Expectations and jealousy

[BabyGund]

As everyone has said, your feelings are ABSOLUTELY normal. I think we tend to get caught up in our SOs and being with them/not being with them and everything else we forget to take the blessings as they come.

I understand having a plan -- but the best laid plans go awry. You need to learn to roll with those. Example, my SO and I always start the day together. Thanks to snowpocalypse, he was having some internet issues this morning. He texted that he was going to work on some artwork for his book; and I went to church with a friend (she asked last night, I declined, then went since SO was unavailable -- and I had fun!)

Expectations -- boy those can be relationship killers. But the thing is, you can't really expect or predict what people will do. For example, your Christmas gift issue. I think it's important to try to talk about/mention those things. Valentine's Day is coming - you want to mention and/or hint to your expectations for that. I did last night with SO.

Jealousy -- yep, we dealt with that too...he wanted nothing but to be online with me as much as possible. And I loved it, but felt guilty. I have a smartphone and could still be out and about doing life, while he didn't and would be stuck at home on his laptop. And that just wasn't fair. I had to set down some rules, so he could get stuff done, like finishing his book, movie nights with his grown kids, etc.

And then I would post stuff about going out with friends, and he would be jealous/envious/wistful because he couldn't be with me. But I tell him we'll be together soon enough and doing all that.

Friends -- as far as your friends go, see if you can convince them to come over for a movie night. I did that with a friend the other day -- we turned one of many HBO channels and we sat and watched and chatted. It was fun and just cost me a little gas.

[piratemama]

As everyone has said, your feelings are ABSOLUTELY normal. I think we tend to get caught up in our SOs and being with them/not being with them and everything else we forget to take the blessings as they come.

I understand having a plan -- but the best laid plans go awry. You need to learn to roll with those. Example, my SO and I always start the day together. Thanks to snowpocalypse, he was having some internet issues this morning. He texted that he was going to work on some artwork for his book; and I went to church with a friend (she asked last night, I declined, then went since SO was unavailable -- and I had fun!)

Expectations -- boy those can be relationship killers. But the thing is, you can't really expect or predict what people will do. For example, your Christmas gift issue. I think it's important to try to talk about/mention those things. Valentine's Day is coming - you want to mention and/or hint to your expectations for that. I did last night with SO.

Jealousy -- yep, we dealt with that too...he wanted nothing but to be online with me as much as possible. And I loved it, but felt guilty. I have a smartphone and could still be out and about doing life, while he didn't and would be stuck at home on his laptop. And that just wasn't fair. I had to set down some rules, so he could get stuff done, like finishing his book, movie nights with his grown kids, etc.

And then I would post stuff about going out with friends, and he would be jealous/envious/wistful because he couldn't be with me. But I tell him we'll be together soon enough and doing all that.

Friends -- as far as your friends go, see if you can convince them to come over for a movie night. I did that with a friend the other day -- we turned one of many HBO channels and we sat and watched and chatted. It was fun and just cost me a little gas.

Very good ideas. You are right about the changes in my thinking I need to make. I especially like the idea of having friends over here for a movie night or something. I am interested to know how you went about hinting about Valentine's Day.

[BabyGund]

I am interested to know how you went about hinting about Valentine's Day.

I said..."you know, Valentine's Day is coming up."

It was mainly to remind him that it's on a Friday and Friday nights we are usually not online and I wanted to make sure it was on his mind that we should be online that night. I haven't gotten to the gift exchange yet.

[Ejoriah]

It's interesting to me that you used the word "hinting," piratemama. I think a lot of us don't want to bring something full on to our SO's attentions and so we hint. We think the hints are perfectly obvious and we get disappointed or upset when our SO seemingly ignored it. I used to have that problem at the beginning of my relationship. Actually, I was convinced that my now-boyfriend didn't like me that way because he would never pick up on hints that I did! What I learned though is that my SO is terrible with hints. It makes holidays annoying sometimes, because he'll say "I have no clue what to get you for Christmas/your birthday!" and I'll tear out my hair because I've been dropping hints, knowing I can be hard to buy for.

