3 months later, and we're still in the same position..

[BigMatt93]

It's been 3 months since my last thread. In my last thread I discussed a few issues I was going through with my SO. Well here we are a few months later and I'm sad to say we're still having these issues. It's progressively gotten worse. It seems like unless I give her my undivided attention, She's pissed. Everything is MY responsibility and solely MY responsibility. We're still in the same boat we were in in October. I have to be the one to call her and I have to be the one who does ALL the talking. If I don't talk I instantly get a "Why aren't you talking to me?!". We talk EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I have officially run out of new things to talk about. What am I suppose to do to keep her satisfied? She hardly talks to me and when she does, it's the SAME. OLD. THING. The same dry "I miss you baby." and "I want you here with me!!". She knows I miss her too.. But she doesn't seem to understand that the wait has really just begun. I have finished the first semester of my schooling and start the second and final semester eight days from now. This semester will be a lot more "on the go" then the first semester. This semester I will be out in the field a lot more compared to in the classroom and in the lab. I would assume I'll be doing several ride a longs and several different training exercises out in the field. On top of that, I recently got in to the local Volunteer Fire Department as a recruit and I go to my first official meeting for that a week after my second semester starts. Once I go to that first meeting, It'll be a requirement for me to go to the rest of the recruit/probationary meetings if I want to have a chance at getting on the department as a full member to complete probation. Those meetings take place around the time I usually call her at night and they're 3-4 hours long depending on what kind of meeting it is and they happen 4 times a month.

I guess what it really comes down to is pretty much what I said in my very first post and thread here... EVERYTHING is MY responsibility. I DON"T know how to make her happy anymore and as of late, she's become very clingy and needy. I rarely have a night to myself anymore where I can just take a breather and relax. When I do actually get that night, about half way through it I get a text from her freaking out over how she "Doesn't understand why I didn't call her."

I know as a LDR couple, We're limited on what we can do to stay connected.. But this phone BS along with the email crap is just getting old.. I've tried hinting at skype over and over again and she won't do it. Why? I don't know.. I HATE texting with a passion but I do it anyway throughout the day just to send her little "I love you" notes or to answer hers to me, and honestly.. When we text, as much as I don't want to sound like a jerk.. I feel like i'm texting a 5 year old. The way she acts and responds to me sometimes literally has me shaking my head in disgust and asking myself how old she thinks she really is.

I'm at a loss and I don't know what to do anymore. I love her dearly but the childishness and her acting like a brat at times has really turned me off. It was nice starting out to have somebody soo devoted to me and who wanted me, but she clings to me now. I don't ever get any time to myself and every night, it's the same old trip. Call her, Listen to her give me crap because I didn't call her right away, constantly get asked why I get quiet and why I'm "not talking to her.", and then once I get through all of that, I take a sigh of relief when I finally hear her start to doze off and snore. But then again.. It used to be the greatest thing ever to listen to her drift off and go to sleep. Now it's just freaking irritating. Is this really how I'm going to spend the rest of this relationship, however long it may be? Being a phone boy and putting her to sleep? Apologizing every time I don't call her on time and begging for forgiveness because she's giving me the cold shoulder and being an absolute immature brat?

Last night for New Years Eve, I was drinking and watching Breaking Bad with my mom. At about 10, My mom woke my dad up and we all had some strawberry daquiris and just hung out until it was time for the ball to drop. When the ball dropped we all wished each other a Happy New Year and everybody went to bed shortly after and I stayed up drinking. I took some drinks down to the mini fridge in the basement and then went into my room. I popped in a movie, threw on some sweats, turned the lights off and called her. When I called her she was of course, Sleeping like she usually is. I knew it was coming when I called her. As soon as we started talking she instantly jumped on me with "Why didn't you call me at 12am and wish me a happy new year and wake me up so I could watch the ball drop?!" Now I'm at fault here, and I will admit it.. I told her I would TRY to call her when the ball dropped, But when it dropped I didn't have my phone on me and I was also drinking and ringing in the new year with my family. I DIDN"T promise to do anything.. I told her I would TRY to call her when the ball dropped depending on what I was doing. I called her after I went back downstairs and as I mentioned that's when she got on me with the whole "You said you were going to call me when the ball dropped, you broke your promise, I don't understand why you didn't call me?!"

