]

Over thinking and obsessing over the future is the biggest mistake you can make in a long distance relationship, especially one that is still so young. Stop doubting your relationship and believe in yourself and your SO. International LDRs are harder for many reasons. Culturally, you might have different religious and national holidays, which makes it harder to set up visits. Also, flight tickets are ridiculously expensive. My SO can never visit me due to his financial issues, so we compromised, and I offer you do the same.

He can drive down to New York, and flight tickets there are cheaper than where he lives, and also easier for me to get to. I'm financially more available than he is, so I'm going to be flying over the ocean, and he's going to take a 5 hour drive. You could use the same concept to figure it out. Perhaps you can both start saving for his plane tickets to pull the date to 2014 instead of 2015? Ask for a little favor from a friend or relative?

I care A LOT about him and we have a really deep connection. I don't see an easy way out of this.

There is no easy way out of it, sadly. Savor that connection! Turn it into something you can hold on to when the distance feels too much! So many people have done it, and so can you. You just need to be positive, put in a little more effort when communicating to make the distance seem less, and be patient, there's no need to rush anything. Have faith

[folclor]

I agree with the above posts that say it can work out, you just need to decide if you're willing to wait for it.

Doubts happen a lot, even in long established relationships, so there's nothing 'wrong' with you for having doubts, but don't let them overwhelm you like this. If you start thinking about them too much, take a step away from whatever you're doing and find something relaxing to do until you calm down. Figure out if you want to wait that long. It isn't all that big of a time to wait, and if he really gets to move to the US that early, it won't matter too much what state he goes to. Start a savings account now so you have the money then to move, regardless of the state.

Whatever you choose, hopefully you'll be happy with it down the road. But there's definitely hope.

[silvermoonfairy3]

My SO and I are in an international LDR - New Zealand and the States. We also only see each other once a year, and it will be like this until we move in together, no less than two years away. It can work, but in my opinion it takes a lot of knowledge and belief in your relationship. I don't think I could last a year between visits if I didn't truly, completely know that he is part of my future. I don't personally believe that it's worth it if you are not 100% in this for the long haul.

Totally agree with this.
(Also, my SO and I are US/NZ, too! He's in Auckland. :P)

To the OP, sometimes the distance will just seem so far, and it'll just be like.. wth am I doing? (My guy is 9,000 miles away.. super expensive plane tickets, usually at least a full 24 hours to get to him, etc. I've had my "am I insane?" moments.) But then I think about *us* and our connection.. I think about him, and how wonderful he is, and how amazing we are as a team. I think about how well we connect, and the way he makes me feel, and the distance becomes secondary. It's just an obstacle for now.

But, as people have said, it only works if you're both committed to it. Is he what you want? Not just, do you want a relationship with a great guy.. do you want a relationship with THIS great guy, as he is, wherever he is. If so, you can find ways to work with the distance. If you're more just looking for a great guy, but you're going to need other things (like someone close by) then it might not be for you. Just some stuff to think about!

[differentcountries]

If finances are his reason for not visiting sooner, you might be able to support his trip.

[Secrecy]

Always have hope - this thing WILL fail if you let doubts cloud your judgment. Please realize you're new to this relationship, and it didn't take me until around a year (when I met my SO for the very first time) to actually have my fears quelled. My boyfriend and I are in an international relationship, Canada and the States. Yes, these absolutely can work, but they take a huge amount of trust, patience, and determination. A very painful amount of determination - it just depends on if you're willing to work for it, and make the inevitable sacrifices that will come along the way. Before you throw it all away, give it some time and see how you grow together despite the distance. If you're like a lot of people here, the distance will strengthen your relationship - you have to try a lot harder in a relationship across the miles (or in this case, countries) to make it work, which is very hard, but also helps create an extremely strong bond between two people because you have to fight so much together. In my opinion, it's the most rewarding thing, even if it's the hardest thing, I've ever been through. You will inevitably have doubts all throughout your relationship, I think it happens at least occasionally to most people - very natural. Please try not to overthink it.

[BabyGund]

All of us are here because we have hope.

My SO and I had a very challenging day last week....I wrote this on my blog (not the blog here but I should repost it here too):

Hope is the state which promotes the desire of positive outcomes related to events and circumstances in one's life or in the world at large. Hope is the "feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best" or the act of "look[ing] forward to something with desire and reasonable confidence" or "feel[ing] that something desired may happen". Other definitions are "to cherish a desire with anticipation"; "to desire with expectation of obtainment"; or "to expect with confidence".

As long as I feel that this relationship is what we say it is and that it is truly meant to be, then I have hope we will be together someday. And now what we have a bit of a plan and timetable, I think I can "expect with confidence".

[CourtJustus]

Thank you all so much for your words of advice. I got back from visiting him last Monday; we were together a whole two weeks and our relationship is stronger than ever. Plus, he even told me that now there's hope that he can visit as soon as July I know now that we can make things work. I am so happy to have him; I want HIM, not just any guy. Thank you all so much, you have helped a lot.