Sometimes you can't just hint and you need to be blunt. From your past posts I have seen that you get frustrated or sad because your SO hasn't done certain things. I'm sure you tried hinting at them but maybe you need to be more blunt. It can feel a bit awkward but really, you two are together and should be able to communicate. It's what I have to do with my SO. For Valentine's day I'll probably say "I know Valentine's day is terrible for eating out so we'll eat at home, but I'd appreciate if it was more of a romantic dinner for the occasion." I am lucky that we'll get to be together for Valentine's day, though. But I think the approach - blunt without bossing around - may work for you, too.

[piratemama]

It's interesting to me that you used the word "hinting," piratemama. I think a lot of us don't want to bring something full on to our SO's attentions and so we hint. We think the hints are perfectly obvious and we get disappointed or upset when our SO seemingly ignored it. I used to have that problem at the beginning of my relationship. Actually, I was convinced that my now-boyfriend didn't like me that way because he would never pick up on hints that I did! What I learned though is that my SO is terrible with hints. It makes holidays annoying sometimes, because he'll say "I have no clue what to get you for Christmas/your birthday!" and I'll tear out my hair because I've been dropping hints, knowing I can be hard to buy for.

Sometimes you can't just hint and you need to be blunt. From your past posts I have seen that you get frustrated or sad because your SO hasn't done certain things. I'm sure you tried hinting at them but maybe you need to be more blunt. It can feel a bit awkward but really, you two are together and should be able to communicate. It's what I have to do with my SO. For Valentine's day I'll probably say "I know Valentine's day is terrible for eating out so we'll eat at home, but I'd appreciate if it was more of a romantic dinner for the occasion." I am lucky that we'll get to be together for Valentine's day, though. But I think the approach - blunt without bossing around - may work for you, too.

I know you are right, but I'm not good at asking for anything for myself. I've spent years in my first marriage going to bed on Christmas Eve, my birthday, my anniversary, and Valentine's crying myself to sleep. I think a guy sees all the ads and hears what his friends are doing for their girls, so he could figure it out. I know my thinking there is wrong, but it simply doesn't mean as much to say, "Hey Honey, since we are going to be apart for a long time, I'd appreciate something thoughtful during that time, like flowers." I end up suffering in silence and make myself feel awful. It's not fair to my SO, because all those hurts build up over time.

In the end, though, he is very good to me and would help me financially even during this tough time of mine, if I'd let him. I know he'd buy any gift I wanted, but I don't want it to be about money. I only want thoughtful, inexpensive gifts that show he cares. I'd much rather a love letter than a gift.

For the record, my SO is way more thoughtful than my posts may have implied. He does all he can under the circumstances. In November, he bought me a new computer since mine crashed. Although it wasn't really stated, I think that was my Christmas gift. What more could I ask for? My first husband wasn't anything like that and didn't think about anybody but himself.

It seems from the replies to this thread that most of us care more about the loving time with our SO's for Valentines than the gifts. I am the same way. If I could have anything I wanted right now with no consideration to the price, I'd like a plane ticket to see my SO!!!

[TaraMarie]

Omg....I am so happy I found this site. I thought I was crazy because I feel jealous of the time others get to spend with MY love. And I know I shouldn't. I am actually lucky. We get to see each other about once a month. And he calls me every morning and we FaceTime every night for hours. We watch movies together and we even FaceTime when he is at friends houses. However on NEw years eve I was jealous because he got last minute tickets to a billy Joel concert. We were supposed to FaceTime! He ended up face timing me from the concert and calling me at midnight...so I guess Imcant domain. But this LDR is soooo hard! I am glad there are others who understand!

[piratemama]

Omg....I am so happy I found this site. I thought I was crazy because I feel jealous of the time others get to spend with MY love. And I know I shouldn't. I am actually lucky. We get to see each other about once a month. And he calls me every morning and we FaceTime every night for hours. We watch movies together and we even FaceTime when he is at friends houses. However on NEw years eve I was jealous because he got last minute tickets to a billy Joel concert. We were supposed to FaceTime! He ended up face timing me from the concert and calling me at midnight...so I guess Imcant domain. But this LDR is soooo hard! I am glad there are others who understand!

You bet we understand. I really get the jealousy over the concert. We want our SO's to go out and have fun, but we soooo want to be there with them.

Welcome to the forum.

[TaraMarie]

Thank you. I can't wait for this LDR to be over...and he is living here with me! It's been almost two years and so, so difficult. But I am very fortunate that I have a man who is willing to give up his entire life and family in NY to move here with me and start a new life. In the meantime I am happy to have found a group of people who know exactly what I am going through.