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    What to expect?

    My boyfriend and I have been dating off/on for over 4 years. In the first year he wasn't willing to move here (Louisiana) because he loves it there (Colorado). Then, that changed to him being willing to consider it. Now he is willing to move, and he plans on doing so at the end of march/beginning of April. I can't move there because I have a daughter and I share joint custody with her dad here and I'm not going to take her away from her dad.

    So, yesterday I asked what he expected of me when he moves here and he said "To be patient, give me time. There will be ups and downs. I’ll question if I made the right choice. I’ll have good days and down days. Similar to how the first few months were when I moved here."

    Then he asked if I had any worries that things wouldn't work out. I told him I did worry that he would decide it wasn't working for him. I asked what he worried about, and got this " Im not sure worry is the right word. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Maybe question, or wonder are better words. I question/wonder a lot of things. I wonder if we will be as compatible once we live together full time as we think we will be or have been long distance. I wonder if I can eventually make the full transition to living down there and enjoying it. I wonder if I’m actually suitable to be a mentor to a kid, have a kid of my own, etc, or is my personality type not suited for it and I find out later it’s not for me after all. I actually worry if I can find a decent job with my dui and apparently now interlock restricted license through mid 2016. Like anything else that is new, you wonder about it because you don’t know until you actually find out. But there’s also things I know. I know I want to be with you, which is obviously the only reason I’m planning to move. If it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be planning on going anywhere of course. I know there’s tons of things about living down there I have, can, and will enjoy. I know you and Ash will try your hardest to make me and aspen feel like it’s our warm home too. My biggest worry, by far, is getting a job. It actually is the cause of my sleepless nights"

    I guess my question is are these feelings he has normal and expected? What can I realistically expect his adjustment to living here to be like? How should I handle it? Should I be worried that he 'wonders' all of these things?

    #2
    I think you should be a lot more worried if he didn't "wonder" all of those things. It means he is being extremely mature and level headed about this and is going in with both eyes open. He is also communicating his thoughts with you amazingily...

    I'm in a similar situation and my SO has expressed many of the same concerns to me about the possibility of us ever closing the distance... I think it's 100% normal.
    First met online: June, 2010
    First met in person: August, 2011 (See the story of our first visit)
    Second visit: December, 2011 (Christmas and New Years together!)
    Third visit together: August, 2012
    Fourth visit: December 2012 (Christmas and New Years together!)
    Fifth visit: July 2013 (2 weeks here in Canada)
    Sixth visit: December 2013 (Christmas and New Years together again and I finally met his mother!)
    Next visit: Unknown... for now but coming up ASAP

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      #3
      I second Verojoon (hi and welcome back btw!) that it's a good thing that he does wonder all those things. It shows that he's thought about it and he has a realistic grasps of the difficulties of uprooting your life to be somewhere new. I think he has actually told you how best to handle it - be patient with him. When I moved to a new country the first few months were HARD because I didn't really know anyone. It was only when I found a job that I started feeling more at home and integrated better. So be supportive during his hard times and don't feel bad if he isn't 100% happy immediately. He said he knows he wants to be with you, and that's a wonderful certainty to have
      So, here you are
      too foreign for home
      too foreign for here.
      Never enough for both.

      Ijeoma Umebinyuo, Diaspora Blues

      Comment


        #4
        Thanks for your reply That helps put me at ease some.
        Originally posted by Verojoon View Post
        I think you should be a lot more worried if he didn't "wonder" all of those things. It means he is being extremely mature and level headed about this and is going in with both eyes open. He is also communicating his thoughts with you amazingily...

        I'm in a similar situation and my SO has expressed many of the same concerns to me about the possibility of us ever closing the distance... I think it's 100% normal.

        Comment


          #5
          Thanks for helping to put things in perspective.
          Originally posted by Ejoriah View Post
          I second Verojoon (hi and welcome back btw!) that it's a good thing that he does wonder all those things. It shows that he's thought about it and he has a realistic grasps of the difficulties of uprooting your life to be somewhere new. I think he has actually told you how best to handle it - be patient with him. When I moved to a new country the first few months were HARD because I didn't really know anyone. It was only when I found a job that I started feeling more at home and integrated better. So be supportive during his hard times and don't feel bad if he isn't 100% happy immediately. He said he knows he wants to be with you, and that's a wonderful certainty to have

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            #6
            I told my SO he would have to be very, very patient with me when I moved. I had a hard time when it actually came to leaving and I even told him I may have to leave and come back. He was so kind and understanding and told me if I couldn't even get on the plane, that he would be OK, he just wanted me to be happy. We cried together a lot. Then I got here and definitely had moments. I remember one time in particular where I had a complete breakdown and told him I don't belong here and I should just go home. He comforted me then too and always let me know how much he wanted me here, but that he would never want me to stay if I was unhappy.

            My point is that doubts and concerns about moving from everything you know and love are absolutely normal. Just be there for him, without pressure and judgement, and it will go a long way towards making him feel comfortable. The fact that he's willing to move to be with you, even with being a bit scared, speaks volumes for how much he cares for you.



            Met online: 1/30/11
            Met in person: 5/30/12
            Second visit: 9/12/12
            Closed the distance: 1/26/13!!!

            Comment


              #7
              It sounds like you have a great man who loves you very much Thank you for sharing your story and the advice.
              Originally posted by Dezface View Post
              I told my SO he would have to be very, very patient with me when I moved. I had a hard time when it actually came to leaving and I even told him I may have to leave and come back. He was so kind and understanding and told me if I couldn't even get on the plane, that he would be OK, he just wanted me to be happy. We cried together a lot. Then I got here and definitely had moments. I remember one time in particular where I had a complete breakdown and told him I don't belong here and I should just go home. He comforted me then too and always let me know how much he wanted me here, but that he would never want me to stay if I was unhappy.

              My point is that doubts and concerns about moving from everything you know and love are absolutely normal. Just be there for him, without pressure and judgement, and it will go a long way towards making him feel comfortable. The fact that he's willing to move to be with you, even with being a bit scared, speaks volumes for how much he cares for you.

              Comment

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