How to Avoid Misscomunications and Deal With Them When They Happen

[piratemama]

I agree with so much in this thread. Some very smart comments.

First, on the texting, don't talk with him about it. Just back off initiating them. Answer him, but be brief and try not to keep it going. Maybe hint how you'd like to finish up with a phone or Skype call. I don't text, but I am trying to cut back on emails and use them for only what's absolutely necessary and for sexy/loving messages that are brief.

Second, written messages are easy to misunderstand, esp. brief ones like texting. Every single misunderstanding with my SO has been due to emails.

Third, just because you can talk/text/email doesn't mean you should. I mean, heck, if you were in the same room with him, you wouldn't talk constantly like you do in texts.

Miscommunication is easy in emails. It really is tough in a LDR.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Whatever you do, don't talk about issues too much. We girls want to talk everything to death, but most men don't. I said most.

Wish I had better advice for you.

[Kitten_mittens]

I see how you would think that. But there is little difference between saying "You are not being nice to me" and putting "I feel" in front of it... I will suggest you saying something like "When you say... I feel sad /angry /confused... (whatever feeling you are having) because I need to connect with you /understand /have clarity (or any other basic need). Would you consider instead doing... (something concrete). This is the four steps of non Violent Communication, as outlined by Marshall Rosenberg. It may even work just discribing your need. Needs are stuff all human beings have, and hence much harder to take personally as an insult.

Thank you. I will try to start rephrasing what I say more like that. I can see how what I've been saying can make home more defensive.

[Ahava]

I hope you manage to solve the issues you have been having.
A lot of good advice in this thread!

[Heavenly_Love12]

I know how you feel! My SO and I had so many arguments due to miscommunication when we dated before, even CD! When we tried long distance the first time, there were a lot of issues we were both dealing with that we did not communicate with the other person about; that caused so much conflict! Now when my SO and I talk, we have found that having a phone conversation is the best for serious talks. For some reason, it's more difficult for both of us to do so when we Skype, I think because we can see each other and interact so we get distracted or don't want to ruin it.

I think you have received some good advice and hope it will help. If anything, tell your SO that you want to actually talk more than texting. I know it's difficult because texting is easier and takes less time but that's the way my SO and I have avoided miscommunication.

[piratemama]

I know how you feel! My SO and I had so many arguments due to miscommunication when we dated before, even CD! When we tried long distance the first time, there were a lot of issues we were both dealing with that we did not communicate with the other person about; that caused so much conflict! Now when my SO and I talk, we have found that having a phone conversation is the best for serious talks. For some reason, it's more difficult for both of us to do so when we Skype, I think because we can see each other and interact so we get distracted or don't want to ruin it.

I think you have received some good advice and hope it will help. If anything, tell your SO that you want to actually talk more than texting. I know it's difficult because texting is easier and takes less time but that's the way my SO and I have avoided miscommunication.

I'm the opposite and would rather discuss issues via Skype and not the phone. It seems like the facial expressions show more love and understanding that voice only doesn't. Whichever, emails and texts don't get it, for sure.

[Sarah96]

The beginning of my relationship was almost constant arguing about miscommunication, most of it was because we were texting and sarcasm and other things are sometimes difficult to pick up in texts. It's just easier to understand when you can hear them saying whatever it is on the phone. Sometimes one of us just didn't feel like texting and responses were short so we would argue. Eventually we both came to realize texting = lots of miscommunication, but it's one of our only ways of communication so we don't have a choice.

Now, BF and I identify miscommunication as it's happening. It takes some work but we make sure to let each other know when we don't understand something and let each other know how we feel. This prevents an argument from happening. It still happens occasionally but we are quick to realize it and we solve the problem right away.

I hope this helps and good luck!

[stormy]

This is amazing advice. Thank you.

I do feel like we both have our guard up we have had a lot of arguments lately and they really didn't seem solved to me. I feel I had to bottle up how I felt in fear of him making me feel worse about it.. So maybe that's part of it. I'll see if I can talk over what's still bothering me and see if we can fix it all.

And I'm definitely going to be more direct with him and ask him what he needs and tell him more clearly what I need as well.

You are very welcome.

I did not figure these kind of things out until speaking to a therapist and now dating my SO who is like me when it comes to arguments and we are trying to be very mindful of how the other person would feel. Anyway, like I said the very matter of fact communication is what helped me.

I agree with the being careful of how you use "I feel..." because I am still figuring that one out.

My past therapist told me to use this formula for expressing myself...

I see...
I think...
I feel...
I need...

BOOM! Covers it all if done correctly and honestly. Make sure it focuses on YOU. On what you see, you think, you feel, you need. Because until the other person is allowed/able to express themselves, anything you say will just being assumption and possibly seen as an attack.

[OperaDiva]

Some really great advice here! I have been thinking about communication a lot (and it helps that my SO encourages me to tell him how I feel, even when it is something bad), especially since I come from a very conflict-avoiding family. I think it is natural to have conflict, and it is also natural to feel (insert favorite anxiety-related adjective) because of the distance. My personal project is recognizing that it is OK to feel the way I feel and it is also OK to say it.

[LittleBox]

You need to give him the benefit of the doubt and vice-versa. You're both too quick to jump on anything that sounds negative without thinking it through (referring to your discussing your study plans). If you keep an open mind he might be more inclined to follow your lead. Is a majority of your communication by text? Rather than phasing it out and keeping your answers short (which might make him more angsty) maybe you could text him a picture of yourself with a note or something so that he knows that you care about him. When you're dealing with a larger time difference you can't just call him on a whim, my ex was in the UK and we would have to figure out talk time over Skype. Good luck!