How Can I Help Him?

[Hey We're Kaishaine]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly six months, long distance the whole time. He'd been really distant and uncaring for the last month in a lot of our discussions, including ones about me going to visit him for the first time. Finally I asked him what was up. After a long pause he said "I guess I'm just losing some of those feelings." I, of course, saw this coming but was devastated nonetheless. I asked him if it was something I did. "No, pretty much just me." I asked him if there was anything I could do to fix it. "I don't really know.." After a loooonnggg interval of me sobbing quietly, I finally asked him what the wanted to do.

"Shhh. Everything is going to be okay. I still want to be with you. I just have to work on getting those feelings back. I love you."

Some important notes:
- he was sweet as heck up until a month ago
- he takes depression medication which I sort of think may be the cause of his apathy.. but he's been taking them for a long time
- my feelings have never fallen out of the love-stage, even when I get angry and even after being neglected
- this is my second LDR, but it's his first

Is this uncommon? Could he just be sparing my feelings (I asked him this and he said no)? What can I do to bring those feelings back for him? Would a visit now be the best or worst thing for us?

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum. I'm not sure what to say in your situation, and I'm anxious to see what some of the folks on the forum have to say. They give great advice.

I'd latch onto the statement where he still wants to be with you, but I'd be concerned about everything else. I know a LDR is hard. Love isn't always a mushy-gushy feeling. Sometimes you have to commit to love through the difficult times, and an LDR will try you more than anything else. If he will, keep engaging him in conversation, but don't nag. See if you both can change up the activities some. Boredom is bad in any relationship. If you only talk, try watching movies together or play online games together.

I hope everything works out for you.

[differentcountries]

If he is depressed and has not gotten to see you, that may make him like this. Encourage him to open up about his feelings more. Ask him questions. Often closing up can feel like falling out of feelings even if it is not.

[Hey We're Kaishaine]

We do play games together. We've been talking less and less though. I had hoped talking about a visit would have perked him up.. but when I asked him if he still wanted me to try to come up, he replied "Uhh.. (yawn).. sure." And that's what made me ask what was wrong. We also haven't been having "internet relations" very regularly recently. Until yesterday it had been a couple weeks since we had.

I cannot shake this crushing feeling in my stomach. I am really concerned. I don't know what to expect and I'm terrified of getting my hopes up that things will go back to how they were.. only to be broken.

[Kiyama]

It doesn't sound too good to be honest :/
It might have just been that you're out of the honeymoon stage and that the distance hit him and he has a difficult time to cope with it but that fact that he is so quick to announce he has lost some feelings and his half hearted interest for the upcoming visit would be a red flag for me. If he gives in so quickly, he might not be worth it and as hard as it sounds, his feelings might have not been that strong in the first place.
There is nothing you can do to "help" him regain his feelings. Don't put yourself in that position. You are good the way you are and if that's no enough for him to love you, he isn't the right guy for you. You deserve more than that.
I hope for you that he'll catch himself again and that it'll work out. Good luck.

[rj506]

Just give him time to work out his issues.. I've been through this situation with my guy a month ago but the problem was with me and not with him. Visiting him wouldn't be such a good idea because it would only confuse him more.

[conejita_hada]

I would actually counter the previous poster and say yes, visit him if you have the opportunity. He says he loves you and still wants to be with you, maybe his apathy is a combination of the meds and distance, as you suggest.
Following the visit to my SO in late November, I have been a bit more distant than him, granted we speak everyday and I put effort to talk to him. I love him and I miss him dearly but I'm okay with the distance right now and a bunch of issues are jumbled in my mind. One thing that's keeping me going is that I get to see him in April. Visits help. They help ignite feelings pushed down from the distance and bring a renewed "life" to the relationship. Go for it if you have the chance to visit him. If the visit proves to not alter his mood/mindset, have an earnest discussion with him (during the visit) about each other and the relationship. That way you can also focus on his body language and facial expressions. Lay out terms for an honest discussion that doesn't "spare" feelings if the relationship isn't what the other thought it would be and decide how to proceed, whether it is to continue the relationship or end it.

[differentcountries]

I second that a visit would be good. If you set a date, you will have something to look forward to.

[piratemama]

A visit would help you to know for sure what's going on. You'll be able to see for yourself.

If he is losing his feelings for you, and I say "if," you can't fix it. You don't even want someone that you have to make love you. However, you might find during a visit that he does care and doesn't know how to deal with the distance.