I just don't know anymore. I feel like everything is put on my shoulders and she has NO responsibilities at all in this relationship. I feel like all I am is this guy that calls her every night and puts her to sleep. I'm tired of having all this weight and responsibility on my shoulders. She needs to help out and put some effort into this relationship and not rely solely on me for everything. I'm burning out and as obvious as I'm being about it and as many times as I've told her I'm struggling and I'm stressed out with everything going on, She just doesn't see it and thinks that I'm just intentionally causing stress for myself. All she does when I tell her this is respond with "You'll be okay!" or "Don't stress about school...." and then that'll lead her to saying things like "well you wouldn't be struggling with everything if you just took care of things when they needed to be taken care of instead of waiting until the last minute." I'm sorry that I have another 3 months of school left and I'm sorry that I can't do my homework and study all in one night and remember everything for a test that doesn't happen until later in the week. I've done that crap before and all it does is lead me to an emotional breakdown and has me throwing stuff everywhere and yelling and cussing for the next several hours.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love her dearly, But I DON"T see how she's going to survive once I'm on with the Volunteer Fire Department and have all these mandatory commitments for it that I absolutely HAVE TO DO and I don't know how she's going to handle things once I certify in 3 months time and start working 12 hours a day, 5 or 6 days a week.

[deepdarkworld]

Have you tired communicating to her how you feel in a gentle way? I'd say communication about her actions is the best way to get through to her.

[snow_girl]

TLDR sorry dude

[Alsfia]

Don't hint to start with, be honest and straight forward but avoid being accusing. Second, if nothing else really help, you could try and tell her that you won't be calling tonight/texting right away/Skype or whatever because you need some alone time/don't have time, and stick to it. Third, if nothing else works, maybe you could try to take a break from each other for a week or so, to get some space.

She really needs to understand the concept of personal space from the sound of your post. Does she have some hobby or something she could spend more time on to get something else to think about? It's very important to keep your own life and not let the relationship become everything for you.

[Ejoriah]

What exactly do you love about her exactly? Are you sure you're not hanging on to the memory of your relationship? Using terms like "disgust" to refer to your SO is not indicative of love to me.

Honestly, I don't know why you put up with such abuse. Yes, it is abuse for her to constantly tell you you're not doing enough while not pulling her weight. She does seem like a child and I don't understand how an adult (which I assume you are) would want to put up with that? I mean I assume that in the three months you've tried talking to her about it. Stand up for yourself and stop letting her treat you like dirt. I mean she probably doesn't realize she's doing it but she's got to open her eyes to the real world at some point. Relationships are about partnerships, not a one-sided thing where she gets to sit back and let you do everything.

[BigMatt93]

@DeepDarkWorld - I have in the past. She just constantly tells me that it's my responsibility to talk to her and that it's my "job" to cal her every night and put her to bed because apparently if I don't, She won't sleep. Which is absolute BS because there's nights where I don't call her because I'm doing my own thing and taking a breather and she sleeps fine until about 12-2am and then that's when she wakes up and I get the pissy text about her not understanding why I chose not to call her.

@Snowgirl - I'm sorry I don't understand what TLDR stands for.

[silvermoonfairy3]

Honestly, and I know this might sound harsh.. I think it's time to break up with her.
I know you love her, but it doesn't sound like you *like* her, and that's just as necessary to a good relationship in my opinion. It sounds like things have gotten to a point where it's not particularly fun for either of you, and while relationships have those challenging moments, this sounds like it's SOLELY challenging moments.

[BigMatt93]

@Alsfia - I honestly don't think she has any major hobbies.. Her life is wake up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, and talk to me in between those moments in her schedule.

@Eljoriah - I love a lot of things about her. I love her smile, her laugh, her cute little antics that she usually does when we are together physically, and it hasn't been so much like this lately... but I used to love the fact that when I was having a bad day she was able to turn it around with just a few simple little words. It's not so much that I'm "disgusted" with her, I'm disgusted with her actions and her choice to act like a child at times to get what she wants and the fact that sometimes I feel like she acts like a teenager would act when things don't go her way. Yes I am an adult. I'm 20 years old in college and working part time on the side. What also bothers me is it's JUST phone conversations and texting. Emails only happen on the nights where I fall asleep and she emails me telling me she misses me and "figured you fell asleep, call me when you wake up". I've suggested skype and it's just a no go. For whatever reason, As I stated... I don't really know. I do try talking to her about the issues and I do stand up for myself but she always turns things around and makes me out to be the asshole for bringing something up. There was a night a few weeks ago where I cracked a joke and she started crying and gave me the cold shoulder the rest of the night and I had to bend over backwards and walk to hell and back hundreds of times just to get her to forgive me, and even then... I got the cold shoulder because she was crying the rest of the night.

@Silvermoonfairy3 - I love her dearly and she knows I love her. It's just a matter of I don't have the energy or drive to keep on doing everything and running this relationship as a one man show. I don't have the energy for it and it seems like it's always going to be expected of me to be the one who does everything and puts in the effort. Meanwhile she gets to lay in bed every night while I'm consumed by stress, my emotions, and my mind running wild while she gets to be serenaded with compliments from me and gets to drift off to sleep while I'm left lonely the rest of the night to entertain myself.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't care how much you "love" her. Once you get to this level of resentment in a relationship, there's no healing from it. Stop getting pissed off at her for not being the girl you want her to be and save your own sanity of having to deal with any childish behaviour by breaking up with her, because at this rate, that's where it's going anyway. Really no point in hanging on, since she refuses to see your points and you refuse to let go of your resentments and accept that this is how she is. Denial never works for any relationship.

[BigMatt93]

@ThePiedPiper - I don't get pissed because she's not the girl I want her to be. She's her own person and I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the one sidedness... I've accepted the fact that unless I go visit her, All our relationship is going to be is phone conversations since Skype doesn't look like it's ever going to work out and I don't see her coming to Nebraska any time soon. I don't know... I Just DON'T know. Maybe I need to sit down and start doing some soul searching.

[piratemama]

It's simple - are you better off with this girl or without her? Your answers indicate you've already tried talking with her and that didn't work. Seems like you might need one more try with that, and you should tell her you can't live with things the way they are. Most of us put our best foot forward while dating, CD or LD, so her issues will only get worse later. She's not showing you any respect.

[differentcountries]

Have you tried to talk about the love languages?

[mocha]

Definitely have a talk with her Matt. I was clingy too at first but my boyfriend had to help me understand so I could know what to do better. He is super busy and i had to be told that i was selfish. I needed to hear it. Space is good.

She is a lucky girl. Wish I talked to my boyfriend even 25 minutes on some kind of regular schedule but we're both so busy.

Have the talk and soon. It's not good holding all of that in and not sharing it with your partner :-(. Let us know how it goes. Hopefully she will listen and you guys will have a breakthrough.

[silvermoonfairy3]

@ThePiedPiper - I don't get pissed because she's not the girl I want her to be. She's her own person and I have no problem with that. What I have a problem with is the one sidedness...

With all due respect.. that IS having a problem with her, essentially. You want a girl who puts in effort to make the relationship more even and equal, and that's not her. It's a perfectly logical desire on your part, and a good one at that. However, the girl that she is doesn't function like that. She wants to be pampered and catered to. You want her to not need that. You're both trying to change each other to be something outside your default behavior. It gets tiring, because it's contrary to how you want to be and how you generally would be, which is probably why you just feel so worn down by it. Which means it's kind of unsustainable long-term, and it sounds like you're not a great fit.

I don't mean this to sound harsh, but I've been there, I've had friends there, and sometimes when you're actually involved in it, it's a bit hard to see. Good luck.

[snow]

I agree with the people who said that you're being abused, because you are.
How can I tell?
I was the same way towards my man when we started to go out. I put all the responsibilities on his shoulders and he couldn't take it. He asked me if I was really ready for this relationship, or if I just want someone to take care of me. A relationship means that both partners put in effort to keep it going and it seems like her effort is more on the receiving end than on the giving end.
I am not going to tell you to break up, because this is not our decision at all and I believe that if you're both willing to work through things there is no reason to break up.

You have to say it as it is. The way you said it in this post (maybe don't use disgusted though) and tell her: I need some time for my own. I need to be able to just sit around and relax without worrying if I am doing enough to keep you happy. It's like walking on eggshells and no one likes to do that.

I used to message my man as soon as he came home and sat down at his computer, but I would get upset that he wasn't replying. Most of the times he wasn't even AT his computer, he sat down for a second then got up and did something else. Of course I didn't know, but to him it just seemed super clingy. We agreed that he will message me when he can and won't if he can't, but he will tell me if he is upset and needs some space, so now I never have to worry about him ignoring me or being distant, because he will tell me that he is upset and if he doesn't then things are fine and he is just busy. Does that make sense?

You have to be clear about it and you don't stop explaining until she understands.